To chase or not to chase, that is the question.

 

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If it wasn’t a good look for Jim Carrey, it’s probably not a good look for you, lol.

Hi, Megan!

I was just wondering if you could pass along some advice to me.

Me and this guy I’ve talked to for six months finally met for the first time last month, (I bought us dinner). We met again last week for dinner and then went to a show.

On the way to the show he asked what I was looking for, (we both had a mutual understanding that I wanted something long-term, beforehand), and I said a boyfriend.

He stated that he was into this guy that lives 3 1/2 hours away, it hasn’t gone anywhere, and he is frustrated because he wants it to go somewhere but it hasn’t. He said he just needs to get over his feelings for that guy, and I understand that, but that can take time.

I am just very disappointed. He had also said that we could still hangout, (he said that these weren’t even dates, just hanging out); but I told him that I want to know what to expect though.  I told him at the end of the “hangout” that I thought we’d make a cute couple. He said, “I think we would too, and I didn’t realize that until tonight.”

Overall, I just want your thoughts, please. I want to be with him, but I know that I cannot control another’s emotions/nor chase someone. I think I’m just going to let him be and have him get a hold of me. I just hope that he does because I really, really, really like him!

Thank you!

-Not Straight, and *Definitely* No Chaser

 


Dear “Not Straight, and Definitely No Chaser,”

And an enthusiastic “Hi!” back to you! Lol…  It’s not everyday I come across someone as put together as you, (whispers in ear: between you and me, everyone else who comes here is pretty much cRaZy…)  Lol. Just kidding, you guys.  You know I love ya’ll…

Anyway, on to your “situationship” and my two cents… What I see here is a good ‘ol classic, “I really (really, really) like him BUT,” scenario that will feel a whole lot better when you turn it into an “I really (really, really) like him AND” one.  And by that I mean it’s about high time you shifted your focus from the (perceived) downsides of this encounter to its upsides.

You see, when you’ve come across someone who’s got a lot of the qualities that you want in a mate, but not all of them, resist the urge to get butt hurt thinking about all the things that aren’t harmonious with your desires – (e.g. “I really, really, really, like him BUT he’s trying to put me in the friendzone and keep me as a back-up option”) – and instead focus on all the things you’ve gained from the situation – (like confirmation that someone with qualities that you do want in a mate is out there AND that they’re drawn to you…  Score!)

From that newfound perspective you can simply add the things that this guy lacks – (things like a desire to be with you that’s so strong that wild horses couldn’t keep you two apart) – to the clearer and ever more vivid vision of your ideal mate that’s steadily emerging from crush to crush. (e.g. “I really, really, really like him AND I like it when I’m a ‘must-have’ for another and not just an option.”)

Focusing on your vision, and not every close-but-no-cigar Tom, Dick, and Harry that shows up in front of you, (no matter how yummy), will not only give you the energy you need to stay positive in the face of disappointment, but it’s a necessary step in getting on the same wavelength/becoming compatible with the things that you want in life. 

And note that while this guy may still end up becoming the perfect match you’re waiting for, you’re right to not try to control another’s feelings or chase after him.  After all, that will just keep you focused on what you don’t want – (someone you have to work to get to love you) – in the process, which is what keeps things you don’t want present in your life.

Chillin’…  Daydreaming…  Noticing and appreciating where the qualities that you desire in a mate show up in some of your other relationships, (including the one you have with yourself), and becoming all that you desire in another is what will allow that like-minded, dream-boat you’re fantasizing about to show up in your life.

So stay open.  Celebrate your newfound hope and clarity.  And, as you said, allow him, or someone else who’s just as or more delicious than him, to get ahold of you when ready, (and not one second sooner ;)).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

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How do you deal with a flaky friend?

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Fluffing pillows with your head is but one way to keep busy while waiting on a flaky friend

Dear Megan,

So, I have a flaky friend.  It makes me feel insignificant and unimportant that she asks me to do stuff, or we arrange things, then she either shows up super late or doesn’t show up at all.

I know it’s not a reflection on me but of her, but it still really hurts.  And I know I need to cut her out, but I like her and we have a lot in common. I just can’t go around feeling like rubbish anymore.

Please help!

-With Friends Like These…

 


 

Dear “With Friends Like These…,”

Amen, sister… In a world full of ghosters, headache-inducing family members, and plain ‘ol annoying associates, you would think that the one safe place to find respect and upliftment among others would be the “friend-zone,” right?  Well, wrong…  Or as the French would say, “au contraire, mon frère.”

When it comes to any type of quality relationship, you can only extract from it what you bring to it. So, I hate to say it, mi amiga, but if you don’t like how the soup tastes, we gotta look at what you’re putting into the pot. (Some of ya’ll already knew I would get right into it, huh, lol.)

When it comes to your situation, “With Friends Like These…,” if you want to get treated in a manner that shows respect for you and your time, you yourself have to bring to the relationship a sense of respect for you and your time.

You teach people how to treat you. 

And while you’re right that how she behaves is a reflection of her not you, how you allow her to behave in YOUR life, on the other hand, is a reflection of you and how you feel about yourself, not her.   

Alright, breathe

Okay, ready to do the work?  Here we go…

In order to get the treatment you want from your relationships, you have to: (a) first know what you value, (b) know that you’re worthy of receiving what you value, and (c) create boundaries that support your values and sense of worthiness.

The good news is that Step A – knowing what you value – is super easy as it’s achieved through pure ‘ol life experience.  Observing what feels good vs. what feels shitty is the crux here, so all you have to do is note what feels good and store it under the “values” column.  (In this case, her late or no-show behavior has either taught you, or reinforced, that you value punctuality and behavior that shows consideration for another’s time.)

When it comes to Step B, on the other hand – knowing that you’re worthy of receiving what makes you feel good – things can get a bit trickier as it requires a nurtured self-esteem; which, if not there, involves a great deal of conscious effort…  Argh.

Fortunately, I’ve discussed nurturing your self-esteem in this article, as well as this one, where I even bring in the “big guns” via this Marissa Peer video. So with those resources, you’ll be well on the path to a healthy self-esteem in no time :).

Finally, once you know your values and have embraced the fact that you deserve good treatment, you’ll be able to perform Step C.  In this step you’ll create boundaries that will not only repel those who don’t respect you and your values/time, but you’ll attract those who do, (you’re welcome ;)).

Now, if it’s a new relationship where you’re still in the courting stage, (yes, this stage even exists in platonic friendships), all you have to do boundary-wise is observe the other’s behavior and see if it’s compatible with your values.

Remember Maya Angelou’s words, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time,” and if who they are is a match to what you value, congrats!  You just found yourself a new friend!…  If not…  Well, it’s time to have a quick “it’s not you, it’s me, girlfriend” talk.

If, however, this is a long-term, established friendship, where you both are already emotionally invested in each other, (like the one you’re talking about), you may be able to save the friendship by establishing new boundaries.  After all, you’re now bringing a new-found sense of self, (thanks to your higher self-esteem), to the relationship, so you’ll have to redefine how you both operate within the friendship. 

Let your friend know that when she does “x” it makes you feel “y,” and for the relationship to work you’re going to need her to start doing “z.” And mean it.

E.g. If you need her to show up when she says she’s going to show up, or call/text ahead of time when she’s running late or needs to cancel, tell her.  You can give her a warning for one goof-up if you like, but let her know that you’ll have to let her go if she does it again.

When talking, make sure to focus on the request you’re making, and not your criticism of her behavior.  That way you’ll keep the conversation focused on what you hope to get out it – which is a different behavior – opposed to a conversation full of blame on your part, and defensiveness and excuses on hers.  (And for more advice on having hard conversations, I highly recommend this article by Iyanla Vanzant.)

If she decides to stay and respect your new boundaries, (and therefore the healthier you), great! She may be a good friendship fit for you after all. If not, she may either disappear and come back later when she’s changed, or she may never come back at all.  But, rest assured, that in the space that she leaves in your life, someone who’s a better fit for the new and improved you will come in and fill that space perfectly.  Works every time.

Best of luck!

Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Argh! My boyfriend got black-out drunk and ‘may’ have cheated… Help!

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Because sometimes only YOU can help you.

Dear Megan,

This morning my boyfriend of a little bit over a year confessed that he believes he had sex with a stripper in a foreign country. He is in the military and is currently deployed.

He said he went out drinking with some friends and that they went to a strip club. He said he was drinking so much that he blacked out and thinks that he might have cheated.

He keeps saying how incredibly sorry he is, how much he loves me, and that he will do anything to make this right. He is supposed to come home soon, leave the military, and move to where I am.

We have talked about getting married. He even popped the question on more than one occasion. I was fully convinced that he is the one. I planned our life together.

I feel so dead inside, and I have no idea what to do. Please help.

Sincerely,

-Hopeless

 


Dear “Hopeless,”

Oy, if your boyfriend is telling you he might’ve cheated on you, he’s probably got some receipts – whether they’re sore genitals, Vietnam war-esc flashbacks, or friends high-fiving him and saying, “I can’t believe you hooked up with that stripper!” – that he did, in fact, go all the way.

But enough about him, let’s talk about you, and this “Hopeless” alias you gave yourself.

To begin with, you’re the first person to give themselves an alias, (thanks for saving me the trouble of having to think of one, btw), and interestingly enough the first part of the solution to your problem can be found in your self-description: Hopeless.

Although his “potential” act of cheating may have triggered some pain in you, (pain caused by you experiencing the exact opposite of what you want), the prolonged suffering you now feel is a result of you thinking that when it comes to love and relationships you are hopeless and helpless in the creation of what you want.

But just as you dreamt up a beautiful man that would be honest with you, even when he didn’t have to, the creation of the loving relationship you want doesn’t have to stop there.

In the game of love and life, don’t take score too soon.

Instead of using his “potential” act of infidelity to mean that you’re hopeless and helpless when it comes to matters of the heart, remember that relationships are vehicles for growth, and reclaim your creative power in manifesting the lover of your dreams.

Disappointments happen.  Especially when you ask people to do something they’re incapable of doing, which is to consistently put your wants and needs ahead of their own.  But once you allow yourself to feel the pain of that disappointment, (as you are growing and being stretched beyond your comfort zone during it), it’s time to ask the question, “What am I to get out of this experience,” and re-embrace your creative power.

To do so, first realize that you don’t have to make a decision right this second, or anytime soon for that matter, no matter what plans you two have made.  If this guy is serious about doing whatever it takes to make things work with you, he’ll wait for you to take however much time you need to make the decision that’s best for you.

Then you’ll want to do, well, everything I told this girl to do in this article on cheating.  (Hey, I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.  Anybody with me! High five! Lol…)

Once you’re fully tuned into the updated, new relationship this incident has caused you to dream up, (which could take days, weeks, or months, depending on how open you are to receiving it), you’ll find that your current boyfriend is either a match to it, or a mismatch. 

When you see or talk to him, you’ll either want to welcome him with open arms, believing that you can still have your new dream with him; or you’ll want to say, “Thanks for the lessons, but I’ve decided to move on and wish you nothing but the best.”

Any indecisiveness means that you still haven’t embraced the new dream and vision of what you want, which is fine as it takes time to catch up to who you’ve evolved into.  However, if you want to navigate this time in your life with as little drama as possible I suggest you don’t take any action before you’re clear, open, and available to receive the new relationship that this incident has put in your heart.

So best of luck, and keep on dreamin’ on.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Did sex on the first date ruin my chances of a long-term relationship?

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Dear Megan,

Sex on the first date. Is that a terrible idea? If I did that, (I did), will it ruin my chances of this guy seeing me as long-term potential?

I feel grossed out that I did it. And his interest seems waning. Afterwards, he did ask if I wanted to join him at a party he originally told me about the next night. I wasn’t free to go and he hasn’t put much effort into texting me since. He’s very attractive, and I wonder if I’m not attractive enough for him, or if I was just too easy to sleep with.

Right now I feel terrible. Unattractive, easy, and cheap.  I want to dig a hole and hide inside it.

Please help!

Sincerely yours,

-First Date Floozy

 


Dear “First Date Floozy,”

Wow…  Dare I touch “sex on the first date” with a ten-foot pole? Or should I just use a ten-inch one and see if you can handle it, you saucy little minx.  Hahaha. BOOOMMMM!!!!  Just kidding… I couldn’t resist. (That’s what she said.)  Okay, last one.  But, seriously, let’s everybody calm down, take a deep breath, grab some wine, and pull up a chair, because when it comes to sex things are about to get a whole lot easier…

To begin with, let me just say that I’ve known some fantastic couples who slept together on the first date and have been happily together – (keyword: “happily”) – for over twenty-five years.  I’ve also known some couples who have been together for just as long but did not.  So, as far as I’m concerned, sleeping together on the first date does NOT ruin the potential for a long-term relationship.

BUT, can it be a terrible idea?

Well, sometimes…

Sex is a terrible idea one time, and one time only: when you know doing it won’t bring you joy.

(Well, technically, I should probably add when you don’t take the proper precautions when it comes to protection… You’re welcome, Planned Parenthood.)

And how will you know for sure when sex won’t bring you joy?  Why, the same way you came to know everything else you know in life, my dear: Experience.

“In life I’ve had to figure out – on my own terms – what works and what doesn’t.  And I’ve have years of practice.” –Drew Barrymore

While most of us don’t have a crystal ball that will tell us if a connection will last forever, (regardless of whether we wait three dates, three weeks, three months, or three years to sleep with a person), we all have an emotional guidance system that will let us know when it’s time to have sex.  But, the only way to tap into this mysterious “know-it-all” machine is to first get out and live.

Allow yourself to have experiences that create contrast – (i.e. “Things that feel good” vs “Things that feel bad”).  And spoiler alert: life will sort of take care of this one on its own…  Whether we want it to or not. (Sad face.)

Then, you’ll want to spend some time alone sifting through the emotional data you’ve collected from said experiences and reflect.

(Mmmm….  Namaste… )

Your natural desire to feel good will help you define what it is that you want from the experiences you’ve had, (i.e. reveal your authentic self), as well as help you create boundaries against any distractions from you living your best life.

And, last but not least, you’ll want to turn around and care soooo much about how you feel that you’ll decide to only do more of what feels good and less of what feels bad.

The self-discipline involved in the last step can be tough at first, but it’s absolutely crucial in honing your skill in quickly, (and eventually effortlessly), following your emotional guidance system’s “yellow brick road” of positive feelings. For every time you honor the emotional data you’ve collected from your experiences, and stick to what feels good, you’ll be rewarded with something else that feels even better.  And that, my friend, is what will allow you to establish the trust you need in your emotional GPS system to handle situations like the one you were in like a Jedi, instead of a Regretful Randy. (Which is a term I just made up… and am pretty proud of).

Right now it’s impossible for you to know just yet whether sex on the first date is appropriate for you because – (follow me now) – you’ve blocked off your ability to properly digest what the information a sexual experience like this has to offer you by getting caught up in the (false) beliefs that: (1) you should already know how an experience will make you feel before you experience it, and (2) that that there’s an appropriate time for you to have sex that can be dictated by someone other than you and your experiences. (Whew!)

Consequently, the negative emotions you’re currently feeling, doll, isn’t due to your emotional guidance system agreeing with you that you’ve done something wrong, it’s due to your emotional guidance system letting you know that there is no joy for you in adopting someone else’s opinion on what you do, or don’t do, with your vagina. 

Relief in this moment will come when you accept the fact that you’re on a journey to learn what works for you; and THEN, and only then, will you be free to receive the insight you seek from what your experiences have to offer you.

This insight will let you know under which circumstances having sex will feel good.  It will let you know what needs to be in place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally for you to get your emotional guidance system’s “it’s safe” signal and gleefully get your freak on.

And, finally, if you want long-term potential with someone who will accept you for you, the answer, again, lies in you getting comfortable “doing you.” (No pun intended…  Or is it… He he he.)  That means that your authentic match will respect you and your desire to have sex whenever the hell you want to.  Not when society deems it appropriate.

The right guy for you will be okay with whatever circumstances you enjoy having sex under.  Those circumstances could be created right away, take longer, or vary.  It all depends on you, and how you feel. 

So, until then, keep sifting and sorting through life and getting to know yourself; and best of luck giving a f*ck, or not giving a f*ck, along the way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

My boyfriend cheated, and I need help convincing him that we should stay together… Help!

 

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“And I need help convincing him that we should stay together…”

Dear Megan,

So, the worst has happened…  My boyfriend cheated on me… But I want to stay together. 

How do I go about convincing him that his cheating could be an alarm wake-up call that we can both get past when he is not convinced that he’ll be able to.

Thanks,

-Mrs. Fix It

 


 

Dear “Mrs. Fix It,”

Man, there’s a lot of cheating boyfriends out there who would love you!…  Lol.  Just kidding.  After all, this is a no-judgement zone.  And since, for whatever reason, you’ve dug your heels into this man and decided that he is your wolf – (cheating be damned!) – I’m happy to provide you with whatever assistance I can.

To begin with, in order to convince anyone of anything, you must first become convinced of that thing yourself.

And in order for you to be convinced that this is something you two can get past, I suggest you first focus on what you really want out of ANY romantic relationship.  And by that, I mean to sit down and get clear on how you want the relationship to feel.  Write it down and see if your boyfriend has consistently exhibited behavior that supports those feelings.

If he hasn’t, well then, it’s probably time to cut him loose.  (Especially since you two aren’t married and bound by vows to try and work through any and all foolishness.)

If he has, however, it’s time to recognize that while you may be able to look past this infidelity, you have just come across a big, important desire that you haven’t had to acknowledge until now.  And that is that you want someone who’s not only determined to work through potentially devastating issues in a relationship, but someone who’s determined to work through them with you.  (As reflected in your question.)

So, in this case, the key to convincing your boyfriend that his cheating is something you two can get past is actually – believe it or not – convincing yourself that he’s someone you can get past all this with.

Now, to do that you first have to find out his fight or flight response during tough times, as you’ll need a fighter.  And that, my dear, is in a man’s DNA.  There’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Signs that he’s a fighter who’s determined to work through this potentially devastating incident include him doing things like expressing a desire to go to counseling, and investigating the causes of his behavior in order to make adjustments.  If he does stuff like that, you’ve got a fighter on your hands and you can move on to the next step.  If not, again, you’re probably better off letting the relationship go as there’s no way to get to a happy, infidelity-free relationship, – (one where you’re not carrying all the weight), – without that “fighter” personality trait.

The next thing you’ll have to do to convince yourself that he’s someone you can make it to the other side of this infidelity with is find out if he’s determined to fight for you and your relationship. 

Signs that he wants to work with you for the continuation of your relationship include expressing a relentless desire to be with you; acknowledging your pain, and doing whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to regain your trust; (as well as supporting you in any changes you make to strengthen the relationship).

Once his actions on both regards convince you that he really is “that guy,” your faith in the potential healing of the relationship will be contagious.

You can share articles like “How to Create a Cheat-Proof Relationship” with him for inspiration on you guys’ journey towards healing; but, more than likely, whatever issues you two had that led to this infidelity will be best worked through with the help of a professional.

IF, however, you become convinced that he’s not “The One,” well, as I said in this article on cheating, you can rest assured that when God created whatever wonderful qualities you’ve grown to adore in your boyfriend, guess what? He didn’t stop at him.  There are plenty of guys out that there with similar amazing qualities who won’t cheat on you.

And, finally, remember that while commitments like marriage ask us to work through these “unspeakable acts,” dating gives you the opportunity to “see what you’re gettin’ wit’ before you get wit’ it.” (I stole that line from a Jerry Springer hillbilly, he he.)  So, since this is the time where you both are free to see if the other person is the right fit for you, I encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing, and use it wisely ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

Happy Holidays, Sex Symbols

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Me, 2018 Birthday Celebration

Well, sexy ladies and gentle-wolves, the holiday season is upon us.

And when considering a gift for you all I thought, “What expression of love – more than anything else – do I think sex symbols crave?” The answer: INTIMACY…  Or “In-to-me-see,” as the spiritual gurus pronounce it.

So, instead of answering a question, I’ve decided to share with you all an unedited – (sorry) – excerpt from this morning’s entry in my journal. And I pray to GAWD I don’t regret it, lol…

This is the most personal thing I could ever share with anyone, and therefore my holiday present to you all, (as Lord knows I may get too busy to answer another question before the year is up.)

So “In-To-Me-See…”  And feel free to send me any of your journal entries.  I promise I won’t read them aloud to a group of strangers for shits and giggles.

Journal entry excerpt – November 8, 2018:

“If a person loves movies, and was groomed to write them, but instead went off and spent their life writing love letters are they wrong?… I am on a journey to know myself, and accept and love myself. To cheer on myself. And each moment I do so I win.

Not in any other moment. Not in any “achievement.” But in the moments I see myself, and allow myself to be how-ever, and who-ever I am.

Not blaming my identity on a past trauma, but seeing the beauty of my uniqueness.

It is my only job.

My only calling.

My life’s work…

To dance. To play. To support myself in both my goals and the moments where I lose my footing. To laugh it off and get up.

To rest when needed. To shelter others who are lost.

To allow love and support from whoever is strong enough to give it.

To participate in the balance of life. Leaving all judgment behind. And just being me…”

Happy holidays.  And take care of yourself, sex symbols.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Help! I love people way too deeply!

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When you feel like you’re giving way more than you’re getting back

Dear Megan,

Confession: I’m one of those people who loves and cares for others way too much.

I could never just let go of someone. I’ve always stayed until it hurts me, and then stayed even longer. I even feel sorry for ***holes because I believe everyone has something amazing.

I stay in relationships and just keep giving it everything I got. Is that not enough? Let me give you my kidney, too. Do you want my soul? No problem! I just don’t know how, why, or when to stop.

Unlike many who have this problem – (most of them seem to be females) – I am a male who has emotions that go deeper than the Mariana Trench.

It scares people because they don’t know about it at all. Some people seem to understand me a little bit, only after I try to explain in 1,001 different ways just how my emotions don’t have an on/off button.

How do you live with the people who just don’t get it, or the ones who take advantage of it?  And do you feel the same? How do you deal with all this in your life? What obstacles do you come across in life?

-Mr. Lover Teresa

 


Dear “Mr. Lover Teresa,”

First of all, why are you all in my business, lol…  Didn’t I spill enough “tea” in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” when it comes to my issues?  Hahaha.  How about we just focus on you and your problem, (which – alright, you pulled my arm – yeeessss, I’ve related to in the past), and get right down to it, shall we.

First of all, I want to say that it’s great that you’re going into a relationship focused on what you can give.  Too many people are focused on what they can get, and all that leads to is a bunch of horse trading and taking score.

However, when it comes to love, well, I’ve got some news for you: If you think you’re giving love to someone else and it’s hurting, guess what, it’s not love.  It’s something else.

You see, love is not like anything else.  It’s a magical, connecting, powerful, good-feeling, healing force that just exists in nature.  All anyone can really do with love is feel it and allow it to flow through them, (which feels good as hell), or resist/block it, (which sucks major balls).

Now, when you allow love to flow through you while simultaneously holding another as your object of attention it seems like you’re the one giving them love, but in reality they’re either just choosing to let love in at that moment or not.  You can influence someone to make the choice to let love flow through them at any given moment, but ultimately it’s their choice and – clutch your man pearls – has less to do with you than what romantic films like “The Notebook” and “The Titanic” want you to believe.

So, what else might you be giving “until it hurts” if it’s not love?  Why, a reason to stay, of course.  After all, “Who else is gonna love the poor bastard like you do?!?” 

“Giving” in this sort of self-sacrificial way is something born out of fear, not love.  Or, more accurately, a deep down fear that you’re not worthy of love and have to bend over backwards to deserve and get it….  You know, low self-esteem type stuff developed in childhood that causes us to put others’ desires and approval ahead of how we feel.

Alright, now, take a second to breathe.  I know I hit you with a lot, but, don’t worry, I’m about to show you the light I found at the end of the tunnel.

Getting out of this frustrating “I love you so much it hurts” cycle requires you to do three things:

First, you have to focus on improving your self-esteem so you that you know you’re worthy of the love that’s available to you day-in-and-day-out and don’t have to kill yourself trying to get it from others.  I give some tips on how to do that when answering this question, but my book goes deeper into how I did it.  And if you’re too lazy to read, I highly recommend checking out this video with Marisa Peer.  She’s all about raising self-esteem, and can teach how to do it with the simple phrase, “I am enough.”

Then, once you’ve gotten your self-esteem up, you’re going to make sure that when it comes to love YOU EAT FIRST.  Focus on keeping your spiritual “cup” full so that all you “give” to others is what spills over.  The overflow.  When you’re full of the love that is your birthright you feel good, and any positive affect you may have on another as a result is just a bonus, not your reason for living.

Stressing out over the love you’re “giving” from now on will simply be your sign that you’ve disconnected from your true source of love and have reverted to casting another in the role of your cup-filler.  So, step back and take the time to reconnect to your cup-filler’s true source by doing the things you learned that raise your self-esteem until it’s second nature.

Finally, once you’ve started to get a hang of all this, become okay with the fact that sometimes you’ll be in a more loving place than others.  The same way a millionaire would be cray cray for begrudging a deep-in-debt partner for not going half-sies on a yacht, don’t expect others to be able to “give” love they don’t have/aren’t allowing in at any given moment.

And since, like a low-rent masseuse in Montreal, I’m known for my happy endings, I’ll end by giving you the good news.  Doing all this work does not mean that you have to end up with some unappreciative, depressing a**hole.  For just as self-made people eventually disconnect from any and all mooching friends and go on to bond with those they can just sit back and enjoy their newfound prosperity with, people who become “rich in love” also get tired of hanging around those who aren’t on their wavelength and eventually find each other.  And once you find your loving tribe you’ll never look back.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.