Did sex on the first date ruin my chances of a long-term relationship?

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Dear Megan,

Sex on the first date. Is that a terrible idea? If I did that, (I did), will it ruin my chances of this guy seeing me as long-term potential?

I feel grossed out that I did it. And his interest seems waning. Afterwards, he did ask if I wanted to join him at a party he originally told me about the next night. I wasn’t free to go and he hasn’t put much effort into texting me since. He’s very attractive, and I wonder if I’m not attractive enough for him, or if I was just too easy to sleep with.

Right now I feel terrible. Unattractive, easy, and cheap.  I want to dig a hole and hide inside it.

Please help!

Sincerely yours,

-First Date Floozy

 


Dear “First Date Floozy,”

Wow…  Dare I touch “sex on the first date” with a ten-foot pole? Or should I just use a ten-inch one and see if you can handle it, you saucy little minx.  Hahaha. BOOOMMMM!!!!  Just kidding… I couldn’t resist. (That’s what she said.)  Okay, last one.  But, seriously, let’s everybody calm down, take a deep breath, grab some wine, and pull up a chair, because when it comes to sex things are about to get a whole lot easier…

To begin with, let me just say that I’ve known some fantastic couples who slept together on the first date and have been happily together – (keyword: “happily”) – for over twenty-five years.  I’ve also known some couples who have been together for just as long but did not.  So, as far as I’m concerned, sleeping together on the first date does NOT ruin the potential for a long-term relationship.

BUT, can it be a terrible idea?

Well, sometimes…

Sex is a terrible idea one time, and one time only: when you know doing it won’t bring you joy.

(Well, technically, I should probably add when you don’t take the proper precautions when it comes to protection… You’re welcome, Planned Parenthood.)

And how will you know for sure when sex won’t bring you joy?  Why, the same way you came to know everything else you know in life, my dear: Experience.

“In life I’ve had to figure out – on my own terms – what works and what doesn’t.  And I’ve have years of practice.” –Drew Barrymore

While most of us don’t have a crystal ball that will tell us if a connection will last forever, (regardless of whether we wait three dates, three weeks, three months, or three years to sleep with a person), we all have an emotional guidance system that will let us know when it’s time to have sex.  But, the only way to tap into this mysterious “know-it-all” machine is to first get out and live.

Allow yourself to have experiences that create contrast – (i.e. “Things that feel good” vs “Things that feel bad”).  And spoiler alert: life will sort of take care of this one on its own…  Whether we want it to or not. (Sad face.)

Then, you’ll want to spend some time alone sifting through the emotional data you’ve collected from said experiences and reflect.

(Mmmm….  Namaste… )

Your natural desire to feel good will help you define what it is that you want from the experiences you’ve had, (i.e. reveal your authentic self), as well as help you create boundaries against any distractions from you living your best life.

And, last but not least, you’ll want to turn around and care soooo much about how you feel that you’ll decide to only do more of what feels good and less of what feels bad.

The self-discipline involved in the last step can be tough at first, but it’s absolutely crucial in honing your skill in quickly, (and eventually effortlessly), following your emotional guidance system’s “yellow brick road” of positive feelings. For every time you honor the emotional data you’ve collected from your experiences, and stick to what feels good, you’ll be rewarded with something else that feels even better.  And that, my friend, is what will allow you to establish the trust you need in your emotional GPS system to handle situations like the one you were in like a Jedi, instead of a Regretful Randy. (Which is a term I just made up… and am pretty proud of).

Right now it’s impossible for you to know just yet whether sex on the first date is appropriate for you because – (follow me now) – you’ve blocked off your ability to properly digest what the information a sexual experience like this has to offer you by getting caught up in the (false) beliefs that: (1) you should already know how an experience will make you feel before you experience it, and (2) that that there’s an appropriate time for you to have sex that can be dictated by someone other than you and your experiences. (Whew!)

Consequently, the negative emotions you’re currently feeling, doll, isn’t due to your emotional guidance system agreeing with you that you’ve done something wrong, it’s due to your emotional guidance system letting you know that there is no joy for you in adopting someone else’s opinion on what you do, or don’t do, with your vagina. 

Relief in this moment will come when you accept the fact that you’re on a journey to learn what works for you; and THEN, and only then, will you be free to receive the insight you seek from what your experiences have to offer you.

This insight will let you know under which circumstances having sex will feel good.  It will let you know what needs to be in place mentally, spiritually, and emotionally for you to get your emotional guidance system’s “it’s safe” signal and gleefully get your freak on.

And, finally, if you want long-term potential with someone who will accept you for you, the answer, again, lies in you getting comfortable “doing you.” (No pun intended…  Or is it… He he he.)  That means that your authentic match will respect you and your desire to have sex whenever the hell you want to.  Not when society deems it appropriate.

The right guy for you will be okay with whatever circumstances you enjoy having sex under.  Those circumstances could be created right away, take longer, or vary.  It all depends on you, and how you feel. 

So, until then, keep sifting and sorting through life and getting to know yourself; and best of luck giving a f*ck, or not giving a f*ck, along the way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

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Was he just trying to have sex with me???

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When he’s got you thinking about going Dutch…

Dear Megan,

So I recently met this guy, and over a period of ten days we: went for a quick drink, (which was nice and we ended up kissing), went out again for dinner the next day, (nice again, chatty, and, again, we kissed), and, finally, we went on a really expensive dinner date, like £400, that he treated me to. He was really chivalrous, picked me up in a cab, and was really sweet.

I ended up staying at his place that night as we had such a good time – it was 100% not planned. I just ended up there after our cab ride home.  However, given my history with dating I decided that it was best that I not sleep with him so quickly, (especially since I found out that his mum saw a picture of me and said, “She’s pretty but better not get excited, you’ll have another one next week…”)

Anyway, he texted me after our date saying he had a lovely time, I’m lovely, he feels comfortable, happy, etc. etc.  A really nice message… Then Sunday he says he will shout me – doesn’t. Wednesday I check in and he says again he will shout me – doesn’t… Now it’s Monday and I’ve just kind of decided that I’ll delete his number as he’s clearly not interested.

Now, I’m wondering if he just wanted to sleep with me but just wasn’t being that straightforward.  A lot of my friends say they would be pissed spending that much money and not getting anywhere, but that is not what I value… Ergh! Dating is hard!

What do you think?

-The Michelin Star Date

 


Dear “Michelin Star Date,”

Ahhhh, sweetie…  In a world where there are many wolves out there just trying to get in your pants, consider any five star meals that come with the chase a perk for all the trouble, lol…

But let’s not be so quick to judge.

Maybe this guy did have some sort of juvenile three-date-rule expectation and was hoping that a fancy dinner would seal the deal.  Or maybe he was just taking you where he likes to eat and paying the prices that come with the “finer things in life…” Or maybe he’s caught up in some sort of “Brewster’s Millions” scenario where he has to spend thirty million dollars in thirty days in order to inherit three hundred million dollars and can’t tell anyone about it… Or maybe it’s all three.

At the end of the day, trying to figure out what made a person move on in the dating game is bound to do only two things: Drive you nuts, and exacerbate insecurities. 

Since the early stages of dating give people a right to change their mind and move on with no questions asked, all you can do during the getting-to-know-each-other phase is make sure that everything you’re doing feels right in light of that fact.

Yeah, it sucks to fall for the charms of someone who ends up being on a different page than you.  But the key to moving from person to person without, (as Winston Churchill would put it), “a loss of enthusiasm” is to focus solely on the harmonious qualities you come across in each guy until everything comes together and leads you to YOUR guy, who will also possess the final, very important quality that all the other guys lacked: staying power.

So keep protecting your heart and having your back during the journey, “Michelin Star Date.”  Remembering the Alan Cohen mantra I shared in The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols, “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no!” And if you happen to come across a charmer who only has sex on the brain, well, just know that the “sex motive” in dating can be a great ally in figuring out who is truly into you sooner than later.  Just don’t forget to thank him for the bubbles and excellent steak on your way out ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

My one answer to the ‘Is it normal when a guy does (blank)?’ question

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Normal behavior? Irrelevant. How it feels? Priceless.

Dear Megan,

Hi.  So, I met a guy online, and from then on we’ve talked constantly through text. We have good conversations every day and night.  Even when he is out drinking with friends on a Friday night, he will text and ask how I am doing. He is a very romantic guy. We share the same goals and values, and we have many interests in common. 

Thing is, we haven’t met in person yet and he already said that he loves me and cannot stop thinking about me. He said his parents would also love me, and he texts about wanting to start a family with me, and we talk about kids and babies.

Do you think I should believe that he loves me even though we haven’t even met? Is that even possible? Is this normal?

He said we can skip the coffee dates because we know each other a lot, and on our first date this Sunday we will hold hands and he will kiss me.  Do you think he wants something else? Is a first date kiss normal? He said he never kisses anyone on the first date, but he will with me.

Also, do you think that if a guy drinks 2-3 beers every week it’s normal?  Please advise. 

Thank you very much,

-Future Mrs. Normal

 


Dear “Future Mrs. Normal,”

 

I’m just going to make this as simple as possible, and ask you to repeat after me:

 

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

 

Sure, I can give you my take on this wolf’s behavior.  And you can go get another analysis from someone else, and another from someone else, (because at the end of the day normal is a subjective myth).  But in reality, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY YOU FEEL.

Whether it’s waiting years to say I love you/get married/have sex/etc, or waiting days, for every healthy relationship I’ve seen, I’ve seen a similarly healthy couple who’s done the exact opposite with equally satisfying results.  No one’s normal, but everyone’s crazy; so your goal in dating is really to just find someone whose crazy matches your crazy.  And to do that you’ve got to learn to trust yourself.

Putting up with stuff you’re not comfortable with because others tell you it’s “normal,” or even “romantic,” is a surefire way to end up in a relationship that might be good for someone else, but not you.  Stick to your gut, and if a guy you just started talking to says or does stuff that weirds you out, don’t put up with it just because someone else would be cool with it.

If you’re in sync on the big issues, like you say, you may want to first talk to him about whatever he’s saying/doing that isn’t sitting well with you.  And if he’s willing to adjust his behavior so that you feel comfortable and safe, cool.  Proceed slowly because you just got a yellow light from a red.

If, however, he’s saying/doing stuff that you’re constantly scratching your head over, take that as a sign of incompatibility and hold out for a guy whose behavior you feel comfortable and safe with.

Your path to happiness is tailor fit for you, and your emotions are your guide.  Trust that deep down you know what’s best for you, (even if on the surface you feel you don’t), and have the courage to act of exclusively from your gut.

Keeping it 100% real, in a world full of so much noise, trusting your gut will most likely be a lesson you’ll only fully get after tons of practice, (like the rest of us – wamp, wamp), but hopefully remembering that NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY YOU FEEL will cut your learning curve in half.

Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.