Here’s something special for you from MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL!… Are you dating, or in a relationship, but worried your abusive background is getting in the way? Confused on how to have a good relationship when you have trauma from past domestic violence? Well, in this video one of my favorite teachers, Iyanla Vanzant, talks with Elizabeth Gilbert on how to break your family pathology of abuse and get past your issues with men.
Enjoy! And don’t forget to subscribe for more support!
For more on this topic check out Iyanla Vanzant’s book, “Peace from Broken Pieces,” as well as the full interview on Elizabeth Gilbert’s YouTube Channel.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
How do you know if someone is “The One?” This one guy I know keeps coming back from time to time, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I hear old songs and am reminded of him, and after every breakup with other guys I go back to thinking of him.
Are there signs if someone is the person you’re meant to be with forever? Like, will his name just keep coming up? Or maybe your family and their family get along? Or is all that just a coincidence.
As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; and by the sound of it, you’ve been exposed to enough purely seasonal and “reasonal” people that you’re ready for your “lifetime” person already, lol… Your “soulmate…” “The One…” But you’re confused. How are you supposed to know who this mysterious bastard is when you come across him so that you don’t eff things up! Well, good question. I’ll tell you on my deathbed after I’ve lived a lifetime and have had concrete proof. Haha, j/k. Let’s get into it.
To begin with, I first want to clarify that there’s not only nothing wrong with the “reason and season” people who temporarily come into your life to offer you life lessons, but they’re just as essential in helping you grow into the person you want to be as the Lifetime person. Consequently, all three types of people are “The One” for you, some are just it for a shorter time.
But I get it, many of us want “The One” one. Someone we can grow with AND grow old with. That person who knows and loves us so deeply over decades of time that we not only don’t have to keep explaining ourselves to new people, but we end up belonging to a beautiful relationship that can’t help but create an atmosphere for unconditional love to thrive.
Gives me “lady wood” just thinking about it.
So, we meet people, get excited, and wonder, is this “The One” that I can spend the rest of my life with? Is this “The One” I can (and should) settle down with, have fun with, share my secrets with, grow with, heal with, and in some cases, (if you like to wait), sleep with?
Well, whether you end up getting this information from a pastor like Bishop TD Jakes who said, “What left me couldn’t stay, and what stayed couldn’t leave me,” or relationship expert, Tracy McMillan, who reminded us in her book, Why You’re Not Married… Yet, that if a man leaves he’s not your man, or even life experience, the simple truth is that the only way to know if someone is the one for you is… drumroll please… if they stay!
Anyone else who comes into your life was simply a reason or season person, but the person who stays is THE ONE. Like, THEE ONE.
Now, if you don’t like “The One,” or the relationship you have with this persistent S.O.B, you might want to become a new “one,” (aka person), so that you can attract a better match. You know, the whole to find a soulmate you must mate with your soul first principle. This means you need to take some time to get in touch with who really are, and what you really want deep down, so that you attract what’s harmonious with your deepest desires.
In that case you’ll want to sit down, go quiet, and get back in touch with how you want to FEEL in a relationship. Getting in touch with what feels good, (not what looks good), will cause you to exude different “good-feeling” energy and consequently act differently, which will cause you to attract different things.
If that person that you were involved with is still a match to what you really want deep down, you guys will be able to work through whatever differences you guys have and live to “fight another day.” If not, he’ll simply become another reason or season person, leaving you in a position to then attract a more harmonious AND peaceful relationship in your life.
So, for now, you can rest assured knowing that, in the end, time is the only thing that tells the truth, and “The One” will reveal himself to you in it. In the meantime, with whoever you find yourself attracted to, give it time. Get to know the person and let them know you. The real you. If they’re truly for you they’ll stick with you through both your pleasant sides and also your not-so-pleasant sides. And remember, you can’t F*ck things up with “The One.” That’s what makes them “The One.”Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Boy, have I got some BIG news for you!!… In case the featured YouTube “thumbnail” picture didn’t give it away, I’m expanding “Dear Megan” to include the new YouTube channel I’m starting! (But don’t worry, I’ll still be taking and answering questions here.)
In honor of this expansion, I’ve decided to make my first video all about tackling the often difficult and terrifying act of MOVING ON.
So, if you’ve been wanting to move on from something you’ve found extremely hard to let go of – like an unsatisfactory job or career, a bad romantic relationship, a flaky friend, or even a financially-generous-but-cock-blocking “older male friend” (he he) – I highly recommend you check out this video.
In it I discuss what to do after you’ve had enough of the place you’ve outgrown, how to deal with being outside of your comfort zone, and the secret to finding yourself in the place you ultimately want to be.
So, check out the video below. And if it helps you in any way, please make sure to LIKE/THUMBS UP the video, and hit the SUBSCRIBE button and notification bell to be notified of both “Dear Megan” and similar, but non-“Dear Megan” content.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Well, it’s that time of year again! And in the spirit of giving, this year I thought I’d help spread peace, wholeness, and joy to some of my fellow sex symbols by sharing what I’ve come to know as a MAJOR truth behind creating the beautiful life I told you all about at the end of “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”
Now, while I normally extend the term “sex symbol” to include anyone who gets sexually objectified, this bit of advice is particularly aimed at those whose livelihood is tied to their sex appeal, (especially when living in a culture that frowns upon such things…)
And I should also note that in order for this advice to be effective, one must already have made peace with any difficult and/or painful past that helped shape them, find any “sexy” work they do authentic to who they are, and have accepted the maxim that I’m always yammering on about: “nothing is more important than that I feel good.”
If you believe you are worthy of all the love, happiness, and joy that you want for any other person, (or animal), on this planet, then all this should be fairly easy to implement; if not, well, you’ll just continue to listen to outside voices that don’t take into account what you, as an individual, need to live your best life until you get tired of ‘em. No biggie. Lol.
So, without further ado, I present you with the truth that I speak of:
If you’re enjoying the benefits of a livelihood tied to a certain amount of sexual objectification, for you to have peace of mind, fulfillment, and to realize your full potential you’re going to have to let go of the following THREE things.
Let go of any religious ideology that tells you that there’s a God out there and He/She’s judging you. In my experience, “God” is pure Love. Judgment is a man-made thing. And you cannot serve two masters – (i.e. both man and Your Creator). God/Source/The Universe, (or whatever you want to call Your Creator), is Love and wants you to feel good – (remember, this is where that deep-seated belief of self-worth comes in!) – so anytime you’re feeling otherwise it’s because you’ve shifted your focus from Love to man-made fear/judgment. So, again, if you want to feel peace and joy, you have to accept that you are loved, in EVERY moment, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.
Let go of any social norms that try to convince you that there’s a right way to live your life and a wrong way to live your life. Social norms are created out of a desire to belong, and that desire to belong is created out of a desire to be loved. When you accept that you are already loved no matter what you do, you not only free yourself from the impulse to ignore your own needs and conform for acceptance, but you find out that it is actually your individuality that makes you so damn lovable. So… play on, playa, lol.
Let go of any childhood fantasies that perpetuate the myth that someone, (or something outside of you), is going to come, change your life, and make you happy. Sure, someone dressed as a prince, (or in some of our cases several princes, he-he), may show up and help make your life easier in one way or another, but when it comes to you feeling the sense of security you crave deep down only YOU can give yourself that. So while your sex appeal may help open doors for you, once inside of each new room you enter you’ll have to keep evolving to the point where it’s not only evident that you belong there but no one can shut you out. Doing things for yourself that give you a sense of security is a big part of realizing your full potential and experiencing fulfillment. So, when disappointed at the realization that a prince can turn into a frog at any given moment, pull yourself together, adjust your crown, put on some lipstick, and come up with a plan that’ll give you the life and stability you deserve.
So, what’s the bottom line to all of this letting go business? Accept yourself, your unique path, and whatever season you’re in. Workwith yourself. Make room for your own unique personality, needs, temperament, gifts, perceived “short-comings,” etc. when developing a plan to achieve your life’s dreams, knowing that you are loved every day. And don’t forget to have a happy holiday and, more importantly, and AMAZING New Year! Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
(Like the previous girl who wrote in), I too, was cheated on with escorts. I didn’t talk to him for a couple of months, but he never stopped texting, emailing, sending flowers, etc… When I saw him again he had lost, like, 30 pounds, and looked completely devastated.
In an effort to regain my trust, he gave me a clone phone, put cameras in his house, started going to meetings, therapists, church, he now wants to convert to my religious beliefs, (even though I never asked him to), and he even proposed.
I do believe he is truly remorseful for all the pain he caused, and I even started trusting him a little. Then I caught him LYING about porn and it all went down the toilet.
Am I just wasting my time here? Can people REALLY change that much?
Sincerely,
-Fool Me Once…
Dear “Fool Me Once…”
Goodness, me! What the heck are you doing over there to turn “sinners” into “saints” like THAT?! Lol… (Inquiring priests wanna know, haha…)
But in all seriousness, I love this question. It not only allows me to expound upon my last answer, but it gives me a chance to address the MAJOR mistake I see most people make when dating. So, let’s get to it.
Picking up where I left off last time, let’s say you’ve done the work. You got clear on how you want to feel in a relationship, stayed focused on your vision, and, as a result, you attracted a man who was compatible with that vision.
Now, the guy who seemingly was a match is “cutting up,” and instead of getting the man of your dreams you feel like all you’re getting are trust issues.
However! [*Index finger raised*] You remember that no one is perfect, and reflect back on what I shared with you in “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship.”
You also remember Harville Hendrix’ assertion within that article that “the best one can hope for, (in someone they have chemistry with), is to find someone who is aware of his or her problems and willing to do, with you, the hard work necessary to heal.” (Keeping the Love You Find, pg. 131)
BUT! [*You argue again*] there’s a BIG difference between someone’s willingnessand desire to change, and their capacity to change… And now that’s got you wondering if all of your boyfriend’s/fiancé’s efforts to show you that he truly is “your guy” are Real Deal Holyfield changes, of if you’re just wasting your time.
Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.
The “bad news” is that an individual’s capacity to change can only be revealed in time. The “good news” is that – (God-willing) – you’ve got time! (Knock on wood).
And this brings me to the MAJOR mistake I see most people make when dating: They make a commitment BEFORE they have a great relationship.
Happy and healthy relationships require time to (1) allow you to see what you’re consistently getting, (2) grow in trust, and (3) get to a place where you both feel completely safe and secure enough to go “all in.”
And outside of marriage, there’s absolutely NO obligation to enter, or stay, in a relationship you’re not pleased with.
So, feel free to take a step back from committing, (or recommitting), to a relationship you’re unsure of, regain your focus on your vision for the relationship that you desire, (as described in my last answer), and allow time to tell you if a person is someone you truly should commit, (or recommit), to.
When you approach a relationship in this low-pressure, let’s-see-if-we’re-truly-compatible-first way, you not only create the opportunity to lay the strong, friendship-first foundation necessary for a great relationship; but you don’t have to worry about wasting your time because you’re still free to live your best life while discovering if the other person is a match to your deepest desires, (opposed to someone you just want to be).
So, “Fool Me Once,” if this relationship has any long-term romantic potential return to the basics. Focus on creating a great (friendship-based) relationship FIRST, while you let your other friend, Father Time, show you if this guy really can be the consistent and trustworthy man of your dreams. It will go a long way in letting you know if you should, in fact, eventually “say yes to the dress.” Best of luck.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, and we’re planning to get married in a year.
Throughout this relationship, things have been great. He has been really nice, caring and accommodating towards me. He doesn’t look at other women in front of me, we have a great sex life, and he always lets me know his whereabouts.
Things turned downhill, however, when I checked his messages on our 2-year anniversary trip. In them I found a message inquiring about services with an escort. I confronted him immediately and he told me he was not aware of that message, and that his friend had sent it using his phone.
I couldn’t find any reason for him to look for a prostitute, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I let it slide.
A month later I used another number and pretended to be from an escort agency to test him, and he actually replied asking for more details. Then he quit replying.
I eventually confronted him about his replies, and he got mad at me for using such ways to test him. Yes, I do agree that it was unethical to test him in that way, but I just wanted to know the truth.
He then admitted that those messages were sent by him, but he said that he has never cheated on me. He even asked me to call those numbers to see if he engaged any of the girls. He told me it’s to show his colleagues – (his colleagues do visit prostitutes) – about the girls and services. He explained that he lied to me because I wouldn’t have believed him if he told me the truth.
Just yesterday I looked through his messages, and there was a message from an unknown number replying “Ok :)” in the middle of the night. I looked the number up online only to find out that it’s from a prostitute. The next day when I looked through the messages after he was awake it was deleted.
I really want to know what’s that “Ok :)” was supposed to mean. I really need some help. On one hand, he acted so normal, planning for our future, yet messages like these keep appearing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Confused AF
Dear “Confused AF,”
Remember that sitcom episode where the parents find drugs in their son’s backpack and he says that they’re not his, they’re his friend’s?… Well… #Same. Lol…
Girl. What a sucky situation… Your boyfriend has literally dragged you into an unfun version of the game “two truths and a lie.” Here, he tells you some things that are true, some things that are false, and leaves it up to you to decipher what’s bullshit and what isn’t. Oy-the f*ckin-vey. Lol.
There’s good news, however. And that’s that YOU DON’T HAVE TO PLAY HIS SILLY GAME AT ALL.
I can get bogged down in the not-as-important-as-they-seem details with you, but the truth of the matter is that, when it comes to your situation,all you have to do is decide what type of relationship you want, and whether or not you believe that this relationship can satisfy those desires.
Since you say you desire the truth, (hence your Catfish-like tactics and snooping, haha), and your boyfriend admittedly lies to you, (causing you much distress), you’ve obviously lost faith in your ability to have the relationship of your dreams.
But remember, just as you once wanted someone who had a lot of the traits you admire in your current boyfriend, and allowed that person to manifest in your life, you can reclaim your creative power and manifest a relationship – with, or without him – that incorporates your new desires based on your new life experiences.
To do that you need to focus solely on what you now want, not on what you’re getting, because focusing on what you’re getting will only get you more of the same.
Energy flows where your attention goes.
So, shut out all outside noise. Get still and listen to your inner voice. Journal. And reconnect with how you want your relationship to feel, not what you want your boyfriend to do, because once you reconnect emotionally to the vision of your dream relationship your instructions action-wise will flow from there.
(Insert after-school special speech here: And if you continue to stay in a potentially non-monogamous relationship while you sort things out, I recommend that you “wrap it up.” Non-self-protection in such cases is akin to self-mutilation. So, continue to take care of yourself, which includes not letting a temporary problem become a permanent one.)
And finally, near to the end of your question you say that on your way to the alter “messages like these keep appearing.” So please do stop and listen to those “messages.” They only keep reappearing because you are loved, and “Life” has something to tell you.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Ya’ll know I’m busy enjoying my #HotGirlSummer, but the rebel in “muah” has inspired “muah” to give you guys some anti-advice this week, so I’m just gonna leave this right here:
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Well, that was pretty much straight to the point, lol… So, let me get straight to mine.
Lacking motivation? Try this: Nothing.
And by “nothing” I mean, absolutely, positively, fantastically nothing.
Give yourself time to breathe… Time to recharge…
Whether it be days, weeks, or even months – (it’s rarely months) – CHILL THE F*CK OUT.
You don’t have to do anything to be worthy of the air you breathe. You’re unconditionally loved. So feel free to be a human BEing whenever you want, and not always a human DOing.
Now, with that said, if you want to do something, but aren’t sure what, a “lackadaisical” phase, (when not connected to the type of depression I address in this answer), typically signifies that you’re at a turning point in your life and your inner being is waiting for you to stop doing stuff long enough for you to be able to hear from it what your next move and/or perspective should be.
That’s called inspiration. When you’re moved to do things from within.
Motivation, on the other hand, consists of external influences. It can work hand-in-hand with inspiration. But solo? It’s a dud. It’s like running on a portable battery. Eventually you’ll run out of power and want to plug back in.
Furthermore, action driven from within is the only type of action that leads to soul satisfying results. So when you care about how you feel it’s hard to do things without your spirit’s “go-ahead.” It’s like trying to get a dog to come to you when he knows there’s nothing in it for him. Ya’ll be staring at each other all day! Haha. (Alright, I’ll stop with the metaphors, lol…)
Now, will you die from a lack of motivation? Nooooooo… Hahaha. Since you do, in fact, care about how you feel – as evidenced by you writing in and/or reading this – your inner being’s desire to feel good will inspire you to continue to do the things that maintain not just your physical well-being, but that of those you love and who depend on you, if necessary. Now you may miss a meal here and there in the brief time it takes you to reconnect with your inner voice. But, don’t worry, the cops won’t bust down your door and find a bunch of skeletons, haha. It just won’t happen.
The quicker yougive yourself permission to not only let go of doing the unsatisfying things you think you should be doing, but also permission to not be clear, and to not make a move until you are, the quicker you open yourself up to receive the new breadcrumb instructions of stuff to do that ultimately is satisfying,(i.e. stuff you want to do).
A little self-acceptance goes a long way. And a little stillness? Even further.
So, make peace with where you’re at, and before you know it, you’ll be doing things that bring you peace. Best of luck.
-Megan 🙂
P.S. And for more on this topic as it relates to avoiding a specific project you want to work on I highly recommend Steven Pressfield’s “The War of Art.”
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
If it wasn’t a good look for Jim Carrey, it’s probably not a good look for you, lol.
Hi, Megan!
I was just wondering if you could pass along some advice to me.
Me and this guy I’ve talked to for six months finally met for the first time last month, (I bought us dinner). We met again last week for dinner and then went to a show.
On the way to the show he asked what I was looking for, (we both had a mutual understanding that I wanted something long-term, beforehand), and I said a boyfriend.
He stated that he was into this guy that lives 3 1/2 hours away, it hasn’t gone anywhere, and he is frustrated because he wants it to go somewhere but it hasn’t. He said he just needs to get over his feelings for that guy, and I understand that, but that can take time.
I am just very disappointed. He had also said that we could still hangout, (he said that these weren’t even dates, just hanging out); but I told him that I want to know what to expect though. I told him at the end of the “hangout” that I thought we’d make a cute couple. He said, “I think we would too, and I didn’t realize that until tonight.”
Overall, I just want your thoughts, please. I want to be with him, but I know that I cannot control another’s emotions/nor chase someone. I think I’m just going to let him be and have him get a hold of me. I just hope that he does because I really, really, really like him!
Thank you!
-Not Straight, and *Definitely* No Chaser
Dear “Not Straight, and Definitely No Chaser,”
And an enthusiastic “Hi!” back to you! Lol… It’s not everyday I come across someone as put together as you, (whispers in ear: between you and me, everyone else who comes here is pretty much cRaZy…) Lol. Just kidding, you guys. You know I love ya’ll…
Anyway, on to your “situationship” and my two cents… What I see here is a good ‘ol classic, “I really (really, really) like him BUT,” scenario that will feel a whole lot better when you turn it into an “I really (really, really) like him AND” one. And by that I mean it’s about high time you shifted your focus from the (perceived) downsides of this encounter to its upsides.
You see, when you’ve come across someone who’s got a lot of the qualities that you want in a mate, but not all of them, resist the urge to get butt hurt thinking about all the things that aren’t harmonious with your desires – (e.g. “I really, really, really, like him BUT he’s trying to put me in the friendzone and keep me as a back-up option”) – and instead focus on all the things you’ve gained from the situation – (like confirmation that someone with qualities that you do want in a mate is out there AND that they’re drawn to you… Score!)
From that newfound perspective you can simply add the things that this guy lacks – (things like a desire to be with you that’s so strong that wild horses couldn’t keep you two apart) – to the clearer and ever more vivid vision of your ideal mate that’s steadily emerging from crush to crush. (e.g. “I really, really, really like him AND I like it when I’m a ‘must-have’ for another and not just an option.”)
Focusing on your vision, and not every close-but-no-cigar Tom, Dick, and Harry that shows up in front of you, (no matter how yummy), will not only give you the energy you need to stay positive in the face of disappointment, but it’s a necessary step in getting on the same wavelength/becoming compatible with the things that you want in life.
And note that while this guy may still end up becoming the perfect match you’re waiting for, you’re right to not try to control another’s feelings or chase after him. After all, that will just keep you focused on what you don’t want – (someone you have to work to get to love you) – in the process, which is what keeps things you don’t want present in your life.
Chillin’… Daydreaming… Noticing and appreciating where the qualities that you desire in a mate show up in some of your other relationships, (including the one you have with yourself), and becoming all that you desire in another is what will allow that like-minded, dream-boat you’re fantasizing about to show up in your life.
So stay open. Celebrate your newfound hope and clarity. And, as you said, allow him, or someone else who’s just as or more delicious than him, to get ahold of you when ready, (and not one second sooner ;)). Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
Fluffing pillows with your head is but one way to keep busy while waiting on a flaky friend
Dear Megan,
So, I have a flaky friend. It makes me feel insignificant and unimportant that she asks me to do stuff, or we arrange things, then she either shows up super late or doesn’t show up at all.
I know it’s not a reflection on me but of her, but it still really hurts. And I know I need to cut her out, but I like her and we have a lot in common. I just can’t go around feeling like rubbish anymore.
Please help!
-With Friends Like These…
Dear “With Friends Like These…,”
Amen, sister… In a world full of ghosters, headache-inducing family members, and plain ‘ol annoying associates, you would think that the one safe place to find respect and upliftment among others would be the “friend-zone,” right? Well, wrong… Or as the French would say, “au contraire, mon frère.”
When it comes to any type of quality relationship, you can only extract from it what you bring to it. So, I hate to say it, mi amiga, but if you don’t like how the soup tastes, we gotta look at what you’re putting into the pot. (Some of ya’ll already knew I would get right into it, huh, lol.)
When it comes to your situation, “With Friends Like These…,” if you want to get treated in a manner that shows respect for you and your time, you yourself have to bring to the relationship a sense of respect for you and your time.
You teach people how to treat you.
And while you’re right that how she behaves is a reflection of her not you, how you allow her to behave in YOUR life, on the other hand, is a reflection of you and how you feel about yourself, not her.
Alright, breathe…
Okay, ready to do the work? Here we go…
In order to get the treatment you want from your relationships, you have to: (a) first know what you value, (b) know that you’re worthy of receiving what you value, and (c) create boundaries that support your values and sense of worthiness.
The good news is that Step A – knowing what you value – is super easy as it’s achieved through pure ‘ol life experience. Observing what feels good vs. what feels shitty is the crux here, so all you have to do is note what feels good and store it under the “values” column.(In this case, her late or no-show behavior has either taught you, or reinforced, that you value punctuality and behavior that shows consideration for another’s time.)
When it comes to Step B, on the other hand – knowing that you’re worthy of receiving what makes you feel good – things can get a bit trickier as it requires a nurtured self-esteem; which, if not there, involves a great deal of conscious effort… Argh.
Fortunately, I’ve discussed nurturing your self-esteem in this article, as well as this one, where I even bring in the “big guns” via this Marissa Peer video. So with those resources, you’ll be well on the path to a healthy self-esteem in no time :).
Finally, once you know your values and have embraced the fact that you deserve good treatment, you’ll be able to perform Step C. In this step you’ll create boundaries that will not only repel those who don’t respect you and your values/time, but you’ll attract those who do, (you’re welcome ;)).
Now, if it’s a new relationship where you’re still in the courting stage, (yes, this stage even exists in platonic friendships), all you have to do boundary-wise is observe the other’s behavior and see if it’s compatible with your values.
Remember Maya Angelou’s words, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time,” and if who they are is a match to what you value, congrats! You just found yourself a new friend!… If not… Well, it’s time to have a quick “it’s not you, it’s me, girlfriend” talk.
If, however, this is a long-term, established friendship, where you both are already emotionally invested in each other, (like the one you’re talking about), you may be able to save the friendship by establishing new boundaries. After all, you’re now bringing a new-found sense of self, (thanks to your higher self-esteem), to the relationship, so you’ll have to redefine how you both operate within the friendship.
Let your friend know that when she does “x” it makes you feel “y,” and for the relationship to work you’re going to need her to start doing “z.” And mean it.
E.g. If you need her to show up when she says she’s going to show up, or call/text ahead of time when she’s running late or needs to cancel, tell her. You can give her a warning for one goof-up if you like, but let her know that you’ll have to let her go if she does it again.
When talking, make sure to focus on the request you’re making, and not your criticism of her behavior. That way you’ll keep the conversation focused on what you hope to get out it – which is a different behavior – opposed to a conversation full of blame on your part, and defensiveness and excuses on hers. (And for more advice on having hard conversations, I highly recommend this article by Iyanla Vanzant.)
If she decides to stay and respect your new boundaries, (and therefore the healthier you), great! She may be a good friendship fit for you after all. If not, she may either disappear and come back later when she’s changed, or she may never come back at all. But, rest assured, that in the space that she leaves in your life, someone who’s a better fit for the new and improved you will come in and fill that space perfectly. Works every time.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.
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