Tag: relationship advice

To chase or not to chase, that is the question.

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

 

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If it wasn’t a good look for Jim Carrey, it’s probably not a good look for you, lol.

Hi, Megan!

I was just wondering if you could pass along some advice to me.

Me and this guy I’ve talked to for six months finally met for the first time last month, (I bought us dinner). We met again last week for dinner and then went to a show.

On the way to the show he asked what I was looking for, (we both had a mutual understanding that I wanted something long-term, beforehand), and I said a boyfriend.

He stated that he was into this guy that lives 3 1/2 hours away, it hasn’t gone anywhere, and he is frustrated because he wants it to go somewhere but it hasn’t. He said he just needs to get over his feelings for that guy, and I understand that, but that can take time.

I am just very disappointed. He had also said that we could still hangout, (he said that these weren’t even dates, just hanging out); but I told him that I want to know what to expect though.  I told him at the end of the “hangout” that I thought we’d make a cute couple. He said, “I think we would too, and I didn’t realize that until tonight.”

Overall, I just want your thoughts, please. I want to be with him, but I know that I cannot control another’s emotions/nor chase someone. I think I’m just going to let him be and have him get a hold of me. I just hope that he does because I really, really, really like him!

Thank you!

-Not Straight, and *Definitely* No Chaser

 

Dear “Not Straight, and Definitely No Chaser,”

And an enthusiastic “Hi!” back to you! Lol…  It’s not everyday I come across someone as put together as you, (whispers in ear: between you and me, everyone else who comes here is pretty much cRaZy…)  Lol. Just kidding, you guys.  You know I love ya’ll…

Anyway, on to your “situationship” and my two cents… What I see here is a good ‘ol classic, “I really (really, really) like him BUT,” scenario that will feel a whole lot better when you turn it into an “I really (really, really) like him AND” one.  And by that I mean it’s about high time you shifted your focus from the (perceived) downsides of this encounter to its upsides.

You see, when you’ve come across someone who’s got a lot of the qualities that you want in a mate, but not all of them, resist the urge to get butt hurt thinking about all the things that aren’t harmonious with your desires – (e.g. “I really, really, really, like him BUT he’s trying to put me in the friendzone and keep me as a back-up option”) – and instead focus on all the things you’ve gained from the situation – (like confirmation that someone with qualities that you do want in a mate is out there AND that they’re drawn to you…  Score!)

From that newfound perspective you can simply add the things that this guy lacks – (things like a desire to be with you that’s so strong that wild horses couldn’t keep you two apart) – to the clearer and ever more vivid vision of your ideal mate that’s steadily emerging from crush to crush. (e.g. “I really, really, really like him AND I like it when I’m a ‘must-have’ for another and not just an option.”)

Focusing on your vision, and not every close-but-no-cigar Tom, Dick, and Harry that shows up in front of you, (no matter how yummy), will not only give you the energy you need to stay positive in the face of disappointment, but it’s a necessary step in getting on the same wavelength/becoming compatible with the things that you want in life. 

And note that while this guy may still end up becoming the perfect match you’re waiting for, you’re right to not try to control another’s feelings or chase after him.  After all, that will just keep you focused on what you don’t want – (someone you have to work to get to love you) – in the process, which is what keeps things you don’t want present in your life.

Chillin’…  Daydreaming…  Noticing and appreciating where the qualities that you desire in a mate show up in some of your other relationships, (including the one you have with yourself), and becoming all that you desire in another is what will allow that like-minded, dream-boat you’re fantasizing about to show up in your life.

So stay open.  Celebrate your newfound hope and clarity.  And, as you said, allow him, or someone else who’s just as or more delicious than him, to get ahold of you when ready, (and not one second sooner ;)).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

How do you deal with a flaky friend?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment
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Fluffing pillows with your head is but one way to keep busy while waiting on a flaky friend

Dear Megan,

So, I have a flaky friend.  It makes me feel insignificant and unimportant that she asks me to do stuff, or we arrange things, then she either shows up super late or doesn’t show up at all.

I know it’s not a reflection on me but of her, but it still really hurts.  And I know I need to cut her out, but I like her and we have a lot in common. I just can’t go around feeling like rubbish anymore.

Please help!

-With Friends Like These…

 

 

Dear “With Friends Like These…,”

Amen, sister… In a world full of ghosters, headache-inducing family members, and plain ‘ol annoying associates, you would think that the one safe place to find respect and upliftment among others would be the “friend-zone,” right?  Well, wrong…  Or as the French would say, “au contraire, mon frère.”

When it comes to any type of quality relationship, you can only extract from it what you bring to it. So, I hate to say it, mi amiga, but if you don’t like how the soup tastes, we gotta look at what you’re putting into the pot. (Some of ya’ll already knew I would get right into it, huh, lol.)

When it comes to your situation, “With Friends Like These…,” if you want to get treated in a manner that shows respect for you and your time, you yourself have to bring to the relationship a sense of respect for you and your time.

You teach people how to treat you. 

And while you’re right that how she behaves is a reflection of her not you, how you allow her to behave in YOUR life, on the other hand, is a reflection of you and how you feel about yourself, not her.   

Alright, breathe…

Okay, ready to do the work?  Here we go…

In order to get the treatment you want from your relationships, you have to: (a) first know what you value, (b) know that you’re worthy of receiving what you value, and (c) create boundaries that support your values and sense of worthiness.

The good news is that Step A – knowing what you value – is super easy as it’s achieved through pure ‘ol life experience.  Observing what feels good vs. what feels shitty is the crux here, so all you have to do is note what feels good and store it under the “values” column.  (In this case, her late or no-show behavior has either taught you, or reinforced, that you value punctuality and behavior that shows consideration for another’s time.)

When it comes to Step B, on the other hand – knowing that you’re worthy of receiving what makes you feel good – things can get a bit trickier as it requires a nurtured self-esteem; which, if not there, involves a great deal of conscious effort…  Argh.

Fortunately, I’ve discussed nurturing your self-esteem in this article, as well as this one, where I even bring in the “big guns” via this Marissa Peer video. So with those resources, you’ll be well on the path to a healthy self-esteem in no time :).

Finally, once you know your values and have embraced the fact that you deserve good treatment, you’ll be able to perform Step C.  In this step you’ll create boundaries that will not only repel those who don’t respect you and your values/time, but you’ll attract those who do, (you’re welcome ;)).

Now, if it’s a new relationship where you’re still in the courting stage, (yes, this stage even exists in platonic friendships), all you have to do boundary-wise is observe the other’s behavior and see if it’s compatible with your values.

Remember Maya Angelou’s words, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time,” and if who they are is a match to what you value, congrats!  You just found yourself a new friend!…  If not…  Well, it’s time to have a quick “it’s not you, it’s me, girlfriend” talk.

If, however, this is a long-term, established friendship, where you both are already emotionally invested in each other, (like the one you’re talking about), you may be able to save the friendship by establishing new boundaries.  After all, you’re now bringing a new-found sense of self, (thanks to your higher self-esteem), to the relationship, so you’ll have to redefine how you both operate within the friendship. 

Let your friend know that when she does “x” it makes you feel “y,” and for the relationship to work you’re going to need her to start doing “z.” And mean it.

E.g. If you need her to show up when she says she’s going to show up, or call/text ahead of time when she’s running late or needs to cancel, tell her.  You can give her a warning for one goof-up if you like, but let her know that you’ll have to let her go if she does it again.

When talking, make sure to focus on the request you’re making, and not your criticism of her behavior.  That way you’ll keep the conversation focused on what you hope to get out it – which is a different behavior – opposed to a conversation full of blame on your part, and defensiveness and excuses on hers.  (And for more advice on having hard conversations, I highly recommend this article by Iyanla Vanzant.)

If she decides to stay and respect your new boundaries, (and therefore the healthier you), great! She may be a good friendship fit for you after all. If not, she may either disappear and come back later when she’s changed, or she may never come back at all.  But, rest assured, that in the space that she leaves in your life, someone who’s a better fit for the new and improved you will come in and fill that space perfectly.  Works every time.

Best of luck!

Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

What She Knows for Sure: Damn Good Advice on Life From a 90-Year Old Grandma

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

 

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Oh, if only grandma had said that… If only grandma had said that 😅

*UPDATE: CLICK HERER FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE*

 

Well, it’s that time again…  That time when I get so busy doing other stuff in life that I skimp out on answering a question and in its place give you all something way better than any advice I could ever give: Advice from someone who knows WAAAAAYYYYYYY more than me.

Friends, if ever there was solid advice to be found on the internet it is in Marc Chernoff’s “19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday.”  It is pure fire.

While most of grandma’s advice requires a shift in mentality, (e.g. many people live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing that they can customize everything), as someone who began making those shifts years ago I promise you that it’s worth it.

Additionally, most of the advice goes against mainstream ideas, (e.g. “sensitivity is a super power,” and “most of the time you don’t need more to be happier – you need less”), but as Thoreau once said, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” so to even have a shot at a good life, accepting that you’ll have to embrace a mentality that looks quite different from those around you comes with the territory.

Sure, this advice may be setting you up for an extra heaping of alienation at times – (okay, it totally is.  I mean, who are we kidding, marching to the beat of your own drum means others will not always hear your music.  [And don’t forget we went over trade-offs in “The Dirty Little Secret to Living the Life of Your Dreams…”])  But if you (1) prioritize how you feel, and (2) accept the fact that it’s more important for you to get you than for others to get you, you’ll be alright with it in the end.

So, go ahead and listen to grandma.  And, like everything else, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.  And for those of you sex symbols who can use it, may her grandmotherly advice give you any guidance, reassurance, and courage you need to continue to blaze your own path.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

Click here for “19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday”

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

What’s the point of a relationship?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

So please answer this. We want to be in a relationship with someone we can depend on, but we aren’t supposed to depend on others emotionally.  So what’s the point of even being with anyone? Seems like a catch 22.

-Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Needy

 

Dear “Needy” lol,

Hey, great question!  Thanks for writing! The answer is: sex.  Thanks, again!

Lol, just kidding…  Well, not really.  But I’m assuming you want a westernized, post-romantic era answer, so that, my friend, is what you will get ;)… (Oh, and since we’re dealing with romantic relationships here, I won’t go into those of the family/friend/co-worker/etc. variety, but I’m sure some of this stuff will still apply to them, too).

To begin with, let me just say that there was a time when I related to your confusion/frustration over relationships.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I even share the moment where I (metaphorically) shook my fist up at the sky and cursed the heavens for my seemingly unshakable desire for unconditional love with a rock-solid companion that seemed to prefer playing hide-and-seek with me.  So, yeah, you’ve definitely come to the right place.

And to answer your question, “What is the point of a relationship?” well, the answer is pretty much two-fold.  We enter relationships: (1) to enhance what we already have, and (2) to grow. 

Lemme explain. 

Dependability is a wonderful, feel-goody quality – (and since you’ve undoubtedly experienced what a lack of it in another feels like I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sell you on that trait) – hence why we desire it so much in a mate.  However, we were never meant to become dependent on others for anything we can give ourselves.

People are fickle.  And I say that not in a bitter “trust no one” tone, but in a “people got their own sh*t going on and therefore can’t be stable enough to meet your needs consistently” one.   Fortunately, we were all born with the ability to tap into whatever emotional reserves we need to buoy ourselves up at any given time, so we don’t need to depend on another for (emotional) oxygen when we have our own supply. (And while it might take some of us a while to find our own supply, trust me, it’s there.)

Does that make relationships useless?  Not really.

While I admit that relationships aren’t necessary for a happy and fulfilling life – (recall that I believe that nothing outside of yourself can make you happy) – nor do you need relationships for getting through tough times, observing and interacting with others in a harmonious and loving way just flat-out feels good.  And since loving and supporting yourself feels good, and others doing it to/with you feels good, you end up with an orgy of feel-goods!  Or, more academically speaking, we invite relationships into our life to compound good feelings. We just love the cherry-on-top fun, love, and support they can bring.

Less enthusiastically, we also get into relationships as a vehicle for growth.  When we open ourselves up emotionally to another, they’re then able to trigger things deep down inside of us that we subconsciously want to heal or change for further expansion/growth.  That’s why a “soulmate” can bring you both great joy, and great misery.  Facing stuff inside of you that you don’t like and want to change can range from feeling slightly uncomfortable to downright painful.  Nonetheless, that person’s ability to “get to you” is why you entered into a relationship with them.  Whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not.  (Sorry, lol.)

So, there you have it, “Needy.”  The point of a relationship is to magnify whatever you got goin’ on at the time.  Whether you want to compound the awesomeness you’re experiencing, the support you need, and/or just become aware of something undesirable inside of you, “there’s a significant other for that.”

Just make sure that your “want” for a relationship doesn’t turn into a “need” if you want to reap the full benefits of all the wonderful stuff relationships have to offer. Otherwise you’ll keep finding yourself stuck in Oz, when, like Dorothy, you have the power to get yourself home all along.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

To get a boob job, or not get a boob job? That is the question.

tashacaufieldLeave a comment
boob smash
Unfortunately, the decision to get implants is more about how you feel than your ability to smash bricks with them

Dear Megan,

Hi, I need your advice on implants. 

A long time ago I got implants, which worked out great for many years until one day one ruptured and slowly deflated. My doctor told me to get it replaced or my sex life would be over, and true enough I have not had one intimate relationship since. All I’ve done is work, buy a house, raise my kids etc., and it’s been over 15 years. I was simply too embarrassed to imagine a man’s reaction to my… “situation,” but now I want to find someone to be in my life.

Anyway, I can afford to get new implants now, but I’m 64. Is that too old or ridiculous? What do you think? I’m still very attractive and I don’t want to be single for the next 15 years. I’d feel a lot sexier if I had some boobs.

Thanks,

– Trying to Get Out of Kansas Because Everything Here Is Flat

 

Dear “Trying to Get Out of Kansas Because Everything Here Is Flat,”

You know what?  I’m going to put aside any boob jokes, (minus the nickname I gave you), and get straight to doing what I do best – teaching ya’ll ladies how to fish – because whenever you’re faced with a decision about your life and your body, and you’re asking someone else what you should do with it?  Well, just know that you’re wandering down the wrong path and will end up somewhere in the ditches before you know it.

Since the goal behind any decision is to make the choice that will feel good, (or better than the other choice), the only way you can make the right decision here is to focus on what feels good to you.

To be clear, whoever you attract in your life just echoes how you feel about yourself deep down.  So, if you’re unhappy with your looks you’re going to attract someone who feeds that insecurity.  And if you’re happy with your looks, you’ll attract a wolf who, well, could give two sh*ts about your “situation.”

And while I agree that a boob job is one of many ways to get “happy with your looks,” the decision to get your titties done, believe it or not, still comes down to the classic, “You only ever have one choice: between love and fear” maxim.  Do you want to get implants because you think having them will make you feel good?  Or because you’re afraid you’ll be alone if you don’t.

If you haven’t gotten “still” long enough to listen to yourself, and have allowed outside influences to drown out your inner voice, chances are that the answer to even that question is murky.  So right now the clarity/answer you’re looking for can only be found when you stop listening to what others tell you you should do with your body, and get still long enough to hear your inner voice’s answer in the form of an impulse, (you’ll most likely receive it upon waking one morning, but it can come any time).

And for further guidance, as my favorite teacher, Abraham Hicks, puts it, “If the impulse comes from a joyous thought that feels good, follow it. If the impulse comes from an uncomfortable thought that felt bad, don’t follow it.”   

However, if you’re like most people and feel that you “ain’t got time for all that inner-searching, woo-woo stuff,” (i.e. just want me to give you the fish), well, since you end your email with “I’d feel a lot sexier if I had some boobs,” go get yourself some titties, girl.  Just know that until you take the time to harmonize with what’s on your inside, not only can no one else, but any peace you find, like them soon-to-be spectacular jugs on your chest, will be temporary.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Why won’t he propose?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment
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WARNING: Obsessions with getting a ring can lead to loss of teeth, baggy eyes, pasty skin, and extreme weight loss.

Dear Megan,

Okay. Here goes. My boyfriend of 4 years bought a ring in Jan/Feb, which I wasn’t meant to know about, but he did a silly thing in the process of buying which meant I then found out about it. Anyway… 9 months later he still hasn’t proposed and it has become such a huge issue in our relationship.

I don’t understand why he bought the ring if he wasn’t planning on proposing any time soon. He keeps telling me that he wants it to be special, yet there have been plenty of opportunities for a special proposal. Meanwhile, about 3 months ago he bought me a promise ring which confused me further as I feel as though he’s trying to put off proposing.

I feel like he’s changed his mind. I desperately want to be engaged and all my friends are getting engaged/married, and I so desperately want to be able to say to the world we are, too. I know he has the ring, and supposedly wants to be married, too, but he just won’t pop the question. We argue about it a lot, and I just don’t really know what to do anymore.

Why hasn’t he proposed? Is something wrong? Please help!!

-Misses Gollum

 

Dear “Misses Gollum,”

Good Lord, nine months is a helluva long time to be waiting around for a ring that’s sitting in the other room. Bummer that you found out about it… And then got a promise ring… I guess that’s sorta better than getting a “shut-up ring,” (which is what most engagement rings turn into when a girl keeps nagging.) Hell, you got two rings outta your frustration, so it’s definitely better! But I digress. On to your question.

So, you wanna know why he hasn’t proposed, huh? What the hold-up is… Well, unless your dude’s lying to you, (or himself), it looks like he actually already told you. He wants it to be special, which for him may not only mean waiting for the right physical space/way, but the right mental one.

You see, a lot of wolves have gotten pretty tired of us women pressuring them into getting married, only to be the first one to turn around, file for divorce when our fantasy of married life doesn’t match the reality of it, and potentially take half of their shit. So, here, we gotta give it to the fellas and their long-sighted approach.

Now, what this means for you is that while, technically, your concern that he’s putting it off is right, that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong. While many women in your shoes would see his hesitation as a sign of commitment issues, or something like that, the truth of the matter is that many times, when a man is holding off from marrying a woman he loves and does want to have a future with, it’s because he’s afraid of one thing and one thing only: a bad marriage. (And, unfortunately, nagging only feeds any fear of being stuck in a bad marriage with a selfish, demanding devil-woman. Crikey.)

Yep, as strange as it is, despite their dimness in many other areas, a lot of men often figure out earlier than women that there’s a difference between being married and being happily married. And your guy’s lack of urgency is most likely due to him just wanting to make sure that things start out on the right foot.

So, my advice? Instead, of pressuring him to do something that he is in some way not ready to do, use this time to focus on making sure you have the right foundation for a life-long marriage.

Make sure your values when it comes to top marriage-killers – like money, religion, infidelity, illness, and kids – are aligned. Double-check your intimacy needs and each other’s capacity and willingness to satisfy them. Participate in relationship counseling in person or with a book like “Getting the Love You Want,” by Harville Hendrix, in order to get to know each other on an even deeper level. And come up with a solid game plan for how you’re going to deal with life’s unexpected challenges together.

Once everything checks out, and both of you are confident that you have what it takes to go the distance, communicate your engagement time-frame desires to your beau, and find out what his are. If both of you are on the same page, you should be able to come up with a “by Christmas” or “by summer” type of date that you both feel good about. Then, let it go, and enjoy your life. After all, the real secret to a good marriage is two, happy and whole people coming together and enjoying the shit out of life with each other.

If, however, you two can’t settle on a “by” date, or you do and he backs out of it?… Well, time to start working on your Beyoncé “Single Ladies” wave, and picking winners.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your engagement in advance. It looks like you got a good one.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Heading to Home Depot and Lowe’s to try and meet men… Good idea?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

On a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to go to a hardware store like Lowe’s or Home Depot to meet a man?

Break it to me gently.

-Looking for the Honey in a “Honey Do List”

 

Dear “Looking for the Honey in a ‘Honey Do List,’”

Allllll right… Since I’ve previously shared hot spots for meeting select wolves, I guess I’ll be game and give you my two cents on hardwood stores. So here it is:

First off, real men go to Ace Hardware.  Lol, just kidding…  In all seriousness, don’t worry. You actually picked an understandable spot in said hardwood stores. Any woman worth her salt knows that walking into a Lowe’s or Home Depot is like stepping into a post-apocalyptic world where all the women are dead and the remaining, somehow slightly more attractive men welcome you with double takes, bright eyes, and bushy tails…  Sexual tension abounds, and you find yourself thinking, “Man, why don’t I come here more often?”

But, on a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to actually go to a Home Depot or Lowe’s to meet men? I’d give it about a 2.5.

It’s true. The place is packed with testosterone, and some of that testosterone will be single and available – (hence the points I gave it).  However, I can’t recommend the place in good conscious due to the fact that: (1) given the wide variety of men who go there, any guy who fits what you’re looking for in a man will be in the extreme minority, (2) it’s simply too hard of a place for your needle-in-a-haystack man to naturally start a conversation with you that has enough legs to ask you out, and (3) the place is boring AF. (And as far as I know, going about your business, enjoying your life, and not walking around looking “thirsty” is still the best way to meet a man.)

My suggestion? Go on a dating site and put terms like “fix things,” “working on my house,” “working with my hands,” and “handy” into the keyword search to meet your Home Depot-prowling fella.  Then, if you see someone you like, hit him up with something like, “Hey, nice profile. Any idea how to fix [your fake broken thing around your place]?” If he likes what he sees, he’ll keep the conversation going.  If not, you’ll at least have saved yourself gas money and an unnecessary application of heat to your hair.

However, if you’re tired of the online thing, I recommend either choosing something you might enjoy from this list, or something else you find fun and easy. Because while walking around being bored is not the ideal way to meet a man, walking around being fun and easy is. (Well, not easy in that way… Ugh, stupid, catchy endings that don’t work… Anyway, you know what I mean.)  Happy dating!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

To settle or not to settle? Gay/bi man on dating women. Help!

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Dear Megan,

I’m not able to find much of this on the internet as most searches direct me to gay men married to women who don’t know their husbands are gay, and my question is about gay/bi men who ultimately decide to date women again.  So hopefully you can help.

I’m gay. I find women attractive, and enjoy sex with them, but my preference is for men by far. I would like to find a man to share my life with, but since starting to come out a few years ago I’ve had a difficult time finding a guy that knocks me off my feet. I have a female friend – she’s a coworker, close friend, and we actually briefly dated- who knows I’m gay. She’s been trying to date and is having a horrible time meeting the right guy, as well. We’re both in our 30s. We’re both looking, unsuccessfully.

We’re both lonely. We share a lot of values and goals. We have a lot in common as far as friends, lifestyle, and coworkers go. But I don’t know what kind of passionate sex would be there… Would it be crazy to entertain dating her if I’m honest with her?

I acknowledge that this could be playing with fire. I’m more curious if this is a pattern that others have observed. Lonely gay man and lonely straight female find love and companionship in each other. I don’t want to call it a marriage of convenience, but after a long conversation with her today about our trials and tribulations with dating, it crossed my mind and got me wondering…  Thoughts?

-Don’t Call Me Will Truman

 

Dear “Don’t Call Me Will Truman,”

Wowzers.  It’s not every day I get to introduce a gay man to WAG (“Will & Grace”), but I can assure you that if you binge watch the 1998-2006 revolutionary hit sitcom this weekend you’ll have your answer…  But perhaps you want a more personal response than a lazy “Now, remember kids, what did TV teach you?” one, so here it goes.

According to you, you’d like to find a man to share your life with but can’t seem to meet a wolf that knocks you off your feet.  In comes your female coworker friend.  You get along well… you’re both in the same boat… you have similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc… and now it’s got you thinking, “Maybe we should just be together…”

No, you’re not crazy to entertain the thought.  For, gay or straight, your logic has taken you to the same place everyone who gets tired of dating ends up, and it’s called the land of settling…  To settle or not to settle, that, indeed, is the question.

Interestingly, the answer to your question of settling is two-fold.  When it comes to whether or not you should pursue your female coworker friend, the answer is no.  Why?  Because you declared that you want to share your life with a man.  Period.  End of story.  Thanks for coming.  It’s been fun.  (Hey, don’t get mad at me that you let a clear desire slip from your pen and I refused to overlook it in your state of confusion…  But alright, you got me. There’s more.  After all, I did say the answer was two-fold…)

However, you are right in letting this female friend run interference in your love life.  You see, not only have you given yourself an awesome partner to help combat your loneliness and do “couple stuff” with while you wait for Mr. Right, but you’ve allowed yourself to see that you’re capable and ready to be more open in your dating criteria and, well, let’s just say, “adjust” your standards.  With that knowledge, you can then extend the criteria you used to consider settling down with this female coworker to men instead of limiting Mr. Right to someone who knocks you off your feet.

When you focus on cultivating more friendships, like the one you’ve developed with your coworker, with men, you’ll increase your chances of meeting like-minded souls with similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc., who also fit your desire to share your life with a man.  And, don’t worry, you don’t have to give up your desire to be with someone who knocks you off of your feet, just know that “knocked off your feet” moments don’t always come in the beginning.  Sometimes they come after you’ve already started to get to know someone, and sometimes they even take a couple years!  Hence the surprise.

So, do follow the criteria you have with your coworker and “settle” for a deeper connection with the man you see yourself sharing your life with when you close your eyes.  And don’t let dating fatigue discourage you from starting fresh, staying open, and enjoying the harmonious relationships you’ve cultivated in your life thus far…  At least until you’re 87.  Settle all you want then.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Should we break up over “cheating” before we were official?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

Before my boyfriend and I “officially” became a couple, we spent a year getting to know each other. During this period we were intimate, so I wasn’t dating any other guys and was pretty serious about building a relationship with him. During most of this period, however, I ended up finding out that he was dating several girls, being intimate with all of them, and deceiving all of them by not telling any of us he was also hooking up with other girls. Basically, he was a Player.

However, as time went on, him and I became very, very close; and I was sure that he had stopped talking to all the other girls because he told me “he wasn’t pursuing anyone else,” and a couple months later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we have had the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship for the last year and a half.

So, yesterday I found out that during the couple months right before we officially became a couple, he in fact WAS still seeing other girls. “Not pursuing anyone” meant that he wasn’t hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup. What’s worse, I found out he was hooking up with his best friend’s girlfriend, who is my friend too!

Here is my dilemma: We have had the most wonderful relationship since we became a couple. He wants to marry me, and I know he would never cheat on me. But constantly finding out about more and more girls that he hooked up with while we were dating really bothers me and has put a strain on the relationship. Especially recently finding out about him hooking up with other girls during the period I thought we were exclusive.

It hurts me because I didn’t know he was the type of person that would do that, especially with his best friend’s girlfriend. He apologizes endlessly, but says that since we weren’t “official,” it’s irrelevant. However, I feel that if I knew about all his deceitful actions at the time, I would have ended it then and we wouldn’t be in this great relationship we have today.  

So, should I break up with him over things he did before we were officially a couple? It REALLY bothers me, and I feel like I don’t want to be with someone that could have done that to me, even though things are so much different now. I feel like enough is enough. There have been plenty of opportunities during our relationship to tell me everything, but I still keep finding out more and more. I don’t really trust him anymore, and feel like our relationship was built on lies and deceit. I feel like I want to end the relationship over this, but is that unfair?

-Feeling Duped

 

Dear “Feeling Duped,”

Excuse me as I place a stethoscope around my neck, shine a small flashlight into your ear, hold your tongue, and make you say “Ahhh…” Yep, see this all the time… What we have here is a classic case of “Girl who wanted real exclusivity, settled for a vague expression of one, and got hurt when she later found out that she, in fact, wasn’t her one-and-only’s one-and-only.” Okay, you can put your tongue back in.

Now, let’s get the obvious out of the way before getting to the nitty gritty of your dilemma. As your question suggests, you already know that unless a guy specifically asks for exclusivity, or for you to be his gIrLfRiEnD, (tee hee), you both are free to entertain other lads and lasses as you please. (And if you want things to be extra clear, it’s always nice to even state that expectation – you know, that he’ll have to ask for exclusivity – upfront, once you two realize you’re starting to like each other.)

So, since we here at sex symbol central know to NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING, you know this wolf technically didn’t do anything wrong. Hell, he may have even done something RIGHT, as, according to you, your ignorance of what he was doing allowed you two to have “the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship” for the last year and a half.

However, fact remains that now you’re not only not-so-ignorant of his past behavior, you’re even repulsed by it. And to answer your question, I can confidently say, no, it is not unfair to want to break up with him over things he’s done in the past.

Just because someone technically didn’t do something wrong doesn’t mean that you have to like what they did. And given what you know today, it’s totally okay for you to question if this is someone you want to be with.

Do you want to be with someone who sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend?

Do you want to be with someone who uses lawyer-like tactics to get out of being completely open and honest with you about what he’s doing?

Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t view sexual intimacy as sacredly as you do?

You’re totally entitled to re-evaluate the relationship based on what you now know.

However, since you already have a relationship you enjoy, and none are perfect, (despite your earlier claim), you may want to just use what you now know to create some new agreements and clarify expectations that were never articulated up until this point.

If you choose that route, you’ll want to make sure it’s clear to him that you want him to be open and upfront about what he’s doing, and that withholding information will not suffice as a form of truth in your book.

When it comes to addressing his promiscuity in the months post-“vague” exclusivity, pre-“official” exclusivity, you’re first going to have to accept it as the price you have to pay for allowing a vague expression of exclusivity to get past you – I know, bummer – and second, learn from it. Reiterate your new agreement for a clear, “full-disclosure” form of communicating that honors the “intent of the law,” not the letter of it, and be prepared to stand by whatever consequence you two agree on for violation of your agreement.

Lastly, when it comes to sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend, well, you’ll want to further pick his brain there. If his best friend gave him the thumbs up, then, while many loyal wolves would have probably still steered clear, he’s once again only guilty of having an approach to sex that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. If, however, this was a betrayal on his part, you’ll want to hear him out so you gain insight into his views on loyalty and see if they align with your own.

I say all this to not only remind you that you have legitimate options, but to help you to realize that ultimately the right choice is dependent on how you feel. Consequently, the only decision you have to make is to simply do what feels better. If staying with him, creating new agreements, and learning to accept a less than picture-perfect past feels good, do that. If walking away and holding out for someone you believe you can co-create a more open and honest foundation with, and whose approach to sex and relationships/friendships is one that aligns more with your own values feels better, do that.

At the end of the day, it’s important to trust your intuition, even if you can’t rationalize it. After all, unlike lovers, it doesn’t need an “official” agreement to always have your back ;). Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship from here, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

As a guy, should I state my income on online dating profiles?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

So I decided I’m gonna try online dating, and here’s my important question – do I put my income on there??

Sites like Match.com have a section for it, and I’ve read in a study that men who make over $100k-$150K are 10 times more likely to receive responses on dating sites. I work in sales, where the average income in my industry is 40K, so just putting the field I’m in could be misleading as I make significantly more than that.

I’m not worried about attracting gold diggers – I’m very good at judging people and their behavior. And I don’t want somebody high maintenance. A super cute and sweet girl-next-door, teacher-type who makes around $60k a year would be perfect. I don’t want anybody who works crazy hours. Someone with a 9-5 would be great as I work way too much, myself.

I’m only going to go out with women who are super nice/super sweet, but surely even super nice girls want a very successful/kind/loyal man? Who wants to get married to a guy who can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle?? What do you think?

-State to Get a Date?

 

Dear “State to Get a Date?,”

Welp, it seems like you’ve already gotten it all figured out, “State!” According to the study you read, you already know that you should state your income if: (1) you make over a certain amount, and (2) you want more responses… Oh, but wait. (My eyes are squinting now) … Perhaps you’re asking me for something that study didn’t provide… Like whether stating your income will increase your chances of hearing back from “super cute” and “super sweet” girls, (who just so happen to not be gold-diggers)…

Ah, well if that’s the case kudos to you for looking beyond the statistics and staying focused on nabbing the girl you want, not just many girls. For in the world of online dating if you’re looking for a more authentic, soul-to-soul connection, you have to be willing to trade quantity for quality. And that means creating a profile, long or short, that reflects your soul’s deepest desires. Your profile should be tailor-made for your soulmate. And quite possibly so unique it gets you a “10x less” response rate.

So, with that said, will stating your (high) income range in the assigned section of your profile increase your chances of hearing back from the super cute and super sweet girls you want to date? Yes. (Provided you have a “typical” profile.)

You see, sweet girls are a dime a dozen. Many of us are nurturers by nature who can be heard uttering the word “awww…” at least once a day. But when you throw the criteria of “super cute” into your wish list, well, now you’re entering elite territory.

I don’t know why – perhaps God did it to level the playing field for average-looking girls, or maybe it’s a girl’s natural reaction to a life of “pretty privilege” – but, often, the cuter we get, the not-so-consistently nice, (and sometimes even crazier), we get.

Consequently, the pool of “super-hot girls who volunteer at the local animal shelter and genuinely want to know how your day went” is pretty small, while the line for them remains exceptionally long. Therefore, to stand out in the crowd, you’re going to want to pull every “attractive-trait” card you have, including the one that says you can “afford a comfortable lifestyle.” For while most women don’t require a man make a certain amount of money, the truth of the matter is that having a high income is still an attractive trait, which is what the “10x more responses” statistic reflects.

HOWEVER, if you don’t want a super cute, super sweet girl who over-values what’s in your wallet, (aka a “gold digger”), you mustn’t either. List it, knowing it’s an attractive attribute to partnering with you, but in all your interactions focus on promoting the other traits you have to offer, like your kindness and loyalty, in order to attract girls who are looking for more.

And to further get your high quality, sweet and lovely Belle, you must also reign in any shallowness on your part and not over-value her looks. Appreciate her beauty, but dig deep to discover her interests, passions, and values. After all, cute and sweet aren’t attributes that will love you through thick and thin – (although you might get a good “awww…” for an unfortunate situation) – but compassionate, honest, and loyal attributes will, so focus on those.

So, yeah, go ahead and list your “ballin’ out” income to increase your appeal amongst your target demographic of ladies. But remember, money can’t buy you love, so don’t oversell it. Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.