Guys Are Only Interested In Having Sex With Me

Dear Megan,

I feel like sex is all I have to offer because guys mainly seek me for this.

I’m in my early 20s and am absolutely fed up with the way my male peers treat and look at me. I’ve only been with one guy in my entire life, but before and after our relationship I was always ogled, groped, and treated like a sex object.

I never understood why guys would perceive me this way because I am incredibly shy and introverted. People mainly describe me as shy and sweet as well because of my youthful appearance. Ironically, guys my age and older will sometimes lead me on after socializing with them by asking me to meet them at their apartments, go out on dates, and eventually spend time with them to have sex after. Sitting next to them, they’ll blatantly put their hands on my hips, insert their hands in my hoodie pockets, or try to feel me up whenever they ask for a hug.

I never lead them on in any way. I just engage with them with politeness, friendliness, and kindness. I use a lot of empathy and give my full attention when talking to them. Almost like a “therapist,” but only because I genuinely want to get to know them and be a good listener. However, they’ll later turn these interactions into something sexual or flirtatious. I want to be a b*tch to them, but that’s not who I am.

I’ve been internalizing these persistent experiences for a couple of years. Also wondering if sex is something I should start having since it’s all they want from me in the end. I only want to lose it in a committed relationship, but I’m afraid the guy will bounce after I give it to him or, worst, stick around solely for that.

I’ve also thought about escorting and porn, given the way guys look at and talk about my body.  I really feel like it may be all I have to offer, but I think it’s too extreme and goes against my beliefs.

Please help!

-Fresh Meat

________________________________________________

FOR THE VIDEO/YOUTUBE VERSION OF THIS ANSWER CLICK HERE!!

Dear “Fresh Meat,”

Ahh…  I miss those days…  The days when guys only cared about what was in my pants…  Now they care about what’s in both my pants AND wallet! Lol…  But seriously, I couldn’t be MORE excited about this question because it addresses so much of what I deal with in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”  So, without further ado, let’s get to unpacking this baggage.

To begin with, let’s get the things you seem confused about just because you’re, you know, in your early 20s and don’t have enough experience to know certain things, out of the way.  (And trust me, that isn’t a knock on you.  I was so naïve when I was your age I didn’t even know guys were trying to have sex with me when we were kissing in their bedroom! [Forehead, meet palm.]) 

Firstly, you’ll want to note that when you hang out with a wolf – aka guy – alone in an intimate setting, especially after a date, he’s likely to make a move.  And since most of us girls are willing to be “b*tches” with strong boundaries, your kind reactions to their unwanted advances will be perceived as you “wanting it,” aka giving them the greenlight, or “leading them on.”

With that said, understand that their behavior isn’t so unique to you that it justifies altering your self-image, or ideas about your self-worth.  However, you are smart to turn the lens on yourself when it comes to you internalizing these “persistent experiences” for years.  That, my dear, is where you’ve gotten off track and lost in the weeds somewhere with no clue as to who you are.  So it’s understandable that you feel rotten about yourself as a result.

To state matters clearly, what we have here is a simple case of you, as the creator of your own reality, losing control over your ability to create experiences that you want; which in this case are romantic encounters where you feel valued. 

At some point in your internalizing and focusing on undesirable advances from the men you entertained, you got WAY too much momentum going in the direction of attracting more of the same – (because what you give your attention to magnifies and keeps showing up in your experience by way of energetic invitation.  Just like when you were a kid and you gave your attention to, say, the color blue, and before you knew it you saw the color blue EVERYWHERE.)  Now, as a result of you getting so much momentum going in an unwanted direction, your work is simply to re-embrace your creative power, and steer your ship around to creating what it is you DO want to experience.

Now, before I tell you how that’s done, I want to point out that some people find it helpful to know why they decided to focus on a specific thing, and take things so personally that they allowed it to distract them from creating their own desires, so that they can avoid certain traps or triggers to do so again in the future. 

If you feel that that’s the path for you allow me to go on a quick rant and affirm that, contrary to what some believe, consistently attracting men who try to get into your pants on dates is NOT about what you wear or don’t wear, (to a certain extent, of course.  If you show up nude I can’t help you, lol.)  Some people like to blame women for inappropriate, (and sometimes even violent), behavior from men based on what they’re wearing, but I’m happy to report that it’s a guy’s character and personality that will determine how he treats the woman in front of him, not what she looks like.  A man is who he is.  I have friends who dress and act like saints who can’t get a guy to take them seriously for the life of them, while me and my cleavage and legs stay breezy and I get treated very well, and taken very, very seriously. 

At the end of the day, it is the energy that you put out, that will determine what type of men and behavior you attract and constantly have lingering around you.  And if you’re attracting a bunch of wolves with impatient or shallow behavior you may find it helpful to know how you cultivated that energy. 

For some examples, you could be attracting them due to emotional unavailability on your part from things like abandonment issues or a previous relationship, and/or daddy issues – (remember my videos on “Daddy Issues” and “How to Tell if You’re Emotionally Available?”)  There could be sexual trauma in your background that you subconsciously want to deal with, or you yourself may just be horny but sexually repressed in an attempt to maintain a “good” image…  Maybe you have insecurities that need to be addressed, or don’t trust that you know how to create intimacy with another person so you hand over the reins to guys, (who often times are able to experience intimacy through sex before most women are ready to – especially after you’ve become their therapist), only to be reminded that they’re moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with and that you really should trust yourself.  Maybe deep down you like exploring your effect on men but still aren’t willing to settle for just sex when you really want love.  Maybe you know you’re looking for love in the wrong places and are stalled romantically as a result.  Or maybe you simply just let your curiosity or people-pleasing tendencies get you into bad spots. Whatever it is, if you want to know the “why” as to how you got yourself into this situation, feel free to delve into that work with the help of a counselor, and/or deep thinking/self-analysis with things like journaling, books, etc.

And for my final note before I go into the “game plan” for getting what you want, let me address your interest in adult work as a result of all this “attention,” (which I further speak to in this video on “How to Use Your Looks To Get Ahead In Life: The Adult Version.”)  When you’re young you’re still learning a lot about what feels right for you and what doesn’t, so I not only understand your inclination to consider adult work, but I applaud your willingness to explore life on your own terms.  

Just like a tall, thin girl is informed that she can be a model; or a big, 300 lb. boy is told that he should play football, certain people do have an unshakable sexy quality whose utilization is encouraged  – (e.g. Marilyn Monroe, who was at first very disappointed when her acting teacher informed her of that quality in her, eventually came down on the decision to embrace it).  For many it feels like you’re doomed to not be taken seriously, so you’re tempted to just say F-it and “give the people what they want.”  

However, entry into the adult industry, like every other decision you make, is best done if it comes from a place of self-love, fun, curiosity, and a certain degree of clarity; not disillusionment, rebellion, and a feeling of hopelessness.  So just as you’re determined to stick to your guns when making that decision, go one step further and stay true to your desire to have intimate encounters you’ll actually enjoy, feel safe and adored in, experience chemistry etc.  You know, all that stuff I mentioned in “What to Look for in a Man AND Relationship.

Now, as far as the game plan goes for getting your ship to go in the direction of what it is you want, your work is to (1) break the momentum you currently have going in the perpetuation of unwanted intimate experiences by giving your attention to something else…  Anything else… 

Decide to take a break from dating and focus on other things you enjoy.  Then, (2) when your feelings of frustration over what you’ve been attracting in the dating world aren’t as strong, begin to focus on what you DO want to feel when you’re in the presence of a man.  Write it down, and find images or songs, etc. that reflect the feelings you want to feel, even going into the why of what you want to feel, and really allow yourself to get tuned into the frequency of love.

And to further stay connected with your vision, refuse to entertain anything that’s not a match.  When meeting new guys, incorporate phrases and modes of operating that reflect your new “vision-supporting boundaries.”  Responses like: “Thanks for the invitation, but I prefer not to hang out in intimate settings before I really get to know a person,” or “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll meet you at the restaurant, (or will Uber home),” etc. should not only give a guy an idea of what you’re about, but it’ll also give you more time to see if he’s a match to your vision. 

In a world with so many people who want different things, at times you may observe something that momentarily causes you to lose sight of your vision, or occasionally attract a guy who’s not on the same page as you, but don’t beat yourself up or dwell on it as that’ll just keep you separated from the frequency of love and thereby hold up your creative process.  In those moments, practice self -compassion, (as I mention in “Inner Beauty Secrets”), and keep it moving. 

The right guy who is a match to your desires will eventually come along. 

But, remember, as I pointed out in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” a wolf is still a wolf, meaning he’s still gonna want fresh meat.  Which is okay, because under the right circumstances you’ll want his meat, too.  For now, you just have to position yourself to attract someone who’s got all the other things you want to feel when in both the presence of a man and a relationship.  And rest assured that when you do, you two will have no trouble feasting upon each other.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂    

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

What Should I Look For In A Man And A Relationship?

giphy-3

So, these are the questions…:

“Dear Megan,

I broke up with my fiancé of 9 months, and now it’s been 3 months and I still don’t know if it was the right decision. The reason why I broke up is because there were small things that bothered me that started to build up. Looking back at it, I feel like it’s things I can help him with to grow and I shouldn’t have abandoned him, yet then again, he never seemed to put in the effort. Am I a bad person for wanting to I change him?”

“Dear Megan,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. He’s bipolar so he calls me really early in the am and I didn’t want to wake up the rest of my family members so I hung up on him. Two hours later I messaged him, ‘What’s up?’ And I get this as a response: Sorry but I need someone who will be there for me when I need them to and clearly you cannot do that. And he also writes we really could have been amazing together and it kills me to say this but lose my number. And he also blocked me from everything – his phone, all social media… I can’t understand why he would get so upset over something so silly. I really loved him, and this is driving me crazy because I thought that he loved me.  Why do you think he did this, and do you think that he will be back?”

“Dear Megan,

I am seeking guidance to my situation as I’ve lost all hope and I have no idea what to do. I have been with my current partner for approaching 5yrs. We have loads in common and I love him to bits but we have never had any sex life. I just don’t feel special or important to him. He’s not prepared to get any help for his issues, I’ve offered to go with him to talk to someone but I think he’d be more prepared to let me walk away than to try and sort it out, which to me says our relationship isn’t important to him. After nearly 5yrs am I wasting my time?”

Sincerely,

-Confused Gals of the Universe


FOR THE VIDEO/YOUTUBE VERSION OF THIS ANSWER CLICK HERE!!

Dear “Confused Gals of the Universe,”

Now, not only to kill multiple birds with one stone – (I mean, I’m lazy, but not that lazy, lol) – but to stick by my preference of teaching y’all how to fish opposed to giving y’all fish, I’m going to respond to these questions by sharing the FOUR things a professional counselor shared with me when I was once confused about what one should looking for in a man and relationship worth staying in and fighting for. 

And in no particular order, those things are:

  • Chemistry, (of course).  In its most easily identifiable terms, this means that you’re with someone that you want to touch…  Kiss..  Hug…  And “bang.”  Now, with that said, since these feelings can not only come and go, but can cause some to over-look other important things in a satisfying relationship, (like good treatment), it’s very important to balance it out with the other three criteria. But, yeah, he can’t just be a “nice guy.”  You gotta want to touch the boy.
  • Intellectual Connection.  While you two may not be into all of the same things, or have the same educational background, it is important that the other person understand you when you speak, (lol).  And note that I’m not saying that your partner should automatically get your emotions the first time they’re conveyed.  (It takes genuine curiosity, respect, and a strong desire to do so for a partner to get past their own seemingly-conflicting needs and truly hear you; as well as patience on your part to work with him until he does. [And vice versa when needed.])  I’m saying that you should feel like you’re on “the same level” so that you can converse with your partner about your interests.  This is what allows for the foundation of friendship.
  • Safety.  A feeling of safety in the relationship is not only a big one because it manifests in so many ways, but it takes a lot of time to fully accomplish and see if it’s there.  Not only do you need to feel safe physically, which is only determined after experiencing adversities.  (How does he treat you when he’s upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, or feels like he’s losing something, etc.?)  But it’s important to feel safe emotionally.  Can you be vulnerable, open, and honest about everything with this person.  Does he have your back?  Is he willing to protect and provide for you? Is he devoted and dedicated to you and the relationship? If you value monogamy, does he? Do you two have other shared values like marriage, family, and a commitment to work things out during tough times?…  Feeling safe will make room for trust and allow you to let your walls down and become a true team player.  But remember, actions speak louder than words, so be prepared to give this box time before checking it off.
  • Love For Each Other.  Simply put, do you two care for each other?  Do you want the best for each other?  Support each other?  And respect each other?  This love you two share for each other will be the glue that will help you guys weather the storms, push each of you to communicate when tired, seek counseling when needed, and even learn each other’s “love language” if either of you don’t speak it naturally.

*Bonus criteria I can’t help but add!*

  • Your gut’s approval!  I know you might feel like you gut is broken or “misguided,” or that you simply don’t have enough life experience to put faith in it, but trust me, your instincts won’t fail you because deep down you know if something’s good for you or not.  So, learn to trust your emotional guidance system by, guess what, trusting it!  But, yeah, I know it’s hard so that’s why I laid out the criteria that’ll help you when you’re having trouble trusting yourself.  But at the end of the day, just know that if this guy and his behavior feels consistently good, you can go with it.  If it doesn’t feel consistently good, and you find yourself making excuses for bad behavior, let your courage and faith help you in walking away.  After all, remember, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!”  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

How to Know if Someone is ‘The One’

giphy-38

Dear Megan,

How do you know if someone is “The One?”  This one guy I know keeps coming back from time to time, and I can’t stop thinking about him.  I hear old songs and am reminded of him, and after every breakup with other guys I go back to thinking of him.

 Are there signs if someone is the person you’re meant to be with forever? Like, will his name just keep coming up?  Or maybe your family and their family get along?  Or is all that just a coincidence.

 Sincerely,

-Looking For My “Neo”

 


FOR THE YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER CLICK HERE!

Dear “Looking For My ‘Neo,’”

As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; and by the sound of it, you’ve been exposed to enough purely seasonal and “reasonal” people that you’re ready for your “lifetime” person already, lol…  Your “soulmate…”  “The One…”  But you’re confused.  How are you supposed to know who this mysterious bastard is when you come across him so that you don’t eff things up! Well, good question.  I’ll tell you on my deathbed after I’ve lived a lifetime and have had concrete proof.  Haha, j/k.  Let’s get into it.

To begin with, I first want to clarify that there’s not only nothing wrong with the “reason and season” people who temporarily come into your life to offer you life lessons, but they’re just as essential in helping you grow into the person you want to be as the Lifetime person.  Consequently, all three types of people are “The One” for you, some are just it for a shorter time.

But I get it, many of us want “The One” one.  Someone we can grow with AND grow old with.  That person who knows and loves us so deeply over decades of time that we not only don’t have to keep explaining ourselves to new people, but we end up belonging to a beautiful relationship that can’t help but create an atmosphere for unconditional love to thrive.

Gives me “lady wood” just thinking about it.

So, we meet people, get excited, and wonder, is this “The One” that I can spend the rest of my life with?  Is this “The One” I can (and should) settle down with, have fun with, share my secrets with, grow with, heal with, and in some cases, (if you like to wait), sleep with?

Well, whether you end up getting this information from a pastor like Bishop TD Jakes who said, “What left me couldn’t stay, and what stayed couldn’t leave me,” or relationship expert, Tracy McMillan, who reminded us in her book, Why You’re Not Married… Yet, that if a man leaves he’s not your man, or even life experience, the simple truth is that the only way to know if someone is the one for you is…  drumroll please… if they stay!

Anyone else who comes into your life was simply a reason or season person, but the person who stays is THE ONE.  Like, THEE ONE.

Now, if you don’t like “The One,” or the relationship you have with this persistent S.O.B, you might want to become a new “one,” (aka person), so that you can attract a better match.  You know, the whole to find a soulmate you must mate with your soul first principle.  This means you need to take some time to get in touch with who really are, and what you really want deep down, so that you attract what’s harmonious with your deepest desires.

In that case you’ll want to sit down, go quiet, and get back in touch with how you want to FEEL in a relationship.  Getting in touch with what feels good, (not what looks good), will cause you to exude different “good-feeling” energy and consequently act differently, which will cause you to attract different things.

If that person that you were involved with is still a match to what you really want deep down, you guys will be able to work through whatever differences you guys have and live to “fight another day.”  If not, he’ll simply become another reason or season person, leaving you in a position to then attract a more harmonious AND peaceful relationship in your life.

So, for now, you can rest assured knowing that, in the end, time is the only thing that tells the truth, and “The One” will reveal himself to you in it.  In the meantime, with whoever you find yourself attracted to, give it time.  Get to know the person and let them know you.  The real you.  If they’re truly for you they’ll stick with you through both your pleasant sides and also your not-so-pleasant sides.  And remember, you can’t F*ck things up with “The One.”  That’s what makes them “The One.” Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How to Finally Let Go and Move On!

 

Moving on thumbnail
Sometimes you just gotta do it…

Hey there, sexy ladies and gents!

Boy, have I got some BIG news for you!!…  In case the featured YouTube “thumbnail” picture didn’t give it away, I’m expanding “Dear Megan” to include the new YouTube channel I’m starting!  (But don’t worry, I’ll still be taking and answering questions here.)

In honor of this expansion, I’ve decided to make my first video all about tackling the often difficult and terrifying act of MOVING ON.

So, if you’ve been wanting to move on from something you’ve found extremely hard to let go of – like an unsatisfactory job or career, a bad romantic relationship, a flaky friend, or even a financially-generous-but-cock-blocking “older male friend” (he he) – I  highly recommend you check out this video.

In it I discuss what to do after you’ve had enough of the place you’ve outgrown, how to deal with being outside of your comfort zone, and the secret to finding yourself in the place you ultimately want to be.

So, check out the video below.  And if it helps you in any way, please make sure to LIKE/THUMBS UP the video, and hit the SUBSCRIBE button and notification bell to be notified of both “Dear Megan” and similar, but non-“Dear Megan” content.

Thanks.  And, as always, best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

 

 

To subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

The MAJOR mistake most people make when dating

giphy-56.gif

Dear Megan,

(Like the previous girl who wrote in), I too, was cheated on with escorts. I didn’t talk to him for a couple of months, but he never stopped texting, emailing, sending flowers, etc… When I saw him again he had lost, like, 30 pounds, and looked completely devastated.

In an effort to regain my trust, he gave me a clone phone, put cameras in his house, started going to meetings, therapists, church, he now wants to convert to my religious beliefs, (even though I never asked him to), and he even proposed.

I do believe he is truly remorseful for all the pain he caused, and I even started trusting him a little. Then I caught him LYING about porn and it all went down the toilet.

Am I just wasting my time here? Can people REALLY change that much?

Sincerely,

-Fool Me Once…

 


Dear “Fool Me Once…”

Goodness, me! What the heck are you doing over there to turn “sinners” into “saints” like THAT?! Lol… (Inquiring priests wanna know, haha…)

But in all seriousness, I love this question. It not only allows me to expound upon my last answer, but it gives me a chance to address the MAJOR mistake I see most people make when dating. So, let’s get to it.

Picking up where I left off last time, let’s say you’ve done the work. You got clear on how you want to feel in a relationship, stayed focused on your vision, and, as a result, you attracted a man who was compatible with that vision.

Now, the guy who seemingly was a match is “cutting up,” and instead of getting the man of your dreams you feel like all you’re getting are trust issues.

However! [*Index finger raised*] You remember that no one is perfect, and reflect back on what I shared with you in “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship.

You also remember Harville Hendrix’ assertion within that article that “the best one can hope for, (in someone they have chemistry with), is to find someone who is aware of his or her problems and willing to do, with you, the hard work necessary to heal.” (Keeping the Love You Find, pg. 131)

BUT! [*You argue again*] there’s a BIG difference between someone’s willingness and desire to change, and their capacity to change… And now that’s got you wondering if all of your boyfriend’s/fiancé’s efforts to show you that he truly is “your guy” are Real Deal Holyfield changes, of if you’re just wasting your time.

Well, I’ve got good news and bad news.

The “bad news” is that an individual’s capacity to change can only be revealed in time. The “good news” is that – (God-willing) – you’ve got time! (Knock on wood).

And this brings me to the MAJOR mistake I see most people make when dating: They make a commitment BEFORE they have a great relationship.

Happy and healthy relationships require time to (1) allow you to see what you’re consistently getting, (2) grow in trust, and (3) get to a place where you both feel completely safe and secure enough to go “all in.”

And outside of marriage, there’s absolutely NO obligation to enter, or stay, in a relationship you’re not pleased with.

So, feel free to take a step back from committing, (or recommitting), to a relationship you’re unsure of, regain your focus on your vision for the relationship that you desire, (as described in my last answer), and allow time to tell you if a person is someone you truly should commit, (or recommit), to.

When you approach a relationship in this low-pressure, let’s-see-if-we’re-truly-compatible-first way, you not only create the opportunity to lay the strong, friendship-first foundation necessary for a great relationship; but you don’t have to worry about wasting your time because you’re still free to live your best life while discovering if the other person is a match to your deepest desires, (opposed to someone you just want to be).

So, “Fool Me Once,” if this relationship has any long-term romantic potential return to the basics. Focus on creating a great (friendship-based) relationship FIRST, while you let your other friend, Father Time, show you if this guy really can be the consistent and trustworthy man of your dreams. It will go a long way in letting you know if you should, in fact, eventually “say yes to the dress.” Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

My boyfriend keeps texting escort agencies ‘for his colleagues…’ Help!

giphy-29.gif

Dear Megan,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, and we’re planning to get married in a year.

Throughout this relationship, things have been great. He has been really nice, caring and accommodating towards me. He doesn’t look at other women in front of me, we have a great sex life, and he always lets me know his whereabouts.

Things turned downhill, however, when I checked his messages on our 2-year anniversary trip. In them I found a message inquiring about services with an escort. I confronted him immediately and he told me he was not aware of that message, and that his friend had sent it using his phone.

I couldn’t find any reason for him to look for a prostitute, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I let it slide.

A month later I used another number and pretended to be from an escort agency to test him, and he actually replied asking for more details. Then he quit replying.

I eventually confronted him about his replies, and he got mad at me for using such ways to test him. Yes, I do agree that it was unethical to test him in that way, but I just wanted to know the truth.

He then admitted that those messages were sent by him, but he said that he has never cheated on me. He even asked me to call those numbers to see if he engaged any of the girls. He told me it’s to show his colleagues – (his colleagues do visit prostitutes) – about the girls and services. He explained that he lied to me because I wouldn’t have believed him if he told me the truth.

Just yesterday I looked through his messages, and there was a message from an unknown number replying “Ok :)” in the middle of the night. I looked the number up online only to find out that it’s from a prostitute. The next day when I looked through the messages after he was awake it was deleted.

I really want to know what’s that “Ok :)” was supposed to mean. I really need some help. On one hand, he acted so normal, planning for our future, yet messages like these keep appearing. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Confused AF

 


Dear “Confused AF,”

Remember that sitcom episode where the parents find drugs in their son’s backpack and he says that they’re not his, they’re his friend’s?… Well… #Same. Lol…

Girl. What a sucky situation… Your boyfriend has literally dragged you into an unfun version of the game “two truths and a lie.”  Here, he tells you some things that are true, some things that are false, and leaves it up to you to decipher what’s bullshit and what isn’t. Oy-the f*ckin-vey. Lol.

There’s good news, however. And that’s that YOU DON’T HAVE TO PLAY HIS SILLY GAME AT ALL.

I can get bogged down in the not-as-important-as-they-seem details with you, but the truth of the matter is that, when it comes to your situation, all you have to do is decide what type of relationship you want, and whether or not you believe that this relationship can satisfy those desires.

Since you say you desire the truth, (hence your Catfish-like tactics and snooping, haha), and your boyfriend admittedly lies to you, (causing you much distress), you’ve obviously lost faith in your ability to have the relationship of your dreams.

But remember, just as you once wanted someone who had a lot of the traits you admire in your current boyfriend, and allowed that person to manifest in your life, you can reclaim your creative power and manifest a relationship – with, or without him – that incorporates your new desires based on your new life experiences.

To do that you need to focus solely on what you now want, not on what you’re getting, because focusing on what you’re getting will only get you more of the same.

Energy flows where your attention goes.

So, shut out all outside noise. Get still and listen to your inner voice. Journal. And reconnect with how you want your relationship to feel, not what you want your boyfriend to do, because once you reconnect emotionally to the vision of your dream relationship your instructions action-wise will flow from there.

(Insert after-school special speech here: And if you continue to stay in a potentially non-monogamous relationship while you sort things out, I recommend that you “wrap it up.” Non-self-protection in such cases is akin to self-mutilation. So, continue to take care of yourself, which includes not letting a temporary problem become a permanent one.)

And finally, near to the end of your question you say that on your way to the alter “messages like these keep appearing.” So please do stop and listen to those “messages.” They only keep reappearing because you are loved, and “Life” has something to tell you.

Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

To chase or not to chase, that is the question.

 

giphy-21.gif
If it wasn’t a good look for Jim Carrey, it’s probably not a good look for you, lol.

Hi, Megan!

I was just wondering if you could pass along some advice to me.

Me and this guy I’ve talked to for six months finally met for the first time last month, (I bought us dinner). We met again last week for dinner and then went to a show.

On the way to the show he asked what I was looking for, (we both had a mutual understanding that I wanted something long-term, beforehand), and I said a boyfriend.

He stated that he was into this guy that lives 3 1/2 hours away, it hasn’t gone anywhere, and he is frustrated because he wants it to go somewhere but it hasn’t. He said he just needs to get over his feelings for that guy, and I understand that, but that can take time.

I am just very disappointed. He had also said that we could still hangout, (he said that these weren’t even dates, just hanging out); but I told him that I want to know what to expect though.  I told him at the end of the “hangout” that I thought we’d make a cute couple. He said, “I think we would too, and I didn’t realize that until tonight.”

Overall, I just want your thoughts, please. I want to be with him, but I know that I cannot control another’s emotions/nor chase someone. I think I’m just going to let him be and have him get a hold of me. I just hope that he does because I really, really, really like him!

Thank you!

-Not Straight, and *Definitely* No Chaser

 


Dear “Not Straight, and Definitely No Chaser,”

And an enthusiastic “Hi!” back to you! Lol…  It’s not everyday I come across someone as put together as you, (whispers in ear: between you and me, everyone else who comes here is pretty much cRaZy…)  Lol. Just kidding, you guys.  You know I love ya’ll…

Anyway, on to your “situationship” and my two cents… What I see here is a good ‘ol classic, “I really (really, really) like him BUT,” scenario that will feel a whole lot better when you turn it into an “I really (really, really) like him AND” one.  And by that I mean it’s about high time you shifted your focus from the (perceived) downsides of this encounter to its upsides.

You see, when you’ve come across someone who’s got a lot of the qualities that you want in a mate, but not all of them, resist the urge to get butt hurt thinking about all the things that aren’t harmonious with your desires – (e.g. “I really, really, really, like him BUT he’s trying to put me in the friendzone and keep me as a back-up option”) – and instead focus on all the things you’ve gained from the situation – (like confirmation that someone with qualities that you do want in a mate is out there AND that they’re drawn to you…  Score!)

From that newfound perspective you can simply add the things that this guy lacks – (things like a desire to be with you that’s so strong that wild horses couldn’t keep you two apart) – to the clearer and ever more vivid vision of your ideal mate that’s steadily emerging from crush to crush. (e.g. “I really, really, really like him AND I like it when I’m a ‘must-have’ for another and not just an option.”)

Focusing on your vision, and not every close-but-no-cigar Tom, Dick, and Harry that shows up in front of you, (no matter how yummy), will not only give you the energy you need to stay positive in the face of disappointment, but it’s a necessary step in getting on the same wavelength/becoming compatible with the things that you want in life. 

And note that while this guy may still end up becoming the perfect match you’re waiting for, you’re right to not try to control another’s feelings or chase after him.  After all, that will just keep you focused on what you don’t want – (someone you have to work to get to love you) – in the process, which is what keeps things you don’t want present in your life.

Chillin’…  Daydreaming…  Noticing and appreciating where the qualities that you desire in a mate show up in some of your other relationships, (including the one you have with yourself), and becoming all that you desire in another is what will allow that like-minded, dream-boat you’re fantasizing about to show up in your life.

So stay open.  Celebrate your newfound hope and clarity.  And, as you said, allow him, or someone else who’s just as or more delicious than him, to get ahold of you when ready, (and not one second sooner ;)).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

How do you deal with a flaky friend?

giphy-26.gif
Fluffing pillows with your head is but one way to keep busy while waiting on a flaky friend

Dear Megan,

So, I have a flaky friend.  It makes me feel insignificant and unimportant that she asks me to do stuff, or we arrange things, then she either shows up super late or doesn’t show up at all.

I know it’s not a reflection on me but of her, but it still really hurts.  And I know I need to cut her out, but I like her and we have a lot in common. I just can’t go around feeling like rubbish anymore.

Please help!

-With Friends Like These…

 


 

Dear “With Friends Like These…,”

Amen, sister… In a world full of ghosters, headache-inducing family members, and plain ‘ol annoying associates, you would think that the one safe place to find respect and upliftment among others would be the “friend-zone,” right?  Well, wrong…  Or as the French would say, “au contraire, mon frère.”

When it comes to any type of quality relationship, you can only extract from it what you bring to it. So, I hate to say it, mi amiga, but if you don’t like how the soup tastes, we gotta look at what you’re putting into the pot. (Some of ya’ll already knew I would get right into it, huh, lol.)

When it comes to your situation, “With Friends Like These…,” if you want to get treated in a manner that shows respect for you and your time, you yourself have to bring to the relationship a sense of respect for you and your time.

You teach people how to treat you. 

And while you’re right that how she behaves is a reflection of her not you, how you allow her to behave in YOUR life, on the other hand, is a reflection of you and how you feel about yourself, not her.   

Alright, breathe

Okay, ready to do the work?  Here we go…

In order to get the treatment you want from your relationships, you have to: (a) first know what you value, (b) know that you’re worthy of receiving what you value, and (c) create boundaries that support your values and sense of worthiness.

The good news is that Step A – knowing what you value – is super easy as it’s achieved through pure ‘ol life experience.  Observing what feels good vs. what feels shitty is the crux here, so all you have to do is note what feels good and store it under the “values” column.  (In this case, her late or no-show behavior has either taught you, or reinforced, that you value punctuality and behavior that shows consideration for another’s time.)

When it comes to Step B, on the other hand – knowing that you’re worthy of receiving what makes you feel good – things can get a bit trickier as it requires a nurtured self-esteem; which, if not there, involves a great deal of conscious effort…  Argh.

Fortunately, I’ve discussed nurturing your self-esteem in this article, as well as this one, where I even bring in the “big guns” via this Marissa Peer video. So with those resources, you’ll be well on the path to a healthy self-esteem in no time :).

Finally, once you know your values and have embraced the fact that you deserve good treatment, you’ll be able to perform Step C.  In this step you’ll create boundaries that will not only repel those who don’t respect you and your values/time, but you’ll attract those who do, (you’re welcome ;)).

Now, if it’s a new relationship where you’re still in the courting stage, (yes, this stage even exists in platonic friendships), all you have to do boundary-wise is observe the other’s behavior and see if it’s compatible with your values.

Remember Maya Angelou’s words, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time,” and if who they are is a match to what you value, congrats!  You just found yourself a new friend!…  If not…  Well, it’s time to have a quick “it’s not you, it’s me, girlfriend” talk.

If, however, this is a long-term, established friendship, where you both are already emotionally invested in each other, (like the one you’re talking about), you may be able to save the friendship by establishing new boundaries.  After all, you’re now bringing a new-found sense of self, (thanks to your higher self-esteem), to the relationship, so you’ll have to redefine how you both operate within the friendship. 

Let your friend know that when she does “x” it makes you feel “y,” and for the relationship to work you’re going to need her to start doing “z.” And mean it.

E.g. If you need her to show up when she says she’s going to show up, or call/text ahead of time when she’s running late or needs to cancel, tell her.  You can give her a warning for one goof-up if you like, but let her know that you’ll have to let her go if she does it again.

When talking, make sure to focus on the request you’re making, and not your criticism of her behavior.  That way you’ll keep the conversation focused on what you hope to get out it – which is a different behavior – opposed to a conversation full of blame on your part, and defensiveness and excuses on hers.  (And for more advice on having hard conversations, I highly recommend this article by Iyanla Vanzant.)

If she decides to stay and respect your new boundaries, (and therefore the healthier you), great! She may be a good friendship fit for you after all. If not, she may either disappear and come back later when she’s changed, or she may never come back at all.  But, rest assured, that in the space that she leaves in your life, someone who’s a better fit for the new and improved you will come in and fill that space perfectly.  Works every time.

Best of luck!

Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

What She Knows for Sure: Damn Good Advice on Life From a 90-Year Old Grandma

 

giphy-59
Oh, if only grandma had said that… If only grandma had said that 😅

*UPDATE: CLICK HERER FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE*

 

Well, it’s that time again…  That time when I get so busy doing other stuff in life that I skimp out on answering a question and in its place give you all something way better than any advice I could ever give: Advice from someone who knows WAAAAAYYYYYYY more than me.

Friends, if ever there was solid advice to be found on the internet it is in Marc Chernoff’s “19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday.”  It is pure fire.

While most of grandma’s advice requires a shift in mentality, (e.g. many people live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing that they can customize everything), as someone who began making those shifts years ago I promise you that it’s worth it.

Additionally, most of the advice goes against mainstream ideas, (e.g. “sensitivity is a super power,” and “most of the time you don’t need more to be happier – you need less”), but as Thoreau once said, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” so to even have a shot at a good life, accepting that you’ll have to embrace a mentality that looks quite different from those around you comes with the territory.

Sure, this advice may be setting you up for an extra heaping of alienation at times – (okay, it totally is.  I mean, who are we kidding, marching to the beat of your own drum means others will not always hear your music.  [And don’t forget we went over trade-offs in “The Dirty Little Secret to Living the Life of Your Dreams…”])  But if you (1) prioritize how you feel, and (2) accept the fact that it’s more important for you to get you than for others to get you, you’ll be alright with it in the end.

So, go ahead and listen to grandma.  And, like everything else, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.  And for those of you sex symbols who can use it, may her grandmotherly advice give you any guidance, reassurance, and courage you need to continue to blaze your own path.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

Click here for “19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday”

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

What’s the point of a relationship?

giphy-37.gif

Dear Megan,

So please answer this. We want to be in a relationship with someone we can depend on, but we aren’t supposed to depend on others emotionally.  So what’s the point of even being with anyone? Seems like a catch 22.

-Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Needy

 


Dear “Needy” lol,

Hey, great question!  Thanks for writing! The answer is: sex.  Thanks, again!

Lol, just kidding…  Well, not really.  But I’m assuming you want a westernized, post-romantic era answer, so that, my friend, is what you will get ;)… (Oh, and since we’re dealing with romantic relationships here, I won’t go into those of the family/friend/co-worker/etc. variety, but I’m sure some of this stuff will still apply to them, too).

To begin with, let me just say that there was a time when I related to your confusion/frustration over relationships.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I even share the moment where I (metaphorically) shook my fist up at the sky and cursed the heavens for my seemingly unshakable desire for unconditional love with a rock-solid companion that seemed to prefer playing hide-and-seek with me.  So, yeah, you’ve definitely come to the right place.

And to answer your question, “What is the point of a relationship?” well, the answer is pretty much two-fold.  We enter relationships: (1) to enhance what we already have, and (2) to grow. 

Lemme explain. 

Dependability is a wonderful, feel-goody quality – (and since you’ve undoubtedly experienced what a lack of it in another feels like I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sell you on that trait) – hence why we desire it so much in a mate.  However, we were never meant to become dependent on others for anything we can give ourselves.

People are fickle.  And I say that not in a bitter “trust no one” tone, but in a “people got their own sh*t going on and therefore can’t be stable enough to meet your needs consistently” one.   Fortunately, we were all born with the ability to tap into whatever emotional reserves we need to buoy ourselves up at any given time, so we don’t need to depend on another for (emotional) oxygen when we have our own supply. (And while it might take some of us a while to find our own supply, trust me, it’s there.)

Does that make relationships useless?  Not really.

While I admit that relationships aren’t necessary for a happy and fulfilling life – (recall that I believe that nothing outside of yourself can make you happy) – nor do you need relationships for getting through tough times, observing and interacting with others in a harmonious and loving way just flat-out feels good.  And since loving and supporting yourself feels good, and others doing it to/with you feels good, you end up with an orgy of feel-goods!  Or, more academically speaking, we invite relationships into our life to compound good feelings. We just love the cherry-on-top fun, love, and support they can bring.

Less enthusiastically, we also get into relationships as a vehicle for growthWhen we open ourselves up emotionally to another, they’re then able to trigger things deep down inside of us that we subconsciously want to heal or change for further expansion/growth.  That’s why a “soulmate” can bring you both great joy, and great misery.  Facing stuff inside of you that you don’t like and want to change can range from feeling slightly uncomfortable to downright painful.  Nonetheless, that person’s ability to “get to you” is why you entered into a relationship with them.  Whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not.  (Sorry, lol.)

So, there you have it, “Needy.”  The point of a relationship is to magnify whatever you got goin’ on at the time.  Whether you want to compound the awesomeness you’re experiencing, the support you need, and/or just become aware of something undesirable inside of you, “there’s a significant other for that.”

Just make sure that your “want” for a relationship doesn’t turn into a “need” if you want to reap the full benefits of all the wonderful stuff relationships have to offer. Otherwise you’ll keep finding yourself stuck in Oz, when, like Dorothy, you have the power to get yourself home all along.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.