Oh great, I became “The Other Woman…” Help, please.

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Dear Megan,

I am 26-years-old, and work with someone who I had an immediate connection with in another department I work closely with. Months went by and I knew he had a girlfriend, so I never initiated anything. We were strictly friends at work. However, last month he expressed he had feelings for me and I knew he was unhappy in his current relationship. (His relationship moved too quickly with his girlfriend and her 1.5-year-old son – they moved in together and he quickly became the breadwinner and the son’s dad.)

We had become very close, and before I knew it we were seeing each other, (mostly at work or after work). He was looking into getting out of his lease – (they had just moved in together) – and then suddenly on Father’s Day his girlfriend, (who doesn’t know about me/us), gets him all these presents.  Suddenly she’s appreciative of everything he does, plans a “family” vacation, and has become a completely different woman. This obviously confused him, and he chose to give her a chance even though the relationship had been toxic and he was not being treated very well.

Now we barely speak.  He told me he wants to be with me, but that he had no choice but to try and make things work because he feels guilty. He keeps apologizing to me, and I know he did want to be with me. But we work together and seeing him pains me. 

I do not believe he is happy – I believe he is settling. He told me numerous times he loves her but isn’t in love with her. I am obviously going to keep my distance from him, but I do not know what to do otherwise. He says I make him happy but that he needs to focus on his relationship, which is understandable. I just do not know if I really believe him or not. 

How do I move on when we work together? How do I forgive myself?

-Rhymes with Lewinsky

 


UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Rhymes with Lewinsky,”

I’m sooooo reminded of why some wolves prefer us when we’re young and inexperienced when I read your story.  We fall for a lot more B.S. then, lol…  But don’t worry.  I’ve seen, heard, (and probably done), a lot “worse.”  Fortunately, there’s great hope for you as your actual questions reflect that you haven’t extended the victim status you gave this dude to yourself.  And given that, I believe my response might provide you with the answer you’re looking for.  So let’s get to it.

How do you move on and forgive yourself after you’ve been “The Other Woman?”  Well, the answer’s actually really simple: You get the lesson the experience was there to teach you.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Got it!  No, not really?  Christ, I do this every week.  Okay, “here’s how…”

To begin with, you must first get that there’s a difference between “I did something bad,” and “I am bad,” and that huge difference is guilt versus shame.  (See Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” for more on that f’ed up dynamic.)  If you make who you are wrong, (shame), it’s going to take you a helluva lot longer to get over this incident than just acknowledging the truth, which is that you did something wrong, (guilt).  (And note: I’m coming to the conclusion of “wrong” and “bad” based on your desire to forgive yourself for helping this lovely lad cheat on his girlfriend.  IMO judgement calls are subjective.)

The good news for you is that if you’re starting in shame you’re already on the right track to getting rid of it.  How the heck do I know that, you ask?  Well, you’ve shared your embarrassing story!  Shame likes to live inside us and sorta dies upon its introduction to fresh, clean air.  Just make sure that you continue to tell your story to people who’ve earned the right to hear it.  Otherwise their reaction will just make it worse – (and between you and me, a lot of the people on this here World Wide Web haven’t earned it…  Frickin’ high and mighty weirdos…  But don’t worry, everyone on this site’s pretty cool ;)).

Also, don’t forget to be mindful of your self-talk.  If you’re saying mean stuff to yourself – you know, the kind of stuff that you wouldn’t say to someone you love in your situation – cut it out.  It’s all about accepting that you did something you’re not proud of, not that you aren’t still the miraculous, awesome, super-lovable creation that you are.  Over the shame yet?  Sweet.  Welcome to the awesome world of feeling like a guilty son-of-a-b*tch.

Here, you accept the late, great Maya Angelou’s mantra, “When you know better, you do better.”  And here you get your lessons…  Awesome sauce.  If you’re like most people on this planet, you haven’t yet read “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” which is cool.  I’m not bitter.  Swear.  But given that, accept that you just didn’t know my rule to “Never listen to what a wolf says, just watch what he does.”  If you did know that, all you would have seen in your situation was a guy living at home with his girlfriend and her son, taking care of his family.  Sure, he might want to fool around with other women, (in this case you), in order to get other needs met, or blah, blah, blah; but focusing on his actions would have made who and what he’s actually committed to crystal clear.  And it’s with that information, and that information only, could you have made an informed decision that you wouldn’t have regretted later.

So, lesson: put more faith in someone’s actions than you do their words.  Get that, and the fact that you can’t learn something before you’re taught it, and you’ll be able to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself.

“Rhymes with Lewinsky,” know that if a guy truly, (not sorta or kinda), wants to be with you he’ll move heaven and earth to do so.  And, yes, if kids are involved that may include taking time to get his ducks in a row, but someone who cares for you will never ask you to dishonor yourself and settle for less than what you want and deserve in the meantime. They’ll want to preserve your trust and respect, and not hold you up in the pursuit of your dreams while they eagerly pursue theirs, (which in this case would mean doing what they need to do to get you).

And finally, once you get your lesson and forgive yourself, you’ll have no problem working with this guy.  You’ll feel renewed.  Empowered even.  Your growth will make your fling with him seem like just another thing you got caught up in on your road of self-discovery.  So get up, adjust your crown, and get on back in that office.  You’ll be alright, “you saucy minx, you…” Lol.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

She’s super attractive… and super boring

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Dear Megan,

So, I’m a guy, and I’m talking to a girl that I am SUPER attracted to. We laugh and joke here and there for the most part, but overall she is boring as hell. Been on a few dates and they go decently enough.  She always says she had fun, always is ready to hang out again…  But when we do I feel like I have to lead conversations.

I’m not a super talkative person, but I can fake it pretty well.  She answers my questions and all, and will have random follow up questions; but, again, it’s me doing all the work… I feel like we have better conversations via text than in person, but how can you get anywhere with that type of dynamic?

On top of that she has no sense of adventure.  In order to have a little more fun on our dates I suggested we go to the gun range.  She came, but would barely shoot.  I suggested we go jet-skiing.  She said she would never do that.  There have been a few more things she said she just won’t do, and I’m just sitting there like oooook.

Problem is, I’m attracted as hell to her physically.  Just don’t have much in common, I guess, which sucks.  Is it so wrong to be shallow sometimes?  I’m recently out of a 5-year relationship, so not looking for anything serious by any means, which she is aware of… Isn’t this the little bit of time I am “allowed” to be shallow? 

-Bored and Shallow Hal

 


 

Dear “Bored and Shallow Hal,”

Finally!  An easy question!…  Thank goodness… Lord knows I was due for one.  Alright, you seem like a simple wolf with simple pleasures, so I’m going to answer the two questions you posed as simply as I can.

Yes, you’re allowed to be shallow.  And yes, you can get somewhere with that type of dynamic: the bedroom.  She knows you’re not looking for anything serious, which means she’s not looking for anything serious.  (Note: even if a girl says, or even thinks she is, if she’s fooling around with an emotionally unavailable guy, guess what, she’s not.)

So, assuming you’re not a millionaire, (in which case this phenomenon can easily be chalked up to a solo interest in your dough and an inability to fake otherwise), here’s your takeaway from this – (earmuffs, mom):

When an attractive girl who’s sometimes lively, (a la “laughing and joking here and there” and participating in engaging text conversations), turns down her personality when around you, AND keeps wanting to get together with you and your “not-ready-for-anything-serious” heinie, it’s for one reason and one reason only: she’s looking to get her pipes cleaned.  No, she’s not suddenly shy, or reminded that she comes from a reserved culture, she’s just not up for pretending to be that into you and your fun, adventurous ways.

Quit trying to drag her around town to do stuff; or worse, hope that she’ll match your adventurous tastes like the ideal girlfriend you’re not ready for.  Let her get what all your fresh-out-of-a-relationship, emotional unavailability promises – a quiet, “Netflix and chill” night with a seemingly decent guy.

Most single girls, (usually the smarter ones), only care to have interesting conversations, and create bond-forming memories via adventurous activities, with guys they see at least some sort of future with.  So given the stage you’re in, unless you’re willing to settle for the friendzone, or have the swag and/or pockets of Iron Man, the best you can hope for amongst single, hot, and fun are a couple great dates before someone else catches her eye, or a girl in a similar boat as you whose adventurousness conveniently stops at exploring new “D,” (that’s wiener for all you baby boomers).

Outside of that, rest assured that when you’re ready for more you’ll attract a steady companion who has, and is willing, to offer more. In the meantime, happy romping.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How to turn your crappy dad into the perfect wingman

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Dear Megan,

I… sort of have a history of destructive relationships, and last Father’s Day I felt a sudden bitterness towards my own father for abandoning me that led me to do a lot of reflecting.

My father left my mother before I was born, and we’ve spoken a total of, like, 3 times. Last time was about 8 years ago.

I always feel like I had a very healthy and whole childhood. I had people who loved me, and I never felt like I missed anything by virtue of not having my father around.

My relationships with men, however, are a different story. I broke up with my last real boyfriend because I felt he was too engaged, too interested in being in a more serious relationship. We had a bunch of other issues that I don’t think were any less important, but at the heart of it, I knew I wasn’t in it for the long run and it was just best to walk away.

My subsequent relationships have been casual, where I try to keep a distance and not be too involved. And I know I seek out men who aren’t all that good to me. I find a certain thrill in the chase of seducing a man and being the one who draws lines and says the whole thing is casual and uncommitted… Then I turn and feel abandoned and rejected when they are casual about me.

I don’t want to think that all my self-esteem issues and insecurities come solely from my father’s abandonment. Everyone has insecurities, even if they grew up in married parent’s homes. But lately I’m starting to think that it did affect me more than I ever thought it did.

In the end, if I don’t know what being in a healthy relationship looks like, how can I be what I didn’t see?

-Yep, Daddy Issues

 


UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Yep, Daddy Issues,”

You already know I L.O.V.E. this question…  And not only because I wrestled with the very same confusion for years and consequently put it at the heart of my latest book, “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” but it’s also a perfect question for Father’s Day weekend!  Go us!

“How does one create a loving relationship with a man when one was never given a proper model?”  It’s an all too common problem among us women with similar backgrounds.  But don’t fret, in addition to making my book free for you this holiday weekend, I’ll also share with you here another trick that will help you break free from any bloodline filled with crappy relationships so that you can receive the loving one that’s waiting for you on the other side.

To begin with, it’s important to understand that for a very, very long time you’ll have at least some level of attraction to guys with negative traits similar to your father.  Ugh.  I know…  As the renowned creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, Harville Hendrix, points out, those, often not-so-obvious, similar traits are actually what subconsciously draw you to a person in the first place.  It’s what we call chemistry.  (For more on that and why you like the guys you like, and play the games you do, I highly recommend checking out Hendrix’ book, “Keeping the Love You Find.”)

So from here on out, accept the notion that its only until after you’ve burnt out of dating guys who aren’t good for you that you’ll be fully committed to learning to like the ones who are.  That’s right, in order to achieve the loving relationship you want, and be content in it, at some point you’re going to have to go against your current nature until it becomes your new nature.

Now, let’s say you are tired of the B.S. and ready to create that loving relationship.  Well good!  I didn’t devise this three-part plan for my health!  Lol.  Here’s what I recommend you do.

First, drumroll, please…  Turn your crappy dad into the perfect wingman.  And by that I mean to use his crappy behavior, and how it made you feel growing up, as your guide in picking out guys who are good for you.  Had a dad who was distant, unreliable, controlling, neglectful, disloyal, mentally, physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive?  Well, thank your crappy dad for showing you what sh*tty behavior looked like so that you can give your attention to guys who only display intimate, communicative, reliable, supportive, devoted, emotionally available, kind, and loving behavior.

At times you’re going to have to play some Jedi mind tricks on yourself to have the conviction necessary to walk away from poor behavior, and here’s a good one:  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I said to never listen to what a wolf says, just watch what he does; and now I’m adding that, upon observation of his actions, ask yourself, “Would this be okay if he did it to my child?”  Sure, you can wait around forever for him to show up, but would you want your kid to?

Even if you don’t have or want kids, use it as a reminder of what you deserved when you were a kid, and don’t settle for anything less now that you’re an adult and have a choice.  There is no need to keep emotionally, physically, or mentally abusing or neglecting yourself.  “You’s free now.”

So use your father’s unloving, contrasting behavior of what you don’t want to point you towards a guy whose behavior is something you and your soul do want.  “Thanks, wingman.”

Now, don’t worry, I still remember what you’re up against: Nature.  And she can be a stubborn b*tch.  She’ll cause you to only be genuinely attracted to the distant/elusive, controlling/demanding, or unfaithful, etc. wolves, while the ones that are good for you will struggle to maintain your attention.  After all, their “good deeds” can only get them so far before they start to feel boring, smothering, or creepy AF.

So here’s where the second part of the plan comes in:  When you start to feel uncomfortable with the “good guy,” don’t fight the guy fight the discomfort.  Sit with the uncomfortable feelings and acknowledge them to yourself.  Write about them or talk with someone you trust.  Remind yourself that what you are feeling is normal and to be expected.  After all, the changes you’re making will have a generational impact akin to changing your DNA, and that’s no easy, pleasant feat.  If it were, the generations before you would have bypassed all the suffering their choices caused and just done it themselves.

Then, allow yourself to focus on all the wonderful qualities the guy you’re interested in has, and the life you two can create together as a result of sticking it out.  With that said, you don’t have to stick things out with every nice Tom, Dick, and Harry who treats you well.  This isn’t a guy you date just because he’s nice and you’re tired of dating jerks, you date him because you feel drawn to him.  If you feel good, safe, and like you can be yourself with him, fight through the moments of doubt, boredom, fear, etc.  If you’re looking up “101 ways to fake your death” before your dates together move on.  He’s not the one. (And for more on picking a guy check out this question I answered.)

Finally, the last step in attaining this loving relationship you never saw is to not only fully accept and appreciate the “good guy” you get for who he is, but to support him in who he is.  Now, it might take you a thousand guys to get this step down, but it’s essential.  Here, you resist the urge to play games and behave badly in a subconscious effort to try and change him into the jerks you’ve found more attractive.  You also don’t test him in ways that’ll make him prove to you he won’t abandon you just like your dad.  If he’s really a loving person, he’ll love himself enough to not put up with your abusive behavior and leave because of that.

Instead, treat him the way you want to be treated.  Mimic his openly loving, kind, and generous behavior.  Support him, even when others take advantage of his nature, and know that in a world that can be very harsh you two have something very special. And why?  All because of your sucky, wingman dad.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. For more help on connecting and locating these “good guys” check out this question I answered.  And don’t forget to download “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” for free on the 17th-18th!

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Where to find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men

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Dear Megan,

Where do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men?  Seems like a pretty tall order! Yet here I am asking. Where can I find these quality men to date? I’ve decided I am 100% done with Tinder, (I seem to attract and be attracted to the exact opposite man I’m looking for in terms of a relationship there), and am not too keen on the other online dating sites. I have tried a few of them, but I’m wondering what other options there are these days. I’m a working professional with a master’s degree, fit and attractive, and 28. My field is mostly female dominated, but I’d actually like to date someone in a different field anyway. I’m taking a bit of a hiatus from dating right now, but I’d like to look forward to better matches when I am ready to date again. 

Any ideas?

-Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places


 

Dear “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places,”

I see what you did there…  You tried to stuff the perfect, (and rare), alpha-beta blend into three seemingly all-encompassing words! Lol…  Yeeeaaaahhh, you gotta wake up pretty early to get one past me.   But I’ll play your game since your criteria is a good place to start. Just know that I’ll be here when you find this dream boat but come back wanting to expand your “I just what a man who’s…” list to include:

SINGLE, doesn’t have a face kids want to wear as a Halloween mask, shows up on time, doesn’t want to pee on you (or have some other weird fetish), couldn’t have gone to grade school with your grandfather, will stick things out through the tough times, doesn’t have a drug/porn/work/food addiction, doesn’t have a gang ‘o kids, won’t require a magnifying glass to see his frank and beans, isn’t a member of Hell’s Angels, doesn’t live in Prague if you live in Philly, wants to have (or not have) kids like you, is (or isn’t) adventurous like you, is attracted to you and your particular brand of tea, isn’t a stripper, isn’t a “furry,” is somewhat of a decent communicator, isn’t a polygamist, doesn’t look pregnant, doesn’t have a relationship with his mom that creeps you out, isn’t gay (or if you’re a gay guy, is gay), speaks English, isn’t in federal prison, is disease-free, has at least some sort of sense of humor, is over 5’9”…

Aaaannnddd we’re back at wanting “Mr. Perfect.” 

It’s a slippery slope when you focus on anything other than how a wolf makes you feel; but if we’re honest, most of us have external criteria we condition our love on, and I’m not here to judge, so here’s some help.

To being with, the short answer to your question, “Where do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men,” is: everywhere.  The more relevant answer to your question, however, is: wherever you are open to receiving one.  In life you get what you expect, (even if it’s subconscious).  If you go into a certain place, whether online or in-person, thinking your guy couldn’t possibly be there, guess what?  He won’t.  But if you go into a situation with an open mind, you’ve made room to receive him.  Consequently, since you can find these men anywhere, the better question is “When do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men?”  And the right timing requires two things.

Since like attracts like, you must first become the three things you want to attract.  It’s the only way to form a long-lasting connection with a man who embodies all three.  Fortunately, and despite what most of us have been taught, financial success is a mindset.  If you see yourself as prosperous, having more than you need, (the very definition of abundance), you are free to declare yourself financially successful anytime you choose to.  When it comes to kindness, feedback from others will help you adjust anything there, if necessary.  And if the feedback isn’t good, and you’re at a total loss on where to get help being kinder, uh, maybe try Goofus and Gallant in “Highlights for Children?”

The big kahuna that stumps most people is the emotionally available part.  Therefore, let this be your guiding principle:  You’re emotionally available when the men you’re attracting are emotionally available.

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

I hate to say it, but if the wolf you’re talking to is blocking love in some way, and you stick around for more than, say, a date or informative conversation, it’s because you’re emotionally unavailable in some way, too.  Bummer.  Don’t fret though, if you really want a quality relationship you’ll burn out of the dead-end guys.  And after taking a deep look inside of yourself, you’ll come out no longer willing to put up with anyone’s elusive, flaky, overly sex-driven, not-over-his-ex, perfectionist, controlling, and/or commitment-phobic behavior.

Okay, say you are all three of those things, the second thing you’ll need, as stated above, is to be open to meeting this guy wherever you go.  That openness and lack of expectation is why many people say you’ll meet him when you least expect it.

Now, with all that said, there are places where your chances of meeting a man with all three qualities are higher than others.  Sure, one can meet such a man in the casual encounters section of Craigslist, (or in what I consider its newer version, Tinder), but who’s got time to try and find a needle in that haystack.

So, without further ado, here is a list of meet-and-greet places I’ve found men with all three qualities to be more likely to frequent.  It is based on my experience and observations, not some stock internet list, so know that this list is “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” approved.  (And, side note, I’ve intentionally left out tennis clubs and yoga studios as those men seem to be a bit weird upon closer inspection.)  Enjoy!

-Megan 🙂

 

Where to Find Emotionally Available, Financially Successful, and Kind Men

(In order of preference)

 

  • Charity events
  • Volunteer work
  • Workshops/lectures by your favorite spiritual/financial/motivational/educational teachers
  • TED Talks
  • The bar area of a high-end restaurant
  • Friends and family who know you and your taste
  • The bar area of a high-end sports bar
  • Great seats at sporting events, (and/or access to exclusive areas)
  • Performing arts venues, (including bars with live music in nice neighborhoods)
  • Paid online dating sites
  • Trade shows and conventions
  • Walking/exercising at beaches and hiking trails in really nice areas
  • The bar area of any restaurant with good food in a nice area
  • The golf course, (but if you can’t play better to stick with the range… and if you can’t hit worth a lick better to stick with the bar at the country club)
  • Food and wine festivals
  • High-end gyms (if you have a game plan for if things don’t work out)
  • Airplanes, airport lounges, and airport bars
  • Boat and car shows
  • Cigar bars (if you can stomach how they make your hair and clothes smell)
  • Casinos (…but keep it classy, please)
  • Stuck in your, or your girlfriend’s, friend-zone

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Real guy vs fantasy guy… Help, please.

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Dear Megan,

Okay, here goes. I’m a 24-year old girl with anxiety, and I’m dating a very nice man. We had three dates and tomorrow will be the fourth. I have never had a boyfriend before, never been kissed, etc… He is very nice and understanding of all that, but I am scared.

First of all, I love being single. Second, I always had/have celebrity crushes. I know it sounds immature. It’s so embarrassing. I have to grow up. But these crushes are perfect!  They won’t hug me and kiss me. Never. But fantasizing about them is so safe and good. I really like fantasizing and daydreaming about them. It’s better than reality. And I am so scared that my expectations are so high that I won’t be able to love somebody who doesn’t look/sound like my celebrity crushes.

I know I have to live in reality, but giving up this dream world is scary. Maybe I have fantasized so much that I will be unable to live in reality?  I feel like I now have to give up these crushes as my single life is changing, and it makes me anxious. I told this man about my anxiety since I know I should choose a real man and not an imaginary one, and he accepts it. When I am with this man, I feel good, but when I am alone with my thoughts, I am filled with doubts and anxiety.  What do I do???

-Stuck in Fantasyland


Dear Stuck in Fantasyland,

I actually like this question!  (And not just because it gave me an excuse to look at, like, a thousand Justin Bieber photos… [where’s a heart emoji when you need one]).  Sure, on the surface it sounds a little cray cray – just keepin’ it real – but underneath, your “problem” is super common.  So common, in fact, that it’s at the heart of every disappointment in every relationship, whether it be a romantic one, a family-related one, or a platonic one.  You see, when people get hurt in a relationship it’s for one reason and one reason only: the other person didn’t live up to their fantasy, (which usually consists of something they would have liked their partner to have done).  So as nuts as you may feel about the semi-extreme way your fear of getting hurt is playing out, trust me, you’re tackling a big and common issue, and I applaud you for doing it head on.

Before we get to the meat of it, let me just say that part of your anxiety stems from feeling like you have to give up more than you do.  When it comes to how your celebrity crush looks and sounds, well, you can keep that.  I not only know of cases where people found a mate who fit their celebrity crush’s physical description, but I, myself, have dated about eight replicas!  However, once you have more experience with men I’m willing to bet you’ll start to value more important qualities.  Tragic.  I know.

Additionally, you should know that you don’t have to give up anything before you’re ready.  Since you “love being single” and find comfort in these fantasies more than the idea of dating a real wolf (I mean “guy,” sorry, old habit), I recommend dreamin’ on for now.  Relationships require too much work to enter before you’re “all in.”  And since the ultimate goal of being in one is to feel good, and you already found a way to do that being single, why bother fixing what isn’t broken.  Being single is only a problem if you don’t want to be single.

BUT, let’s say you do want a real, in-the-flesh relationship.  You know, for sh*ts and giggles.  The good news is that you also don’t have to give up how the fantasy guy makes you feel – (excited… frisky… and like you are very much a woman, he he) – just know that the real guy won’t make you feel that way all the time.  Which brings me to the only thing you do have to give up: your unwillingness to cope with the fact that your real guy is going to do something that your fantasy guy will never do, and that’s disappoint you…  A LOT.

Since you feel good when you’re with the guy you’re currently dating, but doubtful and anxious of the relationship when away, I’m going to guess that you’re ready for a “real” relationship but have experienced some trauma that has left you extra-sensitive to the disappointment that inevitably comes with intimate relationships.  Consequently, the game plan that I’m going to recommend to you is two-fold.

First and foremost, pick a guy whose intentions you feel you can trust.  This trust is built not just on a dialogue that affirms a shared vision for the relationship, but on consistently thoughtful behavior that supports said vision.  Sure, he’ll have minor slip ups at times because he’s not a mind reader, (or he’s tired of your sh*t on a particular day), but once you express your grievance, (or he gets his energy back), he’ll be eager to make things right by you.  This is the most important step, by the way – picking a guy you feel safe with – and by “minor slip ups” I mean anything that isn’t, say, physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive.  Never allow anyone to demean you in any way.

Second, pre-determine your process for dealing with the inevitable disappointment and/or anger his slip ups will cause.  If you find that your emotional reaction doesn’t fit the crime due to your extra-sensitivity, first clarify with yourself that his behavior is just reminding you of something hurtful someone else once did.  He most likely (unintentionally) hit an emotional sore spot.  Here, your ability to trust his intentions will allow you to calm down, breathe deeply through your emotions, and develop a new plan of action moving forward.

If, however, your hurt or rage is proportionate to the “crime,” then as your first step I recommend finding a place  (away from the knives) where you can calm down and absorb what all just happened and how it made you feel.  Sit with those thoughts and feelings, write them down and/or talk to someone with a track record of healthy relationships.  Then accept what happened, and, when ready, return to him for his side of the story.  Hear him out and what he was thinking, and share your side, taking breaks if/when things get heated.  If you picked a guy with nothing but good intentions for you and your relationship, thoroughly discussing the issue will allow both of you to develop a deeper understanding of each other and strengthen your relationship.

If you picked the wrong guy, and he did something like, say, up-and-left you, well, I guess the good news is that you don’t have to do the last step?  (Silver linings, people!)  But you do have to join in on the final step which is to learn the lesson the incident taught you.  What do you now know about yourself, him, and your relationship that will make you stronger and better moving forward.

Briefly, when it comes to losing someone to a difficult-to-manage illness and/or death, and “life” becomes the focus of your disappointment, I know it sounds cliché but all I recommend in that case is time.  Time to grieve, heal, and feel the range of emotions, (or seemingly lack of emotions), that pass through your heart.  The running thread I’ve noticed among survivors of deep losses such as those is that it taught them how to love deeper and differently.  So there will be treasure waiting for you on the other side of your grief, but in the meantime all you can do is take things day by day.

So, as you can see, Stuck in Fantasyland, your fears and hesitancy to trade in your celebrity crushes for real life relationships are justifiable.  Real relationships come with pain and disappointment; but know that with that pain and disappointment come tools that help us grow.  We become better lovers who can then go on to experience love on deeper and deeper levels.  But if you’re still not sure if all this is for you I have one last piece of good news: When you’re ready to make the switch, the very idea of a real relationship will become your new fantasy, disappointing flaws and all.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

The dirty little secret to living the life of your dreams

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But at what cost?

Dear Megan,

I’m in a bit of a pickle. I am a 22-year-old woman living with my 23-year-old fiancé. I’m about to finish my degree, and once it’s completed the two of us will be moving back in with his parents until the wedding, and then we plan to move abroad after a long honeymoon in India.

Where the problem comes in, is the future we have paved for ourselves. For a long while, even before the two of us met, I’ve not been enthused by the 9-5/office job lifestyle. I’ve always wanted to travel for extended periods, earning money whilst seeing the world.

When we got together of course I had to make some serious considerations in my head. Once we’d been together for a while, and I knew this was going to be for the long-haul, I brought it up with him and it was clear that he didn’t want to join me in this venture. Which is fair enough, we’d essentially be moving from country to country every 6-12 months, living my dream, with my partner following me around from job to job. It’d be unfair on him. Later, we came up with a compromise. We’d spend a few months in India for our honeymoon. Great stuff.

However, the more time goes by, the more I realize that a few months in India isn’t going to satisfy this urge. I find myself looking at teaching English abroad every month or two, places to go, qualifications to attain, etc. But after a couple of hours I always end up saying, “Well, it’s not actually going to happen, it’s just a dream, so stop wasting your time, you fool.” Then I sort of give up, feeling a bit deflated.

This keeps happening, and more and more frequently. So now I seem to be stuck in this horrible dilemma of: Do I set aside my dreams, perhaps regretting never even trying years from now? Or do I leave my fiancé, whom I love so much, and perhaps regret that years from now?

Sincerely,

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe


Dear “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe,”

A pickle indeed, you are in! (Sigh. Yoda impersonations never work via text.) Anywho, if you know me, you know I’m all about giving you the tools to make the best decision for yourself. So, what I’m about to share with you will not only do just that, but it’ll change your life. (#HumbleBragging.) I could break all the information down for you here, but my brother-from-another-mother, Srinivas Rao, did it so eloquently in his article “5 Things I Had to Give Up to Be Successful,” it’d be a shame not to refer you to it.  I encourage you to check it out here.

From it, you’ll learn the dirty little secret to living the life of your dreams: “There’s an opportunity cost to everything worthwhile in life.” And while we all may get that mentally, it’s only after we fully accept it that we can embrace who we are and set a solid foundation for living contently ever after.

You see, your question is so much bigger than “Should I do this?” or “Should I do that?” It’s “How do I live the life of my dreams and be 100% okay with it?” And the answer to that comes down to not only knowing, but accepting the cost of your dream. After all, regret, lack of conviction, and feeling guilty about who and how you are can spoil any well-planned, globe-trekking adventure or marriage.

As Rao points out, if you want to be a doctor you’ll give up basically a decade of your life to training. And if you want to be an entrepreneur you give up, amongst a thousand other things, the need for certainty and security through a steady paycheck. If you want kids you give up the ability to take more risks and financial freedoms. And, as you’re finding out now, if you want to travel the world you give up familiarity, time with friends and family, and a sense of belonging and community. Gulp. That’s a lot.

In my case, I chose travel over everything else and it was worth it because, as Prince Ea beautifully points out in this video, we don’t necessarily have dreams, they have us. When it came to giving up other things to live the life of my dreams, some things were easier to let go of than others. I was fortunate enough to learn early on that I had to give up other people’s definition of success in order to find the peace I sought after intimately observing my millionaire mentors struggle with personal fulfillment; but as you can see in my book “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” giving up baggage related to past experiences took “a little” longer.

So, here’s the tool I want to give you to help you solve this, and similar, dilemmas as they arise. When you find yourself really wanting something write down what it is and put it in one column. Then, write down what belief, habit, etc. you’ll have to give up in order to achieve it in another column. Finally, if you’re willing to pay the cost, in the last column write down what you’ll need to do physically and/or mentally to support your desire in light of its cost. From this process you will also get how creative you can be with your compromises, and when something is so far of a reach that it no longer supports who you are as a person.

All this, my dear, is a great secret for you to learn at your age. It will serve you greatly in achieving contentment whilst being your most authentic self. And it will also help you build the proper foundation for a life that fulfills your deepest desires. And once you have that foundation the rest will fall into place. Best of luck, and when in Venice stop in Harry’s and have a Bellini for me ;).

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Is interactive porn cheating?

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Dear Megan,

A friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for over a year. They are happy and seem to be totally in love.

Recently she went through his emails – (he is very open with her and she has all of his passwords… he says he has nothing to hide and she can access whatever she wants) – and found an email to a company that allows you to access xxx content on snapchat. You pay a monthly fee and can watch pornstars on your snapchat and are given access to explicit content. The reason he emailed the company is because the credit card payment was not going through, so he emailed the help desk.

She is very upset. She doesn’t care if he watches porn, (as most men do), but this seems to be a little different. She doesn’t know if she is over exaggerating and has not confronted him yet.

What do you think? Is this a form of cheating?

-Curious… For a friend


Dear “Curious…  For a friend,”

Christ!  I can’t stay on top of the porn game to save my life! Lol…  Paid porn on Snapchat?  Well, I don’t know much about that service, but given your girlfriend’s approval of “traditional” porn, I’m going to assume that this company provides a more personal, interactive experience.  (Otherwise, all he’s guilty of is stupidly paying to see boobies when many sites offer them for free. )  So, yeah, I get it.  While most people have made peace with their partner using pornographic video and images to stimulate their imagination during “me time,” when it comes to the newer, private, “shouldn’t that be something only you and I do together,” interactive stuff, many gals and guys are left wondering, “Is that cheating?”

To begin with, each couple has the power to define the rules of their relationship for themselves, so cheating can only be called out by a person within the relationship when they feel the other has violated their agreement.  Sure, the act of romantically being with someone other than your mate is usually considered cheating, but that’s not always the case; and if one truly wants to establish a fair playing ground it’s best to lay out all the rules up front.  But as you’ve pointed out, while most may know what they consider cheating to be physically and emotionally, not everyone knows what it is pornographically.  And in that case education and knowing one’s self is the key.

When considering the topic of porn, it’s important to remember that interactive experiences aren’t anything new.  From the moment Eve covered herself with a fig leaf and Adam got her to flash him for a berry we’ve had strip clubs.  And rumor has it that during early tests, Alexander Graham Bell rang Mrs. Bell in the other room and when she picked up asked, “So what are you wearing?” thereby inventing phone sex before the first telephone was ever sold.  But since strip clubs are public and phone sex lacks visuals, partners who have made peace with them usually do so on those grounds.  Now, however, we live in an age where our mate can go into the other room, look, talk and experience sexual pleasure with another via things like webcams and text messages, and feel good about it because the girl or guy on the other end is a stranger and not Becky or Jim from work.

And is that cheating?  Well, it depends on one thing:  How you feel about it.  To be fair to fans of “the webcam” not all subscribers care to interact.  Some are more fascinated by the fact that it’s live and just want to watch.  So back and forth communication could be a line you draw if it’s the interacting that bothers you more than the looking.

However, if you’re uncomfortable with how the whole interactive medium easily lends itself to a more personal experience – (after all, they sometimes do lead to real-life meetups as in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols“) – you can draw a line on the whole darn thing if you want.  The established, more common rules of cheating that you’ve already adopted are based on your feelings anyhow, so why set them aside now?  Your mate has plenty of other options, and since these are newer mediums he or she should have no trouble sticking to, or returning to, his or her original sources.

If interactive porn doesn’t bother you or your partner at all, and, like the hippy parents of a pot-smoking teen, you’re cool with whatever goes on as long as it stays in the basement, then this activity will be free of the cheating label in your relationship.  It really does come down to how each person feels about it, and the decision the couple reaches as a result.

In closing, only your girlfriend can know what she’s okay with or not in a relationship, so encourage her to be honest with herself about how something makes her feel, and establish her boundaries from there.  If her partner feels the same way, sweet.  If he doesn’t, but decides rocking with her is more important than playing with live action porn stars, double-sweet.  Either way, once she knows what she likes, she’ll have the answer as to whether or not interactive porn is, for her, cheating.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And for anyone interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Goodbye, mother who disowned me. Hello, abandonment issues…

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Dear Megan,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Just over 8 years ago, my mother rang me up to tell me she no longer wanted me to be in her life. I had recently turned 30. We’d had a difficult relationship for many years and I believe this was an extreme maneuver to get me to beg her to keep me in her life and thus establish her as being in control of me again – that’s how she tends to like things.

I was deeply crushed but certainly did not grovel to be taken back. My pride and dignity just wouldn’t allow me. My mother is a complex mix of 20% loveliness and the other 80% is composed of aggression, volatility, unpredictability, and the list goes on. She was such a lovely mother in my early childhood, but she appeared to change and become very aggressive and violent after I turned ten.

The biggest problem in all of this is the fact that I find it really difficult to be open to having a proper relationship with a man as I fear he may not be able to fully understand my family circumstances as it’s quite unusual to be in this situation. I literally don’t know anyone else who shares my circumstances so it feels quite isolating at times. It’s also hard for me to imagine how anyone would be able to love me if my own mother isn’t able to feel proper love for me. I really want to be able to move on with my life and be part of a loving relationship, but these barriers seem to hold me back.

This is me speaking from having a lot of therapy over the years. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

-Disowned 😦


Dear “Disowned,”

Yep.  Crazy mothers…  You are soooo not alone in having to deal with one; and when it comes to the “disownment” department, I got your back in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”  Been there, done that.  As your time in therapy has shown you, it’s tough to find something that can take away the feelings of pain, disappointment, alienation, and unworthiness of love that a mother who walks out on you can cause, but as someone who’s been in your shoes I’m grateful for the opportunity to share with you the things that have worked for me on my journey to trust in love again.

To begin with, I want you to know that it’s important for you to allow the little girl inside of you, the girl who just wants her mommy, to grieve over her absence.  It’s like a death, and all transitions of that sort require a painful mental shift that must be given its proper respect.  The pain is a sign that you actually did value the relationship, and there’s no shame in that.  So cry.  Ugly cry.  Stay in bed.  Write a letter to your mom detailing the hopes and dreams you had for a loving mother-daughter relationship, and your disappointment in them not coming true.  Give it to her, don’t give it to her, do whatever you feel like doing during this grieving process.  All that matters is that you get it out.  And write a letter to the little girl inside of you, as well.  Let her know what you’ve got her back and will be the one taking care of her from now on.  Tell her that she’s safe, and can rely on you.

Once you’ve gotten all that out and feel ready to move forward, you and your tired-from-crying eyes can now focus on the next step.  This is where you understand that the pain, disappointment, alienation, unworthiness, etc that you’ve been feeling has less to do with your mom actually leaving, and more to do with the story you’ve told yourself about what her leaving says about you.  Whatever emotional wounds your mom had before you were born were still there after you were born.  And for all we know her staying in your life could have done more harm than good, while her leaving could have been the most loving thing she’s ever done for you, (well, outside of allowing her body to be used to bring you into this planet).

There are many parents who have stayed in their child’s life only to abuse them physically, mentally, and/or emotionally, and when you make up the story that your mom’s disownment means that she doesn’t love you, or that you’re somehow unworthy of love, you experience the pain that comes with the lie “Something is wrong with me.  I don’t deserve love.”  And no matter what your circumstances are in life, if you tell yourself that crap, AND BELIEVE IT, you’re gonna hurt like a motherf*cker, (no pun intended).

“Okay, so my mom not being around is more of an expression of love, and given her f’ed up mentality, she (consciously or subconsciously) removed herself and her toxic ways from my life in an effort to give me a chance at creating the happy life that has always eluded her.”  That becomes your new, empowering story.

Now, while that shift in perspective is a crucial step in the healing process, it most certainly isn’t the last.  Why?  Because it doesn’t change the fact that there are times in life when you still just want your frickin’ mommy, or hell, even a mommy.  So, what do you do next?  You give to others the very thing you crave.

You want to feel love, guidance, and support?  Find a kid out there who can use it and give it to him or her; or if you have children give it to them.  That way you not only can participate in the loving exchange you’ve always wanted, but you give meaning to the pain you’ve felt over your mother’s absence.  You see, the key to overcoming these challenging situations in life is not to try and get rid of the pain, but to transform it into love.  Notice how your mom walking out has allowed you to value things like reliability and unconditional love more than you might have otherwise?  Well, bring that gain from the situation, not the pain from whatever you think you lost, to your current relationships.  And appreciate the loving relationships you create.  Be present with them.  

Then appreciate the loving, compassionate woman you’ve become as a result of having a mother who could only love you from a distance.  When you do that, the guy you meet and like won’t be turned off by your distant relationship with your mom, but rather inspired by what you’ve done with the tough cards life dealt you, (not to mention grateful to be the beneficiary of the depth of love you developed as a result).

So, to sum it up, (#CheatSheet), my advice is to: (1) let yourself grieve the loss of your ideal mother-daughter relationship, (2) change your abandonment story to one that empowers you, (3) give away whatever you feel you didn’t get and appreciate the exchange while it’s happening, and (4) focus on what you gained in terms of sensitivity and values from your mother’s absence so that the disownment becomes an asset to your future relationships instead of a liability.

Lastly, remember that this is a process.  Some days will be better than others, but before you know it you’ll not only have made peace with your relationship with your mother, but realize that you’re able to do kick-ass stuff like respond to letters from strangers asking you for help on overcoming some of life’s biggest challenges. And all because your mother never fully left you.  Only the 80% dysfunctional side of her did.  The rest of her – the best of her – she left inside of you.  Even if she only had 20% ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Is true love easy and effortless?

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Dear Megan,

This question is in my head a lot at the moment. I’m struggling to decide if my ex just wasn’t the one, or if we both put walls up and didn’t try hard enough to push through them, (I know I certainly did). 

One month after the breakup, I know where I went wrong, I just wouldn’t “let him in.”  He tried to help me with this, but I was way too careful about protecting myself.  Now that I’ve got nothing left to lose I realize that I should have trusted him and opened up. Maybe things would be different. He was also careful to guard himself, though, but in a different way. There was clearly a lack of communication. I think he was more aware of this than me, at the time anyway.  

When I last spoke to my ex just after the breakup I said, “I know I didn’t try hard enough but I was scared.” He replied, “You shouldn’t have to try.”  Do you agree? 

Does true love just happen?  Should it be easy and effortless, or do you still have to work through some issues?  And if you do, how do you know if the relationship’s one to work on, or one to walk away from? 

-Deep in Thought

 


Dear Deep in Thought,

Good questions!  And given your introspective, what-do-I-need-to-learn-from-this-breakup way of thinking I’d say you’re definitely on track to experiencing the “true love” you seek.  All I hope to do now is help you separate fact from fiction so you can recognize that quality relationship when it’s in front of you. Does true love just happen?  Should the relationship be easy and effortless?  And if relationships do require work, how do you know which one to work on, and which one to walk away from?

To begin with, I feel your pain.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I mention the many “you’re cute and all, but not worth the trouble” wolves – (that’s guys for all you newcomers) – that came in and out of my life.   They’re there for a fun ride, but can’t handle the speed bumps that inevitably occur during the “intimacy freak-out” stage – (that’s when you start to get close, become uncomfortable when more vulnerability and trust is required, and then do something dramatic to create a bit of distance between the two of you in an effort to feel safe and secure again).  “It should be easy,” is usually one of the last things those guys say when everything’s over; and, left feeling like damaged goods from childhood wounds and past relationships, you wonder, “Should it?”

Well, to answer your first question, is true love effortless? YES.  Are relationships? NO.  Now stick with me while I go deep for a second.  (Tee hee, “that’s what he said.”  Okay, serious face.)  “True love,” to be clear, is a force, or energy, or whatever you want to call it, that naturally exists in the universe.  You don’t have to do anything to gain access to it just as you don’t have to do anything for the sun to rise in the morning.  It’s your birthright.  You did nothing to deserve it.  It’s just there.  Enjoy.  One day you’re born, and boom, you can feel love for whatever, and whomever, (including yourself), whenever you’re open to it.  If you’re like most of us you may have developed beliefs about yourself and your fellow human beings that often block your ability to perceive love, but it’s still there.  And the second you let your guard down, forget your hindering story of unworthiness, and accidentally look your pet, child, or dying parent in the eye, bam! You feel it.      

However, when it comes to love relationships, well that’s another story.  Consistently staying open to love and directing it, (through loving actions), towards someone with their own unique set of needs, expectations, and desires requires not only work, but a lot of it.  While you can love anybody, in order to have a mutually loving relationship with someone – involving things like sight, sound, and touch – you both need to come to understand each other in an out, learn what makes the other tick, and develop a game plan on healing whatever wounds you both bring to the table that block the flow of love between the two of you.  So yeah, work, or as you put it “effort,” is involved.  As well as time, understanding, compassion, patience, pain, dedication, some trials by fire, trust, vulnerability…

If you’re wondering how much work, well, the amount of effort involved is directly correlated to how prepared and experienced each person is in the process of cultivating love.  The more experience both people have at loving themselves and others before they enter the relationship the smoother things will be. (And as “practice makes progress” most past and – gulp – current relationships serve as that experience.)  But no pain, no gain.  So no matter how good at “loving” either party is coming in, if anyone is to grow from their current state and experience the deeper love your specific union offers, both people can expect to encounter some “growing pains” as conflicting beliefs or habits are exposed and shed. 

And now for your other brilliant question, “How do you know if you’re in a relationship that’s worth working on, or one you should walk away from?” Well, you stay when what’s being asked of you is something that will allow you to experience love in a deeper way, and you go when there’s no more room for growth.  

If staying means that you have the opportunity to practice letting go of a behavior and/or belief that has previously prevented you from experiencing intimacy and love in a safe environment, unpack your bags, put on some tea, and get to talkin’.  Conversely, it’s time to go when staying feels like stagnation or regression.  When the solution to whatever issue you two are having won’t help you to experience love in a deeper and fuller way, go.  Even if it just feels like something’s off.  Go.  Deep down you know what’s good for you.  And since there will always be another opportunity to grow in love you risk nothing when trusting yourself.  Your gut will never steer you wrong.

Lastly, on the journey to your amazing love affair, it’s important to remember that “Everything that has left you couldn’t stay, and everything that has stayed couldn’t leave you.”  You’ve lost nothing and no one necessary to fulfill your purpose and live the life of your dreams.  You’ve only gained things, like clarity.  Stay open to love.  And stay committed to loving yourself.  When you do that you’ll attract someone who will also love you, and he will stick.  No amount of trouble you give him will be able to drive him away – (trust me, I know).  He’ll be well-equipped for it.  Winston Churchill said, “I like a man who grins when he fights,” and it is that man, NOT the one who says, “it’s supposed to be easy,” who will stick it out with you, fight past you guys’ demons with you, and help co-create a loving relationship with you.  So chin up, girl.  True love is on its way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Help! I’m torn between two guys! Which one do I choose?

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Neither look like Channing? Read on…

Dear Megan,

I am going crazy because I have no one to talk to and no idea what to do. I have been best friends with who I’ll call “C” for a few years and we are very close. About a year ago he confessed that he was in love with me, however I had just started dating my current boyfriend, “T”. So fast forward to now, C is still in love with me, we work together and hang out all the time and he is my true best friend, and he is deeply in love with me still and tries every way he can to be with me.

My boyfriend and I live together and he is great. He is handsome and tall, and we have great sex and don’t fight much. However, in the beginning of our relationship we did have problems because he lied to me and talked to other girls, but that ended and hasn’t been going on for over a year now. Bottom line is, I am torn because I have developed feelings for C and they just keep getting stronger, to the point where I have considered breaking up with T… But every time I try to break up with him, I feel horrible and think of all the good things and I wonder why I’m even doing this. But then later I regret not breaking up with him because I see C and talk to him and I just want to kiss him so bad.

I don’t know which man I will be happier with, and I don’t know how I will ever decide. I don’t want to make a mistake because I will lose one of them no matter what 😦

-Torn

 


Dear “Torn,”

“Oh no, I have two guys fawning over me!  How ever do I choose?”  Lol.  Life’s so hard, isn’t it?  Haha.  But seriously, “Torn,” I feel you.  For those of us who know that there are a ton of nice, eligible bachelors out there this is, indeed, our reality.  And the question then becomes, as you’ve stated, “How do I know which one I’ll be happier with so that I can pick the right one?”

In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” my girls say, “it takes a village,” and it seems that you’re dabbling in that philosophy, as well.  You’ve got one need, (your emotional need), being met by a wolf, er, guy, (sorry, old habit), who’s masquerading as a best friend; and another need, (your physical need), being met by your boyfriend.  On the surface it sounds like one connection is deep and the other is superficial, but I’m not convinced that that’s the case given the fact that your best friend’s conflict-causing agenda leaves little room for soul satisfaction; and the details you didn’t provide about “the good things” you have with your current boyfriend may, in fact, be very meaningful.  At any rate, I’ll just do what I was probably going to do anyway, and that’s teach you how to fish.

When torn between two guys, it’s first important to get clear on what you want in life and in a relationship, (and I’ll explain why later).  Imagine the best version of yourself.  You living out your dreams and doing things you find very fulfilling, things that feel good.  Now, which guy do you see by your side helping you brainstorm solutions to problems that come up, celebrating your victories, and carrying you through moments of let-down and doubt?

And since the flow of love is not just about receiving but giving, you’ll also want to look at which guy has a vision for his life, as well as a decision-making process you respect, that you can get behind.

You should also want to touch, and by touch I mean tooouucchhhh, your man; but know that “decent” sex-lives can get better, while shared visions and mutual respect are either there or they aren’t.

With all that said, if you want to live “happily ever after,” the most important thing to look for in a man you have chemistry with is, not just a willingness, but a capacity to do the hard work relationships require for growth over time.  Does he meet relationship challenges, (not just work-related ones), head on; or does he run for the hills or avoid?  Most guys are great during the fun times, but for you to make it through the tough times you’ll have to have someone who’s committed.  Right now you know more about how your boyfriend handles conflict, and him changing his untrustworthy ways in the beginning of your relationship is a good sign that he knows how to take ownership and adjust his behavior for the sake of a relationship.  Your best friend may also be a committed guy, but you won’t know that until you actually date him.

Which brings me back to why your first assignment is getting clear on who you are.  You see, your real question, “Should I leave a good relationship for one that might be better for me?” is a question you can ask in any relationship – (even one you might take up with your current best friend) – until infinity.  So the goal is really to get so in touch with yourself that your dream guy becomes as clear to you as your dream career, or your dream house, vacation, best friend, etc.  You then eliminate the notion of a “better” partner, and become left with – dare I say it – an unmistakable soul mate…  “This is my man,” you’ll be able to proudly declare. “This is the one who is in harmony with my soul and my deepest desires.”  And from that standpoint either a guy will fit the bill or he won’t.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

So get clear on who you are, “Torn,” and you’ll see that the guy you end up with was never an option, but, in fact, The One.

-Megan 🙂

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.