I just found out my bf of 3 years recently had a visit to a prostitute. I was looking into his text messages and I found texts for an escort’s location, price, and availability. I was crying and stopped talking to him. Then he confessed. It was so devastating.
I have always been devoted and committed in this relationship. Throughout the relationship, he was caring, loving, and genuine. We were planning to live together, and plan on getting married.
When I confronted him, he told me he f’ed up, and was actually thinking about having kids together and planning to buy the ring two days ago. I asked him how many times he went when he was with me, he said two times.
He was totally ashamed, said he’s an awful person and a sociopath. He was crying on the phone, and said he still loves me and would see if I can forgive him and give him a chance. He said I am the nicest girlfriend he’s ever had. He promised he would not go again if I give him a chance. But he also said he will understand if I want to let it go and move on. I told him I needed time to think.
I know most people will tell me to stay away from him, but I just can’t imagine life without him. We do share the same sense of humor, and views, and the sex is good. I enjoy spending time with him.
We’ve invested 3 years together, and I would really hope that he will change into a better person. I was hoping to marry this guy and have a family together. I am worried of going through dating all over again…. I really regret that I have discovered this from checking his messages. Is it possible to give him a chance?
– The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free
Dear “The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free,”
The sex better be good with all the practice he’s getting, lol… And with pros, too?! Whose game wouldn’t improve if they got to play ball with Michael Jordan on a regular basis… But, in all seriousness, it really doesn’t matter who he’s cheating on you with – we’re all women, after all. The real issue is that he’s not meeting your expectation of monogamy.
As you stated, most people would tell you to run for the hills. They’d quote Dr. Phil, (don’t judge me, ya’ll), and say, “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.” And, on that, I tend to agree. This wolf – (and anyone who has cheated, whether it’s with a prostitute or not) – is what you’d call a “high-risk investment.” And only you know your level of risk tolerance.
What this really boils down to is knowing what you want in a man and in a relationship. (And I offer my two cents on figuring that out here.)
Your boyfriend has not only shown you that he’s someone who cheats, (and last time I checked, that didn’t fall under loving and genuine), but he’s told you that he defines himself as an “awful person” and a “sociopath.” So, if you want to be with a sociopath who cheats then you’ve got your man. Happy ring shopping.
If, on the other hand, you want to be with someone you can trust, (and not require so many trips to the local clinic that you’re putting their gynecologist’s kids through college), I recommend moving on to someone you can establish that foundation with.
From the sound of it, it looks like you want a trustworthy wolf, and am hoping that something, (maybe The Force?), will turn your cheating, remorseful dude into that guy. And if you’ve got a heart, stomach, mind, and immune system made of steel, I don’t see anything wrong with sacrificing your time in the hopes of observing a phenomenon that just may qualify as The Eighth Wonder of the World.
When it comes to sleeping together, though, while I can’t say if this guy will ever cheat again, I will say is that anytime you have unprotected sex with someone who is, or may be, sleeping with other people, it is not only a gamble with your life, but a form of self-mutilation. Yeah, many of us have dodged bullets there, but plenty haven’t. So, if you do hang in there, I highly suggest you wrap it up… Probably, forever, haha.
However, if you find that you are more sensitive than a Vulcan, (the non-emotional dudes from Star Trek), you’re going to want to step away from this heart-breaking relationship for the preservation of your spirit.
I know you two have a lot of fun and sexy things in common, but when it comes to core values – like monogamy… honesty… self-discipline… – you guys are just not on the same page. And while you may not be able to imagine life without him now, rest assured that when God created fun and sexy men He didn’t stop at this dude.
Again, at the end of the day, only you know what’s best for you. I didn’t create you, and I don’t know your journey, so I don’t know what lessons you’re here to learn. What I do know, is that if you care about how you feel, and listen to yourself, you’ll be just fine.
In the meantime, try not to turn a temporary problem into a permanent one. That means that if you choose not to leave, please abstain from sex, or wear a condom to lessen your chances of contracting a disease or getting pregnant. Also, consistently tend to your mental, spiritual, and emotional health throughout this process with the help of all the various resources out there. That way you give yourself a chance to come out on the other side of this, (whatever side that may be), better and not bitter.
Best of luck!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.