My boyfriend cheated, and I need help convincing him that we should stay together… Help!

 

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“And I need help convincing him that we should stay together…”

Dear Megan,

So, the worst has happened…  My boyfriend cheated on me… But I want to stay together. 

How do I go about convincing him that his cheating could be an alarm wake-up call that we can both get past when he is not convinced that he’ll be able to.

Thanks,

-Mrs. Fix It

 


 

Dear “Mrs. Fix It,”

Man, there’s a lot of cheating boyfriends out there who would love you!…  Lol.  Just kidding.  After all, this is a no-judgement zone.  And since, for whatever reason, you’ve dug your heels into this man and decided that he is your wolf – (cheating be damned!) – I’m happy to provide you with whatever assistance I can.

To begin with, in order to convince anyone of anything, you must first become convinced of that thing yourself.

And in order for you to be convinced that this is something you two can get past, I suggest you first focus on what you really want out of ANY romantic relationship.  And by that, I mean to sit down and get clear on how you want the relationship to feel.  Write it down and see if your boyfriend has consistently exhibited behavior that supports those feelings.

If he hasn’t, well then, it’s probably time to cut him loose.  (Especially since you two aren’t married and bound by vows to try and work through any and all foolishness.)

If he has, however, it’s time to recognize that while you may be able to look past this infidelity, you have just come across a big, important desire that you haven’t had to acknowledge until now.  And that is that you want someone who’s not only determined to work through potentially devastating issues in a relationship, but someone who’s determined to work through them with you.  (As reflected in your question.)

So, in this case, the key to convincing your boyfriend that his cheating is something you two can get past is actually – believe it or not – convincing yourself that he’s someone you can get past all this with.

Now, to do that you first have to find out his fight or flight response during tough times, as you’ll need a fighter.  And that, my dear, is in a man’s DNA.  There’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Signs that he’s a fighter who’s determined to work through this potentially devastating incident include him doing things like expressing a desire to go to counseling, and investigating the causes of his behavior in order to make adjustments.  If he does stuff like that, you’ve got a fighter on your hands and you can move on to the next step.  If not, again, you’re probably better off letting the relationship go as there’s no way to get to a happy, infidelity-free relationship, – (one where you’re not carrying all the weight), – without that “fighter” personality trait.

The next thing you’ll have to do to convince yourself that he’s someone you can make it to the other side of this infidelity with is find out if he’s determined to fight for you and your relationship. 

Signs that he wants to work with you for the continuation of your relationship include expressing a relentless desire to be with you; acknowledging your pain, and doing whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to regain your trust; (as well as supporting you in any changes you make to strengthen the relationship).

Once his actions on both regards convince you that he really is “that guy,” your faith in the potential healing of the relationship will be contagious.

You can share articles like “How to Create a Cheat-Proof Relationship” with him for inspiration on you guys’ journey towards healing; but, more than likely, whatever issues you two had that led to this infidelity will be best worked through with the help of a professional.

IF, however, you become convinced that he’s not “The One,” well, as I said in this article on cheating, you can rest assured that when God created whatever wonderful qualities you’ve grown to adore in your boyfriend, guess what? He didn’t stop at him.  There are plenty of guys out that there with similar amazing qualities who won’t cheat on you.

And, finally, remember that while commitments like marriage ask us to work through these “unspeakable acts,” dating gives you the opportunity to “see what you’re gettin’ wit’ before you get wit’ it.” (I stole that line from a Jerry Springer hillbilly, he he.)  So, since this is the time where you both are free to see if the other person is the right fit for you, I encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing, and use it wisely ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

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Happy Holidays, Sex Symbols

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Me, 2018 Birthday Celebration

Well, sexy ladies and gentle-wolves, the holiday season is upon us.

And when considering a gift for you all I thought, “What expression of love – more than anything else – do I think sex symbols crave?” The answer: INTIMACY…  Or “In-to-me-see,” as the spiritual gurus pronounce it.

So, instead of answering a question, I’ve decided to share with you all an unedited – (sorry) – excerpt from this morning’s entry in my journal. And I pray to GAWD I don’t regret it, lol…

This is the most personal thing I could ever share with anyone, and therefore my holiday present to you all, (as Lord knows I may get too busy to answer another question before the year is up.)

So “In-To-Me-See…”  And feel free to send me any of your journal entries.  I promise I won’t read them aloud to a group of strangers for shits and giggles.

Journal entry excerpt – November 8, 2018:

“If a person loves movies, and was groomed to write them, but instead went off and spent their life writing love letters are they wrong?… I am on a journey to know myself, and accept and love myself. To cheer on myself. And each moment I do so I win.

Not in any other moment. Not in any “achievement.” But in the moments I see myself, and allow myself to be how-ever, and who-ever I am.

Not blaming my identity on a past trauma, but seeing the beauty of my uniqueness.

It is my only job.

My only calling.

My life’s work…

To dance. To play. To support myself in both my goals and the moments where I lose my footing. To laugh it off and get up.

To rest when needed. To shelter others who are lost.

To allow love and support from whoever is strong enough to give it.

To participate in the balance of life. Leaving all judgment behind. And just being me…”

Happy holidays.  And take care of yourself, sex symbols.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Help! I love people way too deeply!

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When you feel like you’re giving way more than you’re getting back

Dear Megan,

Confession: I’m one of those people who loves and cares for others way too much.

I could never just let go of someone. I’ve always stayed until it hurts me, and then stayed even longer. I even feel sorry for ***holes because I believe everyone has something amazing.

I stay in relationships and just keep giving it everything I got. Is that not enough? Let me give you my kidney, too. Do you want my soul? No problem! I just don’t know how, why, or when to stop.

Unlike many who have this problem – (most of them seem to be females) – I am a male who has emotions that go deeper than the Mariana Trench.

It scares people because they don’t know about it at all. Some people seem to understand me a little bit, only after I try to explain in 1,001 different ways just how my emotions don’t have an on/off button.

How do you live with the people who just don’t get it, or the ones who take advantage of it?  And do you feel the same? How do you deal with all this in your life? What obstacles do you come across in life?

-Mr. Lover Teresa

 


Dear “Mr. Lover Teresa,”

First of all, why are you all in my business, lol…  Didn’t I spill enough “tea” in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” when it comes to my issues?  Hahaha.  How about we just focus on you and your problem, (which – alright, you pulled my arm – yeeessss, I’ve related to in the past), and get right down to it, shall we.

First of all, I want to say that it’s great that you’re going into a relationship focused on what you can give.  Too many people are focused on what they can get, and all that leads to is a bunch of horse trading and taking score.

However, when it comes to love, well, I’ve got some news for you: If you think you’re giving love to someone else and it’s hurting, guess what, it’s not love.  It’s something else.

You see, love is not like anything else.  It’s a magical, connecting, powerful, good-feeling, healing force that just exists in nature.  All anyone can really do with love is feel it and allow it to flow through them, (which feels good as hell), or resist/block it, (which sucks major balls).

Now, when you allow love to flow through you while simultaneously holding another as your object of attention it seems like you’re the one giving them love, but in reality they’re either just choosing to let love in at that moment or not.  You can influence someone to make the choice to let love flow through them at any given moment, but ultimately it’s their choice and – clutch your man pearls – has less to do with you than what romantic films like “The Notebook” and “The Titanic” want you to believe.

So, what else might you be giving “until it hurts” if it’s not love?  Why, a reason to stay, of course.  After all, “Who else is gonna love the poor bastard like you do?!?” 

“Giving” in this sort of self-sacrificial way is something born out of fear, not love.  Or, more accurately, a deep down fear that you’re not worthy of love and have to bend over backwards to deserve and get it….  You know, low self-esteem type stuff developed in childhood that causes us to put others’ desires and approval ahead of how we feel.

Alright, now, take a second to breathe.  I know I hit you with a lot, but, don’t worry, I’m about to show you the light I found at the end of the tunnel.

Getting out of this frustrating “I love you so much it hurts” cycle requires you to do three things:

First, you have to focus on improving your self-esteem so you that you know you’re worthy of the love that’s available to you day-in-and-day-out and don’t have to kill yourself trying to get it from others.  I give some tips on how to do that when answering this question, but my book goes deeper into how I did it.  And if you’re too lazy to read, I highly recommend checking out this video with Marisa Peer.  She’s all about raising self-esteem, and can teach how to do it with the simple phrase, “I am enough.”

Then, once you’ve gotten your self-esteem up, you’re going to make sure that when it comes to love YOU EAT FIRST.  Focus on keeping your spiritual “cup” full so that all you “give” to others is what spills over.  The overflow.  When you’re full of the love that is your birthright you feel good, and any positive affect you may have on another as a result is just a bonus, not your reason for living.

Stressing out over the love you’re “giving” from now on will simply be your sign that you’ve disconnected from your true source of love and have reverted to casting another in the role of your cup-filler.  So, step back and take the time to reconnect to your cup-filler’s true source by doing the things you learned that raise your self-esteem until it’s second nature.

Finally, once you’ve started to get a hang of all this, become okay with the fact that sometimes you’ll be in a more loving place than others.  The same way a millionaire would be cray cray for begrudging a deep-in-debt partner for not going half-sies on a yacht, don’t expect others to be able to “give” love they don’t have/aren’t allowing in at any given moment.

And since, like a low-rent masseuse in Montreal, I’m known for my happy endings, I’ll end by giving you the good news.  Doing all this work does not mean that you have to end up with some unappreciative, depressing a**hole.  For just as self-made people eventually disconnect from any and all mooching friends and go on to bond with those they can just sit back and enjoy their newfound prosperity with, people who become “rich in love” also get tired of hanging around those who aren’t on their wavelength and eventually find each other.  And once you find your loving tribe you’ll never look back.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Was he just trying to have sex with me???

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When he’s got you thinking about going Dutch…

Dear Megan,

So I recently met this guy, and over a period of ten days we: went for a quick drink, (which was nice and we ended up kissing), went out again for dinner the next day, (nice again, chatty, and, again, we kissed), and, finally, we went on a really expensive dinner date, like £400, that he treated me to. He was really chivalrous, picked me up in a cab, and was really sweet.

I ended up staying at his place that night as we had such a good time – it was 100% not planned. I just ended up there after our cab ride home.  However, given my history with dating I decided that it was best that I not sleep with him so quickly, (especially since I found out that his mum saw a picture of me and said, “She’s pretty but better not get excited, you’ll have another one next week…”)

Anyway, he texted me after our date saying he had a lovely time, I’m lovely, he feels comfortable, happy, etc. etc.  A really nice message… Then Sunday he says he will shout me – doesn’t. Wednesday I check in and he says again he will shout me – doesn’t… Now it’s Monday and I’ve just kind of decided that I’ll delete his number as he’s clearly not interested.

Now, I’m wondering if he just wanted to sleep with me but just wasn’t being that straightforward.  A lot of my friends say they would be pissed spending that much money and not getting anywhere, but that is not what I value… Ergh! Dating is hard!

What do you think?

-The Michelin Star Date

 


Dear “Michelin Star Date,”

Ahhhh, sweetie…  In a world where there are many wolves out there just trying to get in your pants, consider any five star meals that come with the chase a perk for all the trouble, lol…

But let’s not be so quick to judge.

Maybe this guy did have some sort of juvenile three-date-rule expectation and was hoping that a fancy dinner would seal the deal.  Or maybe he was just taking you where he likes to eat and paying the prices that come with the “finer things in life…” Or maybe he’s caught up in some sort of “Brewster’s Millions” scenario where he has to spend thirty million dollars in thirty days in order to inherit three hundred million dollars and can’t tell anyone about it… Or maybe it’s all three.

At the end of the day, trying to figure out what made a person move on in the dating game is bound to do only two things: Drive you nuts, and exacerbate insecurities. 

Since the early stages of dating give people a right to change their mind and move on with no questions asked, all you can do during the getting-to-know-each-other phase is make sure that everything you’re doing feels right in light of that fact.

Yeah, it sucks to fall for the charms of someone who ends up being on a different page than you.  But the key to moving from person to person without, (as Winston Churchill would put it), “a loss of enthusiasm” is to focus solely on the harmonious qualities you come across in each guy until everything comes together and leads you to YOUR guy, who will also possess the final, very important quality that all the other guys lacked: staying power.

So keep protecting your heart and having your back during the journey, “Michelin Star Date.”  Remembering the Alan Cohen mantra I shared in The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!” And if you happen to come across a charmer who only has sex on the brain, well, just know that the “sex motive” in dating can be a great ally in figuring out who is truly into you sooner than later.  Just don’t forget to thank him for the bubbles and excellent steak on your way out ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

Should I move on, or try and message him again?

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Dear Megan,

Hoping you have some good advice for me.  About a month ago I met a guy on a trip and we had a super-strong connection.  Three days after meeting he even said he loved me, and we starting talking about ways for him to move closer to me.

Here’s the problem.  On our trip we talked every day, but when I returned home two weeks ago I texted him and he just said he was really tired from work, (he’s a doctor), and would text me tomorrow.  I haven’t heard from him yet, but he did like a photo I posted on Instagram last week.

Should I try messaging him again?  I can’t get him out of my mind!!! He was perfect.  I would really like to go back and visit him to rekindle what we had.  What do you think I should do?

-Dazed and Confused

 


Dear “Dazed and Confused,”

Ahh…  Is there anything more romantic than falling in love on vacation?… Well, maybe a returned text, right? Lol…  In the age of ghosting I see this question a lot, but since everyone’s particular situation is different, (or at least feels that way), I’m happy to address the whole “should I keep trying” issue…  Again 😉

One of my favorite teachers once said, Struggle to get, struggle to keep, and I offer that as a reminder to anyone embarking on a new relationship that’s starting off rocky.  For the most part, if you want a relationship where both people are on the same page, coming together should be harmonious and mutually satisfying, with “issues” arising later when the relationship eventually asks one or both parties to step outside of their comfort zone and grow.  If you want one full of confusion and miscommunication, well, starting off with cat and mouse games should do the trick.

So it depends on what you want.  A lot of times we get so used to feeling bad that we put up with unnecessary drama, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

However, since you’re talking to me, I assume you already know that.  You’ve first learned to care about how you feel, and therefore want a relationship that feels good.  So in my usual direct fashion, here are my two cents:

When the ball is in a romantic interest’s court to contact you, and they don’t, it means that they’re (1) just not that into you, (2) unreliable, and (3) in cases where they previously expressed a lot of interest, confused about what they want.

And why would you not only match up with, but pursue someone who’s shown you that they’re just not that into you, unreliable, and confused about what they want?  (Oy.  Brace yourself for a not-so-easy-to-hear truth, my friend.)  Because they’re mirroring back to you how you feel about yourself.  In at least some way you’re (1) just not that into you, (2) unreliable when it comes to consistently putting your feelings first, and (3) confused about what you deserve. 

So what should you do?  

Work on raising your self-esteem, (at least a teeny weeny bit), so that you’re attracted to people who are just that into you, reliable, and clear on what they want because you’re clear on what you deserve.

Now, there will always be people who shower all sorts of love and attention on others then ghost, and there’s nothing wrong with having met and liked someone who’s done that.  Heck, you may even have, or will have, done that at one time or another.  However, if you want to be in a good relationship, one that’s not full of “struggle to keep,” you’ll have to give yourself enough time to get to know whether or not the other person you like is not only up for, but capable of, sustaining a loving relationship – and that discipline to wait-and-see before going all-in requires a certain amount of self-esteem.

Alright, now, cultivating the self-esteem you need to get the relationship of your dreams is a three-step process.  And step one, lucky you, will happen on its own.  In step one you simply “burn out” of the emotionally unavailable, inconsistent “bad boys,” (or “bad girls”), you’ve been dating.

Here you’ll just continue to date people who ultimately don’t really treat you all that great until you get fed up with it and flat out no longer like or pursue them.  Sounds horrible, I know.  But don’t worry, there’s actually some fun to be had in this step as there will be moments you’re insanely goo-goo ga-ga over a wolf.

So go ahead and text that person you just can’t get out of your head.  Get all excited when they finally drop you a crumb of a text days after you contacted them, or like a pic on your social media page.  Get confused and heartbroken as many times as it takes for you to no longer be able to stomach people who don’t treat you the way you deserve.  Eventually you’ll tire of it and be ready to move on to something more consistent and better.

Introduce step two.  Step two is where you step into action.  Here you’ll create strong boundaries and standards for yourself that dictate what you will entertain and what you absolutely won’t.  Last minute booty calls?  No, thanks.  Asking you out on a proper date, showing up on time, and consistently expressing a real interest in getting to know you?  Yes, please.

Now – side note – how do you know you deserve all this “better” treatment?  Well, because it’ll feel better than shitty treatment.  And despite what other people in your life might have conditioned you to believe, what you feel deep down is ultimately your truth.

Alright, back to the steps.  In step two you also allow yourself to be vulnerable with those who do meet your standards.  After all, with the emotionally available people you were linking up with in the past there were walls up that prevented you from ever really having to “go there.”  But to be a match to real love, you’ll have to open yourself up to real hurt.  So when you do meet someone who shows you that they can be trusted to support you in all your glorious vulnerability, you do just that – become vulnerable.

And, finally, step three is where you trust your instincts.  Your boundaries and standards aren’t there to get you to be with someone you think you should be with just because they aren’t a douche, or something basic like that.  They’re there to remind you to trust your instincts, which always wanted you to be with someone who treated you well.

Being with someone you both like and who meets your standards will feel good.  Someone who doesn’t will quickly feel bad, which is your signal to listen to your gut and jump ship.  After all, relationships aren’t just about learning how to live happily ever after with someone else, they’re about learning how to live happily ever after with you.

With relationships you get a mirror for how you feel about yourself and how you love yourself.  And if you don’t like what you see reflecting back at you, (i.e. what you’re getting back from others), keep reimagining yourself until you do. 

So, don’t chase. Wait.

Wait for you to consistently adore yourself so much that you can’t help but attract others who do the same.  And when you do meet the person who is perfect for you, like I said in “The Care and Feeding in Sex Symbols,” you’ll receive a “Hell Yes!” to proceed in mind, body, and spirit.  Anything other than that, (aka doubts), are for the blogs.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

How do I politely back out of a first date?

 

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If the date you agreed to makes you feel like this, it’s time to pass.

Dear Megan,

I’m hoping you can help me with some advice on how to politely back out of meeting someone in person.

I had been talking to this guy through online dating for a couple of weeks. As we’d been talking, I picked up on some minor red flags, but generally, he was pleasant to talk with, so I tried to disregard them. However, during our last couple of messages, I’ve gotten an increasingly unsettled feeling, even though there’s no one specific thing I can point to as the cause. It’s just a vibe, I guess.

In a recent message, he asked if I’d like to meet in person, and I said sure, but I told him I had a few more questions first. I asked my questions. He dodged one of them, and I don’t know… I just feel like my gut is telling me not to meet this guy. But I also feel like I’ve already agreed to meet him, so I don’t know how to politely back out. I know pretty much any reason I give will seem lame or insincere. And yet the idea of meeting him is stressing me out.  Please help!

-The Anti-Casper

 


Dear “The Anti-Casper,”

Ugh, I totally feel your pain.  And in the spirit of a Tony Robbins seminar can I just say, “If anyone else has ever been in her shoes say ‘Aye!’”  Lol…  Dating can be plagued with doubt, and sometimes, before you know it, you find yourself in over your head.  But kudos to you for not ghosting, (which is why I call you “The Anti-Casper”).  Many would have, so mad props to you for not wanting to leave this guy hanging, especially after a couple weeks of communication.

Now, while it’s no secret that I expound on the “If it’s not a ‘Hell yes!’ it’s a ‘Hell no!’” philosophy in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” there are times when you should proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on.  Sometimes you’re just so out of practice in following your gut that you confuse the uncomfortable feeling associated with breaking out of your comfort zone with a “Hell no!” and delay your opportunity to meet someone you actually might be compatible with.

But, rest assured, this is not one of those cases.

You should proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on when going on it still feels right.  

And by “right” I’m not referring to the relief associated with appeasing a false sense of obligation – because all you owe yourself and anyone else is your authenticity.  I’m referring to the peaceful feeling you get when you allow yourself to get still long enough to listen to your gut and it consistently tells you in a still, quiet voice to “go ‘head.”  Even in the face of hesitation, there should still be a lightness around the meeting, an easy-going hint of curiosity surrounding the wolf that feels harmless.

You shouldn’t proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on when you feel, well, everything you described. Like, “stressed out.”

Regardless of your inability to point out exactly what makes meeting him feel uneasy, when dread, frustration, sadness, etc, consume you to the point where you want to fake your own death, abandon your bra, and go live amongst a pygmy tribe in Africa every time you think about the date, it’s time to shoot him one of these:

“Hey __,

Thanks for taking the time to get to know me better over the last couple of weeks.  I really appreciate it.  However, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re not a match, so I’m going to have to cancel our upcoming date.  Sorry for the inconvenience, and I wish you the best of luck.  xoxo!”

(Well, you can omit the XOXOs if you want, that’s just my style, lol.)

Remember, your feelings are there to guide you in a sort of “colder-warmer-hotter” game to all of your heart’s desires.  And any feeling of strong negative emotion is your signal that this is definitely not the right direction for you. So listen.  And keep learning to trust your gut.  The more you do it the better you’ll get at it, and before you know it a “Hell yes!” will be knocking on your door.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

What’s the point of a relationship?

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Dear Megan,

So please answer this. We want to be in a relationship with someone we can depend on, but we aren’t supposed to depend on others emotionally.  So what’s the point of even being with anyone? Seems like a catch 22.

-Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Needy

 


Dear “Needy” lol,

Hey, great question!  Thanks for writing! The answer is: sex.  Thanks, again!

Lol, just kidding…  Well, not really.  But I’m assuming you want a westernized, post-romantic era answer, so that, my friend, is what you will get ;)… (Oh, and since we’re dealing with romantic relationships here, I won’t go into those of the family/friend/co-worker/etc. variety, but I’m sure some of this stuff will still apply to them, too).

To begin with, let me just say that there was a time when I related to your confusion/frustration over relationships.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I even share the moment where I (metaphorically) shook my fist up at the sky and cursed the heavens for my seemingly unshakable desire for unconditional love with a rock-solid companion that seemed to prefer playing hide-and-seek with me.  So, yeah, you’ve definitely come to the right place.

And to answer your question, “What is the point of a relationship?” well, the answer is pretty much two-fold.  We enter relationships: (1) to enhance what we already have, and (2) to grow. 

Lemme explain. 

Dependability is a wonderful, feel-goody quality – (and since you’ve undoubtedly experienced what a lack of it in another feels like I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sell you on that trait) – hence why we desire it so much in a mate.  However, we were never meant to become dependent on others for anything we can give ourselves.

People are fickle.  And I say that not in a bitter “trust no one” tone, but in a “people got their own sh*t going on and therefore can’t be stable enough to meet your needs consistently” one.   Fortunately, we were all born with the ability to tap into whatever emotional reserves we need to buoy ourselves up at any given time, so we don’t need to depend on another for (emotional) oxygen when we have our own supply. (And while it might take some of us a while to find our own supply, trust me, it’s there.)

Does that make relationships useless?  Not really.

While I admit that relationships aren’t necessary for a happy and fulfilling life – (recall that I believe that nothing outside of yourself can make you happy) – nor do you need relationships for getting through tough times, observing and interacting with others in a harmonious and loving way just flat-out feels good.  And since loving and supporting yourself feels good, and others doing it to/with you feels good, you end up with an orgy of feel-goods!  Or, more academically speaking, we invite relationships into our life to compound good feelings. We just love the cherry-on-top fun, love, and support they can bring.

Less enthusiastically, we also get into relationships as a vehicle for growthWhen we open ourselves up emotionally to another, they’re then able to trigger things deep down inside of us that we subconsciously want to heal or change for further expansion/growth.  That’s why a “soulmate” can bring you both great joy, and great misery.  Facing stuff inside of you that you don’t like and want to change can range from feeling slightly uncomfortable to downright painful.  Nonetheless, that person’s ability to “get to you” is why you entered into a relationship with them.  Whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not.  (Sorry, lol.)

So, there you have it, “Needy.”  The point of a relationship is to magnify whatever you got goin’ on at the time.  Whether you want to compound the awesomeness you’re experiencing, the support you need, and/or just become aware of something undesirable inside of you, “there’s a significant other for that.”

Just make sure that your “want” for a relationship doesn’t turn into a “need” if you want to reap the full benefits of all the wonderful stuff relationships have to offer. Otherwise you’ll keep finding yourself stuck in Oz, when, like Dorothy, you have the power to get yourself home all along.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.