How to create a cheat-proof relationship

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“Monogamy is a practice…  It’s a choice…  You don’t FIND your partner, you CHOOSE your partner…  If you think you’re going to find somebody who is the person who will make you stop looking… No, it doesn’t work that way.  At some point your inner rumblings will start up again.  You just have to say, ‘This is it.  This is where I decide to put my roots in this moment and I’m going to try to deepen them.’  We are all living with a paradox of choice, but we can’t commodify a partner, we can’t beta-test a partner.”

-Esther Perel 

Alright guys and dolls,

Since my most-viewed articles are consistently, (like every day), the ones that pertain to cheating – whether it’s questions I’ve answered from those tempted to cheat, the cheated on, the sorta-cheated on, the side-chick, or those just curious as to whether certain porn even counts as cheating – in this special edition of “Dear Megan” I’m attempting to put myself out of business and share with you all what I’ve learned about creating a relationship where cheating is, well, in the famous words of reality show diva Evelyn Lozada “a non-motherf*ckin’ factor.”

Much like with “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship,” I’m bringing in the big guns – (I mean, how much can I know at this age, lol) – and connecting you all to the work of Esther Perel, an expert on infidelity and successful relationships.  In this 14:19 clip you’ll learn things like –

The causes of cheating:

Often, when you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn’t just because you want to leave the person you are with, you want to leave the person that you yourself have become.  It isn’t just that you want to meet somebody else, but you want to meet another self.  There is no greater “other” than a different version of yourself.

How not to get betrayed in a relationship:

Since a loving relationship is about what you can give, not get, each person should consistently ask him or herself, “What is it that I do to make my partner feel that they are special.  That they are the one I still choose every morning that I wake up.  The one that I want to be there the next morning, and the next morning…  How do I manifest my love and appreciation and admiration for my partner? (And for help on doing things that YOUR partner receives as love I highly recommend “The Five Love Languages.”)

Furthermore, ask yourself if you’ve shown up.  When you get home at night are you the vibrant, funny, alive, person you are with your friends and colleagues?  Or is your partner getting your leftovers?

And, finally, Perel goes into how to create a new cheat-proof relationship with someone who’s already cheated on you:

Most of us are going to have two or three marriages or adult relationships, and some of us will do it with the same person.  And so while an affair may mean the death of a first marriage or current relationship, one partner can ask the other if they would like to have another one together.  (Note: This second relationship has a higher chance of working out when the infidelity was not the final nail in the coffin of an already dead relationship, but instead an act that served as a wake-up call. For more on that I recommend checking out Perel’s more in-depth interviews on cheating like this one.)

Hope this helps some of ya’ll, and I’ll be back next time to tackle more of your questions!

-Megan 🙂

P.S.  If this video is ever disabled, just type “This is how you stop your partner from cheating – Esther Perel – Skavlan” into YouTube until it is brought to my attention.

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

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I’m scared I’m going to cheat! What do I do??

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Dear Megan,

I’ve been dating the most amazing guy for almost 11 months now – (gay relationship, btw). I’ve never met anyone who I’ve been more compatible with on an emotional level. We have great conversations, have never argued, he’s very affectionate and romantic, and I’ve never doubted for one second how he feels about me. We even moved in together a couple months ago, and it’s been great.

The problem is that the frequency of sex has declined since we’ve moved in. When we didn’t live together we used to have sex maybe 3-4 times a week. However, the last time we’ve had sex is a week-and-a-half ago, and a week before that. The quality of the sex is still amazing. But we’re just not doing it a lot, and so my needs are not fully being met. When I was single, I had a few friends with benefits, (FWB), so sex was never an issue for me. When I became exclusive with my current boyfriend, I cut off all my FWBs. However, I currently find myself fantasizing about them frequently and have been fighting the urge to send one of them a message.

I haven’t discussed this with him as we still kiss and make out, and, again, we’re both very affectionate. So I wouldn’t necessarily say we’re roommates, lol. It’s just that I’ve never been in a relationship where sex was this infrequent. This has been my longest relationship, so I’m not sure if this is a thing, either.

I’ve never cheated in my life, although I’ve been cheated on once before. I’ve been in an open relationship before. I didn’t really enjoy it, although one benefit is that it did make me less jealous in that it desensitized me seeing my ex message or interact with other guys. But I know for a fact that my current bf is too traditional for that.

Help! I don’t want to do cheat, but I feel I may slip up. How can I go about this?

-Potential Cheater

 


Dear Potential Cheater,

I so wanna quote my favorite movie, (“Cool Hand Luke”), and say, “What we got here is a failure to communicate,” but we got soooo much more than that. So I’ll quote me and say, “What we got here is a failure to commit,” (or what’s more popularly known as a “commitment issue.”) And once you get past that issue my advice would be to just talk to him, find out what each other’s turn ons are, and develop a game plan for implementing them to get your freak on more often. But first let’s deal with your commitment issue.

So you’ve done some things that suggest you want a committed, monogamous relationship. You two verbally committed to each other, and you even moved in together; but now, my friend, you have to make the decision to mentally, spiritually, and emotionally commit to your partner if you don’t want to cheat. And that is going to take a level of vulnerability you haven’t had to entertain in your shorter and open relationships.

To commit on that deeper lever you’re first going to have to get honest about how ready you are for a monogamous relationship. Take an inventory of your last relationships and go over what you liked and didn’t like. What dream relationship have your former relationships helped you create? Then, write down your vision for the relationship you want, share it with your partner to make sure you two are on the same page, and commit to your role in carrying out that vision.

I can name a million and one reasons that support a committed, monogamous relationship; but the truth of the matter is that if you don’t want, or are not ready for, that type of commitment you’ll just keep torturing yourself with split energy every freakin’ day you wake up. Commitments to others require a willingness and ability to making decisions with their well-being in mind; and while most of us like the benefits of committed relationships, not all of us are willing or ready to pay that price.

The good news is that if you find that you’re still in your exploratory phase and want to sleep with other people not cheating is really easy. You simply break up with the person you’re with first and “voila!” You, once again, dodge the cheater label, (along with a potential ass-whoopin’). However, if you find that you are, indeed, ready for a committed, monogamous relationship all it takes is a choice to do the things that honor your vision during moments of doubt. Don’t beat yourself up over unfaithful thoughts or moments when you want to bail. In the end it’s the actions we choose that determine how good of a partner we are to our significant others. Doubts and other challenges are inevitable, but you win when you show commitment to your vision.

So get honest with yourself about what season you’re in in your life. Are you in one where you still play with others, one where you commit to one, or maybe even one where you seek out some sort of mix of the two? Then continue your tradition of doing right by yourself, and the people who enter your world.

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in more on creating a cheat-proof relationship, feel free to check out this article!

Already cheated and want help coming clean?  Click here!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.