I’m just about ready to give up on dating, and here’s why. When I’m interested in a girl and develop a crush on her, it’s usually due to having gotten to know her and interacted with her. Not deep enough to become friends, but enough so that I develop a sense of her personality, what kind of person she is, and how she treats and interacts with other people. Yes, I’m also attracted to her looks. Yes, I desire her sexually. I’m not some white knight who is trying to protect her from the bad boys who want to get her into bed with them. I wouldn’t mind getting her into my bed, too.
But what if I also respect her as a person and I like being kind to her? What if I want to say nice things to her or even help her out in some things with no strings attached, simply because I want to? Why is being a nice guy regarded as a criminal act now? There’s so much dating advice out there telling guys to be more “alpha” and to stop being the nice guy who gets victimized by women.
Am I a loser nice guy whose gonna die alone? Do I have to be mean and play head games with girls I’m attracted to because being a nice guy is now the equivalent of being a loser? If I’m a nice guy with no agenda, will I still to “finish last?”
-Mr. Nice Guy
Dear “Mr. Nice Guy,”
If only I had a nickel… Alright, I’m gonna do something different and start off by first asking you a question, “Mr. Nice Guy.” What else are you besides “nice?” Because – and I hate to say it, my friend – right now you’re coming across as “nice and shallow…” Singling out one positive attribute and thinking that should be enough to “get the girl” is as shallow as thinking that having lots of money, or being physically attractive should be enough, and, quite frankly, no one thing is.
Dating isn’t easy for anyone, but the unsuccessful-at-getting-the-girl, self-proclaimed “nice guys” who do “finish last” – yes, some do – do so NOT because they’re nice, but because: (1) they’re blind to, or choose to ignore, a much larger issue that makes them unattractive to the girls they like, (which often includes thinking that nice behavior should be enough); and (2) they chase girls they’re not compatible with.
For the record, I don’t think being a nice guy and being an alpha male are mutually exclusive. But in your scenario, the difference between a consistently unsuccessful-at-getting-the-girl “nice guy,” and a successful-at-getting-her “alpha” is that the alpha is less focused on “just being nice” and more focused on mutual chemistry. The self-proclaimed “nice guy,” on the other hand, pursues the girl he wants regardless of what she actually wants/is attracted to, which is why he keeps coming up short.
So, “Mr. Nice Guy,” what else are you? What else about you might a specific girl you like find attractive? Are you nice and sexy? (If she likes that.) Nice, fun, and reliable? (If she likes that.) Do you share her values? Do you remind her of her father if she’s attracted to men like her father?…
If you don’t want to be a nice guy who finishes last, the key is to focus on courting girls who are attracted to all the other things you are in addition to being nice.
Now, to answer your question, “Are you destined to finish last?” Not necessarily. But if you do, let’s hope it’s in the good way ;). Best of luck.
Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.