I was just wondering if you could pass along some advice to me.
Me and this guy I’ve talked to for six months finally met for the first time last month, (I bought us dinner). We met again last week for dinner and then went to a show.
On the way to the show he asked what I was looking for, (we both had a mutual understanding that I wanted something long-term, beforehand), and I said a boyfriend.
He stated that he was into this guy that lives 3 1/2 hours away, it hasn’t gone anywhere, and he is frustrated because he wants it to go somewhere but it hasn’t. He said he just needs to get over his feelings for that guy, and I understand that, but that can take time.
I am just very disappointed. He had also said that we could still hangout, (he said that these weren’t even dates, just hanging out); but I told him that I want to know what to expect though. I told him at the end of the “hangout” that I thought we’d make a cute couple. He said, “I think we would too, and I didn’t realize that until tonight.”
Overall, I just want your thoughts, please. I want to be with him, but I know that I cannot control another’s emotions/nor chase someone. I think I’m just going to let him be and have him get a hold of me. I just hope that he does because I really, really, really like him!
-Not Straight, and *Definitely* No Chaser
Dear “Not Straight, and Definitely No Chaser,”
And an enthusiastic “Hi!” back to you! Lol… It’s not everyday I come across someone as put together as you, (whispers in ear: between you and me, everyone else who comes here is pretty much cRaZy…) Lol. Just kidding, you guys. You know I love ya’ll…
Anyway, on to your “situationship” and my two cents… What I see here is a good ‘ol classic, “I really (really, really) like him BUT,” scenario that will feel a whole lot better when you turn it into an “I really (really, really) like him AND” one. And by that I mean it’s about high time you shifted your focus from the (perceived) downsides of this encounter to its upsides.
You see, when you’ve come across someone who’s got a lot of the qualities that you want in a mate, but not all of them, resist the urge to get butt hurt thinking about all the things that aren’t harmonious with your desires – (e.g. “I really, really, really, like him BUT he’s trying to put me in the friendzone and keep me as a back-up option”) – and instead focus on all the things you’ve gained from the situation – (like confirmation that someone with qualities that you do want in a mate is out there AND that they’re drawn to you… Score!)
From that newfound perspective you can simply add the things that this guy lacks – (things like a desire to be with you that’s so strong that wild horses couldn’t keep you two apart) – to the clearer and ever more vivid vision of your ideal mate that’s steadily emerging from crush to crush. (e.g. “I really, really, really like him AND I like it when I’m a ‘must-have’ for another and not just an option.”)
Focusing on your vision, and not every close-but-no-cigar Tom, Dick, and Harry that shows up in front of you, (no matter how yummy), will not only give you the energy you need to stay positive in the face of disappointment, but it’s a necessary step in getting on the same wavelength/becoming compatible with the things that you want in life.
And note that while this guy may still end up becoming the perfect match you’re waiting for, you’re right to not try to control another’s feelings or chase after him. After all, that will just keep you focused on what you don’t want – (someone you have to work to get to love you) – in the process, which is what keeps things you don’t want present in your life.
Chillin’… Daydreaming… Noticing and appreciating where the qualities that you desire in a mate show up in some of your other relationships, (including the one you have with yourself), and becoming all that you desire in another is what will allow that like-minded, dream-boat you’re fantasizing about to show up in your life.
So stay open. Celebrate your newfound hope and clarity. And, as you said, allow him, or someone else who’s just as or more delicious than him, to get ahold of you when ready, (and not one second sooner ;)). Best of luck!
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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.