Here’s something special for you from MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL!… Are you dating, or in a relationship, but worried your abusive background is getting in the way? Confused on how to have a good relationship when you have trauma from past domestic violence? Well, in this video one of my favorite teachers, Iyanla Vanzant, talks with Elizabeth Gilbert on how to break your family pathology of abuse and get past your issues with men.
Enjoy! And don’t forget to subscribe for more support!
For more on this topic check out Iyanla Vanzant’s book, “Peace from Broken Pieces,” as well as the full interview on Elizabeth Gilbert’s YouTube Channel.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
This one’s for the wolves, (aka fellas), ladies! 😉
Sick and tired of online dating? Fed up with getting ignored online, or ghosted, trying to figure out “what women want” or “how to get the girl?” Well, in reviewing six different websites on common online dating mistakes men make, I’ve compiled a list of FORTY things that turn women off online so that you can figure out what exactly may be standing in your way of finding love via online dating. Enjoy!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go everywhere… Well, at least that’s the thinking behind some of the best, (meaning “baddest”), femme fatales of the last decade! (For the YouTube/video version of this article click here.)
We’re called “Femme Fatales,” which is French for “Fatal Woman,” when we use our feminine wiles to bring about the destruction of the men around us. And if the femme fatales featured below have taught us anything, it’s that dangerous women don’t just exist on the big screen. Fortunately, even a “bad girl” can give us a good lesson; so in this “Dear Megan” we look at the important message the persistent existence of this REAL bad girls club serves to remind us.
So, without further ado, here are the top five real-life femme fatales of the last decade, and at the end you’ll find the important message they serve to remind us.
Coming in at number 5 is V. Stiviano. You guys might remember her as the mistress, or “personal assistant,” to former Clippers owner Donald Sterling. After a 2.5 year relationship that netted her a $1.8 million dollar home, $240,000 Ferrari, Bentley, Range Rovers, etc, shopping sprees, and world travel, V. Stiviano released, excuse me, her “friend” as she keeps calling her, leaked a tape that showcased the secret recording Stiviano had made of Donald Sterling making racist comments. The recording cost Sterling the team, got him banned from the NBA for life, fined $2.5 million, and basically a horrible reputation that will follow him around for the rest of his life.
As far as Stiviano’s intentions go, it’s pretty obvious that she was, indeed, purposefully spinning a web of destruction as she supposedly has over 100 hours of recordings, and consistently calls the person who leaked the tapes her friend, which you probably wouldn’t do if they betrayed your trust. When asked in an interview how Sterling was doing post his demise (as she claimed she had just come from seeing him), Stiviano said, “Confused. I think he feels very alone. Not truly supported by those around him. Tormented. Emotionally traumatized,” but that she was urging him to “come to his own rescue,” so I guess there’s that.
Number 4 might come as a surprise to some of you, but it is Shelly Sterling. Yes, the wife of Donald Sterling. Usually the wife who stands by and lets you hang yourself is just as dangerous as an ill-intentioned mistress. In other words, she may have the ring, but not your back.
This woman sat by year after year and watched Donald and Stiviano cozy up at games, and go on trips together, until she finally decided to make her chess move and sue Stiviano for all the gifts Donald Sterling had gotten her, which was what initiated the chain reaction of Stiviano releasing those tapes, which ultimately led to Donald Sterling’s downfall. Shelly Sterling then gained control of the team by claiming Donald was showing signs of Alzheimer’s disease and sold it out from under him, netting $2 billion. Mr. Sterling, himself, tried to sue his wife, but was unsuccessful.
Now, Shelly Sterling has been married to Donald since 1955, and in that time she has sued other mistresses from time to time, so she knows what her husband’s about. In an interview with Barbara Walters she admitted that she doesn’t love him, but only pities him and feels sorry for him. Meanwhile, the two remain married, and Donald Sterling can still be seen around town splurging on new girlfriends, who are undoubtedly femme fatales in their own right.
Coming in at number 3 is Peggy Fulford, aka Peggy King. Yes, not all girls hanging around athletes are looking to become WAGS, which, for those of you who don’t know is the acronym for Wives and Girlfriends of Sports Stars, some just want their money and are willing to do whatever it takes to gain their trust to get it.
Peggy Fulford was what some called a “sweet-talking beauty” who posed as a Harvard Law School grad and certified financial planner that stole millions of dollars from professional athletes – which included guys like Dennis Rodman, Ricky Williams, and Travis Best. Fulford used both her sex appeal AND motherly nature by claiming that she wanted to help athletes create generational wealth and not be taken advantage of by a bunch of outsiders, (as many athletes are often victims of fraud since they aren’t well-equipped to manage their own finances given how much time they have to focus on their talent). And she was going to do it by handling their money for free!
Once she gained the trust of a few athletes by becoming a total-support system for their lives by throwing baby showers for them, dealing with any baby-mama drama, helping them buy engagement rings, and showing up at the hospital when they were sick, they would then refer her to others. It didn’t take long for Fulford to have a roster of over 31 athletes calling her “mama.” That was her nickname: “mama.”
When it came to the money, Peggy would put them on an allowance and “manage” the rest, which apparently to her meant buying herself things like a 5 bedroom waterfront mansion with an elevator in Ft. Lauderdale, a fleet of cars which included a Maserati, Bentley, Rolls Royce, Porsche, etc., “Coming to America” sized diamonds (as one detective put it), etc. She even nabbed herself a doctor husband in the process, which one might think would be enough for her to exit the game, but, no, she began to move on to targeting non-athletes, as well. For femme fatales, everything is really more “sport” than necessity, you see.
Well, eventually athletes were getting notifications that things like their electricity and life insurance bills weren’t getting paid, which got the attention of their lawyers, and then everything started crashing down. Fulford left many of these men completely broke; and, remember, for most of them that money that can’t be easily replaced as for many the money they make during their playing years is the most they’ll ever make. She pled guilty to her crimes in 2018, claiming that things just got out of hand, and received a maximum sentence of 10 years. She’ll be about 70 when she gets out and says she might open a flower shop.
Coming in at number 2, is a quick one before we get to the number 1 spot as it’s simply an honorable mention for the figment of my imagination that goes by the name Celeste Leigh. (Remember, since this is my list I can do whatever I want, lol.) An essential character in my book “Serial Killer,” Celeste is one bad mama-jama. She gets mixed up with the main character, Detective Andrew Crane, and, well, you can read about how well that works out for him via this link. I’ll link to the book below, and you can go check it out on Amazon or Barnes and Noble, or whatever online retailer you like to buy your books from.
And, finally, coming in at our number 1 spot is Samantha Barbash, aka Samantha Foxx, the Scores hostess and former stripper who was so bad that had immortalize her in the 2019 movie, “Hustlers,” in which she is portrayed by Jennifer Lopez. Now, for her version of how things went down you may want to check out her book “Underscore,” which I feel obliged to mention because this chick so bad she’s even suing J-Lo for not getting all the facts straight.
But basically, her “misdeeds” involve her being the ringleader of a couple girls, (namely Roselyn Keo, [who describes herself as the CFO to Barbash’s CEO], Karina Pascucci, and Marsi Rosen), in a scheme that involved drugging mostly Wall Street men, as well as other club regulars, who frequented their famous New York strip club, Scores. From their “out of it” patrons, they’d use their (mostly) black American Express cards to rack up about $100k a night on their bills.
These men were usually wealthy, high-powered, and married men as they were more inclined to just let it go; and any formal complaints any men did try and file with the police department were usually just chalked up to buyer’s remorse the next day.
Drug-wise, they didn’t use a date-rape drug, but instead a mixture of ketamine and MDMA, (which apparently is a form of ecstasy or molly), to get them “drunk enough to use their credit card but sober enough to sign the check,” (as the movie put it), earning them scores of money at Scores. (See what I did there 😉.) And sometimes, they’d just flat out take the card and have a store like Christian Louboutin open up just for them at 6 in the morning and blow about $80k. CFO, Keo, says she spent a lot of time on the phone with American Express verifying things like the customer’s social security number, Mother’s maiden names, etc.
Eventually it all came tumbling down when Karina Pascucci, a massage girl for the club turned “fisher” – (meaning one of the girls who went out to lure a guy into the club for them to extort) – for Barbash; when one of her infatuated doctor clients that she entertained four times refused to pay his $100k bill claiming that he was drugged. With both sides – the club and him – suing over the bill, the law finally took more of an interest, set up a sting operation, and Roselyn folded. Two of the fisher girls got a few weekends in jail, and both Keo and Barbash got probation.
Pasucci maintains that she didn’t see anything wrong with what they were doing, saying that “Strip clubs prey on the weak anyway, and it’s your job to run up their bill,” while Barbash would rather discuss what she claims are an abundance of men who come in and drug the girls working there. At the end of the day, Barbash got off with what many consider a slap on the wrist, and claims that her, and her new book, are doing just fine now. According to Oprah Mag she now owns a spa.
Alright, so what is it that these women serve to remind us???That there is no such thing as the weaker sex. We, as women, don’t need to victimize ourselves every time a man behaves in an undesirable way, because we’re just as dangerous, if not more so in some ways because we often have the law on our side, as they are. So, rise up. And, remember, the world is not harder for you because you’re a woman, but on the contrary, it’s scare of you because you are a woman.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
I feel like sex is all I have to offer because guys mainly seek me for this.
I’m in my early 20s and am absolutely fed up with the way my male peers treat and look at me. I’ve only been with one guy in my entire life, but before and after our relationship I was always ogled, groped, and treated like a sex object.
I never understood why guys would perceive me this way because I am incredibly shy and introverted. People mainly describe me as shy and sweet as well because of my youthful appearance. Ironically, guys my age and older will sometimes lead me on after socializing with them by asking me to meet them at their apartments, go out on dates, and eventually spend time with them to have sex after. Sitting next to them, they’ll blatantly put their hands on my hips, insert their hands in my hoodie pockets, or try to feel me up whenever they ask for a hug.
I never lead them on in any way. I just engage with them with politeness, friendliness, and kindness. I use a lot of empathy and give my full attention when talking to them. Almost like a “therapist,” but only because I genuinely want to get to know them and be a good listener. However, they’ll later turn these interactions into something sexual or flirtatious. I want to be a b*tch to them, but that’s not who I am.
I’ve been internalizing these persistent experiences for a couple of years. Also wondering if sex is something I should start having since it’s all they want from me in the end. I only want to lose it in a committed relationship, but I’m afraid the guy will bounce after I give it to him or, worst, stick around solely for that.
I’ve also thought about escorting and porn, given the way guys look at and talk about my body. I really feel like it may be all I have to offer, but I think it’s too extreme and goes against my beliefs.
Ahh… I miss those days… The days when guys only cared about what was in my pants… Now they care about what’s in both my pants AND wallet! Lol… But seriously, I couldn’t be MORE excited about this question because it addresses so much of what I deal with in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.” So, without further ado, let’s get to unpacking this baggage.
To begin with, let’s get the things you seem confused about just because you’re, you know, in your early 20s and don’t have enough experience to know certain things, out of the way. (And trust me, that isn’t a knock on you. I was so naïve when I was your age I didn’t even know guys were trying to have sex with me when we were kissing in their bedroom! [Forehead, meet palm.])
Firstly, you’ll want to note that when you hang out with a wolf – aka guy – alone in an intimate setting, especially after a date, he’s likely to make a move. And since most of us girls are willing to be “b*tches” with strong boundaries, your kind reactions to their unwanted advances will be perceived as you “wanting it,” aka giving them the greenlight, or “leading them on.”
With that said, understand that their behavior isn’t so unique to you that it justifies altering your self-image, or ideas about your self-worth. However, you are smart to turn the lens on yourself when it comes to you internalizing these “persistent experiences” for years. That, my dear, is where you’ve gotten off track and lost in the weeds somewhere with no clue as to who you are. So it’s understandable that you feel rotten about yourself as a result.
To state matters clearly, what we have here is a simple case of you, as the creator of your own reality, losing control over your ability to create experiences that you want; which in this case are romantic encounters where you feel valued.
At some point in your internalizing and focusing on undesirable advances from the men you entertained, you got WAY too much momentum going in the direction of attracting more of the same – (because what you give your attention to magnifies and keeps showing up in your experience by way of energetic invitation. Just like when you were a kid and you gave your attention to, say, the color blue, and before you knew it you saw the color blue EVERYWHERE.) Now, as a result of you getting so much momentum going in an unwanted direction, your work is simply to re-embrace your creative power, and steer your ship around to creating what it is you DO want to experience.
Now, before I tell you how that’s done, I want to point out that some people find it helpful to know why they decided to focus on a specific thing, and take things so personally that they allowed it to distract them from creating their own desires, so that they can avoid certain traps or triggers to do so again in the future.
If you feel that that’s the path for you allow me to go on a quick rant and affirm that, contrary to what some believe, consistently attracting men who try to get into your pants on dates is NOT about what you wear or don’t wear, (to a certain extent, of course. If you show up nude I can’t help you, lol.) Some people like to blame women for inappropriate, (and sometimes even violent), behavior from men based on what they’re wearing, but I’m happy to report that it’s a guy’s character and personality that will determine how he treats the woman in front of him, not what she looks like. A man is who he is. I have friends who dress and act like saints who can’t get a guy to take them seriously for the life of them, while me and my cleavage and legs stay breezy and I get treated very well, and taken very, very seriously.
At the end of the day, it is the energy that you put out, that will determine what type of men and behavior you attract and constantly have lingering around you. And if you’re attracting a bunch of wolves with impatient or shallow behavior you may find it helpful to know how you cultivated that energy.
For some examples, you could be attracting them due to emotional unavailability on your part from things like abandonment issues or a previous relationship, and/or daddy issues – (remember my videos on “Daddy Issues” and “How to Tell if You’re Emotionally Available?”) There could be sexual trauma in your background that you subconsciously want to deal with, or you yourself may just be horny but sexually repressed in an attempt to maintain a “good” image… Maybe you have insecurities that need to be addressed, or don’t trust that you know how to create intimacy with another person so you hand over the reins to guys, (who often times are able to experience intimacy through sex before most women are ready to – especially after you’ve become their therapist), only to be reminded that they’re moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with and that you really should trust yourself. Maybe deep down you like exploring your effect on men but still aren’t willing to settle for just sex when you really want love. Maybe you know you’re looking for love in the wrong places and are stalled romantically as a result. Or maybe you simply just let your curiosity or people-pleasing tendencies get you into bad spots. Whatever it is, if you want to know the “why” as to how you got yourself into this situation, feel free to delve into that work with the help of a counselor, and/or deep thinking/self-analysis with things like journaling, books, etc.
And for my final note before I go into the “game plan” for getting what you want, let me address your interest in adult work as a result of all this “attention,” (which I further speak to in this video on “How to Use Your Looks To Get Ahead In Life: The Adult Version.”) When you’re young you’re still learning a lot about what feels right for you and what doesn’t, so I not only understand your inclination to consider adult work, but I applaud your willingness to explore life on your own terms.
Just like a tall, thin girl is informed that she can be a model; or a big, 300 lb. boy is told that he should play football, certain people do have an unshakable sexy quality whose utilization is encouraged – (e.g. Marilyn Monroe, who was at first very disappointed when her acting teacher informed her of that quality in her, eventually came down on the decision to embrace it). For many it feels like you’re doomed to not be taken seriously, so you’re tempted to just say F-it and “give the people what they want.”
However, entry into the adult industry, like every other decision you make, is best done if it comes from a place of self-love, fun, curiosity, and a certain degree of clarity; not disillusionment, rebellion, and a feeling of hopelessness. So just as you’re determined to stick to your guns when making that decision, go one step further and stay true to your desire to have intimate encounters you’ll actually enjoy, feel safe and adored in, experience chemistry etc. You know, all that stuff I mentioned in “What to Look for in a Man AND Relationship.”
Now, as far as the game plan goes for getting your ship to go in the direction of what it is you want, your work is to (1)break the momentum you currently have going in the perpetuation of unwanted intimate experiences by giving your attention to something else… Anything else…
Decide to take a break from dating and focus on other things you enjoy. Then, (2) when your feelings of frustration over what you’ve been attracting in the dating world aren’t as strong, begin to focus on what you DO want to feel when you’re in the presence of a man. Write it down, and find images or songs, etc. that reflect the feelings you want to feel, even going into the why of what you want to feel, and really allow yourself to get tuned into the frequency of love.
And to further stay connected with your vision, refuse to entertain anything that’s not a match. When meeting new guys, incorporate phrases and modes of operating that reflect your new “vision-supporting boundaries.” Responses like: “Thanks for the invitation, but I prefer not to hang out in intimate settings before I really get to know a person,” or “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll meet you at the restaurant, (or will Uber home),” etc. should not only give a guy an idea of what you’re about, but it’ll also give you more time to see if he’s a match to your vision.
In a world with so many people who want different things, at times you may observe something that momentarily causes you to lose sight of your vision, or occasionally attract a guy who’s not on the same page as you, but don’t beat yourself up or dwell on it as that’ll just keep you separated from the frequency of love and thereby hold up your creative process. In those moments, practice self -compassion, (as I mention in “Inner Beauty Secrets”), and keep it moving.
The right guy who is a match to your desires will eventually come along.
But, remember, as I pointed out in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” a wolf is still a wolf, meaning he’s still gonna want fresh meat. Which is okay, because under the right circumstances you’ll want his meat, too. For now, you just have to position yourself to attract someone who’s got all the other things you want to feel when in both the presence of a man and a relationship. And rest assured that when you do, you two will have no trouble feasting upon each other. Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
I broke up with my fiancé of 9 months, and now it’s been 3 months and I still don’t know if it was the right decision. The reason why I broke up is because there were small things that bothered me that started to build up. Looking back at it, I feel like it’s things I can help him with to grow and I shouldn’t have abandoned him, yet then again, he never seemed to put in the effort. Am I a bad person for wanting to I change him?”
“Dear Megan,
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. He’s bipolar so he calls me really early in the am and I didn’t want to wake up the rest of my family members so I hung up on him. Two hours later I messaged him, ‘What’s up?’ And I get this as a response: Sorry but I need someone who will be there for me when I need them to and clearly you cannot do that. And he also writes we really could have been amazing together and it kills me to say this but lose my number. And he also blocked me from everything – his phone, all social media… I can’t understand why he would get so upset over something so silly. I really loved him, and this is driving me crazy because I thought that he loved me. Why do you think he did this, and do you think that he will be back?”
“Dear Megan,
I am seeking guidance to my situation as I’ve lost all hope and I have no idea what to do. I have been with my current partner for approaching 5yrs. We have loads in common and I love him to bits but we have never had any sex life. I just don’t feel special or important to him. He’s not prepared to get any help for his issues, I’ve offered to go with him to talk to someone but I think he’d be more prepared to let me walk away than to try and sort it out, which to me says our relationship isn’t important to him. After nearly 5yrs am I wasting my time?”
Now, not only to kill multiple birds with one stone – (I mean, I’m lazy, but not that lazy, lol) – but to stick by my preference of teaching y’all how to fish opposed to giving y’all fish, I’m going to respond to these questions by sharing the FOUR things a professional counselor shared with me when I was once confused about what one should looking for in a man and relationship worth staying in and fighting for.
And in no particular order, those things are:
Chemistry, (of course). In its most easily identifiable terms, this means that you’re with someone that you want to touch… Kiss.. Hug… And “bang.” Now, with that said, since these feelings can not only come and go, but can cause some to over-look other important things in a satisfying relationship, (like good treatment), it’s very important to balance it out with the other three criteria. But, yeah, he can’t just be a “nice guy.” You gotta want to touch the boy.
Intellectual Connection. While you two may not be into all of the same things, or have the same educational background, it is important that the other person understand you when you speak, (lol). And note that I’m not saying that your partner should automatically get your emotions the first time they’re conveyed. (It takes genuine curiosity, respect, and a strong desire to do so for a partner to get past their own seemingly-conflicting needs and truly hear you; as well as patience on your part to work with him until he does. [And vice versa when needed.]) I’m saying that you should feel like you’re on “the same level” so that you can converse with your partner about your interests. This is what allows for the foundation of friendship.
Safety. A feeling of safety in the relationship is not only a big one because it manifests in so many ways, but it takes a lot of time to fully accomplish and see if it’s there. Not only do you need to feel safe physically, which is only determined after experiencing adversities. (How does he treat you when he’s upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, or feels like he’s losing something, etc.?) But it’s important to feel safe emotionally. Can you be vulnerable, open, and honest about everything with this person. Does he have your back? Is he willing to protect and provide for you? Is he devoted and dedicated to you and the relationship? If you value monogamy, does he? Do you two have other shared values like marriage, family, and a commitment to work things out during tough times?… Feeling safe will make room for trust and allow you to let your walls down and become a true team player. But remember, actions speak louder than words, so be prepared to give this box time before checking it off.
Love For Each Other. Simply put, do you two care for each other? Do you want the best for each other? Support each other? And respect each other? This love you two share for each other will be the glue that will help you guys weather the storms, push each of you to communicate when tired, seek counseling when needed, and even learn each other’s “love language” if either of you don’t speak it naturally.
*Bonus criteria I can’t help but add!*
Your gut’s approval! I know you might feel like you gut is broken or “misguided,” or that you simply don’t have enough life experience to put faith in it, but trust me, your instincts won’t fail you because deep down you know if something’s good for you or not. So, learn to trust your emotional guidance system by, guess what, trusting it! But, yeah, I know it’s hard so that’s why I laid out the criteria that’ll help you when you’re having trouble trusting yourself. But at the end of the day, just know that if this guy and his behavior feels consistently good, you can go with it. If it doesn’t feel consistently good, and you find yourself making excuses for bad behavior, let your courage and faith help you in walking away. After all, remember, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!” Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
How do you know if someone is “The One?” This one guy I know keeps coming back from time to time, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I hear old songs and am reminded of him, and after every breakup with other guys I go back to thinking of him.
Are there signs if someone is the person you’re meant to be with forever? Like, will his name just keep coming up? Or maybe your family and their family get along? Or is all that just a coincidence.
As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; and by the sound of it, you’ve been exposed to enough purely seasonal and “reasonal” people that you’re ready for your “lifetime” person already, lol… Your “soulmate…” “The One…” But you’re confused. How are you supposed to know who this mysterious bastard is when you come across him so that you don’t eff things up! Well, good question. I’ll tell you on my deathbed after I’ve lived a lifetime and have had concrete proof. Haha, j/k. Let’s get into it.
To begin with, I first want to clarify that there’s not only nothing wrong with the “reason and season” people who temporarily come into your life to offer you life lessons, but they’re just as essential in helping you grow into the person you want to be as the Lifetime person. Consequently, all three types of people are “The One” for you, some are just it for a shorter time.
But I get it, many of us want “The One” one. Someone we can grow with AND grow old with. That person who knows and loves us so deeply over decades of time that we not only don’t have to keep explaining ourselves to new people, but we end up belonging to a beautiful relationship that can’t help but create an atmosphere for unconditional love to thrive.
Gives me “lady wood” just thinking about it.
So, we meet people, get excited, and wonder, is this “The One” that I can spend the rest of my life with? Is this “The One” I can (and should) settle down with, have fun with, share my secrets with, grow with, heal with, and in some cases, (if you like to wait), sleep with?
Well, whether you end up getting this information from a pastor like Bishop TD Jakes who said, “What left me couldn’t stay, and what stayed couldn’t leave me,” or relationship expert, Tracy McMillan, who reminded us in her book, Why You’re Not Married… Yet, that if a man leaves he’s not your man, or even life experience, the simple truth is that the only way to know if someone is the one for you is… drumroll please… if they stay!
Anyone else who comes into your life was simply a reason or season person, but the person who stays is THE ONE. Like, THEE ONE.
Now, if you don’t like “The One,” or the relationship you have with this persistent S.O.B, you might want to become a new “one,” (aka person), so that you can attract a better match. You know, the whole to find a soulmate you must mate with your soul first principle. This means you need to take some time to get in touch with who really are, and what you really want deep down, so that you attract what’s harmonious with your deepest desires.
In that case you’ll want to sit down, go quiet, and get back in touch with how you want to FEEL in a relationship. Getting in touch with what feels good, (not what looks good), will cause you to exude different “good-feeling” energy and consequently act differently, which will cause you to attract different things.
If that person that you were involved with is still a match to what you really want deep down, you guys will be able to work through whatever differences you guys have and live to “fight another day.” If not, he’ll simply become another reason or season person, leaving you in a position to then attract a more harmonious AND peaceful relationship in your life.
So, for now, you can rest assured knowing that, in the end, time is the only thing that tells the truth, and “The One” will reveal himself to you in it. In the meantime, with whoever you find yourself attracted to, give it time. Get to know the person and let them know you. The real you. If they’re truly for you they’ll stick with you through both your pleasant sides and also your not-so-pleasant sides. And remember, you can’t F*ck things up with “The One.” That’s what makes them “The One.”Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Boy, have I got some BIG news for you!!… In case the featured YouTube “thumbnail” picture didn’t give it away, I’m expanding “Dear Megan” to include the new YouTube channel I’m starting! (But don’t worry, I’ll still be taking and answering questions here.)
In honor of this expansion, I’ve decided to make my first video all about tackling the often difficult and terrifying act of MOVING ON.
So, if you’ve been wanting to move on from something you’ve found extremely hard to let go of – like an unsatisfactory job or career, a bad romantic relationship, a flaky friend, or even a financially-generous-but-cock-blocking “older male friend” (he he) – I highly recommend you check out this video.
In it I discuss what to do after you’ve had enough of the place you’ve outgrown, how to deal with being outside of your comfort zone, and the secret to finding yourself in the place you ultimately want to be.
So, check out the video below. And if it helps you in any way, please make sure to LIKE/THUMBS UP the video, and hit the SUBSCRIBE button and notification bell to be notified of both “Dear Megan” and similar, but non-“Dear Megan” content.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Well, it’s that time of year again! And in the spirit of giving, this year I thought I’d help spread peace, wholeness, and joy to some of my fellow sex symbols by sharing what I’ve come to know as a MAJOR truth behind creating the beautiful life I told you all about at the end of “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”
Now, while I normally extend the term “sex symbol” to include anyone who gets sexually objectified, this bit of advice is particularly aimed at those whose livelihood is tied to their sex appeal, (especially when living in a culture that frowns upon such things…)
And I should also note that in order for this advice to be effective, one must already have made peace with any difficult and/or painful past that helped shape them, find any “sexy” work they do authentic to who they are, and have accepted the maxim that I’m always yammering on about: “nothing is more important than that I feel good.”
If you believe you are worthy of all the love, happiness, and joy that you want for any other person, (or animal), on this planet, then all this should be fairly easy to implement; if not, well, you’ll just continue to listen to outside voices that don’t take into account what you, as an individual, need to live your best life until you get tired of ‘em. No biggie. Lol.
So, without further ado, I present you with the truth that I speak of:
If you’re enjoying the benefits of a livelihood tied to a certain amount of sexual objectification, for you to have peace of mind, fulfillment, and to realize your full potential you’re going to have to let go of the following THREE things.
Let go of any religious ideology that tells you that there’s a God out there and He/She’s judging you. In my experience, “God” is pure Love. Judgment is a man-made thing. And you cannot serve two masters – (i.e. both man and Your Creator). God/Source/The Universe, (or whatever you want to call Your Creator), is Love and wants you to feel good – (remember, this is where that deep-seated belief of self-worth comes in!) – so anytime you’re feeling otherwise it’s because you’ve shifted your focus from Love to man-made fear/judgment. So, again, if you want to feel peace and joy, you have to accept that you are loved, in EVERY moment, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Let go of any social norms that try to convince you that there’s a right way to live your life and a wrong way to live your life. Social norms are created out of a desire to belong, and that desire to belong is created out of a desire to be loved. When you accept that you are already loved no matter what you do, you not only free yourself from the impulse to ignore your own needs and conform for acceptance, but you find out that it is actually your individuality that makes you so damn lovable. So… play on, playa, lol.
Let go of any childhood fantasies that perpetuate the myth that someone, (or something outside of you), is going to come, change your life, and make you happy. Sure, someone dressed as a prince, (or in some of our cases several princes, he-he), may show up and help make your life easier in one way or another, but when it comes to you feeling the sense of security you crave deep down only YOU can give yourself that. So while your sex appeal may help open doors for you, once inside of each new room you enter you’ll have to keep evolving to the point where it’s not only evident that you belong there but no one can shut you out. Doing things for yourself that give you a sense of security is a big part of realizing your full potential and experiencing fulfillment. So, when disappointed at the realization that a prince can turn into a frog at any given moment, pull yourself together, adjust your crown, put on some lipstick, and come up with a plan that’ll give you the life and stability you deserve.
So, what’s the bottom line to all of this letting go business? Accept yourself, your unique path, and whatever season you’re in. Workwith yourself. Make room for your own unique personality, needs, temperament, gifts, perceived “short-comings,” etc. when developing a plan to achieve your life’s dreams, knowing that you are loved every day. And don’t forget to have a happy holiday and, more importantly, and AMAZING New Year! Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
(Like the previous girl who wrote in), I too, was cheated on with escorts. I didn’t talk to him for a couple of months, but he never stopped texting, emailing, sending flowers, etc… When I saw him again he had lost, like, 30 pounds, and looked completely devastated.
In an effort to regain my trust, he gave me a clone phone, put cameras in his house, started going to meetings, therapists, church, he now wants to convert to my religious beliefs, (even though I never asked him to), and he even proposed.
I do believe he is truly remorseful for all the pain he caused, and I even started trusting him a little. Then I caught him LYING about porn and it all went down the toilet.
Am I just wasting my time here? Can people REALLY change that much?
Sincerely,
-Fool Me Once…
Dear “Fool Me Once…”
Goodness, me! What the heck are you doing over there to turn “sinners” into “saints” like THAT?! Lol… (Inquiring priests wanna know, haha…)
But in all seriousness, I love this question. It not only allows me to expound upon my last answer, but it gives me a chance to address the MAJOR mistake I see most people make when dating. So, let’s get to it.
Picking up where I left off last time, let’s say you’ve done the work. You got clear on how you want to feel in a relationship, stayed focused on your vision, and, as a result, you attracted a man who was compatible with that vision.
Now, the guy who seemingly was a match is “cutting up,” and instead of getting the man of your dreams you feel like all you’re getting are trust issues.
However! [*Index finger raised*] You remember that no one is perfect, and reflect back on what I shared with you in “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship.”
You also remember Harville Hendrix’ assertion within that article that “the best one can hope for, (in someone they have chemistry with), is to find someone who is aware of his or her problems and willing to do, with you, the hard work necessary to heal.” (Keeping the Love You Find, pg. 131)
BUT! [*You argue again*] there’s a BIG difference between someone’s willingnessand desire to change, and their capacity to change… And now that’s got you wondering if all of your boyfriend’s/fiancé’s efforts to show you that he truly is “your guy” are Real Deal Holyfield changes, of if you’re just wasting your time.
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.
The “bad news” is that an individual’s capacity to change can only be revealed in time. The “good news” is that – (God-willing) – you’ve got time! (Knock on wood).
And this brings me to the MAJOR mistake I see most people make when dating: They make a commitment BEFORE they have a great relationship.
Happy and healthy relationships require time to (1) allow you to see what you’re consistently getting, (2) grow in trust, and (3) get to a place where you both feel completely safe and secure enough to go “all in.”
And outside of marriage, there’s absolutely NO obligation to enter, or stay, in a relationship you’re not pleased with.
So, feel free to take a step back from committing, (or recommitting), to a relationship you’re unsure of, regain your focus on your vision for the relationship that you desire, (as described in my last answer), and allow time to tell you if a person is someone you truly should commit, (or recommit), to.
When you approach a relationship in this low-pressure, let’s-see-if-we’re-truly-compatible-first way, you not only create the opportunity to lay the strong, friendship-first foundation necessary for a great relationship; but you don’t have to worry about wasting your time because you’re still free to live your best life while discovering if the other person is a match to your deepest desires, (opposed to someone you just want to be).
So, “Fool Me Once,” if this relationship has any long-term romantic potential return to the basics. Focus on creating a great (friendship-based) relationship FIRST, while you let your other friend, Father Time, show you if this guy really can be the consistent and trustworthy man of your dreams. It will go a long way in letting you know if you should, in fact, eventually “say yes to the dress.” Best of luck.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, and we’re planning to get married in a year.
Throughout this relationship, things have been great. He has been really nice, caring and accommodating towards me. He doesn’t look at other women in front of me, we have a great sex life, and he always lets me know his whereabouts.
Things turned downhill, however, when I checked his messages on our 2-year anniversary trip. In them I found a message inquiring about services with an escort. I confronted him immediately and he told me he was not aware of that message, and that his friend had sent it using his phone.
I couldn’t find any reason for him to look for a prostitute, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I let it slide.
A month later I used another number and pretended to be from an escort agency to test him, and he actually replied asking for more details. Then he quit replying.
I eventually confronted him about his replies, and he got mad at me for using such ways to test him. Yes, I do agree that it was unethical to test him in that way, but I just wanted to know the truth.
He then admitted that those messages were sent by him, but he said that he has never cheated on me. He even asked me to call those numbers to see if he engaged any of the girls. He told me it’s to show his colleagues – (his colleagues do visit prostitutes) – about the girls and services. He explained that he lied to me because I wouldn’t have believed him if he told me the truth.
Just yesterday I looked through his messages, and there was a message from an unknown number replying “Ok :)” in the middle of the night. I looked the number up online only to find out that it’s from a prostitute. The next day when I looked through the messages after he was awake it was deleted.
I really want to know what’s that “Ok :)” was supposed to mean. I really need some help. On one hand, he acted so normal, planning for our future, yet messages like these keep appearing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused AF
Dear “Confused AF,”
Remember that sitcom episode where the parents find drugs in their son’s backpack and he says that they’re not his, they’re his friend’s?… Well… #Same. Lol…
Girl. What a sucky situation… Your boyfriend has literally dragged you into an unfun version of the game “two truths and a lie.” Here, he tells you some things that are true, some things that are false, and leaves it up to you to decipher what’s bullshit and what isn’t. Oy-the f*ckin-vey. Lol.
There’s good news, however. And that’s that YOU DON’T HAVE TO PLAY HIS SILLY GAME AT ALL.
I can get bogged down in the not-as-important-as-they-seem details with you, but the truth of the matter is that, when it comes to your situation,all you have to do is decide what type of relationship you want, and whether or not you believe that this relationship can satisfy those desires.
Since you say you desire the truth, (hence your Catfish-like tactics and snooping, haha), and your boyfriend admittedly lies to you, (causing you much distress), you’ve obviously lost faith in your ability to have the relationship of your dreams.
But remember, just as you once wanted someone who had a lot of the traits you admire in your current boyfriend, and allowed that person to manifest in your life, you can reclaim your creative power and manifest a relationship – with, or without him – that incorporates your new desires based on your new life experiences.
To do that you need to focus solely on what you now want, not on what you’re getting, because focusing on what you’re getting will only get you more of the same.
Energy flows where your attention goes.
So, shut out all outside noise. Get still and listen to your inner voice. Journal. And reconnect with how you want your relationship to feel, not what you want your boyfriend to do, because once you reconnect emotionally to the vision of your dream relationship your instructions action-wise will flow from there.
(Insert after-school special speech here: And if you continue to stay in a potentially non-monogamous relationship while you sort things out, I recommend that you “wrap it up.” Non-self-protection in such cases is akin to self-mutilation. So, continue to take care of yourself, which includes not letting a temporary problem become a permanent one.)
And finally, near to the end of your question you say that on your way to the alter “messages like these keep appearing.” So please do stop and listen to those “messages.” They only keep reappearing because you are loved, and “Life” has something to tell you.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols 