Happy Holidays, Sex Symbols

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Me, 2018 Birthday Celebration

Well, sexy ladies and gentle-wolves, the holiday season is upon us.

And when considering a gift for you all I thought, “What expression of love – more than anything else – do I think sex symbols crave?” The answer: INTIMACY…  Or “In-to-me-see,” as the spiritual gurus pronounce it.

So, instead of answering a question, I’ve decided to share with you all an unedited – (sorry) – excerpt from this morning’s entry in my journal. And I pray to GAWD I don’t regret it, lol…

This is the most personal thing I could ever share with anyone, and therefore my holiday present to you all, (as Lord knows I may get too busy to answer another question before the year is up.)

So “In-To-Me-See…”  And feel free to send me any of your journal entries.  I promise I won’t read them aloud to a group of strangers for shits and giggles.

Journal entry excerpt – November 8, 2018:

“If a person loves movies, and was groomed to write them, but instead went off and spent their life writing love letters are they wrong?… I am on a journey to know myself, and accept and love myself. To cheer on myself. And each moment I do so I win.

Not in any other moment. Not in any “achievement.” But in the moments I see myself, and allow myself to be how-ever, and who-ever I am.

Not blaming my identity on a past trauma, but seeing the beauty of my uniqueness.

It is my only job.

My only calling.

My life’s work…

To dance. To play. To support myself in both my goals and the moments where I lose my footing. To laugh it off and get up.

To rest when needed. To shelter others who are lost.

To allow love and support from whoever is strong enough to give it.

To participate in the balance of life. Leaving all judgment behind. And just being me…”

Happy holidays.  And take care of yourself, sex symbols.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

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What’s the point of a relationship?

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Dear Megan,

So please answer this. We want to be in a relationship with someone we can depend on, but we aren’t supposed to depend on others emotionally.  So what’s the point of even being with anyone? Seems like a catch 22.

-Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Needy

 


Dear “Needy” lol,

Hey, great question!  Thanks for writing! The answer is: sex.  Thanks, again!

Lol, just kidding…  Well, not really.  But I’m assuming you want a westernized, post-romantic era answer, so that, my friend, is what you will get ;)… (Oh, and since we’re dealing with romantic relationships here, I won’t go into those of the family/friend/co-worker/etc. variety, but I’m sure some of this stuff will still apply to them, too).

To begin with, let me just say that there was a time when I related to your confusion/frustration over relationships.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I even share the moment where I (metaphorically) shook my fist up at the sky and cursed the heavens for my seemingly unshakable desire for unconditional love with a rock-solid companion that seemed to prefer playing hide-and-seek with me.  So, yeah, you’ve definitely come to the right place.

And to answer your question, “What is the point of a relationship?” well, the answer is pretty much two-fold.  We enter relationships: (1) to enhance what we already have, and (2) to grow. 

Lemme explain. 

Dependability is a wonderful, feel-goody quality – (and since you’ve undoubtedly experienced what a lack of it in another feels like I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sell you on that trait) – hence why we desire it so much in a mate.  However, we were never meant to become dependent on others for anything we can give ourselves.

People are fickle.  And I say that not in a bitter “trust no one” tone, but in a “people got their own sh*t going on and therefore can’t be stable enough to meet your needs consistently” one.   Fortunately, we were all born with the ability to tap into whatever emotional reserves we need to buoy ourselves up at any given time, so we don’t need to depend on another for (emotional) oxygen when we have our own supply. (And while it might take some of us a while to find our own supply, trust me, it’s there.)

Does that make relationships useless?  Not really.

While I admit that relationships aren’t necessary for a happy and fulfilling life – (recall that I believe that nothing outside of yourself can make you happy) – nor do you need relationships for getting through tough times, observing and interacting with others in a harmonious and loving way just flat-out feels good.  And since loving and supporting yourself feels good, and others doing it to/with you feels good, you end up with an orgy of feel-goods!  Or, more academically speaking, we invite relationships into our life to compound good feelings. We just love the cherry-on-top fun, love, and support they can bring.

Less enthusiastically, we also get into relationships as a vehicle for growthWhen we open ourselves up emotionally to another, they’re then able to trigger things deep down inside of us that we subconsciously want to heal or change for further expansion/growth.  That’s why a “soulmate” can bring you both great joy, and great misery.  Facing stuff inside of you that you don’t like and want to change can range from feeling slightly uncomfortable to downright painful.  Nonetheless, that person’s ability to “get to you” is why you entered into a relationship with them.  Whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not.  (Sorry, lol.)

So, there you have it, “Needy.”  The point of a relationship is to magnify whatever you got goin’ on at the time.  Whether you want to compound the awesomeness you’re experiencing, the support you need, and/or just become aware of something undesirable inside of you, “there’s a significant other for that.”

Just make sure that your “want” for a relationship doesn’t turn into a “need” if you want to reap the full benefits of all the wonderful stuff relationships have to offer. Otherwise you’ll keep finding yourself stuck in Oz, when, like Dorothy, you have the power to get yourself home all along.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

‘If Only He Weren’t (Blank), He’d Be Perfect…’ Overcoming the Myth of ‘The Perfect Person’

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Ahhh… The blissful moments before you said, “So tell me about yourself.”

Alright sexy gals, (and the wolves who adore them ;)),

So, I’m going to bypass answering a question this week because I came across an article that is just too good to not share it with you guys.

When looking at a lot of the relationship problems many of you have, I’ve noticed that oftentimes a relationship fails not because the two people involved don’t feel a love connection that also challenges them in all the right ways, but because at least one of the persons involved is “ensnared by the vision of a perfect person,” (as the article I’m about to share with you puts it).

To be clear, I believe that the four “must haves” – (as laid out by one of my favorite counselors) – in a relationship are:

CHEMISTRY

SAFETY

INTELLECTUAL CONNECTION

and

LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER

And the way you can tell if you’re ensnared by your vision of the perfect person is if you find yourself saying or thinking things like, “If only he/she weren’t (blank), he/she would be perfect,” and that “blank” goes beyond the four must-haves.

As some of you may recall, in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I went to great lengths, and bared all, (hashtag blushing!), so that those of you who struggle with finding real love can get the support you need in cultivating it within yourself, and then with another.  After all, love is about what you can give, not get, and you can’t give what you don’t have.

It all starts there.

And now I’m happy to share with you guys yet another barrier that can prevent you from realizing the loving relationship you seek.  And guess what?  It’s masked by our fantasies of a perfect person.

This article not only gives us the real skinny on our dreams of meeting the perfect person, but it completely destroys that dream due to its basis in a myth.  My hope is that once “woke” you will be free to create the type of dream that will allow you to experience a loving relationship in real life, haha; and release any expectations, (aka “potential premediated resentments”), that would have prevented you from continuously nurturing said loving relationship once you found it.

So now, without further ado, I give you Charles Chu’s “The Myth of the ‘Perfect Person.'”

May it provide you with any additional wisdom and courage you need to go forth and create perfect love with an imperfect person.

-Megan 🙂

“The Myth of the ‘Perfect Person'” Article

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Is true love easy and effortless?

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Dear Megan,

This question is in my head a lot at the moment. I’m struggling to decide if my ex just wasn’t the one, or if we both put walls up and didn’t try hard enough to push through them, (I know I certainly did). 

One month after the breakup, I know where I went wrong, I just wouldn’t “let him in.”  He tried to help me with this, but I was way too careful about protecting myself.  Now that I’ve got nothing left to lose I realize that I should have trusted him and opened up. Maybe things would be different. He was also careful to guard himself, though, but in a different way. There was clearly a lack of communication. I think he was more aware of this than me, at the time anyway.  

When I last spoke to my ex just after the breakup I said, “I know I didn’t try hard enough but I was scared.” He replied, “You shouldn’t have to try.”  Do you agree? 

Does true love just happen?  Should it be easy and effortless, or do you still have to work through some issues?  And if you do, how do you know if the relationship’s one to work on, or one to walk away from? 

-Deep in Thought

 


Dear Deep in Thought,

Good questions!  And given your introspective, what-do-I-need-to-learn-from-this-breakup way of thinking I’d say you’re definitely on track to experiencing the “true love” you seek.  All I hope to do now is help you separate fact from fiction so you can recognize that quality relationship when it’s in front of you. Does true love just happen?  Should the relationship be easy and effortless?  And if relationships do require work, how do you know which one to work on, and which one to walk away from?

To begin with, I feel your pain.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I mention the many “you’re cute and all, but not worth the trouble” wolves – (that’s guys for all you newcomers) – that came in and out of my life.   They’re there for a fun ride, but can’t handle the speed bumps that inevitably occur during the “intimacy freak-out” stage – (that’s when you start to get close, become uncomfortable when more vulnerability and trust is required, and then do something dramatic to create a bit of distance between the two of you in an effort to feel safe and secure again).  “It should be easy,” is usually one of the last things those guys say when everything’s over; and, left feeling like damaged goods from childhood wounds and past relationships, you wonder, “Should it?”

Well, to answer your first question, is true love effortless? YES.  Are relationships? NO.  Now stick with me while I go deep for a second.  (Tee hee, “that’s what he said.”  Okay, serious face.)  “True love,” to be clear, is a force, or energy, or whatever you want to call it, that naturally exists in the universe.  You don’t have to do anything to gain access to it just as you don’t have to do anything for the sun to rise in the morning.  It’s your birthright.  You did nothing to deserve it.  It’s just there.  Enjoy.  One day you’re born, and boom, you can feel love for whatever, and whomever, (including yourself), whenever you’re open to it.  If you’re like most of us you may have developed beliefs about yourself and your fellow human beings that often block your ability to perceive love, but it’s still there.  And the second you let your guard down, forget your hindering story of unworthiness, and accidentally look your pet, child, or dying parent in the eye, bam! You feel it.      

However, when it comes to love relationships, well that’s another story.  Consistently staying open to love and directing it, (through loving actions), towards someone with their own unique set of needs, expectations, and desires requires not only work, but a lot of it.  While you can love anybody, in order to have a mutually loving relationship with someone – involving things like sight, sound, and touch – you both need to come to understand each other in an out, learn what makes the other tick, and develop a game plan on healing whatever wounds you both bring to the table that block the flow of love between the two of you.  So yeah, work, or as you put it “effort,” is involved.  As well as time, understanding, compassion, patience, pain, dedication, some trials by fire, trust, vulnerability…

If you’re wondering how much work, well, the amount of effort involved is directly correlated to how prepared and experienced each person is in the process of cultivating love.  The more experience both people have at loving themselves and others before they enter the relationship the smoother things will be. (And as “practice makes progress” most past and – gulp – current relationships serve as that experience.)  But no pain, no gain.  So no matter how good at “loving” either party is coming in, if anyone is to grow from their current state and experience the deeper love your specific union offers, both people can expect to encounter some “growing pains” as conflicting beliefs or habits are exposed and shed. 

And now for your other brilliant question, “How do you know if you’re in a relationship that’s worth working on, or one you should walk away from?” Well, you stay when what’s being asked of you is something that will allow you to experience love in a deeper way, and you go when there’s no more room for growth.  

If staying means that you have the opportunity to practice letting go of a behavior and/or belief that has previously prevented you from experiencing intimacy and love in a safe environment, unpack your bags, put on some tea, and get to talkin’.  Conversely, it’s time to go when staying feels like stagnation or regression.  When the solution to whatever issue you two are having won’t help you to experience love in a deeper and fuller way, go.  Even if it just feels like something’s off.  Go.  Deep down you know what’s good for you.  And since there will always be another opportunity to grow in love you risk nothing when trusting yourself.  Your gut will never steer you wrong.

Lastly, on the journey to your amazing love affair, it’s important to remember that “Everything that has left you couldn’t stay, and everything that has stayed couldn’t leave you.”  You’ve lost nothing and no one necessary to fulfill your purpose and live the life of your dreams.  You’ve only gained things, like clarity.  Stay open to love.  And stay committed to loving yourself.  When you do that you’ll attract someone who will also love you, and he will stick.  No amount of trouble you give him will be able to drive him away – (trust me, I know).  He’ll be well-equipped for it.  Winston Churchill said, “I like a man who grins when he fights,” and it is that man, NOT the one who says, “it’s supposed to be easy,” who will stick it out with you, fight past you guys’ demons with you, and help co-create a loving relationship with you.  So chin up, girl.  True love is on its way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.