Tag: how to know if he’s the one

What Should I Look For In A Man And A Relationship?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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So, these are the questions…:

“Dear Megan,

I broke up with my fiancé of 9 months, and now it’s been 3 months and I still don’t know if it was the right decision. The reason why I broke up is because there were small things that bothered me that started to build up. Looking back at it, I feel like it’s things I can help him with to grow and I shouldn’t have abandoned him, yet then again, he never seemed to put in the effort. Am I a bad person for wanting to I change him?”

“Dear Megan,

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 months. He’s bipolar so he calls me really early in the am and I didn’t want to wake up the rest of my family members so I hung up on him. Two hours later I messaged him, ‘What’s up?’ And I get this as a response: Sorry but I need someone who will be there for me when I need them to and clearly you cannot do that. And he also writes we really could have been amazing together and it kills me to say this but lose my number. And he also blocked me from everything – his phone, all social media… I can’t understand why he would get so upset over something so silly. I really loved him, and this is driving me crazy because I thought that he loved me.  Why do you think he did this, and do you think that he will be back?”

“Dear Megan,

I am seeking guidance to my situation as I’ve lost all hope and I have no idea what to do. I have been with my current partner for approaching 5yrs. We have loads in common and I love him to bits but we have never had any sex life. I just don’t feel special or important to him. He’s not prepared to get any help for his issues, I’ve offered to go with him to talk to someone but I think he’d be more prepared to let me walk away than to try and sort it out, which to me says our relationship isn’t important to him. After nearly 5yrs am I wasting my time?”

Sincerely,

-Confused Gals of the Universe

FOR THE VIDEO/YOUTUBE VERSION OF THIS ANSWER CLICK HERE!!

Dear “Confused Gals of the Universe,”

Now, not only to kill multiple birds with one stone – (I mean, I’m lazy, but not that lazy, lol) – but to stick by my preference of teaching y’all how to fish opposed to giving y’all fish, I’m going to respond to these questions by sharing the FOUR things a professional counselor shared with me when I was once confused about what one should looking for in a man and relationship worth staying in and fighting for. 

And in no particular order, those things are:

  • Chemistry, (of course).  In its most easily identifiable terms, this means that you’re with someone that you want to touch…  Kiss..  Hug…  And “bang.”  Now, with that said, since these feelings can not only come and go, but can cause some to over-look other important things in a satisfying relationship, (like good treatment), it’s very important to balance it out with the other three criteria. But, yeah, he can’t just be a “nice guy.”  You gotta want to touch the boy.
  • Intellectual Connection.  While you two may not be into all of the same things, or have the same educational background, it is important that the other person understand you when you speak, (lol).  And note that I’m not saying that your partner should automatically get your emotions the first time they’re conveyed.  (It takes genuine curiosity, respect, and a strong desire to do so for a partner to get past their own seemingly-conflicting needs and truly hear you; as well as patience on your part to work with him until he does. [And vice versa when needed.])  I’m saying that you should feel like you’re on “the same level” so that you can converse with your partner about your interests.  This is what allows for the foundation of friendship.
  • Safety.  A feeling of safety in the relationship is not only a big one because it manifests in so many ways, but it takes a lot of time to fully accomplish and see if it’s there.  Not only do you need to feel safe physically, which is only determined after experiencing adversities.  (How does he treat you when he’s upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, or feels like he’s losing something, etc.?)  But it’s important to feel safe emotionally.  Can you be vulnerable, open, and honest about everything with this person.  Does he have your back?  Is he willing to protect and provide for you? Is he devoted and dedicated to you and the relationship? If you value monogamy, does he? Do you two have other shared values like marriage, family, and a commitment to work things out during tough times?…  Feeling safe will make room for trust and allow you to let your walls down and become a true team player.  But remember, actions speak louder than words, so be prepared to give this box time before checking it off.
  • Love For Each Other.  Simply put, do you two care for each other?  Do you want the best for each other?  Support each other?  And respect each other?  This love you two share for each other will be the glue that will help you guys weather the storms, push each of you to communicate when tired, seek counseling when needed, and even learn each other’s “love language” if either of you don’t speak it naturally.

*Bonus criteria I can’t help but add!*

  • Your gut’s approval!  I know you might feel like you gut is broken or “misguided,” or that you simply don’t have enough life experience to put faith in it, but trust me, your instincts won’t fail you because deep down you know if something’s good for you or not.  So, learn to trust your emotional guidance system by, guess what, trusting it!  But, yeah, I know it’s hard so that’s why I laid out the criteria that’ll help you when you’re having trouble trusting yourself.  But at the end of the day, just know that if this guy and his behavior feels consistently good, you can go with it.  If it doesn’t feel consistently good, and you find yourself making excuses for bad behavior, let your courage and faith help you in walking away.  After all, remember, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!”  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

How to Know if Someone is ‘The One’

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

How do you know if someone is “The One?”  This one guy I know keeps coming back from time to time, and I can’t stop thinking about him.  I hear old songs and am reminded of him, and after every breakup with other guys I go back to thinking of him.

 Are there signs if someone is the person you’re meant to be with forever? Like, will his name just keep coming up?  Or maybe your family and their family get along?  Or is all that just a coincidence.

 Sincerely,

-Looking For My “Neo”

 

FOR THE YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER CLICK HERE!

Dear “Looking For My ‘Neo,’”

As the saying goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime; and by the sound of it, you’ve been exposed to enough purely seasonal and “reasonal” people that you’re ready for your “lifetime” person already, lol…  Your “soulmate…”  “The One…”  But you’re confused.  How are you supposed to know who this mysterious bastard is when you come across him so that you don’t eff things up! Well, good question.  I’ll tell you on my deathbed after I’ve lived a lifetime and have had concrete proof.  Haha, j/k.  Let’s get into it.

To begin with, I first want to clarify that there’s not only nothing wrong with the “reason and season” people who temporarily come into your life to offer you life lessons, but they’re just as essential in helping you grow into the person you want to be as the Lifetime person.  Consequently, all three types of people are “The One” for you, some are just it for a shorter time.

But I get it, many of us want “The One” one.  Someone we can grow with AND grow old with.  That person who knows and loves us so deeply over decades of time that we not only don’t have to keep explaining ourselves to new people, but we end up belonging to a beautiful relationship that can’t help but create an atmosphere for unconditional love to thrive.

Gives me “lady wood” just thinking about it.

So, we meet people, get excited, and wonder, is this “The One” that I can spend the rest of my life with?  Is this “The One” I can (and should) settle down with, have fun with, share my secrets with, grow with, heal with, and in some cases, (if you like to wait), sleep with?

Well, whether you end up getting this information from a pastor like Bishop TD Jakes who said, “What left me couldn’t stay, and what stayed couldn’t leave me,” or relationship expert, Tracy McMillan, who reminded us in her book, Why You’re Not Married… Yet, that if a man leaves he’s not your man, or even life experience, the simple truth is that the only way to know if someone is the one for you is…  drumroll please… if they stay!

Anyone else who comes into your life was simply a reason or season person, but the person who stays is THE ONE.  Like, THEE ONE.

Now, if you don’t like “The One,” or the relationship you have with this persistent S.O.B, you might want to become a new “one,” (aka person), so that you can attract a better match.  You know, the whole to find a soulmate you must mate with your soul first principle.  This means you need to take some time to get in touch with who really are, and what you really want deep down, so that you attract what’s harmonious with your deepest desires.

In that case you’ll want to sit down, go quiet, and get back in touch with how you want to FEEL in a relationship.  Getting in touch with what feels good, (not what looks good), will cause you to exude different “good-feeling” energy and consequently act differently, which will cause you to attract different things.

If that person that you were involved with is still a match to what you really want deep down, you guys will be able to work through whatever differences you guys have and live to “fight another day.”  If not, he’ll simply become another reason or season person, leaving you in a position to then attract a more harmonious AND peaceful relationship in your life.

So, for now, you can rest assured knowing that, in the end, time is the only thing that tells the truth, and “The One” will reveal himself to you in it.  In the meantime, with whoever you find yourself attracted to, give it time.  Get to know the person and let them know you.  The real you.  If they’re truly for you they’ll stick with you through both your pleasant sides and also your not-so-pleasant sides.  And remember, you can’t F*ck things up with “The One.”  That’s what makes them “The One.” Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Is true love easy and effortless?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

This question is in my head a lot at the moment. I’m struggling to decide if my ex just wasn’t the one, or if we both put walls up and didn’t try hard enough to push through them, (I know I certainly did). 

One month after the breakup, I know where I went wrong, I just wouldn’t “let him in.”  He tried to help me with this, but I was way too careful about protecting myself.  Now that I’ve got nothing left to lose I realize that I should have trusted him and opened up. Maybe things would be different. He was also careful to guard himself, though, but in a different way. There was clearly a lack of communication. I think he was more aware of this than me, at the time anyway.  

When I last spoke to my ex just after the breakup I said, “I know I didn’t try hard enough but I was scared.” He replied, “You shouldn’t have to try.”  Do you agree? 

Does true love just happen?  Should it be easy and effortless, or do you still have to work through some issues?  And if you do, how do you know if the relationship’s one to work on, or one to walk away from? 

-Deep in Thought

 

Dear Deep in Thought,

Good questions!  And given your introspective, what-do-I-need-to-learn-from-this-breakup way of thinking I’d say you’re definitely on track to experiencing the “true love” you seek.  All I hope to do now is help you separate fact from fiction so you can recognize that quality relationship when it’s in front of you. Does true love just happen?  Should the relationship be easy and effortless?  And if relationships do require work, how do you know which one to work on, and which one to walk away from?

To begin with, I feel your pain.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I mention the many “you’re cute and all, but not worth the trouble” wolves – (that’s guys for all you newcomers) – that came in and out of my life.   They’re there for a fun ride, but can’t handle the speed bumps that inevitably occur during the “intimacy freak-out” stage – (that’s when you start to get close, become uncomfortable when more vulnerability and trust is required, and then do something dramatic to create a bit of distance between the two of you in an effort to feel safe and secure again).  “It should be easy,” is usually one of the last things those guys say when everything’s over; and, left feeling like damaged goods from childhood wounds and past relationships, you wonder, “Should it?”

Well, to answer your first question, is true love effortless? YES.  Are relationships? NO.  Now stick with me while I go deep for a second.  (Tee hee, “that’s what he said.”  Okay, serious face.)  “True love,” to be clear, is a force, or energy, or whatever you want to call it, that naturally exists in the universe.  You don’t have to do anything to gain access to it just as you don’t have to do anything for the sun to rise in the morning.  It’s your birthright.  You did nothing to deserve it.  It’s just there.  Enjoy.  One day you’re born, and boom, you can feel love for whatever, and whomever, (including yourself), whenever you’re open to it.  If you’re like most of us you may have developed beliefs about yourself and your fellow human beings that often block your ability to perceive love, but it’s still there.  And the second you let your guard down, forget your hindering story of unworthiness, and accidentally look your pet, child, or dying parent in the eye, bam! You feel it.      

However, when it comes to love relationships, well that’s another story.  Consistently staying open to love and directing it, (through loving actions), towards someone with their own unique set of needs, expectations, and desires requires not only work, but a lot of it.  While you can love anybody, in order to have a mutually loving relationship with someone – involving things like sight, sound, and touch – you both need to come to understand each other in an out, learn what makes the other tick, and develop a game plan on healing whatever wounds you both bring to the table that block the flow of love between the two of you.  So yeah, work, or as you put it “effort,” is involved.  As well as time, understanding, compassion, patience, pain, dedication, some trials by fire, trust, vulnerability…

If you’re wondering how much work, well, the amount of effort involved is directly correlated to how prepared and experienced each person is in the process of cultivating love.  The more experience both people have at loving themselves and others before they enter the relationship the smoother things will be. (And as “practice makes progress” most past and – gulp – current relationships serve as that experience.)  But no pain, no gain.  So no matter how good at “loving” either party is coming in, if anyone is to grow from their current state and experience the deeper love your specific union offers, both people can expect to encounter some “growing pains” as conflicting beliefs or habits are exposed and shed. 

And now for your other brilliant question, “How do you know if you’re in a relationship that’s worth working on, or one you should walk away from?” Well, you stay when what’s being asked of you is something that will allow you to experience love in a deeper way, and you go when there’s no more room for growth.  

If staying means that you have the opportunity to practice letting go of a behavior and/or belief that has previously prevented you from experiencing intimacy and love in a safe environment, unpack your bags, put on some tea, and get to talkin’.  Conversely, it’s time to go when staying feels like stagnation or regression.  When the solution to whatever issue you two are having won’t help you to experience love in a deeper and fuller way, go.  Even if it just feels like something’s off.  Go.  Deep down you know what’s good for you.  And since there will always be another opportunity to grow in love you risk nothing when trusting yourself.  Your gut will never steer you wrong.

Lastly, on the journey to your amazing love affair, it’s important to remember that “Everything that has left you couldn’t stay, and everything that has stayed couldn’t leave you.”  You’ve lost nothing and no one necessary to fulfill your purpose and live the life of your dreams.  You’ve only gained things, like clarity.  Stay open to love.  And stay committed to loving yourself.  When you do that you’ll attract someone who will also love you, and he will stick.  No amount of trouble you give him will be able to drive him away – (trust me, I know).  He’ll be well-equipped for it.  Winston Churchill said, “I like a man who grins when he fights,” and it is that man, NOT the one who says, “it’s supposed to be easy,” who will stick it out with you, fight past you guys’ demons with you, and help co-create a loving relationship with you.  So chin up, girl.  True love is on its way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.