This morning my boyfriend of a little bit over a year confessed that he believes he had sex with a stripper in a foreign country. He is in the military and is currently deployed.
He said he went out drinking with some friends and that they went to a strip club. He said he was drinking so much that he blacked out and thinks that he might have cheated.
He keeps saying how incredibly sorry he is, how much he loves me, and that he will do anything to make this right. He is supposed to come home soon, leave the military, and move to where I am.
We have talked about getting married. He even popped the question on more than one occasion. I was fully convinced that he is the one. I planned our life together.
I feel so dead inside, and I have no idea what to do. Please help.
Oy, if your boyfriend is telling you he might’ve cheated on you, he’s probably got some receipts – whether they’re sore genitals, Vietnam war-esc flashbacks, or friends high-fiving him and saying, “I can’t believe you hooked up with that stripper!” – that he did, in fact, go all the way.
But enough about him, let’s talk about you, and this “Hopeless” alias you gave yourself.
To begin with, you’re the first person to give themselves an alias, (thanks for saving me the trouble of having to think of one, btw), and interestingly enough the first part of the solution to your problem can be found in your self-description: Hopeless.
Although his “potential” act of cheating may have triggered some pain in you, (pain caused by you experiencing the exact opposite of what you want), the prolonged suffering you now feel is a result of you thinking that when it comes to love and relationships you are hopeless and helpless in the creation of what you want.
But just as you dreamt up a beautiful man that would be honest with you, even when he didn’t have to, the creation of the loving relationship you want doesn’t have to stop there.
In the game of love and life, don’t take score too soon.
Instead of using his “potential” act of infidelity to mean that you’re hopeless and helpless when it comes to matters of the heart, remember that relationships are vehicles for growth, and reclaim your creative power in manifesting the lover of your dreams.
Disappointments happen. Especially when you ask people to do something they’re incapable of doing, which is to consistently put your wants and needs ahead of their own. But once you allow yourself to feel the pain of that disappointment, (as you are growing and being stretched beyond your comfort zone during it), it’s time to ask the question, “What am I to get out of this experience,” and re-embrace your creative power.
To do so, first realize that you don’t have to make a decision right this second, or anytime soon for that matter, no matter what plans you two have made. If this guy is serious about doing whatever it takes to make things work with you, he’ll wait for you to take however much time you need to make the decision that’s best for you.
Then you’ll want to do, well, everything I told this girl to do in this article on cheating. (Hey, I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode. Anybody with me! High five! Lol…)
Once you’re fully tuned into the updated, new relationship this incident has caused you to dream up, (which could take days, weeks, or months, depending on how open you are to receiving it), you’ll find that your current boyfriend is either a match to it, or a mismatch.
When you see or talk to him, you’ll either want to welcome him with open arms, believing that you can still have your new dream with him; or you’ll want to say, “Thanks for the lessons, but I’ve decided to move on and wish you nothing but the best.”
Any indecisiveness means that you still haven’t embraced the new dream and vision of what you want, which is fine as it takes time to catch up to who you’ve evolved into. However, if you want to navigate this time in your life with as little drama as possible I suggest you don’t take any action before you’re clear, open, and available to receive the new relationship that this incident has put in your heart.
So best of luck, and keep on dreamin’ on.
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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.