Argh! My boyfriend got black-out drunk and ‘may’ have cheated… Help!

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Because sometimes only YOU can help you.

Dear Megan,

This morning my boyfriend of a little bit over a year confessed that he believes he had sex with a stripper in a foreign country. He is in the military and is currently deployed.

He said he went out drinking with some friends and that they went to a strip club. He said he was drinking so much that he blacked out and thinks that he might have cheated.

He keeps saying how incredibly sorry he is, how much he loves me, and that he will do anything to make this right. He is supposed to come home soon, leave the military, and move to where I am.

We have talked about getting married. He even popped the question on more than one occasion. I was fully convinced that he is the one. I planned our life together.

I feel so dead inside, and I have no idea what to do. Please help.

Sincerely,

-Hopeless

 


Dear “Hopeless,”

Oy, if your boyfriend is telling you he might’ve cheated on you, he’s probably got some receipts – whether they’re sore genitals, Vietnam war-esc flashbacks, or friends high-fiving him and saying, “I can’t believe you hooked up with that stripper!” – that he did, in fact, go all the way.

But enough about him, let’s talk about you, and this “Hopeless” alias you gave yourself.

To begin with, you’re the first person to give themselves an alias, (thanks for saving me the trouble of having to think of one, btw), and interestingly enough the first part of the solution to your problem can be found in your self-description: Hopeless.

Although his “potential” act of cheating may have triggered some pain in you, (pain caused by you experiencing the exact opposite of what you want), the prolonged suffering you now feel is a result of you thinking that when it comes to love and relationships you are hopeless and helpless in the creation of what you want.

But just as you dreamt up a beautiful man that would be honest with you, even when he didn’t have to, the creation of the loving relationship you want doesn’t have to stop there.

In the game of love and life, don’t take score too soon.

Instead of using his “potential” act of infidelity to mean that you’re hopeless and helpless when it comes to matters of the heart, remember that relationships are vehicles for growth, and reclaim your creative power in manifesting the lover of your dreams.

Disappointments happen.  Especially when you ask people to do something they’re incapable of doing, which is to consistently put your wants and needs ahead of their own.  But once you allow yourself to feel the pain of that disappointment, (as you are growing and being stretched beyond your comfort zone during it), it’s time to ask the question, “What am I to get out of this experience,” and re-embrace your creative power.

To do so, first realize that you don’t have to make a decision right this second, or anytime soon for that matter, no matter what plans you two have made.  If this guy is serious about doing whatever it takes to make things work with you, he’ll wait for you to take however much time you need to make the decision that’s best for you.

Then you’ll want to do, well, everything I told this girl to do in this article on cheating.  (Hey, I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy saving mode.  Anybody with me! High five! Lol…)

Once you’re fully tuned into the updated, new relationship this incident has caused you to dream up, (which could take days, weeks, or months, depending on how open you are to receiving it), you’ll find that your current boyfriend is either a match to it, or a mismatch. 

When you see or talk to him, you’ll either want to welcome him with open arms, believing that you can still have your new dream with him; or you’ll want to say, “Thanks for the lessons, but I’ve decided to move on and wish you nothing but the best.”

Any indecisiveness means that you still haven’t embraced the new dream and vision of what you want, which is fine as it takes time to catch up to who you’ve evolved into.  However, if you want to navigate this time in your life with as little drama as possible I suggest you don’t take any action before you’re clear, open, and available to receive the new relationship that this incident has put in your heart.

So best of luck, and keep on dreamin’ on.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

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My boyfriend cheated, and I need help convincing him that we should stay together… Help!

 

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“And I need help convincing him that we should stay together…”

Dear Megan,

So, the worst has happened…  My boyfriend cheated on me… But I want to stay together. 

How do I go about convincing him that his cheating could be an alarm wake-up call that we can both get past when he is not convinced that he’ll be able to.

Thanks,

-Mrs. Fix It

 


 

Dear “Mrs. Fix It,”

Man, there’s a lot of cheating boyfriends out there who would love you!…  Lol.  Just kidding.  After all, this is a no-judgement zone.  And since, for whatever reason, you’ve dug your heels into this man and decided that he is your wolf – (cheating be damned!) – I’m happy to provide you with whatever assistance I can.

To begin with, in order to convince anyone of anything, you must first become convinced of that thing yourself.

And in order for you to be convinced that this is something you two can get past, I suggest you first focus on what you really want out of ANY romantic relationship.  And by that, I mean to sit down and get clear on how you want the relationship to feel.  Write it down and see if your boyfriend has consistently exhibited behavior that supports those feelings.

If he hasn’t, well then, it’s probably time to cut him loose.  (Especially since you two aren’t married and bound by vows to try and work through any and all foolishness.)

If he has, however, it’s time to recognize that while you may be able to look past this infidelity, you have just come across a big, important desire that you haven’t had to acknowledge until now.  And that is that you want someone who’s not only determined to work through potentially devastating issues in a relationship, but someone who’s determined to work through them with you.  (As reflected in your question.)

So, in this case, the key to convincing your boyfriend that his cheating is something you two can get past is actually – believe it or not – convincing yourself that he’s someone you can get past all this with.

Now, to do that you first have to find out his fight or flight response during tough times, as you’ll need a fighter.  And that, my dear, is in a man’s DNA.  There’s absolutely nothing you can do about that.

Signs that he’s a fighter who’s determined to work through this potentially devastating incident include him doing things like expressing a desire to go to counseling, and investigating the causes of his behavior in order to make adjustments.  If he does stuff like that, you’ve got a fighter on your hands and you can move on to the next step.  If not, again, you’re probably better off letting the relationship go as there’s no way to get to a happy, infidelity-free relationship, – (one where you’re not carrying all the weight), – without that “fighter” personality trait.

The next thing you’ll have to do to convince yourself that he’s someone you can make it to the other side of this infidelity with is find out if he’s determined to fight for you and your relationship. 

Signs that he wants to work with you for the continuation of your relationship include expressing a relentless desire to be with you; acknowledging your pain, and doing whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to regain your trust; (as well as supporting you in any changes you make to strengthen the relationship).

Once his actions on both regards convince you that he really is “that guy,” your faith in the potential healing of the relationship will be contagious.

You can share articles like “How to Create a Cheat-Proof Relationship” with him for inspiration on you guys’ journey towards healing; but, more than likely, whatever issues you two had that led to this infidelity will be best worked through with the help of a professional.

IF, however, you become convinced that he’s not “The One,” well, as I said in this article on cheating, you can rest assured that when God created whatever wonderful qualities you’ve grown to adore in your boyfriend, guess what? He didn’t stop at him.  There are plenty of guys out that there with similar amazing qualities who won’t cheat on you.

And, finally, remember that while commitments like marriage ask us to work through these “unspeakable acts,” dating gives you the opportunity to “see what you’re gettin’ wit’ before you get wit’ it.” (I stole that line from a Jerry Springer hillbilly, he he.)  So, since this is the time where you both are free to see if the other person is the right fit for you, I encourage you to keep doing what you’re doing, and use it wisely ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.