I am going crazy because I have no one to talk to and no idea what to do. I have been best friends with who I’ll call “C” for a few years and we are very close. About a year ago he confessed that he was in love with me, however I had just started dating my current boyfriend, “T”. So fast forward to now, C is still in love with me, we work together and hang out all the time and he is my true best friend, and he is deeply in love with me still and tries every way he can to be with me.
My boyfriend and I live together and he is great. He is handsome and tall, and we have great sex and don’t fight much. However, in the beginning of our relationship we did have problems because he lied to me and talked to other girls, but that ended and hasn’t been going on for over a year now. Bottom line is, I am torn because I have developed feelings for C and they just keep getting stronger, to the point where I have considered breaking up with T… But every time I try to break up with him, I feel horrible and think of all the good things and I wonder why I’m even doing this. But then later I regret not breaking up with him because I see C and talk to him and I just want to kiss him so bad.
I don’t know which man I will be happier with, and I don’t know how I will ever decide. I don’t want to make a mistake because I will lose one of them no matter what 😦
“Oh no, I have two guys fawning over me! How ever do I choose?” Lol. Life’s so hard, isn’t it? Haha. But seriously, “Torn,” I feel you. For those of us who know that there are a ton of nice, eligible bachelors out there this is, indeed, our reality. And the question then becomes, as you’ve stated, “How do I know which one I’ll be happier with so that I can pick the right one?”
In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” my girls say, “it takes a village,” and it seems that you’re dabbling in that philosophy, as well. You’ve got one need, (your emotional need), being met by a wolf, er, guy, (sorry, old habit), who’s masquerading as a best friend; and another need, (your physical need), being met by your boyfriend. On the surface it sounds like one connection is deep and the other is superficial, but I’m not convinced that that’s the case given the fact that your best friend’s conflict-causing agenda leaves little room for soul satisfaction; and the details you didn’t provide about “the good things” you have with your current boyfriend may, in fact, be very meaningful. At any rate, I’ll just do what I was probably going to do anyway, and that’s teach you how to fish.
When torn between two guys, it’s first important to get clear on what you want in life and in a relationship, (and I’ll explain why later). Imagine the best version of yourself. You living out your dreams and doing things you find very fulfilling, things that feel good. Now, which guy do you see by your side helping you brainstorm solutions to problems that come up, celebrating your victories, and carrying you through moments of let-down and doubt?
And since the flow of love is not just about receiving but giving, you’ll also want to look at which guy has a vision for his life, as well as a decision-making process you respect, that you can get behind.
You should also want to touch, and by touch I mean tooouucchhhh, your man; but know that “decent” sex-lives can get better, while shared visions and mutual respect are either there or they aren’t.
With all that said, if you want to live “happily ever after,” the most important thing to look for in a man you have chemistry with is, not just a willingness, but a capacity to do the hard work relationships require for growth over time. Does he meet relationship challenges, (not just work-related ones), head on; or does he run for the hills or avoid? Most guys are great during the fun times, but for you to make it through the tough times you’ll have to have someone who’s committed. Right now you know more about how your boyfriend handles conflict, and him changing his untrustworthy ways in the beginning of your relationship is a good sign that he knows how to take ownership and adjust his behavior for the sake of a relationship. Your best friend may also be a committed guy, but you won’t know that until you actually date him.
Which brings me back to why your first assignment is getting clear on who you are. You see, your real question, “Should I leave a good relationship for one that might be better for me?” is a question you can ask in any relationship – (even one you might take up with your current best friend) – until infinity. So the goal is really to get so in touch with yourself that your dream guy becomes as clear to you as your dream career, or your dream house, vacation, best friend, etc. You then eliminate the notion of a “better” partner, and become left with – dare I say it – an unmistakable soul mate… “This is my man,” you’ll be able to proudly declare. “This is the one who is in harmony with my soul and my deepest desires.” And from that standpoint either a guy will fit the bill or he won’t. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
So get clear on who you are, “Torn,” and you’ll see that the guy you end up with was never an option, but, in fact, The One.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.