To get a boob job, or not get a boob job? That is the question.

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Unfortunately, the decision to get implants is more about how you feel than your ability to smash bricks with them

Dear Megan,

Hi, I need your advice on implants. 

A long time ago I got implants, which worked out great for many years until one day one ruptured and slowly deflated. My doctor told me to get it replaced or my sex life would be over, and true enough I have not had one intimate relationship since. All I’ve done is work, buy a house, raise my kids etc., and it’s been over 15 years. I was simply too embarrassed to imagine a man’s reaction to my… “situation,” but now I want to find someone to be in my life.

Anyway, I can afford to get new implants now, but I’m 64. Is that too old or ridiculous? What do you think? I’m still very attractive and I don’t want to be single for the next 15 years. I’d feel a lot sexier if I had some boobs.

Thanks,

– Trying to Get Out of Kansas Because Everything Here Is Flat

 


Dear “Trying to Get Out of Kansas Because Everything Here Is Flat,”

You know what?  I’m going to put aside any boob jokes, (minus the nickname I gave you), and get straight to doing what I do best – teaching ya’ll ladies how to fish – because whenever you’re faced with a decision about your life and your body, and you’re asking someone else what you should do with it?  Well, just know that you’re wandering down the wrong path and will end up somewhere in the ditches before you know it.

Since the goal behind any decision is to make the choice that will feel good, (or better than the other choice), the only way you can make the right decision here is to focus on what feels good to you.

To be clear, whoever you attract in your life just echoes how you feel about yourself deep down.  So, if you’re unhappy with your looks you’re going to attract someone who feeds that insecurity.  And if you’re happy with your looks, you’ll attract a wolf who, well, could give two sh*ts about your “situation.”

And while I agree that a boob job is one of many ways to get “happy with your looks,” the decision to get your titties done, believe it or not, still comes down to the classic, “You only ever have one choice: between love and fear” maxim.  Do you want to get implants because you think having them will make you feel good?  Or because you’re afraid you’ll be alone if you don’t.

If you haven’t gotten “still” long enough to listen to yourself, and have allowed outside influences to drown out your inner voice, chances are that the answer to even that question is murky.  So right now the clarity/answer you’re looking for can only be found when you stop listening to what others tell you you should do with your body, and get still long enough to hear your inner voice’s answer in the form of an impulse, (you’ll most likely receive it upon waking one morning, but it can come any time).

And for further guidance, as my favorite teacher, Abraham Hicks, puts it, If the impulse comes from a joyous thought that feels good, follow it. If the impulse comes from an uncomfortable thought that felt bad, don’t follow it.”   

However, if you’re like most people and feel that you “ain’t got time for all that inner-searching, woo-woo stuff,” (i.e. just want me to give you the fish), well, since you end your email with “I’d feel a lot sexier if I had some boobs,” go get yourself some titties, girl.  Just know that until you take the time to harmonize with what’s on your inside, not only can no one else, but any peace you find, like them soon-to-be spectacular jugs on your chest, will be temporary.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Why won’t he propose?

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WARNING: Obsessions with getting a ring can lead to loss of teeth, baggy eyes, pasty skin, and extreme weight loss.

Dear Megan,

Okay. Here goes. My boyfriend of 4 years bought a ring in Jan/Feb, which I wasn’t meant to know about, but he did a silly thing in the process of buying which meant I then found out about it. Anyway… 9 months later he still hasn’t proposed and it has become such a huge issue in our relationship.

I don’t understand why he bought the ring if he wasn’t planning on proposing any time soon. He keeps telling me that he wants it to be special, yet there have been plenty of opportunities for a special proposal. Meanwhile, about 3 months ago he bought me a promise ring which confused me further as I feel as though he’s trying to put off proposing.

I feel like he’s changed his mind. I desperately want to be engaged and all my friends are getting engaged/married, and I so desperately want to be able to say to the world we are, too. I know he has the ring, and supposedly wants to be married, too, but he just won’t pop the question. We argue about it a lot, and I just don’t really know what to do anymore.

Why hasn’t he proposed? Is something wrong? Please help!!

-Misses Gollum

 


Dear “Misses Gollum,”

Good Lord, nine months is a helluva long time to be waiting around for a ring that’s sitting in the other room. Bummer that you found out about it… And then got a promise ring… I guess that’s sorta better than getting a “shut-up ring,” (which is what most engagement rings turn into when a girl keeps nagging.) Hell, you got two rings outta your frustration, so it’s definitely better! But I digress. On to your question.

So, you wanna know why he hasn’t proposed, huh? What the hold-up is… Well, unless your dude’s lying to you, (or himself), it looks like he actually already told you. He wants it to be special, which for him may not only mean waiting for the right physical space/way, but the right mental one.

You see, a lot of wolves have gotten pretty tired of us women pressuring them into getting married, only to be the first one to turn around, file for divorce when our fantasy of married life doesn’t match the reality of it, and potentially take half of their shit. So, here, we gotta give it to the fellas and their long-sighted approach.

Now, what this means for you is that while, technically, your concern that he’s putting it off is right, that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong. While many women in your shoes would see his hesitation as a sign of commitment issues, or something like that, the truth of the matter is that many times, when a man is holding off from marrying a woman he loves and does want to have a future with, it’s because he’s afraid of one thing and one thing only: a bad marriage. (And, unfortunately, nagging only feeds any fear of being stuck in a bad marriage with a selfish, demanding devil-woman. Crikey.)

Yep, as strange as it is, despite their dimness in many other areas, a lot of men often figure out earlier than women that there’s a difference between being married and being happily married. And your guy’s lack of urgency is most likely due to him just wanting to make sure that things start out on the right foot.

So, my advice? Instead, of pressuring him to do something that he is in some way not ready to do, use this time to focus on making sure you have the right foundation for a life-long marriage.

Make sure your values when it comes to top marriage-killers – like money, religion, infidelity, illness, and kids – are aligned. Double-check your intimacy needs and each other’s capacity and willingness to satisfy them. Participate in relationship counseling in person or with a book like “Getting the Love You Want,” by Harville Hendrix, in order to get to know each other on an even deeper level. And come up with a solid game plan for how you’re going to deal with life’s unexpected challenges together.

Once everything checks out, and both of you are confident that you have what it takes to go the distance, communicate your engagement time-frame desires to your beau, and find out what his are. If both of you are on the same page, you should be able to come up with a “by Christmas” or “by summer” type of date that you both feel good about. Then, let it go, and enjoy your life. After all, the real secret to a good marriage is two, happy and whole people coming together and enjoying the shit out of life with each other.

If, however, you two can’t settle on a “by” date, or you do and he backs out of it?… Well, time to start working on your Beyoncé “Single Ladies” wave, and picking winners.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your engagement in advance. It looks like you got a good one.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Heading to Home Depot and Lowe’s to try and meet men… Good idea?

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Dear Megan,

On a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to go to a hardware store like Lowe’s or Home Depot to meet a man?

Break it to me gently.

-Looking for the Honey in a “Honey Do List”

 


Dear “Looking for the Honey in a ‘Honey Do List,’”

Allllll right… Since I’ve previously shared hot spots for meeting select wolves, I guess I’ll be game and give you my two cents on hardwood stores. So here it is:

First off, real men go to Ace Hardware.  Lol, just kidding…  In all seriousness, don’t worry. You actually picked an understandable spot in said hardwood stores. Any woman worth her salt knows that walking into a Lowe’s or Home Depot is like stepping into a post-apocalyptic world where all the women are dead and the remaining, somehow slightly more attractive men welcome you with double takes, bright eyes, and bushy tails…  Sexual tension abounds, and you find yourself thinking, “Man, why don’t I come here more often?”

But, on a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to actually go to a Home Depot or Lowe’s to meet men? I’d give it about a 2.5.

It’s true. The place is packed with testosterone, and some of that testosterone will be single and available – (hence the points I gave it).  However, I can’t recommend the place in good conscious due to the fact that: (1) given the wide variety of men who go there, any guy who fits what you’re looking for in a man will be in the extreme minority, (2) it’s simply too hard of a place for your needle-in-a-haystack man to naturally start a conversation with you that has enough legs to ask you out, and (3) the place is boring AF. (And as far as I know, going about your business, enjoying your life, and not walking around looking “thirsty” is still the best way to meet a man.)

My suggestion? Go on a dating site and put terms like “fix things,” “working on my house,” “working with my hands,” and “handy” into the keyword search to meet your Home Depot-prowling fella.  Then, if you see someone you like, hit him up with something like, “Hey, nice profile. Any idea how to fix [your fake broken thing around your place]?” If he likes what he sees, he’ll keep the conversation going.  If not, you’ll at least have saved yourself gas money and an unnecessary application of heat to your hair.

However, if you’re tired of the online thing, I recommend either choosing something you might enjoy from this list, or something else you find fun and easy. Because while walking around being bored is not the ideal way to meet a man, walking around being fun and easy is. (Well, not easy in that way… Ugh, stupid, catchy endings that don’t work… Anyway, you know what I mean.)  Happy dating!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

To settle or not to settle? Gay/bi man on dating women. Help!

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Dear Megan,

I’m not able to find much of this on the internet as most searches direct me to gay men married to women who don’t know their husbands are gay, and my question is about gay/bi men who ultimately decide to date women again.  So hopefully you can help.

I’m gay. I find women attractive, and enjoy sex with them, but my preference is for men by far. I would like to find a man to share my life with, but since starting to come out a few years ago I’ve had a difficult time finding a guy that knocks me off my feet. I have a female friend – she’s a coworker, close friend, and we actually briefly dated- who knows I’m gay. She’s been trying to date and is having a horrible time meeting the right guy, as well. We’re both in our 30s. We’re both looking, unsuccessfully.

We’re both lonely. We share a lot of values and goals. We have a lot in common as far as friends, lifestyle, and coworkers go. But I don’t know what kind of passionate sex would be there… Would it be crazy to entertain dating her if I’m honest with her?

I acknowledge that this could be playing with fire. I’m more curious if this is a pattern that others have observed. Lonely gay man and lonely straight female find love and companionship in each other. I don’t want to call it a marriage of convenience, but after a long conversation with her today about our trials and tribulations with dating, it crossed my mind and got me wondering…  Thoughts?

-Don’t Call Me Will Truman

 


Dear “Don’t Call Me Will Truman,”

Wowzers.  It’s not every day I get to introduce a gay man to WAG (“Will & Grace”), but I can assure you that if you binge watch the 1998-2006 revolutionary hit sitcom this weekend you’ll have your answer…  But perhaps you want a more personal response than a lazy “Now, remember kids, what did TV teach you?” one, so here it goes.

According to you, you’d like to find a man to share your life with but can’t seem to meet a wolf that knocks you off your feet.  In comes your female coworker friend.  You get along well… you’re both in the same boat… you have similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc… and now it’s got you thinking, “Maybe we should just be together…”

No, you’re not crazy to entertain the thought.  For, gay or straight, your logic has taken you to the same place everyone who gets tired of dating ends up, and it’s called the land of settling…  To settle or not to settle, that, indeed, is the question.

Interestingly, the answer to your question of settling is two-fold.  When it comes to whether or not you should pursue your female coworker friend, the answer is no.  Why?  Because you declared that you want to share your life with a man.  Period.  End of story.  Thanks for coming.  It’s been fun.  (Hey, don’t get mad at me that you let a clear desire slip from your pen and I refused to overlook it in your state of confusion…  But alright, you got me. There’s more.  After all, I did say the answer was two-fold…)

However, you are right in letting this female friend run interference in your love life.  You see, not only have you given yourself an awesome partner to help combat your loneliness and do “couple stuff” with while you wait for Mr. Right, but you’ve allowed yourself to see that you’re capable and ready to be more open in your dating criteria and, well, let’s just say, “adjust” your standards.  With that knowledge, you can then extend the criteria you used to consider settling down with this female coworker to men instead of limiting Mr. Right to someone who knocks you off your feet.

When you focus on cultivating more friendships, like the one you’ve developed with your coworker, with men, you’ll increase your chances of meeting like-minded souls with similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc., who also fit your desire to share your life with a man.  And, don’t worry, you don’t have to give up your desire to be with someone who knocks you off of your feet, just know that “knocked off your feet” moments don’t always come in the beginning.  Sometimes they come after you’ve already started to get to know someone, and sometimes they even take a couple years!  Hence the surprise.

So, do follow the criteria you have with your coworker and “settle” for a deeper connection with the man you see yourself sharing your life with when you close your eyes.  And don’t let dating fatigue discourage you from starting fresh, staying open, and enjoying the harmonious relationships you’ve cultivated in your life thus far…  At least until you’re 87.  Settle all you want then.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Should we break up over “cheating” before we were official?

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Dear Megan,

Before my boyfriend and I “officially” became a couple, we spent a year getting to know each other. During this period we were intimate, so I wasn’t dating any other guys and was pretty serious about building a relationship with him. During most of this period, however, I ended up finding out that he was dating several girls, being intimate with all of them, and deceiving all of them by not telling any of us he was also hooking up with other girls. Basically, he was a Player.

However, as time went on, him and I became very, very close; and I was sure that he had stopped talking to all the other girls because he told me “he wasn’t pursuing anyone else,” and a couple months later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we have had the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship for the last year and a half.

So, yesterday I found out that during the couple months right before we officially became a couple, he in fact WAS still seeing other girls. “Not pursuing anyone” meant that he wasn’t hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup. What’s worse, I found out he was hooking up with his best friend’s girlfriend, who is my friend too!

Here is my dilemma: We have had the most wonderful relationship since we became a couple. He wants to marry me, and I know he would never cheat on me. But constantly finding out about more and more girls that he hooked up with while we were dating really bothers me and has put a strain on the relationship. Especially recently finding out about him hooking up with other girls during the period I thought we were exclusive.

It hurts me because I didn’t know he was the type of person that would do that, especially with his best friend’s girlfriend. He apologizes endlessly, but says that since we weren’t “official,” it’s irrelevant. However, I feel that if I knew about all his deceitful actions at the time, I would have ended it then and we wouldn’t be in this great relationship we have today.  

So, should I break up with him over things he did before we were officially a couple? It REALLY bothers me, and I feel like I don’t want to be with someone that could have done that to me, even though things are so much different now. I feel like enough is enough. There have been plenty of opportunities during our relationship to tell me everything, but I still keep finding out more and more. I don’t really trust him anymore, and feel like our relationship was built on lies and deceit. I feel like I want to end the relationship over this, but is that unfair?

-Feeling Duped

 


Dear “Feeling Duped,”

Excuse me as I place a stethoscope around my neck, shine a small flashlight into your ear, hold your tongue, and make you say “Ahhh…” Yep, see this all the time… What we have here is a classic case of “Girl who wanted real exclusivity, settled for a vague expression of one, and got hurt when she later found out that she, in fact, wasn’t her one-and-only’s one-and-only.” Okay, you can put your tongue back in.

Now, let’s get the obvious out of the way before getting to the nitty gritty of your dilemma. As your question suggests, you already know that unless a guy specifically asks for exclusivity, or for you to be his gIrLfRiEnD, (tee hee), you both are free to entertain other lads and lasses as you please. (And if you want things to be extra clear, it’s always nice to even state that expectation – you know, that he’ll have to ask for exclusivity – upfront, once you two realize you’re starting to like each other.)

So, since we here at sex symbol central know to NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING, you know this wolf technically didn’t do anything wrong. Hell, he may have even done something RIGHT, as, according to you, your ignorance of what he was doing allowed you two to have “the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship” for the last year and a half.

However, fact remains that now you’re not only not-so-ignorant of his past behavior, you’re even repulsed by it. And to answer your question, I can confidently say, no, it is not unfair to want to break up with him over things he’s done in the past.

Just because someone technically didn’t do something wrong doesn’t mean that you have to like what they did. And given what you know today, it’s totally okay for you to question if this is someone you want to be with.

Do you want to be with someone who sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend?

Do you want to be with someone who uses lawyer-like tactics to get out of being completely open and honest with you about what he’s doing?

Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t view sexual intimacy as sacredly as you do?

You’re totally entitled to re-evaluate the relationship based on what you now know.

However, since you already have a relationship you enjoy, and none are perfect, (despite your earlier claim), you may want to just use what you now know to create some new agreements and clarify expectations that were never articulated up until this point.

If you choose that route, you’ll want to make sure it’s clear to him that you want him to be open and upfront about what he’s doing, and that withholding information will not suffice as a form of truth in your book.

When it comes to addressing his promiscuity in the months post-“vague” exclusivity, pre-“official” exclusivity, you’re first going to have to accept it as the price you have to pay for allowing a vague expression of exclusivity to get past you – I know, bummer – and second, learn from it. Reiterate your new agreement for a clear, “full-disclosure” form of communicating that honors the “intent of the law,” not the letter of it, and be prepared to stand by whatever consequence you two agree on for violation of your agreement.

Lastly, when it comes to sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend, well, you’ll want to further pick his brain there. If his best friend gave him the thumbs up, then, while many loyal wolves would have probably still steered clear, he’s once again only guilty of having an approach to sex that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. If, however, this was a betrayal on his part, you’ll want to hear him out so you gain insight into his views on loyalty and see if they align with your own.

I say all this to not only remind you that you have legitimate options, but to help you to realize that ultimately the right choice is dependent on how you feel. Consequently, the only decision you have to make is to simply do what feels better. If staying with him, creating new agreements, and learning to accept a less than picture-perfect past feels good, do that. If walking away and holding out for someone you believe you can co-create a more open and honest foundation with, and whose approach to sex and relationships/friendships is one that aligns more with your own values feels better, do that.

At the end of the day, it’s important to trust your intuition, even if you can’t rationalize it. After all, unlike lovers, it doesn’t need an “official” agreement to always have your back ;). Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship from here, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

As a guy, should I state my income on online dating profiles?

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Dear Megan,

So I decided I’m gonna try online dating, and here’s my important question – do I put my income on there??

Sites like Match.com have a section for it, and I’ve read in a study that men who make over $100k-$150K are 10 times more likely to receive responses on dating sites. I work in sales, where the average income in my industry is 40K, so just putting the field I’m in could be misleading as I make significantly more than that.

I’m not worried about attracting gold diggers – I’m very good at judging people and their behavior. And I don’t want somebody high maintenance. A super cute and sweet girl-next-door, teacher-type who makes around $60k a year would be perfect. I don’t want anybody who works crazy hours. Someone with a 9-5 would be great as I work way too much, myself.

I’m only going to go out with women who are super nice/super sweet, but surely even super nice girls want a very successful/kind/loyal man? Who wants to get married to a guy who can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle?? What do you think?

-State to Get a Date?

 


Dear “State to Get a Date?,”

Welp, it seems like you’ve already gotten it all figured out, “State!” According to the study you read, you already know that you should state your income if: (1) you make over a certain amount, and (2) you want more responses… Oh, but wait. (My eyes are squinting now) … Perhaps you’re asking me for something that study didn’t provide… Like whether stating your income will increase your chances of hearing back from “super cute” and “super sweet” girls, (who just so happen to not be gold-diggers)…

Ah, well if that’s the case kudos to you for looking beyond the statistics and staying focused on nabbing the girl you want, not just many girls. For in the world of online dating if you’re looking for a more authentic, soul-to-soul connection, you have to be willing to trade quantity for quality. And that means creating a profile, long or short, that reflects your soul’s deepest desires. Your profile should be tailor-made for your soulmate. And quite possibly so unique it gets you a “10x less” response rate.

So, with that said, will stating your (high) income range in the assigned section of your profile increase your chances of hearing back from the super cute and super sweet girls you want to date? Yes. (Provided you have a “typical” profile.)

You see, sweet girls are a dime a dozen. Many of us are nurturers by nature who can be heard uttering the word “awww…” at least once a day. But when you throw the criteria of “super cute” into your wish list, well, now you’re entering elite territory.

I don’t know why – perhaps God did it to level the playing field for average-looking girls, or maybe it’s a girl’s natural reaction to a life of “pretty privilege” – but, often, the cuter we get, the not-so-consistently nice, (and sometimes even crazier), we get.

Consequently, the pool of “super-hot girls who volunteer at the local animal shelter and genuinely want to know how your day went” is pretty small, while the line for them remains exceptionally long. Therefore, to stand out in the crowd, you’re going to want to pull every “attractive-trait” card you have, including the one that says you can “afford a comfortable lifestyle.” For while most women don’t require a man make a certain amount of money, the truth of the matter is that having a high income is still an attractive trait, which is what the “10x more responses” statistic reflects.

HOWEVER, if you don’t want a super cute, super sweet girl who over-values what’s in your wallet, (aka a “gold digger”), you mustn’t either. List it, knowing it’s an attractive attribute to partnering with you, but in all your interactions focus on promoting the other traits you have to offer, like your kindness and loyalty, in order to attract girls who are looking for more.

And to further get your high quality, sweet and lovely Belle, you must also reign in any shallowness on your part and not over-value her looks. Appreciate her beauty, but dig deep to discover her interests, passions, and values. After all, cute and sweet aren’t attributes that will love you through thick and thin – (although you might get a good “awww…” for an unfortunate situation) – but compassionate, honest, and loyal attributes will, so focus on those.

So, yeah, go ahead and list your “ballin’ out” income to increase your appeal amongst your target demographic of ladies. But remember, money can’t buy you love, so don’t oversell it. Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

Should I make the first move on a guy I’m interested in?

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Dear Megan,

So, there’s a guy, (30), that I’ve been interested in for some time now, (I’m 23). We’ve known each other for about 8 years, but have never been close or anything. I always found him attractive but never pursued anything until earlier this year when we ran into each other randomly and decided to grab lunch together. We talked and got to know each other a little better and I realized he and I have so much in common and that we have very similar personalities.

We communicate more than we used to now, mostly over Facebook, but it hasn’t become flirtatious or anything. He comments on pretty much every one of my posts, and people are always asking me “who is that guy who’s all over your Facebook page?”

He and I have both been single for quite a while, but I know that both of us are looking to get back out into the dating world. I don’t know if he’s interested, but I think even if he isn’t now, he might be if he knew I was interested in him…

I asked him to help me out with my blog because he’s good at that kind of stuff, and he said he’d love to, so we’re going to be doing that next week, and I’m considering asking him if he’d like to grab dinner or a drink afterwards… not necessarily a date, but at the very least an excuse to spend more time getting to know each other. But I’m afraid that might be too forward.

In my experience, whenever I’ve pursued a man or tried being direct about my interest in them, they get scared off, even if they already liked me… It’s like they immediately lose interest if winning someone over is no longer a challenge. So now I’m deathly afraid of making my interest known, and I feel like as the woman I have to just sit around and wait for men to ask me out. But I also worry that he may not make a move if I’m coming across as disinterested. So I guess I would like to ask two questions:

Have you ever made the first move, and was it successful?

-Confused and Bashful


 

Dear “Confused and Bashful,”

Christ, the last guy I made the first move on – (and by “first move” I mean said “hi” to first) – I had to marry to get rid of, haha… So yeah, it can be “successful…” if done properly.

In the world of financial trading it is said that “A decision NOT to trade (a stock) is also a trading decision;” and it seems that you, my dear, have yet to learn that when it comes to being a woman, a decision NOT to make a first move is also a first move.

You see, guys don’t become interested in a girl once they know she’s interested. That’s not how they work. They know what they like. They know what they want. And they’re either interested in you, or not.

Consequently, as a woman, your “first move” is simply to expose yourself to him – (and I’m not talking about in a snapchat kind of way, either, despite how effective that is scoring a Netflix-and-chill kind of night) – which you’ve done.

If he’s attracted to your beauty and/or brains it won’t take long for him to realize it. And you definitely won’t have to try and sneak your way in through the friend-zone – (I shudder at the thought!). Resist your customary urge to pursue – (good God, resist it!) – and just keep on going about your business and being your fabulous self.

Know that this is not about passively sitting around and waiting for men to ask you out, either. This is about patiently and actively learning to like the men who like you enough to risk rejection and ask you out. Trust me, you’ll need that level of passion and conviction in a guy down the road for you two to get through tough times.

So have faith, chica. Faith that your guy will see you, want you, and do what he has to do to not let you get away. Don’t chase, chill… And get one of those big, red “easy” buttons. That way when you’re resting comfortably in the arms of your future boo you can lean over, press it, and hear the sound of the automated guy saying, “that was easy.” Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How do I let my ex know that I’ve moved on when he is still in love?

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Dear Megan,

A couple weeks ago, I was in a long-term relationship with “Tim,” let’s call him. However, after I moved for college a few years back, the distance eventually caught up and my feelings for him slowly faded this year. However, since Tim suffers from severe depression and is very sensitive, I was nervous about breaking the “bad news.” I just couldn’t stand to see him go through another breakdown, (especially after the recent death of his father).

So, I made up the excuse of being very busy with my dentistry courses, and essentially just not having enough time for a relationship. Therefore, it was a very smooth breakup, as he didn’t think I loved him any less. I thought it was over, until he continued sending “I love you” and “Can’t wait until we’re over this break” messages. He thinks we’ll be back together once classes finish up. He’s also been talking about visiting me this summer, so I don’t have a lot of time.

This is giving me so much anxiety because I can’t just say “Sorry, I don’t love you anymore,” you know? But I also can’t keep going on like this, it isn’t fair to either. I haven’t been saying “I love you” back, etc., or regularly responding, but he doesn’t understand. However, Tim did mention that if I happened to meet someone else, to let him know, and recently I did become good friends with a colleague and have a little crush/am interested. I think it’d be strange to mention though, since Tim’s messages are so lovey dovey…

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Update: Right after I sent that, Tim messaged me about how he has taken a few weeks off of work in the summertime to come visit. Now I feel even more terrible. I definitely won’t do this again. Do you have any suggestions or advice about what to say to him now that he has already taken time off to come see me?

-Mrs. Bad News Bearer

 


UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Mrs. Bad News Bearer,”

Oh man…  Brutal…   I know how you feel, girl.  It absolutely, 100%, sucks when you have to tell someone who’s convinced that you’re their “One,” and who’s been nothing but good to you, that you’d kinda, sorta, rather eat a dirt sandwich than continue your relationship with them.  Sigh…  Nonetheless, it’s a dirty job and somebody’s got to do it.  So, unless your mom, his best friend, or Simon Cowell owes you a favor, it looks like that person will have to be you.  (Just kidding, it was always you, >serious face<.)

Alright, to begin with, the old saying, “honesty is the best policy” definitely applies to letting someone know you’re ready to move on from your relationship.  However, how specific you need to be depends on how much time you two have spent together.

If it’s a fairly new relationship I’ve always found it best to keep things general, (unless you want a debate, or to inflict unnecessary pain on the person, of course).  Things like “I’ve realized I’m not in the right mental space for a relationship right now,” “I’ve decided to focus my time and energy on someone I feel more of a connection with,” or “I don’t feel enough chemistry to continue seeing each other,” will suffice.  I would then follow that first explanatory sentence with an expression of gratitude for the time they spent getting to know me, and let them know that I appreciated our time together.

On the other hand, if it was a long-term relationship, and you’re past the “getting to know each other” phase, in my opinion, the person is entitled to a little more of an explanation as to “what went wrong.”  If only to assure them that you had good intentions and weren’t just stringing them along for sport, (which could land you as the victim on a male-version of the show “Snapped,” by the way.)

Consequently, in a relationship like yours, where you two have been together for years, you’ll want to get specific, yet concise, during your “we need to talk” talk.  In short sentences, (in an effort to avoid drama), let him know: “Sorry I haven’t been upfront with you.  I care about you and wanted to spare your feelings.  However, I’ve realized it’s more important for me to be honest with you…  So, first, I want to say that I appreciate you taking time off work and trying to bridge the distance gap to maintain our relationship.  However, after I moved and got settled into my new career path I realized that I’m also wanting to meet new people and explore new romantic connections…  Thank you for all the wonderful experiences we’ve shared together.  I’ll always treasure them.”

If you’re open to being friends, let him know that someday, perhaps after a year or two when you both have rebounded emotionally, you can reconnect and have a friendship together, but avoid the temptation to dive into one right away.  Fresh wounds need time to heal, and in the case of relationships, that includes space.

Now, after you’ve said your piece, be prepared for any and all reactions.  Everyone handles “rejection” differently; and in my experience, about 50% of wolves respond kindly, and the other 50%, sourly.  No one will feel good at this moment, (as it’s a sucky conversation to have), but it helps things if you stay general when answering any of his questions.  And unless you want a debate or to stay together, never give in to any “Please let me know what I did wrong” requests.  Even if he asks them under the guise of self-improvement.  Trust me, it’s an argument trap.  Focus on the fact that your decision to move on is based on your needs and desires.  His perfect match is out there, same as yours.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that everyone is allowed to change his or her mind about who they want to be with, at any time, no matter how painful that decision may be to another.  And being honest and kind with each other during that process is the best we can all hope for.  So, keep “keepin’ it real,” and in time both of your hearts will heal.  (Yeah, that was meant to rhyme.)  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Should I keep the expensive gift my ex got me?

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Dear Megan,

My husband and I have been separated for 2 months after a 7-year relationship.  It was our anniversary a week ago, and my birthday tomorrow.  I went to his place today to take care of our dogs, (who are living with him), while he is out of town, and he left me a gift…  A really expensive Cartier watch.  I think he bought it about 5 months ago, so before we were separated.  I like the watch, of course.  Do I give it back to him?  Do I keep it?  I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

-Did I Mention it’s a Cartier Watch?

 


Dear “Did I Mention it’s a Cartier Watch?,”

Okay, listen to me, and listen to me very carefully.  Take the Cartier watch, put it in a box, and mail it to me at Megan Moore, P.O. Box 555…  Lol, okay, you got me…  But in all seriousness, I get your confusion.  When it comes to relationships, sometimes gifts that start out with good intentions can lead to slashed tires and an appearance on the show “Cops” if you’re not careful.  And since I’m all about avoiding the drama, (as showcased in this answer on cheating), as well as preserving beautiful skin, (stress causes wrinkles, not to mention “Resting B*tch Face”), I’m definitely up for offering my two cents in this situation.  So here ya go.

To begin with, I’d first check with your ex and make sure that he actually did intend to give you this gift now and didn’t just, say, leave it out.  (Wolves can be quite careless, you know.)  And then, if he did, I’d ask him why.

In my book, the rule on accepting a gift is: if it’s attached to a condition, situation, intention, or hope you don’t want to fulfill or encourage, it’s best to politely decline; however, if you can wholeheartedly get behind the affection that the gift symbolizes, by all means graciously accept the darn thing and enjoy!

Additionally, if the person broke their back getting you a gift you may want to decline if your level of gratitude doesn’t match their level of sacrifice.  Appreciation itself is a form of reciprocation; and, acting as such, if both sides of the ledger don’t balance out you may actually end up in debt.  Hence why it’s so important to only accept a gift if both the giver and receiver are on mutual wavelengths.  This isn’t a moral decision, this is a “I don’t want to get my ass kicked if this seemingly selfless giver turns into a bill collector” one.

In your case, if the Cartier watch is something your ex wants to give you for your anniversary/birthday out of love – no strings attached – and you can appreciate and adore it as such, you may have just come up on some nice, new wrist bling.  If, on the other hand, it’s attached to an expectation or hope you don’t want to encourage at this time, you may have to find another way to acquire your latest fashion find.  Either way, you gotta love First World problems, right. Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.