I’ve been dating the most amazing guy for almost 11 months now – (gay relationship, btw). I’ve never met anyone who I’ve been more compatible with on an emotional level. We have great conversations, have never argued, he’s very affectionate and romantic, and I’ve never doubted for one second how he feels about me. We even moved in together a couple months ago, and it’s been great.
The problem is that the frequency of sex has declined since we’ve moved in. When we didn’t live together we used to have sex maybe 3-4 times a week. However, the last time we’ve had sex is a week-and-a-half ago, and a week before that. The quality of the sex is still amazing. But we’re just not doing it a lot, and so my needs are not fully being met. When I was single, I had a few friends with benefits, (FWB), so sex was never an issue for me. When I became exclusive with my current boyfriend, I cut off all my FWBs. However, I currently find myself fantasizing about them frequently and have been fighting the urge to send one of them a message.
I haven’t discussed this with him as we still kiss and make out, and, again, we’re both very affectionate. So I wouldn’t necessarily say we’re roommates, lol. It’s just that I’ve never been in a relationship where sex was this infrequent. This has been my longest relationship, so I’m not sure if this is a thing, either.
I’ve never cheated in my life, although I’ve been cheated on once before. I’ve been in an open relationship before. I didn’t really enjoy it, although one benefit is that it did make me less jealous in that it desensitized me seeing my ex message or interact with other guys. But I know for a fact that my current bf is too traditional for that.
Help! I don’t want to do cheat, but I feel I may slip up. How can I go about this?
Dear Potential Cheater,
I so wanna quote my favorite movie, (“Cool Hand Luke”), and say, “What we got here is a failure to communicate,” but we got soooo much more than that. So I’ll quote me and say, “What we got here is a failure to commit,” (or what’s more popularly known as a “commitment issue.”) And once you get past that issue my advice would be to just talk to him, find out what each other’s turn ons are, and develop a game plan for implementing them to get your freak on more often. But first let’s deal with your commitment issue.
So you’ve done some things that suggest you want a committed, monogamous relationship. You two verbally committed to each other, and you even moved in together; but now, my friend, you have to make the decision to mentally, spiritually, and emotionally commit to your partner if you don’t want to cheat. And that is going to take a level of vulnerability you haven’t had to entertain in your shorter and open relationships.
To commit on that deeper lever you’re first going to have to get honest about how ready you are for a monogamous relationship. Take an inventory of your last relationships and go over what you liked and didn’t like. What dream relationship have your former relationships helped you create? Then, write down your vision for the relationship you want, share it with your partner to make sure you two are on the same page, and commit to your role in carrying out that vision.
I can name a million and one reasons that support a committed, monogamous relationship; but the truth of the matter is that if you don’t want, or are not ready for, that type of commitment you’ll just keep torturing yourself with split energy every freakin’ day you wake up. Commitments to others require a willingness and ability to making decisions with their well-being in mind; and while most of us like the benefits of committed relationships, not all of us are willing or ready to pay that price.
The good news is that if you find that you’re still in your exploratory phase and want to sleep with other people not cheating is really easy. You simply break up with the person you’re with first and “voila!” You, once again, dodge the cheater label, (along with a potential ass-whoopin’). However, if you find that you are, indeed, ready for a committed, monogamous relationship all it takes is a choice to do the things that honor your vision during moments of doubt. Don’t beat yourself up over unfaithful thoughts or moments when you want to bail. In the end it’s the actions we choose that determine how good of a partner we are to our significant others. Doubts and other challenges are inevitable, but you win when you show commitment to your vision.
So get honest with yourself about what season you’re in in your life. Are you in one where you still play with others, one where you commit to one, or maybe even one where you seek out some sort of mix of the two? Then continue your tradition of doing right by yourself, and the people who enter your world.
P.S. Already cheated and want help coming clean? Click here!
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.