Author: tashacaufield

Should I move on, or try and message him again?

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Dear Megan,

Hoping you have some good advice for me.  About a month ago I met a guy on a trip and we had a super-strong connection.  Three days after meeting he even said he loved me, and we starting talking about ways for him to move closer to me.

Here’s the problem.  On our trip we talked every day, but when I returned home two weeks ago I texted him and he just said he was really tired from work, (he’s a doctor), and would text me tomorrow.  I haven’t heard from him yet, but he did like a photo I posted on Instagram last week.

Should I try messaging him again?  I can’t get him out of my mind!!! He was perfect.  I would really like to go back and visit him to rekindle what we had.  What do you think I should do?

-Dazed and Confused

 

Dear “Dazed and Confused,”

Ahh…  Is there anything more romantic than falling in love on vacation?… Well, maybe a returned text, right? Lol…  In the age of ghosting I see this question a lot, but since everyone’s particular situation is different, (or at least feels that way), I’m happy to address the whole “should I keep trying” issue…  Again 😉

One of my favorite teachers once said, “Struggle to get, struggle to keep,” and I offer that as a reminder to anyone embarking on a new relationship that’s starting off rocky.  For the most part, if you want a relationship where both people are on the same page, coming together should be harmonious and mutually satisfying, with “issues” arising later when the relationship eventually asks one or both parties to step outside of their comfort zone and grow.  If you want one full of confusion and miscommunication, well, starting off with cat and mouse games should do the trick.

So it depends on what you want.  A lot of times we get so used to feeling bad that we put up with unnecessary drama, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

However, since you’re talking to me, I assume you already know that.  You’ve first learned to care about how you feel, and therefore want a relationship that feels good.  So in my usual direct fashion, here are my two cents:

When the ball is in a romantic interest’s court to contact you, and they don’t, it means that they’re (1) just not that into you, (2) unreliable, and (3) in cases where they previously expressed a lot of interest, confused about what they want.

And why would you not only match up with, but pursue someone who’s shown you that they’re just not that into you, unreliable, and confused about what they want?  (Oy.  Brace yourself for a not-so-easy-to-hear truth, my friend.)  Because they’re mirroring back to you how you feel about yourself.  In at least some way you’re (1) just not that into you, (2) unreliable when it comes to consistently putting your feelings first, and (3) confused about what you deserve. 

So what should you do?  

Work on raising your self-esteem, (at least a teeny weeny bit), so that you’re attracted to people who are just that into you, reliable, and clear on what they want because you’re clear on what you deserve.

Now, there will always be people who shower all sorts of love and attention on others then ghost, and there’s nothing wrong with having met and liked someone who’s done that.  Heck, you may even have, or will have, done that at one time or another.  However, if you want to be in a good relationship, one that’s not full of “struggle to keep,” you’ll have to give yourself enough time to get to know whether or not the other person you like is not only up for, but capable of, sustaining a loving relationship – and that discipline to wait-and-see before going all-in requires a certain amount of self-esteem.

Alright, now, cultivating the self-esteem you need to get the relationship of your dreams is a three-step process.  And step one, lucky you, will happen on its own.  In step one you simply “burn out” of the emotionally unavailable, inconsistent “bad boys,” (or “bad girls”), you’ve been dating.

Here you’ll just continue to date people who ultimately don’t really treat you all that great until you get fed up with it and flat out no longer like or pursue them.  Sounds horrible, I know.  But don’t worry, there’s actually some fun to be had in this step as there will be moments you’re insanely goo-goo ga-ga over a wolf.

So go ahead and text that person you just can’t get out of your head.  Get all excited when they finally drop you a crumb of a text days after you contacted them, or like a pic on your social media page.  Get confused and heartbroken as many times as it takes for you to no longer be able to stomach people who don’t treat you the way you deserve.  Eventually you’ll tire of it and be ready to move on to something more consistent and better.

Introduce step two.  Step two is where you step into action.  Here you’ll create strong boundaries and standards for yourself that dictate what you will entertain and what you absolutely won’t.  Last minute booty calls?  No, thanks.  Asking you out on a proper date, showing up on time, and consistently expressing a real interest in getting to know you?  Yes, please.

Now – side note – how do you know you deserve all this “better” treatment?  Well, because it’ll feel better than shitty treatment.  And despite what other people in your life might have conditioned you to believe, what you feel deep down is ultimately your truth.

Alright, back to the steps.  In step two you also allow yourself to be vulnerable with those who do meet your standards.  After all, with the emotionally available people you were linking up with in the past there were walls up that prevented you from ever really having to “go there.”  But to be a match to real love, you’ll have to open yourself up to real hurt.  So when you do meet someone who shows you that they can be trusted to support you in all your glorious vulnerability, you do just that – become vulnerable.

And, finally, step three is where you trust your instincts.  Your boundaries and standards aren’t there to get you to be with someone you think you should be with just because they aren’t a douche, or something basic like that.  They’re there to remind you to trust your instincts, which always wanted you to be with someone who treated you well.

Being with someone you both like and who meets your standards will feel good.  Someone who doesn’t will quickly feel bad, which is your signal to listen to your gut and jump ship.  After all, relationships aren’t just about learning how to live happily ever after with someone else, they’re about learning how to live happily ever after with you.

With relationships you get a mirror for how you feel about yourself and how you love yourself.  And if you don’t like what you see reflecting back at you, (i.e. what you’re getting back from others), keep reimagining yourself until you do. 

So, don’t chase. Wait.

Wait for you to consistently adore yourself so much that you can’t help but attract others who do the same.  And when you do meet the person who is perfect for you, like I said in “The Care and Feeding in Sex Symbols,” you’ll receive a “Hell Yes!” to proceed in mind, body, and spirit.  Anything other than that, (aka doubts), are for the blogs.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

What She Knows for Sure: Damn Good Advice on Life From a 90-Year Old Grandma

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Oh, if only grandma had said that… If only grandma had said that 😅

*UPDATE: CLICK HERER FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ARTICLE*

 

Well, it’s that time again…  That time when I get so busy doing other stuff in life that I skimp out on answering a question and in its place give you all something way better than any advice I could ever give: Advice from someone who knows WAAAAAYYYYYYY more than me.

Friends, if ever there was solid advice to be found on the internet it is in Marc Chernoff’s “19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday.”  It is pure fire.

While most of grandma’s advice requires a shift in mentality, (e.g. many people live their entire lives on the default settings, never realizing that they can customize everything), as someone who began making those shifts years ago I promise you that it’s worth it.

Additionally, most of the advice goes against mainstream ideas, (e.g. “sensitivity is a super power,” and “most of the time you don’t need more to be happier – you need less”), but as Thoreau once said, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” so to even have a shot at a good life, accepting that you’ll have to embrace a mentality that looks quite different from those around you comes with the territory.

Sure, this advice may be setting you up for an extra heaping of alienation at times – (okay, it totally is.  I mean, who are we kidding, marching to the beat of your own drum means others will not always hear your music.  [And don’t forget we went over trade-offs in “The Dirty Little Secret to Living the Life of Your Dreams…”])  But if you (1) prioritize how you feel, and (2) accept the fact that it’s more important for you to get you than for others to get you, you’ll be alright with it in the end.

So, go ahead and listen to grandma.  And, like everything else, take what resonates and leave what doesn’t.  And for those of you sex symbols who can use it, may her grandmotherly advice give you any guidance, reassurance, and courage you need to continue to blaze your own path.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

Click here for “19 Great Truths My Grandmother Told Me on Her 90th Birthday”

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

How do I politely back out of a first date?

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If the date you agreed to makes you feel like this, it’s time to pass.

Dear Megan,

I’m hoping you can help me with some advice on how to politely back out of meeting someone in person.

I had been talking to this guy through online dating for a couple of weeks. As we’d been talking, I picked up on some minor red flags, but generally, he was pleasant to talk with, so I tried to disregard them. However, during our last couple of messages, I’ve gotten an increasingly unsettled feeling, even though there’s no one specific thing I can point to as the cause. It’s just a vibe, I guess.

In a recent message, he asked if I’d like to meet in person, and I said sure, but I told him I had a few more questions first. I asked my questions. He dodged one of them, and I don’t know… I just feel like my gut is telling me not to meet this guy. But I also feel like I’ve already agreed to meet him, so I don’t know how to politely back out. I know pretty much any reason I give will seem lame or insincere. And yet the idea of meeting him is stressing me out.  Please help!

-The Anti-Casper

 

Dear “The Anti-Casper,”

Ugh, I totally feel your pain.  And in the spirit of a Tony Robbins seminar can I just say, “If anyone else has ever been in her shoes say ‘Aye!’”  Lol…  Dating can be plagued with doubt, and sometimes, before you know it, you find yourself in over your head.  But kudos to you for not ghosting, (which is why I call you “The Anti-Casper”).  Many would have, so mad props to you for not wanting to leave this guy hanging, especially after a couple weeks of communication.

Now, while it’s no secret that I expound on the “If it’s not a ‘Hell yes!’ it’s a ‘Hell no!’” philosophy in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” there are times when you should proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on.  Sometimes you’re just so out of practice in following your gut that you confuse the uncomfortable feeling associated with breaking out of your comfort zone with a “Hell no!” and delay your opportunity to meet someone you actually might be compatible with.

But, rest assured, this is not one of those cases.

You should proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on when going on it still feels right.  

And by “right” I’m not referring to the relief associated with appeasing a false sense of obligation – because all you owe yourself and anyone else is your authenticity.  I’m referring to the peaceful feeling you get when you allow yourself to get still long enough to listen to your gut and it consistently tells you in a still, quiet voice to “go ‘head.”  Even in the face of hesitation, there should still be a lightness around the meeting, an easy-going hint of curiosity surrounding the wolf that feels harmless.

You shouldn’t proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on when you feel, well, everything you described. Like, “stressed out.”

Regardless of your inability to point out exactly what makes meeting him feel uneasy, when dread, frustration, sadness, etc, consume you to the point where you want to fake your own death, abandon your bra, and go live amongst a pygmy tribe in Africa every time you think about the date, it’s time to shoot him one of these:

“Hey __,

Thanks for taking the time to get to know me better over the last couple of weeks.  I really appreciate it.  However, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re not a match, so I’m going to have to cancel our upcoming date.  Sorry for the inconvenience, and I wish you the best of luck.  xoxo!”

(Well, you can omit the XOXOs if you want, that’s just my style, lol.)

Remember, your feelings are there to guide you in a sort of “colder-warmer-hotter” game to all of your heart’s desires.  And any feeling of strong negative emotion is your signal that this is definitely not the right direction for you. So listen.  And keep learning to trust your gut.  The more you do it the better you’ll get at it, and before you know it a “Hell yes!” will be knocking on your door.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

What’s the point of a relationship?

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Dear Megan,

So please answer this. We want to be in a relationship with someone we can depend on, but we aren’t supposed to depend on others emotionally.  So what’s the point of even being with anyone? Seems like a catch 22.

-Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Needy

 

Dear “Needy” lol,

Hey, great question!  Thanks for writing! The answer is: sex.  Thanks, again!

Lol, just kidding…  Well, not really.  But I’m assuming you want a westernized, post-romantic era answer, so that, my friend, is what you will get ;)… (Oh, and since we’re dealing with romantic relationships here, I won’t go into those of the family/friend/co-worker/etc. variety, but I’m sure some of this stuff will still apply to them, too).

To begin with, let me just say that there was a time when I related to your confusion/frustration over relationships.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I even share the moment where I (metaphorically) shook my fist up at the sky and cursed the heavens for my seemingly unshakable desire for unconditional love with a rock-solid companion that seemed to prefer playing hide-and-seek with me.  So, yeah, you’ve definitely come to the right place.

And to answer your question, “What is the point of a relationship?” well, the answer is pretty much two-fold.  We enter relationships: (1) to enhance what we already have, and (2) to grow. 

Lemme explain. 

Dependability is a wonderful, feel-goody quality – (and since you’ve undoubtedly experienced what a lack of it in another feels like I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sell you on that trait) – hence why we desire it so much in a mate.  However, we were never meant to become dependent on others for anything we can give ourselves.

People are fickle.  And I say that not in a bitter “trust no one” tone, but in a “people got their own sh*t going on and therefore can’t be stable enough to meet your needs consistently” one.   Fortunately, we were all born with the ability to tap into whatever emotional reserves we need to buoy ourselves up at any given time, so we don’t need to depend on another for (emotional) oxygen when we have our own supply. (And while it might take some of us a while to find our own supply, trust me, it’s there.)

Does that make relationships useless?  Not really.

While I admit that relationships aren’t necessary for a happy and fulfilling life – (recall that I believe that nothing outside of yourself can make you happy) – nor do you need relationships for getting through tough times, observing and interacting with others in a harmonious and loving way just flat-out feels good.  And since loving and supporting yourself feels good, and others doing it to/with you feels good, you end up with an orgy of feel-goods!  Or, more academically speaking, we invite relationships into our life to compound good feelings. We just love the cherry-on-top fun, love, and support they can bring.

Less enthusiastically, we also get into relationships as a vehicle for growth.  When we open ourselves up emotionally to another, they’re then able to trigger things deep down inside of us that we subconsciously want to heal or change for further expansion/growth.  That’s why a “soulmate” can bring you both great joy, and great misery.  Facing stuff inside of you that you don’t like and want to change can range from feeling slightly uncomfortable to downright painful.  Nonetheless, that person’s ability to “get to you” is why you entered into a relationship with them.  Whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not.  (Sorry, lol.)

So, there you have it, “Needy.”  The point of a relationship is to magnify whatever you got goin’ on at the time.  Whether you want to compound the awesomeness you’re experiencing, the support you need, and/or just become aware of something undesirable inside of you, “there’s a significant other for that.”

Just make sure that your “want” for a relationship doesn’t turn into a “need” if you want to reap the full benefits of all the wonderful stuff relationships have to offer. Otherwise you’ll keep finding yourself stuck in Oz, when, like Dorothy, you have the power to get yourself home all along.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

‘If Only He Weren’t (Blank), He’d Be Perfect…’ Overcoming the Myth of ‘The Perfect Person’

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Ahhh… The blissful moments before you said, “So tell me about yourself.”

Alright sexy gals, (and the wolves who adore them ;)),

So, I’m going to bypass answering a question this week because I came across an article that is just too good to not share it with you guys.

When looking at a lot of the relationship problems many of you have, I’ve noticed that oftentimes a relationship fails not because the two people involved don’t feel a love connection that also challenges them in all the right ways, but because at least one of the persons involved is “ensnared by the vision of a perfect person,” (as the article I’m about to share with you puts it).

To be clear, I believe that the four “must haves” – (as laid out by one of my favorite counselors) – in a relationship are:

CHEMISTRY

SAFETY

INTELLECTUAL CONNECTION

and

LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER

And the way you can tell if you’re ensnared by your vision of the perfect person is if you find yourself saying or thinking things like, “If only he/she weren’t (blank), he/she would be perfect,” and that “blank” goes beyond the four must-haves.

As some of you may recall, in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I went to great lengths, and bared all, (hashtag blushing!), so that those of you who struggle with finding real love can get the support you need in cultivating it within yourself, and then with another.  After all, love is about what you can give, not get, and you can’t give what you don’t have.

It all starts there.

And now I’m happy to share with you guys yet another barrier that can prevent you from realizing the loving relationship you seek.  And guess what?  It’s masked by our fantasies of a perfect person.

This article not only gives us the real skinny on our dreams of meeting the perfect person, but it completely destroys that dream due to its basis in a myth.  My hope is that once “woke” you will be free to create the type of dream that will allow you to experience a loving relationship in real life, haha; and release any expectations, (aka “potential premediated resentments”), that would have prevented you from continuously nurturing said loving relationship once you found it.

So now, without further ado, I give you Charles Chu’s “The Myth of the ‘Perfect Person.'”

May it provide you with any additional wisdom and courage you need to go forth and create perfect love with an imperfect person.

-Megan 🙂

“The Myth of the ‘Perfect Person'” Article

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

My boyfriend cheated on me… Now what?

tashacaufield1 Comment
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After you post bail, read article 😉

Dear Megan,

I recently found out my boyfriend cheated.  What should I do?

-If Loving Him is Wrong…  I Actually Wanna be Right

 

Dear “If Loving Him is Wrong…  I Actually Wanna be Right,”

Welp, since a straightforward question deserves a straightforward answer let’s get to it then, shall we?

So, you just found out you got an #AntiRelationshipGoals situation on your hands, and you’re wondering what you should do about it.  Well:

First, allow yourself to feel whatever range of emotions sweep over you, and for however long you need to – (and feel free to get some exercise a la this article’s supporting GIF if you need to, as well, lol).

Once you’re in a more stable mental place, start thanking God for this moment of clarity.  (And the fact that not being married means you don’t have to factor in lawyers and loads more paperwork into your decision-making process).  At this moment you are presented with not only the opportunity to get super clear on what you want, so you can get what you want, but the chance to send a strong message to your psyche that reminds you of what you deserve.  I encourage you to seize this moment and do so.

As soon as possible, and for the weeks following, I recommend that you take control of your creative power, ignore the opinions of others – including your boyfriend’s – and focus exclusively on what you want a relationship to feel like.  Why? Because when you focus exclusively on the way you want your relationship to feel, you’ll get so in tune with the relationship of your dreams that you’ll be inspired to make choices that support the creation of it.

Ignore what’s already transpired, as it’s already been done, and take time to just sit and marinate in the feelings that you envision yourself having in your dream relationship. Don’t focus on things you want to do or have with another person, but rather on how you want to feel within a relationship. Writing those feelings down will help, too.

From there, every time you’ll have to make a decision regarding your relationship, the choice that feels good will be in alignment with your dream and get you closer to it, and the choice that feels bad won’t.  And that will be your guiding principle – the thing that will get you your dream relationship.  The thing that will allow you to finally achieve your #RelationshipGoals.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And for more help on getting your head to work with your heart check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”

…And for help on creating a “cheat-proof relationship” moving forward check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

To get a boob job, or not get a boob job? That is the question.

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boob smash
Unfortunately, the decision to get implants is more about how you feel than your ability to smash bricks with them

Dear Megan,

Hi, I need your advice on implants. 

A long time ago I got implants, which worked out great for many years until one day one ruptured and slowly deflated. My doctor told me to get it replaced or my sex life would be over, and true enough I have not had one intimate relationship since. All I’ve done is work, buy a house, raise my kids etc., and it’s been over 15 years. I was simply too embarrassed to imagine a man’s reaction to my… “situation,” but now I want to find someone to be in my life.

Anyway, I can afford to get new implants now, but I’m 64. Is that too old or ridiculous? What do you think? I’m still very attractive and I don’t want to be single for the next 15 years. I’d feel a lot sexier if I had some boobs.

Thanks,

– Trying to Get Out of Kansas Because Everything Here Is Flat

 

Dear “Trying to Get Out of Kansas Because Everything Here Is Flat,”

You know what?  I’m going to put aside any boob jokes, (minus the nickname I gave you), and get straight to doing what I do best – teaching ya’ll ladies how to fish – because whenever you’re faced with a decision about your life and your body, and you’re asking someone else what you should do with it?  Well, just know that you’re wandering down the wrong path and will end up somewhere in the ditches before you know it.

Since the goal behind any decision is to make the choice that will feel good, (or better than the other choice), the only way you can make the right decision here is to focus on what feels good to you.

To be clear, whoever you attract in your life just echoes how you feel about yourself deep down.  So, if you’re unhappy with your looks you’re going to attract someone who feeds that insecurity.  And if you’re happy with your looks, you’ll attract a wolf who, well, could give two sh*ts about your “situation.”

And while I agree that a boob job is one of many ways to get “happy with your looks,” the decision to get your titties done, believe it or not, still comes down to the classic, “You only ever have one choice: between love and fear” maxim.  Do you want to get implants because you think having them will make you feel good?  Or because you’re afraid you’ll be alone if you don’t.

If you haven’t gotten “still” long enough to listen to yourself, and have allowed outside influences to drown out your inner voice, chances are that the answer to even that question is murky.  So right now the clarity/answer you’re looking for can only be found when you stop listening to what others tell you you should do with your body, and get still long enough to hear your inner voice’s answer in the form of an impulse, (you’ll most likely receive it upon waking one morning, but it can come any time).

And for further guidance, as my favorite teacher, Abraham Hicks, puts it, “If the impulse comes from a joyous thought that feels good, follow it. If the impulse comes from an uncomfortable thought that felt bad, don’t follow it.”   

However, if you’re like most people and feel that you “ain’t got time for all that inner-searching, woo-woo stuff,” (i.e. just want me to give you the fish), well, since you end your email with “I’d feel a lot sexier if I had some boobs,” go get yourself some titties, girl.  Just know that until you take the time to harmonize with what’s on your inside, not only can no one else, but any peace you find, like them soon-to-be spectacular jugs on your chest, will be temporary.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How to create a cheat-proof relationship

tashacaufield6 Comments

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“Monogamy is a practice…  It’s a choice…  You don’t FIND your partner, you CHOOSE your partner…  If you think you’re going to find somebody who is the person who will make you stop looking… No, it doesn’t work that way.  At some point your inner rumblings will start up again.  You just have to say, ‘This is it.  This is where I decide to put my roots in this moment and I’m going to try to deepen them.’  We are all living with a paradox of choice, but we can’t commodify a partner, we can’t beta-test a partner.”

-Esther Perel 

Alright guys and dolls,

Since my most-viewed articles are consistently, (like every day), the ones that pertain to cheating – whether it’s questions I’ve answered from those tempted to cheat, the cheated on, the sorta-cheated on, the side-chick, or those just curious as to whether certain porn even counts as cheating – in this special edition of “Dear Megan” I’m attempting to put myself out of business and share with you all what I’ve learned about creating a relationship where cheating is, well, in the famous words of reality show diva Evelyn Lozada “a non-motherf*ckin’ factor.”

Much like with “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship,” I’m bringing in the big guns – (I mean, how much can I know at this age, lol) – and connecting you all to the work of Esther Perel, an expert on infidelity and successful relationships.  In this 14:19 clip you’ll learn things like –

The causes of cheating:

Often, when you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn’t just because you want to leave the person you are with, you want to leave the person that you yourself have become.  It isn’t just that you want to meet somebody else, but you want to meet another self.  There is no greater “other” than a different version of yourself.

How not to get betrayed in a relationship:

Since a loving relationship is about what you can give, not get, each person should consistently ask him or herself, “What is it that I do to make my partner feel that they are special.  That they are the one I still choose every morning that I wake up.  The one that I want to be there the next morning, and the next morning…  How do I manifest my love and appreciation and admiration for my partner? (And for help on doing things that YOUR partner receives as love I highly recommend “The Five Love Languages.”)

Furthermore, ask yourself if you’ve shown up.  When you get home at night are you the vibrant, funny, alive, person you are with your friends and colleagues?  Or is your partner getting your leftovers?

And, finally, Perel goes into how to create a new cheat-proof relationship with someone who’s already cheated on you:

Most of us are going to have two or three marriages or adult relationships, and some of us will do it with the same person.  And so while an affair may mean the death of a first marriage or current relationship, one partner can ask the other if they would like to have another one together.  (Note: This second relationship has a higher chance of working out when the infidelity was not the final nail in the coffin of an already dead relationship, but instead an act that served as a wake-up call. For more on that I recommend checking out Perel’s more in-depth interviews on cheating like this one.)

Hope this helps some of ya’ll, and I’ll be back next time to tackle more of your questions!

-Megan 🙂

P.S.  If this video is ever disabled, just type “This is how you stop your partner from cheating – Esther Perel – Skavlan” into YouTube until it is brought to my attention.

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

How long should I wait to take a girl to a fast food restaurant?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment
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Also how a girl feels when she agrees to go out on another date with a guy and he pulls into a fast food restaurant

Dear Megan,

For our second date, I’m taking this girl out again to eat and then go ice skating this weekend. Really looking forward to it. I was kinda thinking something quick and not too filling, like Zaxbys… But, I don’t know if fast food should be avoided on the first few dates, even if you plan on doing something else afterwards. I definitely wouldn’t take a date to fast food if dinner was the only thing we were doing. I don’t have anything against going somewhere nicer, but it would take longer, and I’d need to pick her up earlier as the ice skating place has a 2-hour window that evening.  Is it too early to take her to a fast food restaurant?

-Rhymes with Donald McRonald

 

Dear “Rhymes with Donald McRonald,”

Who woulda thunk?  Girls want to know how long they should wait before having sex, and guys want to know how long they should wait before they can take a girl through the drive-thru already, lol…  Good gawd… Well, despite not wanting to encourage “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” to be taken that literally, given that it’s close to Valentine’s Day I figure I better answer this question to save you, (and potentially any other wolves out there who like girls of the, er, “higher maintenance” variety), some heartache.  So, here’s my two cents.

Yes, it’s WAY too early for fast food.  I wouldn’t encourage taking a not-easily-impressed girl to a fast food restaurant until she’s your girl, and even then you may want to wait until she suggests it, (which might take a couple of hints, like “I don’t know what we should eat, I’m thinking something fast…  what type of food is fast…”)

Personally, I’ve never met a girl who didn’t like getting swept off her feet.  And since you’re still in the wooing stage, if you think she has the potential to become something special in your life, you’ll want to treat her as such.  And sadly, no matter how good chicken nuggets are, to a girl who just spent the last hour or more on her hair and make-up in an effort to look pretty for you, there’s nothing special about having mystery meat unwrapped in front of her and essentially being told to hurry up.

So, what do you do when you’ve got limited time but still want to impress?  You get creative.  Us girls are suckers for picnics, so before you pick her up I suggest grabbing her favorite sandwich, pizza, Mexican/Chinese/Thai food, etc., two candles, a blanket or tablecloth, some vino if you’re of age, and taking her to a nearby beach, park, river, lake, or place with a fantastic view.

If you’re like a lot of guys and feel that’s too much work, ice cream and a stroll before ice skating, followed by a nice dinner should also work.  If you live in a cold weather place, stopping for hot cocoa and a pastry, (a la “Let’s do dessert first!”), is a good substitute for the ice cream and a stroll segment of the date.

If, for whatever reason, you don’t think you have time for any nicer-than-fast-food dining options, I recommend putting off the ice skating idea until a later date and just going to a nice restaurant.  Unless, of course, she’s big into ice skating and just recovered from an injury that left her itching to get back out on the ice.  In that rare case, just let her know you have something special planned but since you guys won’t have time for dinner she should eat beforehand.

The key here is to find ways for the two of you to connect and get to know each other in a unique and romantic way, unless you’re cool with the friend zone.  So, make sure that whatever you do not only reflects your desire for something special, but the amount of thought that you’re obviously putting into it.  Because contrary to popular belief it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the thoughts she can see that do.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Do nice guys finish last?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment
giphy-140
When you think a girl should like you just because you’re a “nice guy,” trust me, you have an agenda.

Dear Megan,

I’m just about ready to give up on dating, and here’s why.  When I’m interested in a girl and develop a crush on her, it’s usually due to having gotten to know her and interacted with her. Not deep enough to become friends, but enough so that I develop a sense of her personality, what kind of person she is, and how she treats and interacts with other people. Yes, I’m also attracted to her looks. Yes, I desire her sexually. I’m not some white knight who is trying to protect her from the bad boys who want to get her into bed with them. I wouldn’t mind getting her into my bed, too.

But what if I also respect her as a person and I like being kind to her? What if I want to say nice things to her or even help her out in some things with no strings attached, simply because I want to? Why is being a nice guy regarded as a criminal act now? There’s so much dating advice out there telling guys to be more “alpha” and to stop being the nice guy who gets victimized by women.

Am I a loser nice guy whose gonna die alone? Do I have to be mean and play head games with girls I’m attracted to because being a nice guy is now the equivalent of being a loser? If I’m a nice guy with no agenda, will I still to “finish last?”

Thanks,

-Mr. Nice Guy

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Mr. Nice Guy,”

If only I had a nickel…  Alright, I’m gonna do something different and start off by first asking you a question, “Mr. Nice Guy.”  What else are you besides “nice?”  Because – and I hate to say it, my friend – right now you’re coming across as “nice and shallow…”  Singling out one positive attribute and thinking that should be enough to “get the girl” is as shallow as thinking that having lots of money, or being physically attractive should be enough, and, quite frankly, no one thing is.

Dating isn’t easy for anyone, but the unsuccessful-at-getting-the-girl, self-proclaimed “nice guys” who do “finish last” – yes, some do – do so NOT because they’re nice, but because: (1) they’re blind to, or choose to ignore, a much larger issue that makes them unattractive to the girls they like, (which often includes thinking that nice behavior should be enough); and (2) they chase girls they’re not compatible with.

For the record, I don’t think being a nice guy and being an alpha male are mutually exclusive.  But in your scenario, the difference between a consistently unsuccessful-at-getting-the-girl “nice guy,” and a successful-at-getting-her “alpha” is that the alpha is less focused on “just being nice” and more focused on mutual chemistry.  The self-proclaimed “nice guy,” on the other hand, pursues the girl he wants regardless of what she actually wants/is attracted to, which is why he keeps coming up short.

So, “Mr. Nice Guy,” what else are you?  What else about you might a specific girl you like find attractive?  Are you nice and sexy?  (If she likes that.)  Nice, fun, and reliable? (If she likes that.) Do you share her values?  Do you remind her of her father if she’s attracted to men like her father?…

If you don’t want to be a nice guy who finishes last, the key is to focus on courting girls who are attracted to all the other things you are in addition to being nice.

Now, to answer your question, “Are you destined to finish last?”  Not necessarily.  But if you do, let’s hope it’s in the good way ;).  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.