“Monogamy is a practice… It’s a choice… You don’t FIND your partner, you CHOOSE your partner… If you think you’re going to find somebody who is the person who will make you stop looking… No, it doesn’t work that way. At some point your inner rumblings will start up again. You just have to say, ‘This is it. This is where I decide to put my roots in this moment and I’m going to try to deepen them.’ We are all living with a paradox of choice, but we can’t commodify a partner, we can’t beta-test a partner.”
-Esther Perel
Alright guys and dolls,
Since my most-viewed articles are consistently, (like every day), the ones that pertain to cheating – whether it’s questions I’ve answered from those tempted to cheat, the cheated on, the sorta-cheated on, the side-chick, or those just curious as to whether certain porn even counts as cheating – in this special edition of “Dear Megan” I’m attempting to put myself out of business and share with you all what I’ve learned about creating a relationship where cheating is, well, in the famous words of reality show diva Evelyn Lozada “a non-motherf*ckin’ factor.”
Much like with “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship,” I’m bringing in the big guns – (I mean, how much can I know at this age, lol) – and connecting you all to the work of Esther Perel, an expert on infidelity and successful relationships. In this 14:19 clip you’ll learn things like –
The causes of cheating:
Often, when you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn’t just because you want to leave the person you are with, you want to leave the person that you yourself have become. It isn’t just that you want to meet somebody else, but you want to meet another self. There is no greater “other” than a different version of yourself.
How not to get betrayed in a relationship:
Since a loving relationship is about what you can give, not get, each person should consistently ask him or herself, “What is it that I do to make my partner feel that they are special. That they are the one I still choose every morning that I wake up. The one that I want to be there the next morning, and the next morning… How do I manifest my love and appreciation and admiration for my partner? (And for help on doing things that YOUR partner receives as love I highly recommend “The Five Love Languages.”)
Furthermore, ask yourself if you’ve shown up. When you get home at night are you the vibrant, funny, alive, person you are with your friends and colleagues? Or is your partner getting your leftovers?
And, finally, Perel goes into how to create a new cheat-proof relationship with someone who’s already cheated on you:
Most of us are going to have two or three marriages or adult relationships, and some of us will do it with the same person. And so while an affair may mean the death of a first marriage or current relationship, one partner can ask the other if they would like to have another one together. (Note: This second relationship has a higher chance of working out when the infidelity was not the final nail in the coffin of an already dead relationship, but instead an act that served as a wake-up call. For more on that I recommend checking out Perel’s more in-depth interviews on cheating like this one.)
Hope this helps some of ya’ll, and I’ll be back next time to tackle more of your questions!
-Megan 🙂
P.S. If this video is ever disabled, just type “This is how you stop your partner from cheating – Esther Perel – Skavlan” into YouTube until it is brought to my attention.
For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here
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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols 