friends with benefits – The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols

Guys Are Only Interested In Having Sex With Me

October 22, 2020October 22, 2020 tashacaufield1 Comment

Dear Megan,

I feel like sex is all I have to offer because guys mainly seek me for this.

I’m in my early 20s and am absolutely fed up with the way my male peers treat and look at me. I’ve only been with one guy in my entire life, but before and after our relationship I was always ogled, groped, and treated like a sex object.

I never understood why guys would perceive me this way because I am incredibly shy and introverted. People mainly describe me as shy and sweet as well because of my youthful appearance. Ironically, guys my age and older will sometimes lead me on after socializing with them by asking me to meet them at their apartments, go out on dates, and eventually spend time with them to have sex after. Sitting next to them, they’ll blatantly put their hands on my hips, insert their hands in my hoodie pockets, or try to feel me up whenever they ask for a hug.

I never lead them on in any way. I just engage with them with politeness, friendliness, and kindness. I use a lot of empathy and give my full attention when talking to them. Almost like a “therapist,” but only because I genuinely want to get to know them and be a good listener. However, they’ll later turn these interactions into something sexual or flirtatious. I want to be a b*tch to them, but that’s not who I am.

I’ve been internalizing these persistent experiences for a couple of years. Also wondering if sex is something I should start having since it’s all they want from me in the end. I only want to lose it in a committed relationship, but I’m afraid the guy will bounce after I give it to him or, worst, stick around solely for that.

I’ve also thought about escorting and porn, given the way guys look at and talk about my body. I really feel like it may be all I have to offer, but I think it’s too extreme and goes against my beliefs.

Please help!

-Fresh Meat

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Dear “Fresh Meat,”

Ahh… I miss those days… The days when guys only cared about what was in my pants… Now they care about what’s in both my pants AND wallet! Lol… But seriously, I couldn’t be MORE excited about this question because it addresses so much of what I deal with in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.” So, without further ado, let’s get to unpacking this baggage.

To begin with, let’s get the things you seem confused about just because you’re, you know, in your early 20s and don’t have enough experience to know certain things, out of the way. (And trust me, that isn’t a knock on you. I was so naïve when I was your age I didn’t even know guys were trying to have sex with me when we were kissing in their bedroom! [Forehead, meet palm.])

Firstly, you’ll want to note that when you hang out with a wolf – aka guy – alone in an intimate setting, especially after a date, he’s likely to make a move. And since most of us girls are willing to be “b*tches” with strong boundaries, your kind reactions to their unwanted advances will be perceived as you “wanting it,” aka giving them the greenlight, or “leading them on.”

With that said, understand that their behavior isn’t so unique to you that it justifies altering your self-image, or ideas about your self-worth. However, you are smart to turn the lens on yourself when it comes to you internalizing these “persistent experiences” for years. That, my dear, is where you’ve gotten off track and lost in the weeds somewhere with no clue as to who you are. So it’s understandable that you feel rotten about yourself as a result.

To state matters clearly, what we have here is a simple case of you, as the creator of your own reality, losing control over your ability to create experiences that you want; which in this case are romantic encounters where you feel valued.

At some point in your internalizing and focusing on undesirable advances from the men you entertained, you got WAY too much momentum going in the direction of attracting more of the same – (because what you give your attention to magnifies and keeps showing up in your experience by way of energetic invitation. Just like when you were a kid and you gave your attention to, say, the color blue, and before you knew it you saw the color blue EVERYWHERE.) Now, as a result of you getting so much momentum going in an unwanted direction, your work is simply to re-embrace your creative power, and steer your ship around to creating what it is you DO want to experience.

Now, before I tell you how that’s done, I want to point out that some people find it helpful to know why they decided to focus on a specific thing, and take things so personally that they allowed it to distract them from creating their own desires, so that they can avoid certain traps or triggers to do so again in the future.

If you feel that that’s the path for you allow me to go on a quick rant and affirm that, contrary to what some believe, consistently attracting men who try to get into your pants on dates is NOT about what you wear or don’t wear, (to a certain extent, of course. If you show up nude I can’t help you, lol.) Some people like to blame women for inappropriate, (and sometimes even violent), behavior from men based on what they’re wearing, but I’m happy to report that it’s a guy’s character and personality that will determine how he treats the woman in front of him, not what she looks like. A man is who he is. I have friends who dress and act like saints who can’t get a guy to take them seriously for the life of them, while me and my cleavage and legs stay breezy and I get treated very well, and taken very, very seriously.

At the end of the day, it is the energy that you put out, that will determine what type of men and behavior you attract and constantly have lingering around you. And if you’re attracting a bunch of wolves with impatient or shallow behavior you may find it helpful to know how you cultivated that energy.

For some examples, you could be attracting them due to emotional unavailability on your part from things like abandonment issues or a previous relationship, and/or daddy issues – (remember my videos on “Daddy Issues” and “How to Tell if You’re Emotionally Available?”) There could be sexual trauma in your background that you subconsciously want to deal with, or you yourself may just be horny but sexually repressed in an attempt to maintain a “good” image… Maybe you have insecurities that need to be addressed, or don’t trust that you know how to create intimacy with another person so you hand over the reins to guys, (who often times are able to experience intimacy through sex before most women are ready to – especially after you’ve become their therapist), only to be reminded that they’re moving at a pace you’re not comfortable with and that you really should trust yourself. Maybe deep down you like exploring your effect on men but still aren’t willing to settle for just sex when you really want love. Maybe you know you’re looking for love in the wrong places and are stalled romantically as a result. Or maybe you simply just let your curiosity or people-pleasing tendencies get you into bad spots. Whatever it is, if you want to know the “why” as to how you got yourself into this situation, feel free to delve into that work with the help of a counselor, and/or deep thinking/self-analysis with things like journaling, books, etc.

And for my final note before I go into the “game plan” for getting what you want, let me address your interest in adult work as a result of all this “attention,” (which I further speak to in this video on “How to Use Your Looks To Get Ahead In Life: The Adult Version.”) When you’re young you’re still learning a lot about what feels right for you and what doesn’t, so I not only understand your inclination to consider adult work, but I applaud your willingness to explore life on your own terms.

Just like a tall, thin girl is informed that she can be a model; or a big, 300 lb. boy is told that he should play football, certain people do have an unshakable sexy quality whose utilization is encouraged – (e.g. Marilyn Monroe, who was at first very disappointed when her acting teacher informed her of that quality in her, eventually came down on the decision to embrace it). For many it feels like you’re doomed to not be taken seriously, so you’re tempted to just say F-it and “give the people what they want.”

However, entry into the adult industry, like every other decision you make, is best done if it comes from a place of self-love, fun, curiosity, and a certain degree of clarity; not disillusionment, rebellion, and a feeling of hopelessness. So just as you’re determined to stick to your guns when making that decision, go one step further and stay true to your desire to have intimate encounters you’ll actually enjoy, feel safe and adored in, experience chemistry etc. You know, all that stuff I mentioned in “What to Look for in a Man AND Relationship.”

Now, as far as the game plan goes for getting your ship to go in the direction of what it is you want, your work is to (1) break the momentum you currently have going in the perpetuation of unwanted intimate experiences by giving your attention to something else… Anything else…

Decide to take a break from dating and focus on other things you enjoy. Then, (2) when your feelings of frustration over what you’ve been attracting in the dating world aren’t as strong, begin to focus on what you DO want to feel when you’re in the presence of a man. Write it down, and find images or songs, etc. that reflect the feelings you want to feel, even going into the why of what you want to feel, and really allow yourself to get tuned into the frequency of love.

And to further stay connected with your vision, refuse to entertain anything that’s not a match. When meeting new guys, incorporate phrases and modes of operating that reflect your new “vision-supporting boundaries.” Responses like: “Thanks for the invitation, but I prefer not to hang out in intimate settings before I really get to know a person,” or “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll meet you at the restaurant, (or will Uber home),” etc. should not only give a guy an idea of what you’re about, but it’ll also give you more time to see if he’s a match to your vision.

In a world with so many people who want different things, at times you may observe something that momentarily causes you to lose sight of your vision, or occasionally attract a guy who’s not on the same page as you, but don’t beat yourself up or dwell on it as that’ll just keep you separated from the frequency of love and thereby hold up your creative process. In those moments, practice self -compassion, (as I mention in “Inner Beauty Secrets”), and keep it moving.

The right guy who is a match to your desires will eventually come along.

But, remember, as I pointed out in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” a wolf is still a wolf, meaning he’s still gonna want fresh meat. Which is okay, because under the right circumstances you’ll want his meat, too. For now, you just have to position yourself to attract someone who’s got all the other things you want to feel when in both the presence of a man and a relationship. And rest assured that when you do, you two will have no trouble feasting upon each other. Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Should we break up over “cheating” before we were official?

August 10, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufield1 Comment

Dear Megan,

Before my boyfriend and I “officially” became a couple, we spent a year getting to know each other. During this period we were intimate, so I wasn’t dating any other guys and was pretty serious about building a relationship with him. During most of this period, however, I ended up finding out that he was dating several girls, being intimate with all of them, and deceiving all of them by not telling any of us he was also hooking up with other girls. Basically, he was a Player.

However, as time went on, him and I became very, very close; and I was sure that he had stopped talking to all the other girls because he told me “he wasn’t pursuing anyone else,” and a couple months later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we have had the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship for the last year and a half.

So, yesterday I found out that during the couple months right before we officially became a couple, he in fact WAS still seeing other girls. “Not pursuing anyone” meant that he wasn’t hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup. What’s worse, I found out he was hooking up with his best friend’s girlfriend, who is my friend too!

Here is my dilemma: We have had the most wonderful relationship since we became a couple. He wants to marry me, and I know he would never cheat on me. But constantly finding out about more and more girls that he hooked up with while we were dating really bothers me and has put a strain on the relationship. Especially recently finding out about him hooking up with other girls during the period I thought we were exclusive.

It hurts me because I didn’t know he was the type of person that would do that, especially with his best friend’s girlfriend. He apologizes endlessly, but says that since we weren’t “official,” it’s irrelevant. However, I feel that if I knew about all his deceitful actions at the time, I would have ended it then and we wouldn’t be in this great relationship we have today.

So, should I break up with him over things he did before we were officially a couple? It REALLY bothers me, and I feel like I don’t want to be with someone that could have done that to me, even though things are so much different now. I feel like enough is enough. There have been plenty of opportunities during our relationship to tell me everything, but I still keep finding out more and more. I don’t really trust him anymore, and feel like our relationship was built on lies and deceit. I feel like I want to end the relationship over this, but is that unfair?

-Feeling Duped

Dear “Feeling Duped,”

Excuse me as I place a stethoscope around my neck, shine a small flashlight into your ear, hold your tongue, and make you say “Ahhh…” Yep, see this all the time… What we have here is a classic case of “Girl who wanted real exclusivity, settled for a vague expression of one, and got hurt when she later found out that she, in fact, wasn’t her one-and-only’s one-and-only.” Okay, you can put your tongue back in.

Now, let’s get the obvious out of the way before getting to the nitty gritty of your dilemma. As your question suggests, you already know that unless a guy specifically asks for exclusivity, or for you to be his gIrLfRiEnD, (tee hee), you both are free to entertain other lads and lasses as you please. (And if you want things to be extra clear, it’s always nice to even state that expectation – you know, that he’ll have to ask for exclusivity – upfront, once you two realize you’re starting to like each other.)

So, since we here at sex symbol central know to NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING, you know this wolf technically didn’t do anything wrong. Hell, he may have even done something RIGHT, as, according to you, your ignorance of what he was doing allowed you two to have “the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship” for the last year and a half.

However, fact remains that now you’re not only not-so-ignorant of his past behavior, you’re even repulsed by it. And to answer your question, I can confidently say, no, it is not unfair to want to break up with him over things he’s done in the past.

Just because someone technically didn’t do something wrong doesn’t mean that you have to like what they did. And given what you know today, it’s totally okay for you to question if this is someone you want to be with.

Do you want to be with someone who sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend?

Do you want to be with someone who uses lawyer-like tactics to get out of being completely open and honest with you about what he’s doing?

Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t view sexual intimacy as sacredly as you do?

You’re totally entitled to re-evaluate the relationship based on what you now know.

However, since you already have a relationship you enjoy, and none are perfect, (despite your earlier claim), you may want to just use what you now know to create some new agreements and clarify expectations that were never articulated up until this point.

If you choose that route, you’ll want to make sure it’s clear to him that you want him to be open and upfront about what he’s doing, and that withholding information will not suffice as a form of truth in your book.

When it comes to addressing his promiscuity in the months post-“vague” exclusivity, pre-“official” exclusivity, you’re first going to have to accept it as the price you have to pay for allowing a vague expression of exclusivity to get past you – I know, bummer – and second, learn from it. Reiterate your new agreement for a clear, “full-disclosure” form of communicating that honors the “intent of the law,” not the letter of it, and be prepared to stand by whatever consequence you two agree on for violation of your agreement.

Lastly, when it comes to sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend, well, you’ll want to further pick his brain there. If his best friend gave him the thumbs up, then, while many loyal wolves would have probably still steered clear, he’s once again only guilty of having an approach to sex that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. If, however, this was a betrayal on his part, you’ll want to hear him out so you gain insight into his views on loyalty and see if they align with your own.

I say all this to not only remind you that you have legitimate options, but to help you to realize that ultimately the right choice is dependent on how you feel. Consequently, the only decision you have to make is to simply do what feels better. If staying with him, creating new agreements, and learning to accept a less than picture-perfect past feels good, do that. If walking away and holding out for someone you believe you can co-create a more open and honest foundation with, and whose approach to sex and relationships/friendships is one that aligns more with your own values feels better, do that.

At the end of the day, it’s important to trust your intuition, even if you can’t rationalize it. After all, unlike lovers, it doesn’t need an “official” agreement to always have your back ;). Best of luck.