Tag: should I leave him

My boyfriend cheated on me with prostitutes… Now what?

tashacaufield5 Comments
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Cheaters have options, and so do you.

Dear Megan,

I just found out my bf of 3 years recently had a visit to a prostitute. I was looking into his text messages and I found texts for an escort’s location, price, and availability.  I was crying and stopped talking to him. Then he confessed. It was so devastating.

I have always been devoted and committed in this relationship. Throughout the relationship, he was caring, loving, and genuine. We were planning to live together, and plan on getting married.

When I confronted him, he told me he f’ed up, and was actually thinking about having kids together and planning to buy the ring two days ago. I asked him how many times he went when he was with me, he said two times.

He was totally ashamed, said he’s an awful person and a sociopath. He was crying on the phone, and said he still loves me and would see if I can forgive him and give him a chance. He said I am the nicest girlfriend he’s ever had. He promised he would not go again if I give him a chance. But he also said he will understand if I want to let it go and move on. I told him I needed time to think.

I know most people will tell me to stay away from him, but I just can’t imagine life without him. We do share the same sense of humor, and views, and the sex is good. I enjoy spending time with him.

We’ve invested 3 years together, and I would really hope that he will change into a better person. I was hoping to marry this guy and have a family together. I am worried of going through dating all over again…. I really regret that I have discovered this from checking his messages. Is it possible to give him a chance?

– The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free

 

Dear “The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free,”

The sex better be good with all the practice he’s getting, lol…  And with pros, too?!  Whose game wouldn’t improve if they got to play ball with Michael Jordan on a regular basis…  But, in all seriousness, it really doesn’t matter who he’s cheating on you with – we’re all women, after all.  The real issue is that he’s not meeting your expectation of monogamy.

As you stated, most people would tell you to run for the hills.  They’d quote Dr. Phil, (don’t judge me, ya’ll), and say, “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.”  And, on that, I tend to agree.  This wolf – (and anyone who has cheated, whether it’s with a prostitute or not) – is what you’d call a “high-risk investment.”  And only you know your level of risk tolerance.

What this really boils down to is knowing what you want in a man and in a relationship. (And I offer my two cents on figuring that out here.)

Your boyfriend has not only shown you that he’s someone who cheats, (and last time I checked, that didn’t fall under loving and genuine), but he’s told you that he defines himself as an “awful person” and a “sociopath.”  So, if you want to be with a sociopath who cheats then you’ve got your man.  Happy ring shopping.

If, on the other hand, you want to be with someone you can trust, (and not require so many trips to the local clinic that you’re putting their gynecologist’s kids through college), I recommend moving on to someone you can establish that foundation with.

From the sound of it, it looks like you want a trustworthy wolf, and am hoping that something, (maybe The Force?), will turn your cheating, remorseful dude into that guy.  And if you’ve got a heart, stomach, mind, and immune system made of steel, I don’t see anything wrong with sacrificing your time in the hopes of observing a phenomenon that just may qualify as The Eighth Wonder of the World.

When it comes to sleeping together, though, while I can’t say if this guy will ever cheat again, I will say is that anytime you have unprotected sex with someone who is, or may be, sleeping with other people, it is not only a gamble with your life, but a form of self-mutilation.  Yeah, many of us have dodged bullets there, but plenty haven’t.  So, if you do hang in there, I highly suggest you wrap it up… Probably, forever, haha.

However, if you find that you are more sensitive than a Vulcan, (the non-emotional dudes from Star Trek), you’re going to want to step away from this heart-breaking relationship for the preservation of your spirit.

I know you two have a lot of fun and sexy things in common, but when it comes to core values – like monogamy… honesty… self-discipline… – you guys are just not on the same page.  And while you may not be able to imagine life without him now, rest assured that when God created fun and sexy men He didn’t stop at this dude.

Again, at the end of the day, only you know what’s best for you.  I didn’t create you, and I don’t know your journey, so I don’t know what lessons you’re here to learn.  What I do know, is that if you care about how you feel, and listen to yourself, you’ll be just fine. 

In the meantime, try not to turn a temporary problem into a permanent one.  That means that if you choose not to leave, please abstain from sex, or wear a condom to lessen your chances of contracting a disease or getting pregnant.  Also, consistently tend to your mental, spiritual, and emotional health throughout this process with the help of all the various resources out there.  That way you give yourself a chance to come out on the other side of this, (whatever side that may be), better and not bitter.

Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship from here, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Is true love easy and effortless?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

This question is in my head a lot at the moment. I’m struggling to decide if my ex just wasn’t the one, or if we both put walls up and didn’t try hard enough to push through them, (I know I certainly did). 

One month after the breakup, I know where I went wrong, I just wouldn’t “let him in.”  He tried to help me with this, but I was way too careful about protecting myself.  Now that I’ve got nothing left to lose I realize that I should have trusted him and opened up. Maybe things would be different. He was also careful to guard himself, though, but in a different way. There was clearly a lack of communication. I think he was more aware of this than me, at the time anyway.  

When I last spoke to my ex just after the breakup I said, “I know I didn’t try hard enough but I was scared.” He replied, “You shouldn’t have to try.”  Do you agree? 

Does true love just happen?  Should it be easy and effortless, or do you still have to work through some issues?  And if you do, how do you know if the relationship’s one to work on, or one to walk away from? 

-Deep in Thought

 

Dear Deep in Thought,

Good questions!  And given your introspective, what-do-I-need-to-learn-from-this-breakup way of thinking I’d say you’re definitely on track to experiencing the “true love” you seek.  All I hope to do now is help you separate fact from fiction so you can recognize that quality relationship when it’s in front of you. Does true love just happen?  Should the relationship be easy and effortless?  And if relationships do require work, how do you know which one to work on, and which one to walk away from?

To begin with, I feel your pain.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I mention the many “you’re cute and all, but not worth the trouble” wolves – (that’s guys for all you newcomers) – that came in and out of my life.   They’re there for a fun ride, but can’t handle the speed bumps that inevitably occur during the “intimacy freak-out” stage – (that’s when you start to get close, become uncomfortable when more vulnerability and trust is required, and then do something dramatic to create a bit of distance between the two of you in an effort to feel safe and secure again).  “It should be easy,” is usually one of the last things those guys say when everything’s over; and, left feeling like damaged goods from childhood wounds and past relationships, you wonder, “Should it?”

Well, to answer your first question, is true love effortless? YES.  Are relationships? NO.  Now stick with me while I go deep for a second.  (Tee hee, “that’s what he said.”  Okay, serious face.)  “True love,” to be clear, is a force, or energy, or whatever you want to call it, that naturally exists in the universe.  You don’t have to do anything to gain access to it just as you don’t have to do anything for the sun to rise in the morning.  It’s your birthright.  You did nothing to deserve it.  It’s just there.  Enjoy.  One day you’re born, and boom, you can feel love for whatever, and whomever, (including yourself), whenever you’re open to it.  If you’re like most of us you may have developed beliefs about yourself and your fellow human beings that often block your ability to perceive love, but it’s still there.  And the second you let your guard down, forget your hindering story of unworthiness, and accidentally look your pet, child, or dying parent in the eye, bam! You feel it.      

However, when it comes to love relationships, well that’s another story.  Consistently staying open to love and directing it, (through loving actions), towards someone with their own unique set of needs, expectations, and desires requires not only work, but a lot of it.  While you can love anybody, in order to have a mutually loving relationship with someone – involving things like sight, sound, and touch – you both need to come to understand each other in an out, learn what makes the other tick, and develop a game plan on healing whatever wounds you both bring to the table that block the flow of love between the two of you.  So yeah, work, or as you put it “effort,” is involved.  As well as time, understanding, compassion, patience, pain, dedication, some trials by fire, trust, vulnerability…

If you’re wondering how much work, well, the amount of effort involved is directly correlated to how prepared and experienced each person is in the process of cultivating love.  The more experience both people have at loving themselves and others before they enter the relationship the smoother things will be. (And as “practice makes progress” most past and – gulp – current relationships serve as that experience.)  But no pain, no gain.  So no matter how good at “loving” either party is coming in, if anyone is to grow from their current state and experience the deeper love your specific union offers, both people can expect to encounter some “growing pains” as conflicting beliefs or habits are exposed and shed. 

And now for your other brilliant question, “How do you know if you’re in a relationship that’s worth working on, or one you should walk away from?” Well, you stay when what’s being asked of you is something that will allow you to experience love in a deeper way, and you go when there’s no more room for growth.  

If staying means that you have the opportunity to practice letting go of a behavior and/or belief that has previously prevented you from experiencing intimacy and love in a safe environment, unpack your bags, put on some tea, and get to talkin’.  Conversely, it’s time to go when staying feels like stagnation or regression.  When the solution to whatever issue you two are having won’t help you to experience love in a deeper and fuller way, go.  Even if it just feels like something’s off.  Go.  Deep down you know what’s good for you.  And since there will always be another opportunity to grow in love you risk nothing when trusting yourself.  Your gut will never steer you wrong.

Lastly, on the journey to your amazing love affair, it’s important to remember that “Everything that has left you couldn’t stay, and everything that has stayed couldn’t leave you.”  You’ve lost nothing and no one necessary to fulfill your purpose and live the life of your dreams.  You’ve only gained things, like clarity.  Stay open to love.  And stay committed to loving yourself.  When you do that you’ll attract someone who will also love you, and he will stick.  No amount of trouble you give him will be able to drive him away – (trust me, I know).  He’ll be well-equipped for it.  Winston Churchill said, “I like a man who grins when he fights,” and it is that man, NOT the one who says, “it’s supposed to be easy,” who will stick it out with you, fight past you guys’ demons with you, and help co-create a loving relationship with you.  So chin up, girl.  True love is on its way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.