I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, and we’re planning to get married in a year.
Throughout this relationship, things have been great. He has been really nice, caring and accommodating towards me. He doesn’t look at other women in front of me, we have a great sex life, and he always lets me know his whereabouts.
Things turned downhill, however, when I checked his messages on our 2-year anniversary trip. In them I found a message inquiring about services with an escort. I confronted him immediately and he told me he was not aware of that message, and that his friend had sent it using his phone.
I couldn’t find any reason for him to look for a prostitute, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I let it slide.
A month later I used another number and pretended to be from an escort agency to test him, and he actually replied asking for more details. Then he quit replying.
I eventually confronted him about his replies, and he got mad at me for using such ways to test him. Yes, I do agree that it was unethical to test him in that way, but I just wanted to know the truth.
He then admitted that those messages were sent by him, but he said that he has never cheated on me. He even asked me to call those numbers to see if he engaged any of the girls. He told me it’s to show his colleagues – (his colleagues do visit prostitutes) – about the girls and services. He explained that he lied to me because I wouldn’t have believed him if he told me the truth.
Just yesterday I looked through his messages, and there was a message from an unknown number replying “Ok :)” in the middle of the night. I looked the number up online only to find out that it’s from a prostitute. The next day when I looked through the messages after he was awake it was deleted.
I really want to know what’s that “Ok :)” was supposed to mean. I really need some help. On one hand, he acted so normal, planning for our future, yet messages like these keep appearing. What should I do?
Dear “Confused AF,”
Remember that sitcom episode where the parents find drugs in their son’s backpack and he says that they’re not his, they’re his friend’s?… Well… #Same. Lol…
Girl. What a sucky situation… Your boyfriend has literally dragged you into an unfun version of the game “two truths and a lie.” Here, he tells you some things that are true, some things that are false, and leaves it up to you to decipher what’s bullshit and what isn’t. Oy-the f*ckin-vey. Lol.
There’s good news, however. And that’s that YOU DON’T HAVE TO PLAY HIS SILLY GAME AT ALL.
I can get bogged down in the not-as-important-as-they-seem details with you, but the truth of the matter is that, when it comes to your situation, all you have to do is decide what type of relationship you want, and whether or not you believe that this relationship can satisfy those desires.
Since you say you desire the truth, (hence your Catfish-like tactics and snooping, haha), and your boyfriend admittedly lies to you, (causing you much distress), you’ve obviously lost faith in your ability to have the relationship of your dreams.
But remember, just as you once wanted someone who had a lot of the traits you admire in your current boyfriend, and allowed that person to manifest in your life, you can reclaim your creative power and manifest a relationship – with, or without him – that incorporates your new desires based on your new life experiences.
To do that you need to focus solely on what you now want, not on what you’re getting, because focusing on what you’re getting will only get you more of the same.
Energy flows where your attention goes.
So, shut out all outside noise. Get still and listen to your inner voice. Journal. And reconnect with how you want your relationship to feel, not what you want your boyfriend to do, because once you reconnect emotionally to the vision of your dream relationship your instructions action-wise will flow from there.
(Insert after-school special speech here: And if you continue to stay in a potentially non-monogamous relationship while you sort things out, I recommend that you “wrap it up.” Non-self-protection in such cases is akin to self-mutilation. So, continue to take care of yourself, which includes not letting a temporary problem become a permanent one.)
And finally, near to the end of your question you say that on your way to the alter “messages like these keep appearing.” So please do stop and listen to those “messages.” They only keep reappearing because you are loved, and “Life” has something to tell you.
Best of luck.
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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.