How do I politely back out of a first date?

 

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If the date you agreed to makes you feel like this, it’s time to pass.

Dear Megan,

I’m hoping you can help me with some advice on how to politely back out of meeting someone in person.

I had been talking to this guy through online dating for a couple of weeks. As we’d been talking, I picked up on some minor red flags, but generally, he was pleasant to talk with, so I tried to disregard them. However, during our last couple of messages, I’ve gotten an increasingly unsettled feeling, even though there’s no one specific thing I can point to as the cause. It’s just a vibe, I guess.

In a recent message, he asked if I’d like to meet in person, and I said sure, but I told him I had a few more questions first. I asked my questions. He dodged one of them, and I don’t know… I just feel like my gut is telling me not to meet this guy. But I also feel like I’ve already agreed to meet him, so I don’t know how to politely back out. I know pretty much any reason I give will seem lame or insincere. And yet the idea of meeting him is stressing me out.  Please help!

-The Anti-Casper

 


Dear “The Anti-Casper,”

Ugh, I totally feel your pain.  And in the spirit of a Tony Robbins seminar can I just say, “If anyone else has ever been in her shoes say ‘Aye!’”  Lol…  Dating can be plagued with doubt, and sometimes, before you know it, you find yourself in over your head.  But kudos to you for not ghosting, (which is why I call you “The Anti-Casper”).  Many would have, so mad props to you for not wanting to leave this guy hanging, especially after a couple weeks of communication.

Now, while it’s no secret that I expound on the “If it’s not a ‘Hell yes!’ it’s a ‘Hell no!’” philosophy in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” there are times when you should proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on.  Sometimes you’re just so out of practice in following your gut that you confuse the uncomfortable feeling associated with breaking out of your comfort zone with a “Hell no!” and delay your opportunity to meet someone you actually might be compatible with.

But, rest assured, this is not one of those cases.

You should proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on when going on it still feels right.  

And by “right” I’m not referring to the relief associated with appeasing a false sense of obligation – because all you owe yourself and anyone else is your authenticity.  I’m referring to the peaceful feeling you get when you allow yourself to get still long enough to listen to your gut and it consistently tells you in a still, quiet voice to “go ‘head.”  Even in the face of hesitation, there should still be a lightness around the meeting, an easy-going hint of curiosity surrounding the wolf that feels harmless.

You shouldn’t proceed with a date you’re hesitant to go on when you feel, well, everything you described. Like, “stressed out.”

Regardless of your inability to point out exactly what makes meeting him feel uneasy, when dread, frustration, sadness, etc, consume you to the point where you want to fake your own death, abandon your bra, and go live amongst a pygmy tribe in Africa every time you think about the date, it’s time to shoot him one of these:

“Hey __,

Thanks for taking the time to get to know me better over the last couple of weeks.  I really appreciate it.  However, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re not a match, so I’m going to have to cancel our upcoming date.  Sorry for the inconvenience, and I wish you the best of luck.  xoxo!”

(Well, you can omit the XOXOs if you want, that’s just my style, lol.)

Remember, your feelings are there to guide you in a sort of “colder-warmer-hotter” game to all of your heart’s desires.  And any feeling of strong negative emotion is your signal that this is definitely not the right direction for you. So listen.  And keep learning to trust your gut.  The more you do it the better you’ll get at it, and before you know it a “Hell yes!” will be knocking on your door.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

What’s the point of a relationship?

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Dear Megan,

So please answer this. We want to be in a relationship with someone we can depend on, but we aren’t supposed to depend on others emotionally.  So what’s the point of even being with anyone? Seems like a catch 22.

-Call Me Anything, But Don’t Call Me Needy

 


Dear “Needy” lol,

Hey, great question!  Thanks for writing! The answer is: sex.  Thanks, again!

Lol, just kidding…  Well, not really.  But I’m assuming you want a westernized, post-romantic era answer, so that, my friend, is what you will get ;)… (Oh, and since we’re dealing with romantic relationships here, I won’t go into those of the family/friend/co-worker/etc. variety, but I’m sure some of this stuff will still apply to them, too).

To begin with, let me just say that there was a time when I related to your confusion/frustration over relationships.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I even share the moment where I (metaphorically) shook my fist up at the sky and cursed the heavens for my seemingly unshakable desire for unconditional love with a rock-solid companion that seemed to prefer playing hide-and-seek with me.  So, yeah, you’ve definitely come to the right place.

And to answer your question, “What is the point of a relationship?” well, the answer is pretty much two-fold.  We enter relationships: (1) to enhance what we already have, and (2) to grow. 

Lemme explain. 

Dependability is a wonderful, feel-goody quality – (and since you’ve undoubtedly experienced what a lack of it in another feels like I’m pretty sure I don’t have to sell you on that trait) – hence why we desire it so much in a mate.  However, we were never meant to become dependent on others for anything we can give ourselves.

People are fickle.  And I say that not in a bitter “trust no one” tone, but in a “people got their own sh*t going on and therefore can’t be stable enough to meet your needs consistently” one.   Fortunately, we were all born with the ability to tap into whatever emotional reserves we need to buoy ourselves up at any given time, so we don’t need to depend on another for (emotional) oxygen when we have our own supply. (And while it might take some of us a while to find our own supply, trust me, it’s there.)

Does that make relationships useless?  Not really.

While I admit that relationships aren’t necessary for a happy and fulfilling life – (recall that I believe that nothing outside of yourself can make you happy) – nor do you need relationships for getting through tough times, observing and interacting with others in a harmonious and loving way just flat-out feels good.  And since loving and supporting yourself feels good, and others doing it to/with you feels good, you end up with an orgy of feel-goods!  Or, more academically speaking, we invite relationships into our life to compound good feelings. We just love the cherry-on-top fun, love, and support they can bring.

Less enthusiastically, we also get into relationships as a vehicle for growthWhen we open ourselves up emotionally to another, they’re then able to trigger things deep down inside of us that we subconsciously want to heal or change for further expansion/growth.  That’s why a “soulmate” can bring you both great joy, and great misery.  Facing stuff inside of you that you don’t like and want to change can range from feeling slightly uncomfortable to downright painful.  Nonetheless, that person’s ability to “get to you” is why you entered into a relationship with them.  Whether you know it or not, and whether you like it or not.  (Sorry, lol.)

So, there you have it, “Needy.”  The point of a relationship is to magnify whatever you got goin’ on at the time.  Whether you want to compound the awesomeness you’re experiencing, the support you need, and/or just become aware of something undesirable inside of you, “there’s a significant other for that.”

Just make sure that your “want” for a relationship doesn’t turn into a “need” if you want to reap the full benefits of all the wonderful stuff relationships have to offer. Otherwise you’ll keep finding yourself stuck in Oz, when, like Dorothy, you have the power to get yourself home all along.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

‘If Only He Weren’t (Blank), He’d Be Perfect…’ Overcoming the Myth of ‘The Perfect Person’

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Ahhh… The blissful moments before you said, “So tell me about yourself.”

Alright sexy gals, (and the wolves who adore them ;)),

So, I’m going to bypass answering a question this week because I came across an article that is just too good to not share it with you guys.

When looking at a lot of the relationship problems many of you have, I’ve noticed that oftentimes a relationship fails not because the two people involved don’t feel a love connection that also challenges them in all the right ways, but because at least one of the persons involved is “ensnared by the vision of a perfect person,” (as the article I’m about to share with you puts it).

To be clear, I believe that the four “must haves” – (as laid out by one of my favorite counselors) – in a relationship are:

CHEMISTRY

SAFETY

INTELLECTUAL CONNECTION

and

LOVE FOR ONE ANOTHER

And the way you can tell if you’re ensnared by your vision of the perfect person is if you find yourself saying or thinking things like, “If only he/she weren’t (blank), he/she would be perfect,” and that “blank” goes beyond the four must-haves.

As some of you may recall, in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I went to great lengths, and bared all, (hashtag blushing!), so that those of you who struggle with finding real love can get the support you need in cultivating it within yourself, and then with another.  After all, love is about what you can give, not get, and you can’t give what you don’t have.

It all starts there.

And now I’m happy to share with you guys yet another barrier that can prevent you from realizing the loving relationship you seek.  And guess what?  It’s masked by our fantasies of a perfect person.

This article not only gives us the real skinny on our dreams of meeting the perfect person, but it completely destroys that dream due to its basis in a myth.  My hope is that once “woke” you will be free to create the type of dream that will allow you to experience a loving relationship in real life, haha; and release any expectations, (aka “potential premediated resentments”), that would have prevented you from continuously nurturing said loving relationship once you found it.

So now, without further ado, I give you Charles Chu’s “The Myth of the ‘Perfect Person.'”

May it provide you with any additional wisdom and courage you need to go forth and create perfect love with an imperfect person.

-Megan 🙂

“The Myth of the ‘Perfect Person'” Article

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

My boyfriend cheated on me… Now what?

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After you post bail, read article 😉

Dear Megan,

I recently found out my boyfriend cheated.  What should I do?

-If Loving Him is Wrong…  I Actually Wanna be Right

 


Dear “If Loving Him is Wrong…  I Actually Wanna be Right,”

Welp, since a straightforward question deserves a straightforward answer let’s get to it then, shall we?

So, you just found out you got an #AntiRelationshipGoals situation on your hands, and you’re wondering what you should do about it.  Well:

First, allow yourself to feel whatever range of emotions sweep over you, and for however long you need to – (and feel free to get some exercise a la this article’s supporting GIF if you need to, as well, lol).

Once you’re in a more stable mental place, start thanking God for this moment of clarity.  (And the fact that not being married means you don’t have to factor in lawyers and loads more paperwork into your decision-making process).  At this moment you are presented with not only the opportunity to get super clear on what you want, so you can get what you want, but the chance to send a strong message to your psyche that reminds you of what you deserve.  I encourage you to seize this moment and do so.

As soon as possible, and for the weeks following, I recommend that you take control of your creative power, ignore the opinions of others – including your boyfriend’s – and focus exclusively on what you want a relationship to feel like.  Why? Because when you focus exclusively on the way you want your relationship to feel, you’ll get so in tune with the relationship of your dreams that you’ll be inspired to make choices that support the creation of it.

Ignore what’s already transpired, as it’s already been done, and take time to just sit and marinate in the feelings that you envision yourself having in your dream relationship. Don’t focus on things you want to do or have with another person, but rather on how you want to feel within a relationship. Writing those feelings down will help, too.

From there, every time you’ll have to make a decision regarding your relationship, the choice that feels good will be in alignment with your dream and get you closer to it, and the choice that feels bad won’t.  And that will be your guiding principle – the thing that will get you your dream relationship.  The thing that will allow you to finally achieve your #RelationshipGoals.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And for more help on getting your head to work with your heart check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”

…And for help on creating a “cheat-proof relationship” moving forward check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How to create a cheat-proof relationship

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“Monogamy is a practice…  It’s a choice…  You don’t FIND your partner, you CHOOSE your partner…  If you think you’re going to find somebody who is the person who will make you stop looking… No, it doesn’t work that way.  At some point your inner rumblings will start up again.  You just have to say, ‘This is it.  This is where I decide to put my roots in this moment and I’m going to try to deepen them.’  We are all living with a paradox of choice, but we can’t commodify a partner, we can’t beta-test a partner.”

-Esther Perel 

Alright guys and dolls,

Since my most-viewed articles are consistently, (like every day), the ones that pertain to cheating – whether it’s questions I’ve answered from those tempted to cheat, the cheated on, the sorta-cheated on, the side-chick, or those just curious as to whether certain porn even counts as cheating – in this special edition of “Dear Megan” I’m attempting to put myself out of business and share with you all what I’ve learned about creating a relationship where cheating is, well, in the famous words of reality show diva Evelyn Lozada “a non-motherf*ckin’ factor.”

Much like with “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship,” I’m bringing in the big guns – (I mean, how much can I know at this age, lol) – and connecting you all to the work of Esther Perel, an expert on infidelity and successful relationships.  In this 14:19 clip you’ll learn things like –

The causes of cheating:

Often, when you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn’t just because you want to leave the person you are with, you want to leave the person that you yourself have become.  It isn’t just that you want to meet somebody else, but you want to meet another self.  There is no greater “other” than a different version of yourself.

How not to get betrayed in a relationship:

Since a loving relationship is about what you can give, not get, each person should consistently ask him or herself, “What is it that I do to make my partner feel that they are special.  That they are the one I still choose every morning that I wake up.  The one that I want to be there the next morning, and the next morning…  How do I manifest my love and appreciation and admiration for my partner? (And for help on doing things that YOUR partner receives as love I highly recommend “The Five Love Languages.”)

Furthermore, ask yourself if you’ve shown up.  When you get home at night are you the vibrant, funny, alive, person you are with your friends and colleagues?  Or is your partner getting your leftovers?

And, finally, Perel goes into how to create a new cheat-proof relationship with someone who’s already cheated on you:

Most of us are going to have two or three marriages or adult relationships, and some of us will do it with the same person.  And so while an affair may mean the death of a first marriage or current relationship, one partner can ask the other if they would like to have another one together.  (Note: This second relationship has a higher chance of working out when the infidelity was not the final nail in the coffin of an already dead relationship, but instead an act that served as a wake-up call. For more on that I recommend checking out Perel’s more in-depth interviews on cheating like this one.)

Hope this helps some of ya’ll, and I’ll be back next time to tackle more of your questions!

-Megan 🙂

P.S.  If this video is ever disabled, just type “This is how you stop your partner from cheating – Esther Perel – Skavlan” into YouTube until it is brought to my attention.

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

How long should I wait to take a girl to a fast food restaurant?

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Also how a girl feels when she agrees to go out on another date with a guy and he pulls into a fast food restaurant

Dear Megan,

For our second date, I’m taking this girl out again to eat and then go ice skating this weekend. Really looking forward to it. I was kinda thinking something quick and not too filling, like Zaxbys… But, I don’t know if fast food should be avoided on the first few dates, even if you plan on doing something else afterwards. I definitely wouldn’t take a date to fast food if dinner was the only thing we were doing. I don’t have anything against going somewhere nicer, but it would take longer, and I’d need to pick her up earlier as the ice skating place has a 2-hour window that evening.  Is it too early to take her to a fast food restaurant?

-Rhymes with Donald McRonald

 


Dear “Rhymes with Donald McRonald,”

Who woulda thunk?  Girls want to know how long they should wait before having sex, and guys want to know how long they should wait before they can take a girl through the drive-thru already, lol…  Good gawd… Well, despite not wanting to encourage “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” to be taken that literally, given that it’s close to Valentine’s Day I figure I better answer this question to save you, (and potentially any other wolves out there who like girls of the, er, “higher maintenance” variety), some heartache.  So, here’s my two cents.

Yes, it’s WAY too early for fast food.  I wouldn’t encourage taking a not-easily-impressed girl to a fast food restaurant until she’s your girl, and even then you may want to wait until she suggests it, (which might take a couple of hints, like “I don’t know what we should eat, I’m thinking something fast…  what type of food is fast…”)

Personally, I’ve never met a girl who didn’t like getting swept off her feet.  And since you’re still in the wooing stage, if you think she has the potential to become something special in your life, you’ll want to treat her as such.  And sadly, no matter how good chicken nuggets are, to a girl who just spent the last hour or more on her hair and make-up in an effort to look pretty for you, there’s nothing special about having mystery meat unwrapped in front of her and essentially being told to hurry up.

So, what do you do when you’ve got limited time but still want to impress?  You get creative.  Us girls are suckers for picnics, so before you pick her up I suggest grabbing her favorite sandwich, pizza, Mexican/Chinese/Thai food, etc., two candles, a blanket or tablecloth, some vino if you’re of age, and taking her to a nearby beach, park, river, lake, or place with a fantastic view.

If you’re like a lot of guys and feel that’s too much work, ice cream and a stroll before ice skating, followed by a nice dinner should also work.  If you live in a cold weather place, stopping for hot cocoa and a pastry, (a la “Let’s do dessert first!”), is a good substitute for the ice cream and a stroll segment of the date.

If, for whatever reason, you don’t think you have time for any nicer-than-fast-food dining options, I recommend putting off the ice skating idea until a later date and just going to a nice restaurant.  Unless, of course, she’s big into ice skating and just recovered from an injury that left her itching to get back out on the ice.  In that rare case, just let her know you have something special planned but since you guys won’t have time for dinner she should eat beforehand.

The key here is to find ways for the two of you to connect and get to know each other in a unique and romantic way, unless you’re cool with the friend zone.  So, make sure that whatever you do not only reflects your desire for something special, but the amount of thought that you’re obviously putting into it.  Because contrary to popular belief it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the thoughts she can see that do.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Do nice guys finish last?

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When you think a girl should like you just because you’re a “nice guy,” trust me, you have an agenda.

Dear Megan,

I’m just about ready to give up on dating, and here’s why.  When I’m interested in a girl and develop a crush on her, it’s usually due to having gotten to know her and interacted with her. Not deep enough to become friends, but enough so that I develop a sense of her personality, what kind of person she is, and how she treats and interacts with other people. Yes, I’m also attracted to her looks. Yes, I desire her sexually. I’m not some white knight who is trying to protect her from the bad boys who want to get her into bed with them. I wouldn’t mind getting her into my bed, too.

But what if I also respect her as a person and I like being kind to her? What if I want to say nice things to her or even help her out in some things with no strings attached, simply because I want to? Why is being a nice guy regarded as a criminal act now? There’s so much dating advice out there telling guys to be more “alpha” and to stop being the nice guy who gets victimized by women.

Am I a loser nice guy whose gonna die alone? Do I have to be mean and play head games with girls I’m attracted to because being a nice guy is now the equivalent of being a loser? If I’m a nice guy with no agenda, will I still to “finish last?”

Thanks,

-Mr. Nice Guy

 


UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Mr. Nice Guy,”

If only I had a nickel…  Alright, I’m gonna do something different and start off by first asking you a question, “Mr. Nice Guy.”  What else are you besides “nice?”  Because – and I hate to say it, my friend – right now you’re coming across as “nice and shallow…”  Singling out one positive attribute and thinking that should be enough to “get the girl” is as shallow as thinking that having lots of money, or being physically attractive should be enough, and, quite frankly, no one thing is.

Dating isn’t easy for anyone, but the unsuccessful-at-getting-the-girl, self-proclaimed “nice guys” who do “finish last” – yes, some do – do so NOT because they’re nice, but because: (1) they’re blind to, or choose to ignore, a much larger issue that makes them unattractive to the girls they like, (which often includes thinking that nice behavior should be enough); and (2) they chase girls they’re not compatible with.

For the record, I don’t think being a nice guy and being an alpha male are mutually exclusive.  But in your scenario, the difference between a consistently unsuccessful-at-getting-the-girl “nice guy,” and a successful-at-getting-her “alpha” is that the alpha is less focused on “just being nice” and more focused on mutual chemistry.  The self-proclaimed “nice guy,” on the other hand, pursues the girl he wants regardless of what she actually wants/is attracted to, which is why he keeps coming up short.

So, “Mr. Nice Guy,” what else are you?  What else about you might a specific girl you like find attractive?  Are you nice and sexy?  (If she likes that.)  Nice, fun, and reliable? (If she likes that.) Do you share her values?  Do you remind her of her father if she’s attracted to men like her father?…

If you don’t want to be a nice guy who finishes last, the key is to focus on courting girls who are attracted to all the other things you are in addition to being nice.

Now, to answer your question, “Are you destined to finish last?”  Not necessarily.  But if you do, let’s hope it’s in the good way ;).  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

My one answer to the ‘Is it normal when a guy does (blank)?’ question

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Normal behavior? Irrelevant. How it feels? Priceless.

Dear Megan,

Hi.  So, I met a guy online, and from then on we’ve talked constantly through text. We have good conversations every day and night.  Even when he is out drinking with friends on a Friday night, he will text and ask how I am doing. He is a very romantic guy. We share the same goals and values, and we have many interests in common. 

Thing is, we haven’t met in person yet and he already said that he loves me and cannot stop thinking about me. He said his parents would also love me, and he texts about wanting to start a family with me, and we talk about kids and babies.

Do you think I should believe that he loves me even though we haven’t even met? Is that even possible? Is this normal?

He said we can skip the coffee dates because we know each other a lot, and on our first date this Sunday we will hold hands and he will kiss me.  Do you think he wants something else? Is a first date kiss normal? He said he never kisses anyone on the first date, but he will with me.

Also, do you think that if a guy drinks 2-3 beers every week it’s normal?  Please advise. 

Thank you very much,

-Future Mrs. Normal

 


Dear “Future Mrs. Normal,”

 

I’m just going to make this as simple as possible, and ask you to repeat after me:

 

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

 

Sure, I can give you my take on this wolf’s behavior.  And you can go get another analysis from someone else, and another from someone else, (because at the end of the day normal is a subjective myth).  But in reality, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY YOU FEEL.

Whether it’s waiting years to say I love you/get married/have sex/etc, or waiting days, for every healthy relationship I’ve seen, I’ve seen a similarly healthy couple who’s done the exact opposite with equally satisfying results.  No one’s normal, but everyone’s crazy; so your goal in dating is really to just find someone whose crazy matches your crazy.  And to do that you’ve got to learn to trust yourself.

Putting up with stuff you’re not comfortable with because others tell you it’s “normal,” or even “romantic,” is a surefire way to end up in a relationship that might be good for someone else, but not you.  Stick to your gut, and if a guy you just started talking to says or does stuff that weirds you out, don’t put up with it just because someone else would be cool with it.

If you’re in sync on the big issues, like you say, you may want to first talk to him about whatever he’s saying/doing that isn’t sitting well with you.  And if he’s willing to adjust his behavior so that you feel comfortable and safe, cool.  Proceed slowly because you just got a yellow light from a red.

If, however, he’s saying/doing stuff that you’re constantly scratching your head over, take that as a sign of incompatibility and hold out for a guy whose behavior you feel comfortable and safe with.

Your path to happiness is tailor fit for you, and your emotions are your guide.  Trust that deep down you know what’s best for you, (even if on the surface you feel you don’t), and have the courage to act of exclusively from your gut.

Keeping it 100% real, in a world full of so much noise, trusting your gut will most likely be a lesson you’ll only fully get after tons of practice, (like the rest of us – wamp, wamp), but hopefully remembering that NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY YOU FEEL will cut your learning curve in half.

Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

Heading to Home Depot and Lowe’s to try and meet men… Good idea?

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Dear Megan,

On a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to go to a hardware store like Lowe’s or Home Depot to meet a man?

Break it to me gently.

-Looking for the Honey in a “Honey Do List”

 


Dear “Looking for the Honey in a ‘Honey Do List,’”

Allllll right… Since I’ve previously shared hot spots for meeting select wolves, I guess I’ll be game and give you my two cents on hardwood stores. So here it is:

First off, real men go to Ace Hardware.  Lol, just kidding…  In all seriousness, don’t worry. You actually picked an understandable spot in said hardwood stores. Any woman worth her salt knows that walking into a Lowe’s or Home Depot is like stepping into a post-apocalyptic world where all the women are dead and the remaining, somehow slightly more attractive men welcome you with double takes, bright eyes, and bushy tails…  Sexual tension abounds, and you find yourself thinking, “Man, why don’t I come here more often?”

But, on a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to actually go to a Home Depot or Lowe’s to meet men? I’d give it about a 2.5.

It’s true. The place is packed with testosterone, and some of that testosterone will be single and available – (hence the points I gave it).  However, I can’t recommend the place in good conscious due to the fact that: (1) given the wide variety of men who go there, any guy who fits what you’re looking for in a man will be in the extreme minority, (2) it’s simply too hard of a place for your needle-in-a-haystack man to naturally start a conversation with you that has enough legs to ask you out, and (3) the place is boring AF. (And as far as I know, going about your business, enjoying your life, and not walking around looking “thirsty” is still the best way to meet a man.)

My suggestion? Go on a dating site and put terms like “fix things,” “working on my house,” “working with my hands,” and “handy” into the keyword search to meet your Home Depot-prowling fella.  Then, if you see someone you like, hit him up with something like, “Hey, nice profile. Any idea how to fix [your fake broken thing around your place]?” If he likes what he sees, he’ll keep the conversation going.  If not, you’ll at least have saved yourself gas money and an unnecessary application of heat to your hair.

However, if you’re tired of the online thing, I recommend either choosing something you might enjoy from this list, or something else you find fun and easy. Because while walking around being bored is not the ideal way to meet a man, walking around being fun and easy is. (Well, not easy in that way… Ugh, stupid, catchy endings that don’t work… Anyway, you know what I mean.)  Happy dating!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

To settle or not to settle? Gay/bi man on dating women. Help!

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Dear Megan,

I’m not able to find much of this on the internet as most searches direct me to gay men married to women who don’t know their husbands are gay, and my question is about gay/bi men who ultimately decide to date women again.  So hopefully you can help.

I’m gay. I find women attractive, and enjoy sex with them, but my preference is for men by far. I would like to find a man to share my life with, but since starting to come out a few years ago I’ve had a difficult time finding a guy that knocks me off my feet. I have a female friend – she’s a coworker, close friend, and we actually briefly dated- who knows I’m gay. She’s been trying to date and is having a horrible time meeting the right guy, as well. We’re both in our 30s. We’re both looking, unsuccessfully.

We’re both lonely. We share a lot of values and goals. We have a lot in common as far as friends, lifestyle, and coworkers go. But I don’t know what kind of passionate sex would be there… Would it be crazy to entertain dating her if I’m honest with her?

I acknowledge that this could be playing with fire. I’m more curious if this is a pattern that others have observed. Lonely gay man and lonely straight female find love and companionship in each other. I don’t want to call it a marriage of convenience, but after a long conversation with her today about our trials and tribulations with dating, it crossed my mind and got me wondering…  Thoughts?

-Don’t Call Me Will Truman

 


Dear “Don’t Call Me Will Truman,”

Wowzers.  It’s not every day I get to introduce a gay man to WAG (“Will & Grace”), but I can assure you that if you binge watch the 1998-2006 revolutionary hit sitcom this weekend you’ll have your answer…  But perhaps you want a more personal response than a lazy “Now, remember kids, what did TV teach you?” one, so here it goes.

According to you, you’d like to find a man to share your life with but can’t seem to meet a wolf that knocks you off your feet.  In comes your female coworker friend.  You get along well… you’re both in the same boat… you have similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc… and now it’s got you thinking, “Maybe we should just be together…”

No, you’re not crazy to entertain the thought.  For, gay or straight, your logic has taken you to the same place everyone who gets tired of dating ends up, and it’s called the land of settling…  To settle or not to settle, that, indeed, is the question.

Interestingly, the answer to your question of settling is two-fold.  When it comes to whether or not you should pursue your female coworker friend, the answer is no.  Why?  Because you declared that you want to share your life with a man.  Period.  End of story.  Thanks for coming.  It’s been fun.  (Hey, don’t get mad at me that you let a clear desire slip from your pen and I refused to overlook it in your state of confusion…  But alright, you got me. There’s more.  After all, I did say the answer was two-fold…)

However, you are right in letting this female friend run interference in your love life.  You see, not only have you given yourself an awesome partner to help combat your loneliness and do “couple stuff” with while you wait for Mr. Right, but you’ve allowed yourself to see that you’re capable and ready to be more open in your dating criteria and, well, let’s just say, “adjust” your standards.  With that knowledge, you can then extend the criteria you used to consider settling down with this female coworker to men instead of limiting Mr. Right to someone who knocks you off your feet.

When you focus on cultivating more friendships, like the one you’ve developed with your coworker, with men, you’ll increase your chances of meeting like-minded souls with similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc., who also fit your desire to share your life with a man.  And, don’t worry, you don’t have to give up your desire to be with someone who knocks you off of your feet, just know that “knocked off your feet” moments don’t always come in the beginning.  Sometimes they come after you’ve already started to get to know someone, and sometimes they even take a couple years!  Hence the surprise.

So, do follow the criteria you have with your coworker and “settle” for a deeper connection with the man you see yourself sharing your life with when you close your eyes.  And don’t let dating fatigue discourage you from starting fresh, staying open, and enjoying the harmonious relationships you’ve cultivated in your life thus far…  At least until you’re 87.  Settle all you want then.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.