How do you know if someone is “The One?” This one guy I know keeps coming back from time to time, and I can’t stop thinking about him. I hear old songs and am reminded of him, and after every breakup with other guys I go back to thinking of him.
Are there signs if someone is the person you’re meant to be with forever? Like, will his name just keep coming up? Or maybe your family and their family get along? Or is all that just a coincidence.
-Looking For My “Neo”
Dear “Looking For My ‘Neo,’”
As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; and by the sound of it, you’ve been exposed to enough purely seasonal and “reasonal” people that you’re ready for your “lifetime” person already, lol… Your “soulmate…” “The One…” But you’re confused. How are you supposed to know who this mysterious bastard is when you come across him so that you don’t eff things up! Well, good question. I’ll tell you on my deathbed after I’ve lived a lifetime and have had concrete proof. Haha, j/k. Let’s get into it.
To begin with, I first want to clarify that there’s not only nothing wrong with the “reason and season” people who temporarily come into your life to offer you life lessons, but they’re just as essential in helping you grow into the person you want to be as the Lifetime person. Consequently, all three types of people are “The One” for you, some are just it for a shorter time.
But I get it, many of us want “The One” one. Someone we can grow with AND grow old with. That person who knows and loves us so deeply over decades of time that we not only don’t have to keep explaining ourselves to new people, but we end up belonging to a beautiful relationship that can’t help but create an atmosphere for unconditional love to thrive.
Gives me “lady wood” just thinking about it.
So, we meet people, get excited, and wonder, is this “The One” that I can spend the rest of my life with? Is this “The One” I can (and should) settle down with, have fun with, share my secrets with, grow with, heal with, and in some cases, (if you like to wait), sleep with?
Well, whether you end up getting this information from a pastor like Bishop TD Jakes who said, “What left me couldn’t stay, and what stayed couldn’t leave me,” or relationship expert, Tracy McMillan, who reminded us in her book, Why You’re Not Married… Yet, that if a man leaves he’s not your man, or even life experience, the simple truth is that the only way to know if someone is the one for you is… drumroll please… if they stay!
Anyone else who comes into your life was simply a reason or season person, but the person who stays is THE ONE. Like, THEE ONE.
Now, if you don’t like “The One,” or the relationship you have with this persistent S.O.B, you might want to become a new “one,” (aka person), so that you can attract a better match. You know, the whole to find a soulmate you must mate with your soul first principle. This means you need to take some time to get in touch with who really are, and what you really want deep down, so that you attract what’s harmonious with your deepest desires.
In that case you’ll want to sit down, go quiet, and get back in touch with how you want to FEEL in a relationship. Getting in touch with what feels good, (not what looks good), will cause you to exude different “good-feeling” energy and consequently act differently, which will cause you to attract different things.
If that person that you were involved with is still a match to what you really want deep down, you guys will be able to work through whatever differences you guys have and live to “fight another day.” If not, he’ll simply become another reason or season person, leaving you in a position to then attract a more harmonious AND peaceful relationship in your life.
So, for now, you can rest assured knowing that, in the end, time is the only thing that tells the truth, and “The One” will reveal himself to you in it. In the meantime, with whoever you find yourself attracted to, give it time. Get to know the person and let them know you. The real you. If they’re truly for you they’ll stick with you through both your pleasant sides and also your not-so-pleasant sides. And remember, you can’t F*ck things up with “The One.” That’s what makes them “The One.” Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.