Argh! My boyfriend got black-out drunk and ‘may’ have cheated… Help!

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Because sometimes only YOU can help you.

Dear Megan,

This morning my boyfriend of a little bit over a year confessed that he believes he had sex with a stripper in a foreign country. He is in the military and is currently deployed.

He said he went out drinking with some friends and that they went to a strip club. He said he was drinking so much that he blacked out and thinks that he might have cheated.

He keeps saying how incredibly sorry he is, how much he loves me, and that he will do anything to make this right. He is supposed to come home soon, leave the military, and move to where I am.

We have talked about getting married. He even popped the question on more than one occasion. I was fully convinced that he is the one. I planned our life together.

I feel so dead inside, and I have no idea what to do. Please help.

Sincerely,

-Hopeless

 


Dear “Hopeless,”

Oy, if your boyfriend is telling you he might’ve cheated on you, he’s probably got some receipts – whether they’re sore genitals, Vietnam war-esc flashbacks, or friends high-fiving him and saying, “I can’t believe you hooked up with that stripper!” – that he did, in fact, go all the way.

But enough about him, let’s talk about you, and this “Hopeless” alias you gave yourself.

To begin with, you’re the first person to give themselves an alias, (thanks for saving me the trouble of having to think of one, btw), and interestingly enough the first part of the solution to your problem can be found in your self-description: Hopeless.

Although his “potential” act of cheating may have triggered some pain in you, (pain caused by you experiencing the exact opposite of what you want), the prolonged suffering you now feel is a result of you thinking that when it comes to love and relationships you are hopeless and helpless in the creation of what you want.

But just as you dreamt up a beautiful man that would be honest with you, even when he didn’t have to, the creation of the loving relationship you want doesn’t have to stop there.

In the game of love and life, don’t take score too soon.

Instead of using his “potential” act of infidelity to mean that you’re hopeless and helpless when it comes to matters of the heart, remember that relationships are vehicles for growth, and reclaim your creative power in manifesting the lover of your dreams.

Disappointments happen.  Especially when you ask people to do something they’re incapable of doing, which is to consistently put your wants and needs ahead of their own.  But once you allow yourself to feel the pain of that disappointment, (as you are growing and being stretched beyond your comfort zone during it), it’s time to ask the question, “What am I to get out of this experience,” and re-embrace your creative power.

To do so, first realize that you don’t have to make a decision right this second, or anytime soon for that matter, no matter what plans you two have made.  If this guy is serious about doing whatever it takes to make things work with you, he’ll wait for you to take however much time you need to make the decision that’s best for you.

Then you’ll want to do, well, everything I told this girl to do in this article on cheating.  (Hey, I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.  Anybody with me! High five! Lol…)

Once you’re fully tuned into the updated, new relationship this incident has caused you to dream up, (which could take days, weeks, or months, depending on how open you are to receiving it), you’ll find that your current boyfriend is either a match to it, or a mismatch. 

When you see or talk to him, you’ll either want to welcome him with open arms, believing that you can still have your new dream with him; or you’ll want to say, “Thanks for the lessons, but I’ve decided to move on and wish you nothing but the best.”

Any indecisiveness means that you still haven’t embraced the new dream and vision of what you want, which is fine as it takes time to catch up to who you’ve evolved into.  However, if you want to navigate this time in your life with as little drama as possible I suggest you don’t take any action before you’re clear, open, and available to receive the new relationship that this incident has put in your heart.

So best of luck, and keep on dreamin’ on.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

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Did sex on the first date ruin my chances of a long-term relationship?

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Dear Megan,

Sex on the first date. Is that a terrible idea? If I did that, (I did), will it ruin my chances of this guy seeing me as long-term potential?

I feel grossed out that I did it. And his interest seems waning. Afterwards, he did ask if I wanted to join him at a party he originally told me about the next night. I wasn’t free to go and he hasn’t put much effort into texting me since. He’s very attractive, and I wonder if I’m not attractive enough for him, or if I was just too easy to sleep with.

Right now I feel terrible. Unattractive, easy, and cheap.  I want to dig a hole and hide inside it.

Please help!

Sincerely yours,

-First Date Floozy

 


Dear “First Date Floozy,”

Wow…  Dare I touch “sex on the first date” with a ten-foot pole? Or should I just use a ten-inch one and see if you can handle it, you saucy little minx.  Hahaha. BOOOMMMM!!!!  Just kidding… I couldn’t resist. (That’s what she said.)  Okay, last one.  But, seriously, let’s everybody calm down, take a deep breath, grab some wine, and pull up a chair, because when it comes to sex things are about to get a whole lot easier…

To begin with, let me just say that I’ve known some fantastic couples who slept together on the first date and have been happily together – (keyword: “happily”) – for over twenty-five years.  I’ve also known some couples who have been together for just as long but did not.  So, as far as I’m concerned, sleeping together on the first date does NOT ruin the potential for a long-term relationship.

BUT, can it be a terrible idea?

Well, sometimes…

Sex is a terrible idea one time, and one time only: when you know doing it won’t bring you joy.

(Well, technically, I should probably add when you don’t take the proper precautions when it comes to protection… You’re welcome, Planned Parenthood.)

And how will you know for sure when sex won’t bring you joy?  Why, the same way you came to know everything else you know in life, my dear: Experience.

“In life I’ve had to figure out – on my own terms – what works and what doesn’t.  And I’ve have years of practice.” –Drew Barrymore

While most of us don’t have a crystal ball that will tell us if a connection will last forever, (regardless of whether we wait three dates, three weeks, three months, or three years to sleep with a person), we all have an emotional guidance system that will let us know when it’s time to have sex.  But, the only way to tap into this mysterious “know-it-all” machine is to first get out and live.

Allow yourself to have experiences that create contrast – (i.e. “Things that feel good” vs “Things that feel bad”).  And spoiler alert: life will sort of take care of this one on its own…  Whether we want it to or not. (Sad face.)

Then, you’ll want to spend some time alone sifting through the emotional data you’ve collected from said experiences and reflect.

(Mmmm….  Namaste… )

Your natural desire to feel good will help you define what it is that you want from the experiences you’ve had, (i.e. reveal your authentic self), as well as help you create boundaries against any distractions from you living your best life.

And, last but not least, you’ll want to turn around and care soooo much about how you feel that you’ll decide to only do more of what feels good and less of what feels bad.

The self-discipline involved in the last step can be tough at first, but it’s absolutely crucial in honing your skill in quickly, (and eventually effortlessly), following your emotional guidance system’s “yellow brick road” of positive feelings. For every time you honor the emotional data you’ve collected from your experiences, and stick to what feels good, you’ll be rewarded with something else that feels even better.  And that, my friend, is what will allow you to establish the trust you need in your emotional GPS system to handle situations like the one you were in like a Jedi, instead of a Regretful Randy. (Which is a term I just made up… and am pretty proud of).

Right now it’s impossible for you to know just yet whether sex on the first date is appropriate for you because – (follow me now) – you’ve blocked off your ability to properly digest what the information a sexual experience like this has to offer you by getting caught up in the (false) beliefs that: (1) you should already know how an experience will make you feel before you experience it, and (2) that that there’s an appropriate time for you to have sex that can be dictated by someone other than you and your experiences. (Whew!)

Consequently, the negative emotions you’re currently feeling, doll, isn’t due to your emotional guidance system agreeing with you that you’ve done something wrong, it’s due to your emotional guidance system letting you know that there is no joy for you in adopting someone else’s opinion on what you do, or don’t do, with your vagina. 

Relief in this moment will come when you accept the fact that you’re on a journey to learn what works for you; and THEN, and only then, will you be free to receive the insight you seek from what your experiences have to offer you.

This insight will let you know under which circumstances having sex will feel good.  It will let you know what needs to be in place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally for you to get your emotional guidance system’s “it’s safe” signal and gleefully get your freak on.

And, finally, if you want long-term potential with someone who will accept you for you, the answer, again, lies in you getting comfortable “doing you.” (No pun intended…  Or is it… He he he.)  That means that your authentic match will respect you and your desire to have sex whenever the hell you want to.  Not when society deems it appropriate.

The right guy for you will be okay with whatever circumstances you enjoy having sex under.  Those circumstances could be created right away, take longer, or vary.  It all depends on you, and how you feel. 

So, until then, keep sifting and sorting through life and getting to know yourself; and best of luck giving a f*ck, or not giving a f*ck, along the way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

My boyfriend cheated, and I need help convincing him that we should stay together… Help!

 

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“And I need help convincing him that we should stay together…”

Dear Megan,

So, the worst has happened…  My boyfriend cheated on me… But I want to stay together. 

How do I go about convincing him that his cheating could be an alarm wake-up call that we can both get past when he is not convinced that he’ll be able to.

Thanks,

-Mrs. Fix It

 


 

Dear “Mrs. Fix It,”

Man, there’s a lot of cheating boyfriends out there who would love you!…  Lol.  Just kidding.  After all, this is a no-judgement zone.  And since, for whatever reason, you’ve dug your heels into this man and decided that he is your wolf – (cheating be damned!) – I’m happy to provide you with whatever assistance I can.

To begin with, in order to convince anyone of anything, you must first become convinced of that thing yourself.

And in order for you to be convinced that this is something you two can get past, I suggest you first focus on what you really want out of ANY romantic relationship.  And by that, I mean to sit down and get clear on how you want the relationship to feel.  Write it down and see if your boyfriend has consistently exhibited behavior that supports those feelings.

If he hasn’t, well then, it’s probably time to cut him loose.  (Especially since you two aren’t married and bound by vows to try and work through any and all foolishness.)

If he has, however, it’s time to recognize that while you may be able to look past this infidelity, you have just come across a big, important desire that you haven’t had to acknowledge until now.  And that is that you want someone who’s not only determined to work through potentially devastating issues in a relationship, but someone who’s determined to work through them with you.  (As reflected in your question.)

So, in this case, the key to convincing your boyfriend that his cheating is something you two can get past is actually – believe it or not – convincing yourself that he’s someone you can get past all this with.

Now, to do that you first have to find out his fight or flight response during tough times, as you’ll need a fighter.  And that, my dear, is in a man’s DNA.  There’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Signs that he’s a fighter who’s determined to work through this potentially devastating incident include him doing things like expressing a desire to go to counseling, and investigating the causes of his behavior in order to make adjustments.  If he does stuff like that, you’ve got a fighter on your hands and you can move on to the next step.  If not, again, you’re probably better off letting the relationship go as there’s no way to get to a happy, infidelity-free relationship, – (one where you’re not carrying all the weight), – without that “fighter” personality trait.

The next thing you’ll have to do to convince yourself that he’s someone you can make it to the other side of this infidelity with is find out if he’s determined to fight for you and your relationship. 

Signs that he wants to work with you for the continuation of your relationship include expressing a relentless desire to be with you; acknowledging your pain, and doing whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to regain your trust; (as well as supporting you in any changes you make to strengthen the relationship).

Once his actions on both regards convince you that he really is “that guy,” your faith in the potential healing of the relationship will be contagious.

You can share articles like “How to Create a Cheat-Proof Relationship” with him for inspiration on you guys’ journey towards healing; but, more than likely, whatever issues you two had that led to this infidelity will be best worked through with the help of a professional.

IF, however, you become convinced that he’s not “The One,” well, as I said in this article on cheating, you can rest assured that when God created whatever wonderful qualities you’ve grown to adore in your boyfriend, guess what? He didn’t stop at him.  There are plenty of guys out that there with similar amazing qualities who won’t cheat on you.

And, finally, remember that while commitments like marriage ask us to work through these “unspeakable acts,” dating gives you the opportunity to “see what you’re gettin’ wit’ before you get wit’ it.” (I stole that line from a Jerry Springer hillbilly, he he.)  So, since this is the time where you both are free to see if the other person is the right fit for you, I encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing, and use it wisely ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

Happy Holidays, Sex Symbols

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Me, 2018 Birthday Celebration

Well, sexy ladies and gentle-wolves, the holiday season is upon us.

And when considering a gift for you all I thought, “What expression of love – more than anything else – do I think sex symbols crave?” The answer: INTIMACY…  Or “In-to-me-see,” as the spiritual gurus pronounce it.

So, instead of answering a question, I’ve decided to share with you all an unedited – (sorry) – excerpt from this morning’s entry in my journal. And I pray to GAWD I don’t regret it, lol…

This is the most personal thing I could ever share with anyone, and therefore my holiday present to you all, (as Lord knows I may get too busy to answer another question before the year is up.)

So “In-To-Me-See…”  And feel free to send me any of your journal entries.  I promise I won’t read them aloud to a group of strangers for shits and giggles.

Journal entry excerpt – November 8, 2018:

“If a person loves movies, and was groomed to write them, but instead went off and spent their life writing love letters are they wrong?… I am on a journey to know myself, and accept and love myself. To cheer on myself. And each moment I do so I win.

Not in any other moment. Not in any “achievement.” But in the moments I see myself, and allow myself to be how-ever, and who-ever I am.

Not blaming my identity on a past trauma, but seeing the beauty of my uniqueness.

It is my only job.

My only calling.

My life’s work…

To dance. To play. To support myself in both my goals and the moments where I lose my footing. To laugh it off and get up.

To rest when needed. To shelter others who are lost.

To allow love and support from whoever is strong enough to give it.

To participate in the balance of life. Leaving all judgment behind. And just being me…”

Happy holidays.  And take care of yourself, sex symbols.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Help! I love people way too deeply!

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When you feel like you’re giving way more than you’re getting back

Dear Megan,

Confession: I’m one of those people who loves and cares for others way too much.

I could never just let go of someone. I’ve always stayed until it hurts me, and then stayed even longer. I even feel sorry for ***holes because I believe everyone has something amazing.

I stay in relationships and just keep giving it everything I got. Is that not enough? Let me give you my kidney, too. Do you want my soul? No problem! I just don’t know how, why, or when to stop.

Unlike many who have this problem – (most of them seem to be females) – I am a male who has emotions that go deeper than the Mariana Trench.

It scares people because they don’t know about it at all. Some people seem to understand me a little bit, only after I try to explain in 1,001 different ways just how my emotions don’t have an on/off button.

How do you live with the people who just don’t get it, or the ones who take advantage of it?  And do you feel the same? How do you deal with all this in your life? What obstacles do you come across in life?

-Mr. Lover Teresa

 


Dear “Mr. Lover Teresa,”

First of all, why are you all in my business, lol…  Didn’t I spill enough “tea” in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” when it comes to my issues?  Hahaha.  How about we just focus on you and your problem, (which – alright, you pulled my arm – yeeessss, I’ve related to in the past), and get right down to it, shall we.

First of all, I want to say that it’s great that you’re going into a relationship focused on what you can give.  Too many people are focused on what they can get, and all that leads to is a bunch of horse trading and taking score.

However, when it comes to love, well, I’ve got some news for you: If you think you’re giving love to someone else and it’s hurting, guess what, it’s not love.  It’s something else.

You see, love is not like anything else.  It’s a magical, connecting, powerful, good-feeling, healing force that just exists in nature.  All anyone can really do with love is feel it and allow it to flow through them, (which feels good as hell), or resist/block it, (which sucks major balls).

Now, when you allow love to flow through you while simultaneously holding another as your object of attention it seems like you’re the one giving them love, but in reality they’re either just choosing to let love in at that moment or not.  You can influence someone to make the choice to let love flow through them at any given moment, but ultimately it’s their choice and – clutch your man pearls – has less to do with you than what romantic films like “The Notebook” and “The Titanic” want you to believe.

So, what else might you be giving “until it hurts” if it’s not love?  Why, a reason to stay, of course.  After all, “Who else is gonna love the poor bastard like you do?!?” 

“Giving” in this sort of self-sacrificial way is something born out of fear, not love.  Or, more accurately, a deep down fear that you’re not worthy of love and have to bend over backwards to deserve and get it….  You know, low self-esteem type stuff developed in childhood that causes us to put others’ desires and approval ahead of how we feel.

Alright, now, take a second to breathe.  I know I hit you with a lot, but, don’t worry, I’m about to show you the light I found at the end of the tunnel.

Getting out of this frustrating “I love you so much it hurts” cycle requires you to do three things:

First, you have to focus on improving your self-esteem so you that you know you’re worthy of the love that’s available to you day-in-and-day-out and don’t have to kill yourself trying to get it from others.  I give some tips on how to do that when answering this question, but my book goes deeper into how I did it.  And if you’re too lazy to read, I highly recommend checking out this video with Marisa Peer.  She’s all about raising self-esteem, and can teach how to do it with the simple phrase, “I am enough.”

Then, once you’ve gotten your self-esteem up, you’re going to make sure that when it comes to love YOU EAT FIRST.  Focus on keeping your spiritual “cup” full so that all you “give” to others is what spills over.  The overflow.  When you’re full of the love that is your birthright you feel good, and any positive affect you may have on another as a result is just a bonus, not your reason for living.

Stressing out over the love you’re “giving” from now on will simply be your sign that you’ve disconnected from your true source of love and have reverted to casting another in the role of your cup-filler.  So, step back and take the time to reconnect to your cup-filler’s true source by doing the things you learned that raise your self-esteem until it’s second nature.

Finally, once you’ve started to get a hang of all this, become okay with the fact that sometimes you’ll be in a more loving place than others.  The same way a millionaire would be cray cray for begrudging a deep-in-debt partner for not going half-sies on a yacht, don’t expect others to be able to “give” love they don’t have/aren’t allowing in at any given moment.

And since, like a low-rent masseuse in Montreal, I’m known for my happy endings, I’ll end by giving you the good news.  Doing all this work does not mean that you have to end up with some unappreciative, depressing a**hole.  For just as self-made people eventually disconnect from any and all mooching friends and go on to bond with those they can just sit back and enjoy their newfound prosperity with, people who become “rich in love” also get tired of hanging around those who aren’t on their wavelength and eventually find each other.  And once you find your loving tribe you’ll never look back.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Was he just trying to have sex with me???

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When he’s got you thinking about going Dutch…

Dear Megan,

So I recently met this guy, and over a period of ten days we: went for a quick drink, (which was nice and we ended up kissing), went out again for dinner the next day, (nice again, chatty, and, again, we kissed), and, finally, we went on a really expensive dinner date, like £400, that he treated me to. He was really chivalrous, picked me up in a cab, and was really sweet.

I ended up staying at his place that night as we had such a good time – it was 100% not planned. I just ended up there after our cab ride home.  However, given my history with dating I decided that it was best that I not sleep with him so quickly, (especially since I found out that his mum saw a picture of me and said, “She’s pretty but better not get excited, you’ll have another one next week…”)

Anyway, he texted me after our date saying he had a lovely time, I’m lovely, he feels comfortable, happy, etc. etc.  A really nice message… Then Sunday he says he will shout me – doesn’t. Wednesday I check in and he says again he will shout me – doesn’t… Now it’s Monday and I’ve just kind of decided that I’ll delete his number as he’s clearly not interested.

Now, I’m wondering if he just wanted to sleep with me but just wasn’t being that straightforward.  A lot of my friends say they would be pissed spending that much money and not getting anywhere, but that is not what I value… Ergh! Dating is hard!

What do you think?

-The Michelin Star Date

 


Dear “Michelin Star Date,”

Ahhhh, sweetie…  In a world where there are many wolves out there just trying to get in your pants, consider any five star meals that come with the chase a perk for all the trouble, lol…

But let’s not be so quick to judge.

Maybe this guy did have some sort of juvenile three-date-rule expectation and was hoping that a fancy dinner would seal the deal.  Or maybe he was just taking you where he likes to eat and paying the prices that come with the “finer things in life…” Or maybe he’s caught up in some sort of “Brewster’s Millions” scenario where he has to spend thirty million dollars in thirty days in order to inherit three hundred million dollars and can’t tell anyone about it… Or maybe it’s all three.

At the end of the day, trying to figure out what made a person move on in the dating game is bound to do only two things: Drive you nuts, and exacerbate insecurities. 

Since the early stages of dating give people a right to change their mind and move on with no questions asked, all you can do during the getting-to-know-each-other phase is make sure that everything you’re doing feels right in light of that fact.

Yeah, it sucks to fall for the charms of someone who ends up being on a different page than you.  But the key to moving from person to person without, (as Winston Churchill would put it), “a loss of enthusiasm” is to focus solely on the harmonious qualities you come across in each guy until everything comes together and leads you to YOUR guy, who will also possess the final, very important quality that all the other guys lacked: staying power.

So keep protecting your heart and having your back during the journey, “Michelin Star Date.”  Remembering the Alan Cohen mantra I shared in The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!” And if you happen to come across a charmer who only has sex on the brain, well, just know that the “sex motive” in dating can be a great ally in figuring out who is truly into you sooner than later.  Just don’t forget to thank him for the bubbles and excellent steak on your way out ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

Should I move on, or try and message him again?

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Dear Megan,

Hoping you have some good advice for me.  About a month ago I met a guy on a trip and we had a super-strong connection.  Three days after meeting he even said he loved me, and we starting talking about ways for him to move closer to me.

Here’s the problem.  On our trip we talked every day, but when I returned home two weeks ago I texted him and he just said he was really tired from work, (he’s a doctor), and would text me tomorrow.  I haven’t heard from him yet, but he did like a photo I posted on Instagram last week.

Should I try messaging him again?  I can’t get him out of my mind!!! He was perfect.  I would really like to go back and visit him to rekindle what we had.  What do you think I should do?

-Dazed and Confused

 


Dear “Dazed and Confused,”

Ahh…  Is there anything more romantic than falling in love on vacation?… Well, maybe a returned text, right? Lol…  In the age of ghosting I see this question a lot, but since everyone’s particular situation is different, (or at least feels that way), I’m happy to address the whole “should I keep trying” issue…  Again 😉

One of my favorite teachers once said, Struggle to get, struggle to keep, and I offer that as a reminder to anyone embarking on a new relationship that’s starting off rocky.  For the most part, if you want a relationship where both people are on the same page, coming together should be harmonious and mutually satisfying, with “issues” arising later when the relationship eventually asks one or both parties to step outside of their comfort zone and grow.  If you want one full of confusion and miscommunication, well, starting off with cat and mouse games should do the trick.

So it depends on what you want.  A lot of times we get so used to feeling bad that we put up with unnecessary drama, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

However, since you’re talking to me, I assume you already know that.  You’ve first learned to care about how you feel, and therefore want a relationship that feels good.  So in my usual direct fashion, here are my two cents:

When the ball is in a romantic interest’s court to contact you, and they don’t, it means that they’re (1) just not that into you, (2) unreliable, and (3) in cases where they previously expressed a lot of interest, confused about what they want.

And why would you not only match up with, but pursue someone who’s shown you that they’re just not that into you, unreliable, and confused about what they want?  (Oy.  Brace yourself for a not-so-easy-to-hear truth, my friend.)  Because they’re mirroring back to you how you feel about yourself.  In at least some way you’re (1) just not that into you, (2) unreliable when it comes to consistently putting your feelings first, and (3) confused about what you deserve. 

So what should you do?  

Work on raising your self-esteem, (at least a teeny weeny bit), so that you’re attracted to people who are just that into you, reliable, and clear on what they want because you’re clear on what you deserve.

Now, there will always be people who shower all sorts of love and attention on others then ghost, and there’s nothing wrong with having met and liked someone who’s done that.  Heck, you may even have, or will have, done that at one time or another.  However, if you want to be in a good relationship, one that’s not full of “struggle to keep,” you’ll have to give yourself enough time to get to know whether or not the other person you like is not only up for, but capable of, sustaining a loving relationship – and that discipline to wait-and-see before going all-in requires a certain amount of self-esteem.

Alright, now, cultivating the self-esteem you need to get the relationship of your dreams is a three-step process.  And step one, lucky you, will happen on its own.  In step one you simply “burn out” of the emotionally unavailable, inconsistent “bad boys,” (or “bad girls”), you’ve been dating.

Here you’ll just continue to date people who ultimately don’t really treat you all that great until you get fed up with it and flat out no longer like or pursue them.  Sounds horrible, I know.  But don’t worry, there’s actually some fun to be had in this step as there will be moments you’re insanely goo-goo ga-ga over a wolf.

So go ahead and text that person you just can’t get out of your head.  Get all excited when they finally drop you a crumb of a text days after you contacted them, or like a pic on your social media page.  Get confused and heartbroken as many times as it takes for you to no longer be able to stomach people who don’t treat you the way you deserve.  Eventually you’ll tire of it and be ready to move on to something more consistent and better.

Introduce step two.  Step two is where you step into action.  Here you’ll create strong boundaries and standards for yourself that dictate what you will entertain and what you absolutely won’t.  Last minute booty calls?  No, thanks.  Asking you out on a proper date, showing up on time, and consistently expressing a real interest in getting to know you?  Yes, please.

Now – side note – how do you know you deserve all this “better” treatment?  Well, because it’ll feel better than shitty treatment.  And despite what other people in your life might have conditioned you to believe, what you feel deep down is ultimately your truth.

Alright, back to the steps.  In step two you also allow yourself to be vulnerable with those who do meet your standards.  After all, with the emotionally available people you were linking up with in the past there were walls up that prevented you from ever really having to “go there.”  But to be a match to real love, you’ll have to open yourself up to real hurt.  So when you do meet someone who shows you that they can be trusted to support you in all your glorious vulnerability, you do just that – become vulnerable.

And, finally, step three is where you trust your instincts.  Your boundaries and standards aren’t there to get you to be with someone you think you should be with just because they aren’t a douche, or something basic like that.  They’re there to remind you to trust your instincts, which always wanted you to be with someone who treated you well.

Being with someone you both like and who meets your standards will feel good.  Someone who doesn’t will quickly feel bad, which is your signal to listen to your gut and jump ship.  After all, relationships aren’t just about learning how to live happily ever after with someone else, they’re about learning how to live happily ever after with you.

With relationships you get a mirror for how you feel about yourself and how you love yourself.  And if you don’t like what you see reflecting back at you, (i.e. what you’re getting back from others), keep reimagining yourself until you do. 

So, don’t chase. Wait.

Wait for you to consistently adore yourself so much that you can’t help but attract others who do the same.  And when you do meet the person who is perfect for you, like I said in “The Care and Feeding in Sex Symbols,” you’ll receive a “Hell Yes!” to proceed in mind, body, and spirit.  Anything other than that, (aka doubts), are for the blogs.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.