My boyfriend keeps texting escort agencies ‘for his colleagues…’ Help!

giphy-29.gif

Dear Megan,

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years, and we’re planning to get married in a year.

Throughout this relationship, things have been great. He has been really nice, caring and accommodating towards me. He doesn’t look at other women in front of me, we have a great sex life, and he always lets me know his whereabouts.

Things turned downhill, however, when I checked his messages on our 2-year anniversary trip. In them I found a message inquiring about services with an escort. I confronted him immediately and he told me he was not aware of that message, and that his friend had sent it using his phone.

I couldn’t find any reason for him to look for a prostitute, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and I let it slide.

A month later I used another number and pretended to be from an escort agency to test him, and he actually replied asking for more details. Then he quit replying.

I eventually confronted him about his replies, and he got mad at me for using such ways to test him. Yes, I do agree that it was unethical to test him in that way, but I just wanted to know the truth.

He then admitted that those messages were sent by him, but he said that he has never cheated on me. He even asked me to call those numbers to see if he engaged any of the girls. He told me it’s to show his colleagues – (his colleagues do visit prostitutes) – about the girls and services. He explained that he lied to me because I wouldn’t have believed him if he told me the truth.

Just yesterday I looked through his messages, and there was a message from an unknown number replying “Ok :)” in the middle of the night. I looked the number up online only to find out that it’s from a prostitute. The next day when I looked through the messages after he was awake it was deleted.

I really want to know what’s that “Ok :)” was supposed to mean. I really need some help. On one hand, he acted so normal, planning for our future, yet messages like these keep appearing. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Confused AF

 


Dear “Confused AF,”

Remember that sitcom episode where the parents find drugs in their son’s backpack and he says that they’re not his, they’re his friend’s?… Well… #Same. Lol…

Girl. What a sucky situation… Your boyfriend has literally dragged you into an unfun version of the game “two truths and a lie.”  Here, he tells you some things that are true, some things that are false, and leaves it up to you to decipher what’s bullshit and what isn’t. Oy-the f*ckin-vey. Lol.

There’s good news, however. And that’s that YOU DON’T HAVE TO PLAY HIS SILLY GAME AT ALL.

I can get bogged down in the not-as-important-as-they-seem details with you, but the truth of the matter is that, when it comes to your situation, all you have to do is decide what type of relationship you want, and whether or not you believe that this relationship can satisfy those desires.

Since you say you desire the truth, (hence your Catfish-like tactics and snooping, haha), and your boyfriend admittedly lies to you, (causing you much distress), you’ve obviously lost faith in your ability to have the relationship of your dreams.

But remember, just as you once wanted someone who had a lot of the traits you admire in your current boyfriend, and allowed that person to manifest in your life, you can reclaim your creative power and manifest a relationship – with, or without him – that incorporates your new desires based on your new life experiences.

To do that you need to focus solely on what you now want, not on what you’re getting, because focusing on what you’re getting will only get you more of the same.

Energy flows where your attention goes.

So, shut out all outside noise. Get still and listen to your inner voice. Journal. And reconnect with how you want your relationship to feel, not what you want your boyfriend to do, because once you reconnect emotionally to the vision of your dream relationship your instructions action-wise will flow from there.

(Insert after-school special speech here: And if you continue to stay in a potentially non-monogamous relationship while you sort things out, I recommend that you “wrap it up.” Non-self-protection in such cases is akin to self-mutilation. So, continue to take care of yourself, which includes not letting a temporary problem become a permanent one.)

And finally, near to the end of your question you say that on your way to the alter “messages like these keep appearing.” So please do stop and listen to those “messages.” They only keep reappearing because you are loved, and “Life” has something to tell you.

Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

 

Advertisements

Argh! My boyfriend got black-out drunk and ‘may’ have cheated… Help!

Screenshot_20190206-053248_Samsung Internet
Because sometimes only YOU can help you.

Dear Megan,

This morning my boyfriend of a little bit over a year confessed that he believes he had sex with a stripper in a foreign country. He is in the military and is currently deployed.

He said he went out drinking with some friends and that they went to a strip club. He said he was drinking so much that he blacked out and thinks that he might have cheated.

He keeps saying how incredibly sorry he is, how much he loves me, and that he will do anything to make this right. He is supposed to come home soon, leave the military, and move to where I am.

We have talked about getting married. He even popped the question on more than one occasion. I was fully convinced that he is the one. I planned our life together.

I feel so dead inside, and I have no idea what to do. Please help.

Sincerely,

-Hopeless

 


Dear “Hopeless,”

Oy, if your boyfriend is telling you he might’ve cheated on you, he’s probably got some receipts – whether they’re sore genitals, Vietnam war-esc flashbacks, or friends high-fiving him and saying, “I can’t believe you hooked up with that stripper!” – that he did, in fact, go all the way.

But enough about him, let’s talk about you, and this “Hopeless” alias you gave yourself.

To begin with, you’re the first person to give themselves an alias, (thanks for saving me the trouble of having to think of one, btw), and interestingly enough the first part of the solution to your problem can be found in your self-description: Hopeless.

Although his “potential” act of cheating may have triggered some pain in you, (pain caused by you experiencing the exact opposite of what you want), the prolonged suffering you now feel is a result of you thinking that when it comes to love and relationships you are hopeless and helpless in the creation of what you want.

But just as you dreamt up a beautiful man that would be honest with you, even when he didn’t have to, the creation of the loving relationship you want doesn’t have to stop there.

In the game of love and life, don’t take score too soon.

Instead of using his “potential” act of infidelity to mean that you’re hopeless and helpless when it comes to matters of the heart, remember that relationships are vehicles for growth, and reclaim your creative power in manifesting the lover of your dreams.

Disappointments happen.  Especially when you ask people to do something they’re incapable of doing, which is to consistently put your wants and needs ahead of their own.  But once you allow yourself to feel the pain of that disappointment, (as you are growing and being stretched beyond your comfort zone during it), it’s time to ask the question, “What am I to get out of this experience,” and re-embrace your creative power.

To do so, first realize that you don’t have to make a decision right this second, or anytime soon for that matter, no matter what plans you two have made.  If this guy is serious about doing whatever it takes to make things work with you, he’ll wait for you to take however much time you need to make the decision that’s best for you.

Then you’ll want to do, well, everything I told this girl to do in this article on cheating.  (Hey, I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.  Anybody with me! High five! Lol…)

Once you’re fully tuned into the updated, new relationship this incident has caused you to dream up, (which could take days, weeks, or months, depending on how open you are to receiving it), you’ll find that your current boyfriend is either a match to it, or a mismatch. 

When you see or talk to him, you’ll either want to welcome him with open arms, believing that you can still have your new dream with him; or you’ll want to say, “Thanks for the lessons, but I’ve decided to move on and wish you nothing but the best.”

Any indecisiveness means that you still haven’t embraced the new dream and vision of what you want, which is fine as it takes time to catch up to who you’ve evolved into.  However, if you want to navigate this time in your life with as little drama as possible I suggest you don’t take any action before you’re clear, open, and available to receive the new relationship that this incident has put in your heart.

So best of luck, and keep on dreamin’ on.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

My boyfriend cheated, and I need help convincing him that we should stay together… Help!

 

giphy-5
“And I need help convincing him that we should stay together…”

Dear Megan,

So, the worst has happened…  My boyfriend cheated on me… But I want to stay together. 

How do I go about convincing him that his cheating could be an alarm wake-up call that we can both get past when he is not convinced that he’ll be able to.

Thanks,

-Mrs. Fix It

 


 

Dear “Mrs. Fix It,”

Man, there’s a lot of cheating boyfriends out there who would love you!…  Lol.  Just kidding.  After all, this is a no-judgement zone.  And since, for whatever reason, you’ve dug your heels into this man and decided that he is your wolf – (cheating be damned!) – I’m happy to provide you with whatever assistance I can.

To begin with, in order to convince anyone of anything, you must first become convinced of that thing yourself.

And in order for you to be convinced that this is something you two can get past, I suggest you first focus on what you really want out of ANY romantic relationship.  And by that, I mean to sit down and get clear on how you want the relationship to feel.  Write it down and see if your boyfriend has consistently exhibited behavior that supports those feelings.

If he hasn’t, well then, it’s probably time to cut him loose.  (Especially since you two aren’t married and bound by vows to try and work through any and all foolishness.)

If he has, however, it’s time to recognize that while you may be able to look past this infidelity, you have just come across a big, important desire that you haven’t had to acknowledge until now.  And that is that you want someone who’s not only determined to work through potentially devastating issues in a relationship, but someone who’s determined to work through them with you.  (As reflected in your question.)

So, in this case, the key to convincing your boyfriend that his cheating is something you two can get past is actually – believe it or not – convincing yourself that he’s someone you can get past all this with.

Now, to do that you first have to find out his fight or flight response during tough times, as you’ll need a fighter.  And that, my dear, is in a man’s DNA.  There’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Signs that he’s a fighter who’s determined to work through this potentially devastating incident include him doing things like expressing a desire to go to counseling, and investigating the causes of his behavior in order to make adjustments.  If he does stuff like that, you’ve got a fighter on your hands and you can move on to the next step.  If not, again, you’re probably better off letting the relationship go as there’s no way to get to a happy, infidelity-free relationship, – (one where you’re not carrying all the weight), – without that “fighter” personality trait.

The next thing you’ll have to do to convince yourself that he’s someone you can make it to the other side of this infidelity with is find out if he’s determined to fight for you and your relationship. 

Signs that he wants to work with you for the continuation of your relationship include expressing a relentless desire to be with you; acknowledging your pain, and doing whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to regain your trust; (as well as supporting you in any changes you make to strengthen the relationship).

Once his actions on both regards convince you that he really is “that guy,” your faith in the potential healing of the relationship will be contagious.

You can share articles like “How to Create a Cheat-Proof Relationship” with him for inspiration on you guys’ journey towards healing; but, more than likely, whatever issues you two had that led to this infidelity will be best worked through with the help of a professional.

IF, however, you become convinced that he’s not “The One,” well, as I said in this article on cheating, you can rest assured that when God created whatever wonderful qualities you’ve grown to adore in your boyfriend, guess what? He didn’t stop at him.  There are plenty of guys out that there with similar amazing qualities who won’t cheat on you.

And, finally, remember that while commitments like marriage ask us to work through these “unspeakable acts,” dating gives you the opportunity to “see what you’re gettin’ wit’ before you get wit’ it.” (I stole that line from a Jerry Springer hillbilly, he he.)  So, since this is the time where you both are free to see if the other person is the right fit for you, I encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing, and use it wisely ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

My boyfriend cheated on me… Now what?

cheat2
After you post bail, read article 😉

Dear Megan,

I recently found out my boyfriend cheated.  What should I do?

-If Loving Him is Wrong…  I Actually Wanna be Right

 


Dear “If Loving Him is Wrong…  I Actually Wanna be Right,”

Welp, since a straightforward question deserves a straightforward answer let’s get to it then, shall we?

So, you just found out you got an #AntiRelationshipGoals situation on your hands, and you’re wondering what you should do about it.  Well:

First, allow yourself to feel whatever range of emotions sweep over you, and for however long you need to – (and feel free to get some exercise a la this article’s supporting GIF if you need to, as well, lol).

Once you’re in a more stable mental place, start thanking God for this moment of clarity.  (And the fact that not being married means you don’t have to factor in lawyers and loads more paperwork into your decision-making process).  At this moment you are presented with not only the opportunity to get super clear on what you want, so you can get what you want, but the chance to send a strong message to your psyche that reminds you of what you deserve.  I encourage you to seize this moment and do so.

As soon as possible, and for the weeks following, I recommend that you take control of your creative power, ignore the opinions of others – including your boyfriend’s – and focus exclusively on what you want a relationship to feel like.  Why? Because when you focus exclusively on the way you want your relationship to feel, you’ll get so in tune with the relationship of your dreams that you’ll be inspired to make choices that support the creation of it.

Ignore what’s already transpired, as it’s already been done, and take time to just sit and marinate in the feelings that you envision yourself having in your dream relationship. Don’t focus on things you want to do or have with another person, but rather on how you want to feel within a relationship. Writing those feelings down will help, too.

From there, every time you’ll have to make a decision regarding your relationship, the choice that feels good will be in alignment with your dream and get you closer to it, and the choice that feels bad won’t.  And that will be your guiding principle – the thing that will get you your dream relationship.  The thing that will allow you to finally achieve your #RelationshipGoals.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And for more help on getting your head to work with your heart check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”

…And for help on creating a “cheat-proof relationship” moving forward check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How to create a cheat-proof relationship

200w-8

“Monogamy is a practice…  It’s a choice…  You don’t FIND your partner, you CHOOSE your partner…  If you think you’re going to find somebody who is the person who will make you stop looking… No, it doesn’t work that way.  At some point your inner rumblings will start up again.  You just have to say, ‘This is it.  This is where I decide to put my roots in this moment and I’m going to try to deepen them.’  We are all living with a paradox of choice, but we can’t commodify a partner, we can’t beta-test a partner.”

-Esther Perel 

Alright guys and dolls,

Since my most-viewed articles are consistently, (like every day), the ones that pertain to cheating – whether it’s questions I’ve answered from those tempted to cheat, the cheated on, the sorta-cheated on, the side-chick, or those just curious as to whether certain porn even counts as cheating – in this special edition of “Dear Megan” I’m attempting to put myself out of business and share with you all what I’ve learned about creating a relationship where cheating is, well, in the famous words of reality show diva Evelyn Lozada “a non-motherf*ckin’ factor.”

Much like with “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship,” I’m bringing in the big guns – (I mean, how much can I know at this age, lol) – and connecting you all to the work of Esther Perel, an expert on infidelity and successful relationships.  In this 14:19 clip you’ll learn things like –

The causes of cheating:

Often, when you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn’t just because you want to leave the person you are with, you want to leave the person that you yourself have become.  It isn’t just that you want to meet somebody else, but you want to meet another self.  There is no greater “other” than a different version of yourself.

How not to get betrayed in a relationship:

Since a loving relationship is about what you can give, not get, each person should consistently ask him or herself, “What is it that I do to make my partner feel that they are special.  That they are the one I still choose every morning that I wake up.  The one that I want to be there the next morning, and the next morning…  How do I manifest my love and appreciation and admiration for my partner? (And for help on doing things that YOUR partner receives as love I highly recommend “The Five Love Languages.”)

Furthermore, ask yourself if you’ve shown up.  When you get home at night are you the vibrant, funny, alive, person you are with your friends and colleagues?  Or is your partner getting your leftovers?

And, finally, Perel goes into how to create a new cheat-proof relationship with someone who’s already cheated on you:

Most of us are going to have two or three marriages or adult relationships, and some of us will do it with the same person.  And so while an affair may mean the death of a first marriage or current relationship, one partner can ask the other if they would like to have another one together.  (Note: This second relationship has a higher chance of working out when the infidelity was not the final nail in the coffin of an already dead relationship, but instead an act that served as a wake-up call. For more on that I recommend checking out Perel’s more in-depth interviews on cheating like this one.)

Hope this helps some of ya’ll, and I’ll be back next time to tackle more of your questions!

-Megan 🙂

P.S.  If this video is ever disabled, just type “This is how you stop your partner from cheating – Esther Perel – Skavlan” into YouTube until it is brought to my attention.

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

My boyfriend cheated on me with prostitutes… Now what?

giphy-121.gif
Cheaters have options, and so do you.

Dear Megan,

I just found out my bf of 3 years recently had a visit to a prostitute. I was looking into his text messages and I found texts for an escort’s location, price, and availability.  I was crying and stopped talking to him. Then he confessed. It was so devastating.

I have always been devoted and committed in this relationship. Throughout the relationship, he was caring, loving, and genuine. We were planning to live together, and plan on getting married.

When I confronted him, he told me he f’ed up, and was actually thinking about having kids together and planning to buy the ring two days ago. I asked him how many times he went when he was with me, he said two times.

He was totally ashamed, said he’s an awful person and a sociopath. He was crying on the phone, and said he still loves me and would see if I can forgive him and give him a chance. He said I am the nicest girlfriend he’s ever had. He promised he would not go again if I give him a chance. But he also said he will understand if I want to let it go and move on. I told him I needed time to think.

I know most people will tell me to stay away from him, but I just can’t imagine life without him. We do share the same sense of humor, and views, and the sex is good. I enjoy spending time with him.

We’ve invested 3 years together, and I would really hope that he will change into a better person. I was hoping to marry this guy and have a family together. I am worried of going through dating all over again…. I really regret that I have discovered this from checking his messages. Is it possible to give him a chance?

– The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free

 


Dear “The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free,”

The sex better be good with all the practice he’s getting, lol…  And with pros, too?!  Whose game wouldn’t improve if they got to play ball with Michael Jordan on a regular basis…  But, in all seriousness, it really doesn’t matter who he’s cheating on you with – we’re all women, after all.  The real issue is that he’s not meeting your expectation of monogamy.

As you stated, most people would tell you to run for the hills.  They’d quote Dr. Phil, (don’t judge me, ya’ll), and say, “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.”  And, on that, I tend to agree.  This wolf – (and anyone who has cheated, whether it’s with a prostitute or not) – is what you’d call a “high-risk investment.”  And only you know your level of risk tolerance.

What this really boils down to is knowing what you want in a man and in a relationship. (And I offer my two cents on figuring that out here.)

Your boyfriend has not only shown you that he’s someone who cheats, (and last time I checked, that didn’t fall under loving and genuine), but he’s told you that he defines himself as an “awful person” and a “sociopath.”  So, if you want to be with a sociopath who cheats then you’ve got your man.  Happy ring shopping.

If, on the other hand, you want to be with someone you can trust, (and not require so many trips to the local clinic that you’re putting their gynecologist’s kids through college), I recommend moving on to someone you can establish that foundation with.

From the sound of it, it looks like you want a trustworthy wolf, and am hoping that something, (maybe The Force?), will turn your cheating, remorseful dude into that guy.  And if you’ve got a heart, stomach, mind, and immune system made of steel, I don’t see anything wrong with sacrificing your time in the hopes of observing a phenomenon that just may qualify as The Eighth Wonder of the World.

When it comes to sleeping together, though, while I can’t say if this guy will ever cheat again, I will say is that anytime you have unprotected sex with someone who is, or may be, sleeping with other people, it is not only a gamble with your life, but a form of self-mutilation.  Yeah, many of us have dodged bullets there, but plenty haven’t.  So, if you do hang in there, I highly suggest you wrap it up… Probably, forever, haha.

However, if you find that you are more sensitive than a Vulcan, (the non-emotional dudes from Star Trek), you’re going to want to step away from this heart-breaking relationship for the preservation of your spirit.

I know you two have a lot of fun and sexy things in common, but when it comes to core values – like monogamy… honesty… self-discipline… – you guys are just not on the same page.  And while you may not be able to imagine life without him now, rest assured that when God created fun and sexy men He didn’t stop at this dude.

Again, at the end of the day, only you know what’s best for you.  I didn’t create you, and I don’t know your journey, so I don’t know what lessons you’re here to learn.  What I do know, is that if you care about how you feel, and listen to yourself, you’ll be just fine. 

In the meantime, try not to turn a temporary problem into a permanent one.  That means that if you choose not to leave, please abstain from sex, or wear a condom to lessen your chances of contracting a disease or getting pregnant.  Also, consistently tend to your mental, spiritual, and emotional health throughout this process with the help of all the various resources out there.  That way you give yourself a chance to come out on the other side of this, (whatever side that may be), better and not bitter.

Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship from here, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Should we break up over “cheating” before we were official?

giphy-36.gif

Dear Megan,

Before my boyfriend and I “officially” became a couple, we spent a year getting to know each other. During this period we were intimate, so I wasn’t dating any other guys and was pretty serious about building a relationship with him. During most of this period, however, I ended up finding out that he was dating several girls, being intimate with all of them, and deceiving all of them by not telling any of us he was also hooking up with other girls. Basically, he was a Player.

However, as time went on, him and I became very, very close; and I was sure that he had stopped talking to all the other girls because he told me “he wasn’t pursuing anyone else,” and a couple months later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we have had the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship for the last year and a half.

So, yesterday I found out that during the couple months right before we officially became a couple, he in fact WAS still seeing other girls. “Not pursuing anyone” meant that he wasn’t hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup. What’s worse, I found out he was hooking up with his best friend’s girlfriend, who is my friend too!

Here is my dilemma: We have had the most wonderful relationship since we became a couple. He wants to marry me, and I know he would never cheat on me. But constantly finding out about more and more girls that he hooked up with while we were dating really bothers me and has put a strain on the relationship. Especially recently finding out about him hooking up with other girls during the period I thought we were exclusive.

It hurts me because I didn’t know he was the type of person that would do that, especially with his best friend’s girlfriend. He apologizes endlessly, but says that since we weren’t “official,” it’s irrelevant. However, I feel that if I knew about all his deceitful actions at the time, I would have ended it then and we wouldn’t be in this great relationship we have today.  

So, should I break up with him over things he did before we were officially a couple? It REALLY bothers me, and I feel like I don’t want to be with someone that could have done that to me, even though things are so much different now. I feel like enough is enough. There have been plenty of opportunities during our relationship to tell me everything, but I still keep finding out more and more. I don’t really trust him anymore, and feel like our relationship was built on lies and deceit. I feel like I want to end the relationship over this, but is that unfair?

-Feeling Duped

 


Dear “Feeling Duped,”

Excuse me as I place a stethoscope around my neck, shine a small flashlight into your ear, hold your tongue, and make you say “Ahhh…” Yep, see this all the time… What we have here is a classic case of “Girl who wanted real exclusivity, settled for a vague expression of one, and got hurt when she later found out that she, in fact, wasn’t her one-and-only’s one-and-only.” Okay, you can put your tongue back in.

Now, let’s get the obvious out of the way before getting to the nitty gritty of your dilemma. As your question suggests, you already know that unless a guy specifically asks for exclusivity, or for you to be his gIrLfRiEnD, (tee hee), you both are free to entertain other lads and lasses as you please. (And if you want things to be extra clear, it’s always nice to even state that expectation – you know, that he’ll have to ask for exclusivity – upfront, once you two realize you’re starting to like each other.)

So, since we here at sex symbol central know to NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING, you know this wolf technically didn’t do anything wrong. Hell, he may have even done something RIGHT, as, according to you, your ignorance of what he was doing allowed you two to have “the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship” for the last year and a half.

However, fact remains that now you’re not only not-so-ignorant of his past behavior, you’re even repulsed by it. And to answer your question, I can confidently say, no, it is not unfair to want to break up with him over things he’s done in the past.

Just because someone technically didn’t do something wrong doesn’t mean that you have to like what they did. And given what you know today, it’s totally okay for you to question if this is someone you want to be with.

Do you want to be with someone who sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend?

Do you want to be with someone who uses lawyer-like tactics to get out of being completely open and honest with you about what he’s doing?

Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t view sexual intimacy as sacredly as you do?

You’re totally entitled to re-evaluate the relationship based on what you now know.

However, since you already have a relationship you enjoy, and none are perfect, (despite your earlier claim), you may want to just use what you now know to create some new agreements and clarify expectations that were never articulated up until this point.

If you choose that route, you’ll want to make sure it’s clear to him that you want him to be open and upfront about what he’s doing, and that withholding information will not suffice as a form of truth in your book.

When it comes to addressing his promiscuity in the months post-“vague” exclusivity, pre-“official” exclusivity, you’re first going to have to accept it as the price you have to pay for allowing a vague expression of exclusivity to get past you – I know, bummer – and second, learn from it. Reiterate your new agreement for a clear, “full-disclosure” form of communicating that honors the “intent of the law,” not the letter of it, and be prepared to stand by whatever consequence you two agree on for violation of your agreement.

Lastly, when it comes to sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend, well, you’ll want to further pick his brain there. If his best friend gave him the thumbs up, then, while many loyal wolves would have probably still steered clear, he’s once again only guilty of having an approach to sex that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. If, however, this was a betrayal on his part, you’ll want to hear him out so you gain insight into his views on loyalty and see if they align with your own.

I say all this to not only remind you that you have legitimate options, but to help you to realize that ultimately the right choice is dependent on how you feel. Consequently, the only decision you have to make is to simply do what feels better. If staying with him, creating new agreements, and learning to accept a less than picture-perfect past feels good, do that. If walking away and holding out for someone you believe you can co-create a more open and honest foundation with, and whose approach to sex and relationships/friendships is one that aligns more with your own values feels better, do that.

At the end of the day, it’s important to trust your intuition, even if you can’t rationalize it. After all, unlike lovers, it doesn’t need an “official” agreement to always have your back ;). Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship from here, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.