Yesterday I became exclusive with a man I met on Okcupid. We are now boyfriend/girlfriend. We dated nonexclusively for four months last year, faded apart mutually, and decided to give it a try again last week for real.
Yesterday we agreed to take down our profiles. Here’s the thing. When I first met him I did a search on Plenty of Fish, (POF), with his Okcupid username and saw he was on POF, like I was. I went to search him yesterday and saw he was still on there but had hidden his profile. That means he is on there but no one can see him or contact him or match him. I am fine with that. I have a feeling he only hid/disabled his profile his profile on Okcupid, as well.
Now my question is whether this indicates anything. Does hiding a profile mean he wants to give it a try before he deletes completely? How long should I give him before a hidden profile should be a concern, or is it OK? Thanks!
-Hopefully a Former Online Dater
Dear “Hopefully a Former Online Dater,”
Ahh… Hiding the profile… The online dating equivalent of a pre-nup, where if things go south you’ve still got some protection. Lol…
Okay, to answer your first question: “Does hiding a profile mean he wants to give it a try before he deletes completely?” Yes, hiding his profile is a good sign that he wants to give the relationship a try, and I would guess that he’s up for deleting it completely in the future, but since I’m not him I can’t say for sure. I think you’re pretty safe with bringing the topic up to see if you two are on the same page in a few months. (In your case after you two get past the stage where the train went off the tracks the first time you two dated, as both of you will be more invested then.)
And to your second question: “How long should I give him before a hidden profile should be a concern, or is it OK?” Well, it depends on what type of guy you’re dealing with. If he’s a trustworthy guy, it’s okay. He’ll most likely have just forgotten about it after a while. But if you still want it completely down as a matter of principle I’d recommend you give him until you feel a hidden profile is no longer a threat. Why? Because at that point you’ll know you have a relationship worth taking a profile down over. Then one day, perhaps when your first kid is driving off to college, you can turn to him and say, “You know, it might be time to take down that profile of yours now.”
If, however, you’re dealing with a historically unfaithful guy – you know, one who’s in the gawd-awful position of having to prove that he’s no longer “that guy” – well, he’s got a bit of a shorter leash. Nonetheless, dating is dating, whether open or exclusive, and even with his checkered past he’s got a right to keep his options open – (even if it’s just in the form of a pre-drafted online dating profile) – until he puts a ring on it or makes some sort of equivalent pledge. A boyfriend is not a fiancé or a husband, so in that vein I ask you, “Why have you completely taken down your profile?”
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.