Tag: should we get married

How to Know if Someone is ‘The One’

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

How do you know if someone is “The One?”  This one guy I know keeps coming back from time to time, and I can’t stop thinking about him.  I hear old songs and am reminded of him, and after every breakup with other guys I go back to thinking of him.

 Are there signs if someone is the person you’re meant to be with forever? Like, will his name just keep coming up?  Or maybe your family and their family get along?  Or is all that just a coincidence.

 Sincerely,

-Looking For My “Neo”

 

FOR THE YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER CLICK HERE!

Dear “Looking For My ‘Neo,’”

As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; and by the sound of it, you’ve been exposed to enough purely seasonal and “reasonal” people that you’re ready for your “lifetime” person already, lol…  Your “soulmate…”  “The One…”  But you’re confused.  How are you supposed to know who this mysterious bastard is when you come across him so that you don’t eff things up! Well, good question.  I’ll tell you on my deathbed after I’ve lived a lifetime and have had concrete proof.  Haha, j/k.  Let’s get into it.

To begin with, I first want to clarify that there’s not only nothing wrong with the “reason and season” people who temporarily come into your life to offer you life lessons, but they’re just as essential in helping you grow into the person you want to be as the Lifetime person.  Consequently, all three types of people are “The One” for you, some are just it for a shorter time.

But I get it, many of us want “The One” one.  Someone we can grow with AND grow old with.  That person who knows and loves us so deeply over decades of time that we not only don’t have to keep explaining ourselves to new people, but we end up belonging to a beautiful relationship that can’t help but create an atmosphere for unconditional love to thrive.

Gives me “lady wood” just thinking about it.

So, we meet people, get excited, and wonder, is this “The One” that I can spend the rest of my life with?  Is this “The One” I can (and should) settle down with, have fun with, share my secrets with, grow with, heal with, and in some cases, (if you like to wait), sleep with?

Well, whether you end up getting this information from a pastor like Bishop TD Jakes who said, “What left me couldn’t stay, and what stayed couldn’t leave me,” or relationship expert, Tracy McMillan, who reminded us in her book, Why You’re Not Married… Yet, that if a man leaves he’s not your man, or even life experience, the simple truth is that the only way to know if someone is the one for you is…  drumroll please… if they stay!

Anyone else who comes into your life was simply a reason or season person, but the person who stays is THE ONE.  Like, THEE ONE.

Now, if you don’t like “The One,” or the relationship you have with this persistent S.O.B, you might want to become a new “one,” (aka person), so that you can attract a better match.  You know, the whole to find a soulmate you must mate with your soul first principle.  This means you need to take some time to get in touch with who really are, and what you really want deep down, so that you attract what’s harmonious with your deepest desires.

In that case you’ll want to sit down, go quiet, and get back in touch with how you want to FEEL in a relationship.  Getting in touch with what feels good, (not what looks good), will cause you to exude different “good-feeling” energy and consequently act differently, which will cause you to attract different things.

If that person that you were involved with is still a match to what you really want deep down, you guys will be able to work through whatever differences you guys have and live to “fight another day.”  If not, he’ll simply become another reason or season person, leaving you in a position to then attract a more harmonious AND peaceful relationship in your life.

So, for now, you can rest assured knowing that, in the end, time is the only thing that tells the truth, and “The One” will reveal himself to you in it.  In the meantime, with whoever you find yourself attracted to, give it time.  Get to know the person and let them know you.  The real you.  If they’re truly for you they’ll stick with you through both your pleasant sides and also your not-so-pleasant sides.  And remember, you can’t F*ck things up with “The One.”  That’s what makes them “The One.” Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

The secret to a wonderful relationship

tashacaufield2 Comments
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How this article would have ended if I tried to provide the answer myself

Hey sexy ladies and gents,

Alright, so I’m crazy busy banging out a draft of my next book before upcoming Thanksgiving travel, and am too swamped to answer a question this week, so, basically, I’mma pull a teacher move and turn down the lights and play a video.

But don’t worry, it’s a super good, eleven-minute video featuring the best advice I’ve ever heard on relationships.  Since I’ve never been in a marriage that lasted a little over 30 years like the woman in the video – (heck, that’s about how long I’ve been alive) – I decided to bring in the big guns for this week’s Q & A.

As someone who’s never seen a long-lasting and loving romantic relationship – you know, one that’s just dripping with endless adoration – modeled up close, this woman and her now-deceased husband, have served as my role model.  During the decades they traveled the country teaching weekly seminars, their deep love, devotion, and respect for each other was readily observable.  And in this video the woman shares their “secret sauce,” which I will now share with you, “my peeps.”

Before we get into it, I know some of you have been curious about how to even pick a mate worth doing the work necessary to live happily ever after with.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” I covered the “head vs heart” debate, which gives you an understanding on how to use these two inner guides to make decisions that not only fulfill your deepest desires, but feel good when you’re doing it.

And when answering some of your previous questions, (like this one), I relayed the most important criteria one should have when looking for a mate.  Which is summarized best by Harville Hendrix when he asserts that the best one can hope for is to find someone you have chemistry with, AND who’s aware of their issues and willing to do the work relationships require to grow over time.

So, now that you know what to look for in a partner if you want a dynamic and long-lasting relationship, and how to use your inner guide to weed through your romantic options, let’s focus on the mental state you need to cultivate in order to decide if a person’s worth going “all in” for during the courting period.

As Iyanla Vanzant states: “We can only control our own choices, our own actions.  It’s not our place to make the other person in a relationship do any particular thing.  I don’t get to tell people how to love me.  I get to see how they love, and then choose if I want to participate.”

So, before you start sweating over the small, (or big), stuff, take as much time to as you need to really get to know a person.  Observe how they love, and what their values and principles are.  And as Mama Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”  If you like what you see, now you can start thinking about creating a wonderful relationship, which brings me to this week’s advice via video.

It’s important to state that to fully appreciate the advice you’d have to first buy into the idea that you have the power to create your own reality (i.e. “deliberately create”).  That doesn’t mean that you can control everything that happens to you, but it does mean that you can determine your emotional response, or how you experience the event.  With this mentality, you don’t need anything outside of you to change to feel love towards someone; which is, ultimately, the definition of unconditional love, (a necessity ingredient for a happy and long-lasting relationship).

The advice encourages us to take responsibility for our own emotions in a relationship, and not make it another person’s job to make us feel good, or soothe our insecurities.  That pretty much goes against everything we’re taught in society, from childhood up.  But then again, in a society where happy, life-long relationships aren’t the norm, “If you want to have unconventional success, you can’t be guided by conventional wisdom,” as Stephen Covey says.

And, finally, we are advised to be “solution-oriented” when problems arise.  This requires us to sometimes ignore the other until we’re in a place where we allow love to, once again, flow through us.  A place the advice-giver calls “the vortex.”

I hope this advice helps you all as much as it has helped me in my own personal life; and I am happy to report that the questioner in the video came back years later claiming to still be as happy as ever in the relationship she originally sought advice about.

And now, without further ado, I give you Abraham Hicks’ “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship.”  Enjoy!

-Megan 🙂

P.S.  If this video is ever disabled, just type “Abraham Hicks The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship” into YouTube until it is brought to my attention.  Thanks, and I’ll be back next time with more answers to more of your questions!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Why won’t he propose?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment
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WARNING: Obsessions with getting a ring can lead to loss of teeth, baggy eyes, pasty skin, and extreme weight loss.

Dear Megan,

Okay. Here goes. My boyfriend of 4 years bought a ring in Jan/Feb, which I wasn’t meant to know about, but he did a silly thing in the process of buying which meant I then found out about it. Anyway… 9 months later he still hasn’t proposed and it has become such a huge issue in our relationship.

I don’t understand why he bought the ring if he wasn’t planning on proposing any time soon. He keeps telling me that he wants it to be special, yet there have been plenty of opportunities for a special proposal. Meanwhile, about 3 months ago he bought me a promise ring which confused me further as I feel as though he’s trying to put off proposing.

I feel like he’s changed his mind. I desperately want to be engaged and all my friends are getting engaged/married, and I so desperately want to be able to say to the world we are, too. I know he has the ring, and supposedly wants to be married, too, but he just won’t pop the question. We argue about it a lot, and I just don’t really know what to do anymore.

Why hasn’t he proposed? Is something wrong? Please help!!

-Misses Gollum

 

Dear “Misses Gollum,”

Good Lord, nine months is a helluva long time to be waiting around for a ring that’s sitting in the other room. Bummer that you found out about it… And then got a promise ring… I guess that’s sorta better than getting a “shut-up ring,” (which is what most engagement rings turn into when a girl keeps nagging.) Hell, you got two rings outta your frustration, so it’s definitely better! But I digress. On to your question.

So, you wanna know why he hasn’t proposed, huh? What the hold-up is… Well, unless your dude’s lying to you, (or himself), it looks like he actually already told you. He wants it to be special, which for him may not only mean waiting for the right physical space/way, but the right mental one.

You see, a lot of wolves have gotten pretty tired of us women pressuring them into getting married, only to be the first one to turn around, file for divorce when our fantasy of married life doesn’t match the reality of it, and potentially take half of their shit. So, here, we gotta give it to the fellas and their long-sighted approach.

Now, what this means for you is that while, technically, your concern that he’s putting it off is right, that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong. While many women in your shoes would see his hesitation as a sign of commitment issues, or something like that, the truth of the matter is that many times, when a man is holding off from marrying a woman he loves and does want to have a future with, it’s because he’s afraid of one thing and one thing only: a bad marriage. (And, unfortunately, nagging only feeds any fear of being stuck in a bad marriage with a selfish, demanding devil-woman. Crikey.)

Yep, as strange as it is, despite their dimness in many other areas, a lot of men often figure out earlier than women that there’s a difference between being married and being happily married. And your guy’s lack of urgency is most likely due to him just wanting to make sure that things start out on the right foot.

So, my advice? Instead, of pressuring him to do something that he is in some way not ready to do, use this time to focus on making sure you have the right foundation for a life-long marriage.

Make sure your values when it comes to top marriage-killers – like money, religion, infidelity, illness, and kids – are aligned. Double-check your intimacy needs and each other’s capacity and willingness to satisfy them. Participate in relationship counseling in person or with a book like “Getting the Love You Want,” by Harville Hendrix, in order to get to know each other on an even deeper level. And come up with a solid game plan for how you’re going to deal with life’s unexpected challenges together.

Once everything checks out, and both of you are confident that you have what it takes to go the distance, communicate your engagement time-frame desires to your beau, and find out what his are. If both of you are on the same page, you should be able to come up with a “by Christmas” or “by summer” type of date that you both feel good about. Then, let it go, and enjoy your life. After all, the real secret to a good marriage is two, happy and whole people coming together and enjoying the shit out of life with each other.

If, however, you two can’t settle on a “by” date, or you do and he backs out of it?… Well, time to start working on your Beyoncé “Single Ladies” wave, and picking winners.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your engagement in advance. It looks like you got a good one.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.