advice – Page 4 – The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols

My boyfriend cheated on me with prostitutes… Now what?

December 14, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufield5 Comments

Dear Megan,

I just found out my bf of 3 years recently had a visit to a prostitute. I was looking into his text messages and I found texts for an escort’s location, price, and availability. I was crying and stopped talking to him. Then he confessed. It was so devastating.

I have always been devoted and committed in this relationship. Throughout the relationship, he was caring, loving, and genuine. We were planning to live together, and plan on getting married.

When I confronted him, he told me he f’ed up, and was actually thinking about having kids together and planning to buy the ring two days ago. I asked him how many times he went when he was with me, he said two times.

He was totally ashamed, said he’s an awful person and a sociopath. He was crying on the phone, and said he still loves me and would see if I can forgive him and give him a chance. He said I am the nicest girlfriend he’s ever had. He promised he would not go again if I give him a chance. But he also said he will understand if I want to let it go and move on. I told him I needed time to think.

I know most people will tell me to stay away from him, but I just can’t imagine life without him. We do share the same sense of humor, and views, and the sex is good. I enjoy spending time with him.

We’ve invested 3 years together, and I would really hope that he will change into a better person. I was hoping to marry this guy and have a family together. I am worried of going through dating all over again…. I really regret that I have discovered this from checking his messages. Is it possible to give him a chance?

– The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free

Dear “The One Having Sex with My Boyfriend for Free,”

The sex better be good with all the practice he’s getting, lol… And with pros, too?! Whose game wouldn’t improve if they got to play ball with Michael Jordan on a regular basis… But, in all seriousness, it really doesn’t matter who he’s cheating on you with – we’re all women, after all. The real issue is that he’s not meeting your expectation of monogamy.

As you stated, most people would tell you to run for the hills. They’d quote Dr. Phil, (don’t judge me, ya’ll), and say, “the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.” And, on that, I tend to agree. This wolf – (and anyone who has cheated, whether it’s with a prostitute or not) – is what you’d call a “high-risk investment.” And only you know your level of risk tolerance.

What this really boils down to is knowing what you want in a man and in a relationship. (And I offer my two cents on figuring that out here.)

Your boyfriend has not only shown you that he’s someone who cheats, (and last time I checked, that didn’t fall under loving and genuine), but he’s told you that he defines himself as an “awful person” and a “sociopath.” So, if you want to be with a sociopath who cheats then you’ve got your man. Happy ring shopping.

If, on the other hand, you want to be with someone you can trust, (and not require so many trips to the local clinic that you’re putting their gynecologist’s kids through college), I recommend moving on to someone you can establish that foundation with.

From the sound of it, it looks like you want a trustworthy wolf, and am hoping that something, (maybe The Force?), will turn your cheating, remorseful dude into that guy. And if you’ve got a heart, stomach, mind, and immune system made of steel, I don’t see anything wrong with sacrificing your time in the hopes of observing a phenomenon that just may qualify as The Eighth Wonder of the World.

When it comes to sleeping together, though, while I can’t say if this guy will ever cheat again, I will say is that anytime you have unprotected sex with someone who is, or may be, sleeping with other people, it is not only a gamble with your life, but a form of self-mutilation. Yeah, many of us have dodged bullets there, but plenty haven’t. So, if you do hang in there, I highly suggest you wrap it up… Probably, forever, haha.

However, if you find that you are more sensitive than a Vulcan, (the non-emotional dudes from Star Trek), you’re going to want to step away from this heart-breaking relationship for the preservation of your spirit.

I know you two have a lot of fun and sexy things in common, but when it comes to core values – like monogamy… honesty… self-discipline… – you guys are just not on the same page. And while you may not be able to imagine life without him now, rest assured that when God created fun and sexy men He didn’t stop at this dude.

Again, at the end of the day, only you know what’s best for you. I didn’t create you, and I don’t know your journey, so I don’t know what lessons you’re here to learn. What I do know, is that if you care about how you feel, and listen to yourself, you’ll be just fine.

In the meantime, try not to turn a temporary problem into a permanent one. That means that if you choose not to leave, please abstain from sex, or wear a condom to lessen your chances of contracting a disease or getting pregnant. Also, consistently tend to your mental, spiritual, and emotional health throughout this process with the help of all the various resources out there. That way you give yourself a chance to come out on the other side of this, (whatever side that may be), better and not bitter.

Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship from here, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to. And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

My one answer to the ‘Is it normal when a guy does (blank)?’ question

November 30, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufieldLeave a comment

Normal behavior? Irrelevant. How it feels? Priceless.

Dear Megan,

Hi. So, I met a guy online, and from then on we’ve talked constantly through text. We have good conversations every day and night. Even when he is out drinking with friends on a Friday night, he will text and ask how I am doing. He is a very romantic guy. We share the same goals and values, and we have many interests in common.

Thing is, we haven’t met in person yet and he already said that he loves me and cannot stop thinking about me. He said his parents would also love me, and he texts about wanting to start a family with me, and we talk about kids and babies.

Do you think I should believe that he loves me even though we haven’t even met? Is that even possible? Is this normal?

He said we can skip the coffee dates because we know each other a lot, and on our first date this Sunday we will hold hands and he will kiss me. Do you think he wants something else? Is a first date kiss normal? He said he never kisses anyone on the first date, but he will with me.

Also, do you think that if a guy drinks 2-3 beers every week it’s normal? Please advise.

Thank you very much,

-Future Mrs. Normal

Dear “Future Mrs. Normal,”

I’m just going to make this as simple as possible, and ask you to repeat after me:

NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY I FEEL

Sure, I can give you my take on this wolf’s behavior. And you can go get another analysis from someone else, and another from someone else, (because at the end of the day normal is a subjective myth). But in reality, NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY YOU FEEL.

Whether it’s waiting years to say I love you/get married/have sex/etc, or waiting days, for every healthy relationship I’ve seen, I’ve seen a similarly healthy couple who’s done the exact opposite with equally satisfying results. No one’s normal, but everyone’s crazy; so your goal in dating is really to just find someone whose crazy matches your crazy. And to do that you’ve got to learn to trust yourself.

Putting up with stuff you’re not comfortable with because others tell you it’s “normal,” or even “romantic,” is a surefire way to end up in a relationship that might be good for someone else, but not you. Stick to your gut, and if a guy you just started talking to says or does stuff that weirds you out, don’t put up with it just because someone else would be cool with it.

If you’re in sync on the big issues, like you say, you may want to first talk to him about whatever he’s saying/doing that isn’t sitting well with you. And if he’s willing to adjust his behavior so that you feel comfortable and safe, cool. Proceed slowly because you just got a yellow light from a red.

If, however, he’s saying/doing stuff that you’re constantly scratching your head over, take that as a sign of incompatibility and hold out for a guy whose behavior you feel comfortable and safe with.

Your path to happiness is tailor fit for you, and your emotions are your guide. Trust that deep down you know what’s best for you, (even if on the surface you feel you don’t), and have the courage to act of exclusively from your gut.

Keeping it 100% real, in a world full of so much noise, trusting your gut will most likely be a lesson you’ll only fully get after tons of practice, (like the rest of us – wamp, wamp), but hopefully remembering that NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WAY YOU FEEL will cut your learning curve in half.

Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

The secret to a wonderful relationship

November 16, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufield2 Comments

Screenshot_20171012-230457 — How this article would have ended if I tried to provide the answer myself

Hey sexy ladies and gents,

Alright, so I’m crazy busy banging out a draft of my next book before upcoming Thanksgiving travel, and am too swamped to answer a question this week, so, basically, I’mma pull a teacher move and turn down the lights and play a video.

But don’t worry, it’s a super good, eleven-minute video featuring the best advice I’ve ever heard on relationships. Since I’ve never been in a marriage that lasted a little over 30 years like the woman in the video – (heck, that’s about how long I’ve been alive) – I decided to bring in the big guns for this week’s Q & A.

As someone who’s never seen a long-lasting and loving romantic relationship – you know, one that’s just dripping with endless adoration – modeled up close, this woman and her now-deceased husband, have served as my role model. During the decades they traveled the country teaching weekly seminars, their deep love, devotion, and respect for each other was readily observable. And in this video the woman shares their “secret sauce,” which I will now share with you, “my peeps.”

Before we get into it, I know some of you have been curious about how to even pick a mate worth doing the work necessary to live happily ever after with. In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” I covered the “head vs heart” debate, which gives you an understanding on how to use these two inner guides to make decisions that not only fulfill your deepest desires, but feel good when you’re doing it.

And when answering some of your previous questions, (like this one), I relayed the most important criteria one should have when looking for a mate. Which is summarized best by Harville Hendrix when he asserts that the best one can hope for is to find someone you have chemistry with, AND who’s aware of their issues and willing to do the work relationships require to grow over time.

So, now that you know what to look for in a partner if you want a dynamic and long-lasting relationship, and how to use your inner guide to weed through your romantic options, let’s focus on the mental state you need to cultivate in order to decide if a person’s worth going “all in” for during the courting period.

As Iyanla Vanzant states: “We can only control our own choices, our own actions. It’s not our place to make the other person in a relationship do any particular thing. I don’t get to tell people how to love me. I get to see how they love, and then choose if I want to participate.”

So, before you start sweating over the small, (or big), stuff, take as much time to as you need to really get to know a person. Observe how they love, and what their values and principles are. And as Mama Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” If you like what you see, now you can start thinking about creating a wonderful relationship, which brings me to this week’s advice via video.

It’s important to state that to fully appreciate the advice you’d have to first buy into the idea that you have the power to create your own reality (i.e. “deliberately create”). That doesn’t mean that you can control everything that happens to you, but it does mean that you can determine your emotional response, or how you experience the event. With this mentality, you don’t need anything outside of you to change to feel love towards someone; which is, ultimately, the definition of unconditional love, (a necessity ingredient for a happy and long-lasting relationship).

The advice encourages us to take responsibility for our own emotions in a relationship, and not make it another person’s job to make us feel good, or soothe our insecurities. That pretty much goes against everything we’re taught in society, from childhood up. But then again, in a society where happy, life-long relationships aren’t the norm, “If you want to have unconventional success, you can’t be guided by conventional wisdom,” as Stephen Covey says.

And, finally, we are advised to be “solution-oriented” when problems arise. This requires us to sometimes ignore the other until we’re in a place where we allow love to, once again, flow through us. A place the advice-giver calls “the vortex.”

I hope this advice helps you all as much as it has helped me in my own personal life; and I am happy to report that the questioner in the video came back years later claiming to still be as happy as ever in the relationship she originally sought advice about.

And now, without further ado, I give you Abraham Hicks’ “The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship.” Enjoy!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. If this video is ever disabled, just type “Abraham Hicks The Secret to a Wonderful Relationship” into YouTube until it is brought to my attention. Thanks, and I’ll be back next time with more answers to more of your questions!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

How to live a life with no regrets

November 2, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufieldLeave a comment

Dear Megan,

I am 26 years old and embarking on the latter half of my 20’s. I am at a bit of a stand still right now with what I want to do with these last four years of my 20’s.

What is something you wish you did when you were in your 20’s?

Thank you in advance for your help!

-In a ‘YOLO’ State of Mind

Dear “In a ‘YOLO’ State of Mind,”

Ahhh… A girl after my own heart. I remember thinking the very same thing as if it were yesterday, (probably because I’m in my early thirties), and anyone who knows me has heard me say, “You couldn’t pay me to go back to my 20s.” Why? Because, like you, in an effort to not squander the decade where total freedom and tons of self-discovery meet and say “Whazzzuuuppp!!!!” I consciously decided to take full advantage of it. I did everything I wanted to do, and if I liked it, I did it twice.

To be clear, in my 20s I:

Got a college degree, left a cushy job in Hollywood, broke up with the awesome guy I started dating in high school, moved cross-country, went to and dropped out of law school, got married to an amazing guy, got a dog, dived into the performing arts, got divorced, discovered ex-husbands can make the best best-friends, said goodbye to a dog, wrote my first book, had a threesome, traveled to a crap-load of countries, lost all my money, started a business, made a shit ton of money, drove a car through a guy’s house for being a jerk, bought property, bought my first dream car, paid off my student loans, dated a surreal amount of men, including some of the most interesting men in the world, pled guilty in front of a judge, moved cross-country again, learned that volunteer work can be very rewarding, made very little money in the stock market, lost very little money in the stock market, thought I fell in love with a boy overseas two or three times, lost friends, made friends, partied my ass off, and started giving a huge shit about my mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional health.

To be even clearer, my budding “young, wild, and free” lifestyle did not come without its fair share of unexpected, and sometimes undesirable, consequences, as I referenced in “The Dirty Little Secret to Living the Life of Your Dreams.” But was it all worth it? Helllllsss yeah.

So, outside of maybe trying to meet Justin Bieber, I can’t really say I have an “I wish I had done ‘x’ in my 20s” regret. I made it a point to not assume that tomorrow is promised, and about once or twice a year I’d compile a “If I were to die in 2 months, what would I do with my remaining time” list. Then, I’d look at the list and go about doing whatever the hell was on it. I took full responsibility for my experience on this earth, and didn’t place my happiness in the future. I was going to do whatever I wanted to do, or die trying.

So, enjoy this time in your life, “In a YOLO State of Mind.” Dive deep into exploring your interests, no matter how scattered and pointless they may seem, because it’ll all make sense later. And unless you bring a life into this world, or take one out, pretty much every other consequence is short-term, so don’t be afraid to take risks. Be brave, and don’t take life too seriously. After all, nobody gets out alive. Best of luck.

Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

To partake in ‘pretty privilege,’ or not to partake in ‘pretty privilege?’ That is the question.

October 19, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufieldLeave a comment

giphy-60 — What NOT to say when “pretty privilege” gets you a seat at the table.

Dear Megan,

Someone that I work with has asked me if I would like to present with him at an event later this year. I was quite surprised when he asked as he is a very successful, late-50s-year-old man, and I’m only in my 20’s, still trying to come to grips with the system. I’ve spoken in meetings, but he has never seen me present anything before.

I feel like this could be an amazing opportunity for me as it would get me noticed in the company and could lead to great things. However, I’m a little worried that there could be an ulterior motive behind this. I feel terrible saying it but I just don’t know why he would want to work with me. I’m intelligent, but he could easily do it himself. And I’m a little worried as it will mean we will have to be alone together.

I’ve never gotten a creepy vibe from him, but, well, you know… He isn’t married and I’ve been told he had a bit of a reputation in his younger years. I guess that could just be a rumor, though?

What do you think? Should I go for it, or politely decline?

-A Virgin to “Pretty Privilege”

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR THE YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER!

Dear “Virgin to Pretty Privilege,”

Ahhh… Career decisions that make you wonder if you’re becoming “the type of woman who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong,” as Mae described ‘em in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” lol. Well, fret not, my friend, for you’ve come to the right place. From my first job out of college to, well, er, more recent stuff, I’ve learned both the easy and hard way when to take advantage of “pretty privilege” – (that’s privileges you get for being pretty, to all you newcomers) – and here’s my two cents on your dilemma.

Question: Should you take an assignment you may have gotten due to “pretty privilege?” Answer: Heeelllllllls yeah… IF:

(1) You can do the job really well. An open door is great, but being qualified to stay in the room is a whole other story. You don’t get too many shots to show your competence to a group of people before you have to pick up, move cross-country, and try your luck elsewhere. So, if you’re confident that you’re prepared to handle the challenge, seize it. It’s a moment you’ve been waiting for.

AND

(2) You can stay focused on your goals. Remember what you came for, and what you want to get out of the opportunity. And don’t let another’s agenda overtake yours once you’ve gotten your foot in the door, (which can easily happen when we feel like we owe someone for their “favor.”) If someone, even someone who’s opened a door for you, has plans for your life that don’t jive with yours – (like, say, their bleep in your bleep) – disassociate yourself from him or her. The only thing you need to do on your way to achieving all your pretty, little heart’s desires is to stay true to who you are.

Lastly, don’t short-change yourself. Everyone has something “God-given” that will open some doors for them. It could be a big brain, a well-connected family, charisma, good looks, a sympathetic situation, some random thing in common with a gate-keeper, or any combination of the above. At the end of the day, your success in life will be largely dependent on all the good decisions you make, and all the inspired actions you take. Without those you wouldn’t even be in a position to take advantage of the “good cards” you’re dealt.

So, “Virgin to Pretty Privilege,” my advice is to use all the cards you’ve been dealt, including your pretty one, without apology. For life comes with its own inherent set of complications, so when it throws you an “easy” bone, take it. Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Why won’t he propose?

October 5, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufieldLeave a comment

giphy-89 — WARNING: Obsessions with getting a ring can lead to loss of teeth, baggy eyes, pasty skin, and extreme weight loss.

Dear Megan,

Okay. Here goes. My boyfriend of 4 years bought a ring in Jan/Feb, which I wasn’t meant to know about, but he did a silly thing in the process of buying which meant I then found out about it. Anyway… 9 months later he still hasn’t proposed and it has become such a huge issue in our relationship.

I don’t understand why he bought the ring if he wasn’t planning on proposing any time soon. He keeps telling me that he wants it to be special, yet there have been plenty of opportunities for a special proposal. Meanwhile, about 3 months ago he bought me a promise ring which confused me further as I feel as though he’s trying to put off proposing.

I feel like he’s changed his mind. I desperately want to be engaged and all my friends are getting engaged/married, and I so desperately want to be able to say to the world we are, too. I know he has the ring, and supposedly wants to be married, too, but he just won’t pop the question. We argue about it a lot, and I just don’t really know what to do anymore.

Why hasn’t he proposed? Is something wrong? Please help!!

-Misses Gollum

Dear “Misses Gollum,”

Good Lord, nine months is a helluva long time to be waiting around for a ring that’s sitting in the other room. Bummer that you found out about it… And then got a promise ring… I guess that’s sorta better than getting a “shut-up ring,” (which is what most engagement rings turn into when a girl keeps nagging.) Hell, you got two rings outta your frustration, so it’s definitely better! But I digress. On to your question.

So, you wanna know why he hasn’t proposed, huh? What the hold-up is… Well, unless your dude’s lying to you, (or himself), it looks like he actually already told you. He wants it to be special, which for him may not only mean waiting for the right physical space/way, but the right mental one.

You see, a lot of wolves have gotten pretty tired of us women pressuring them into getting married, only to be the first one to turn around, file for divorce when our fantasy of married life doesn’t match the reality of it, and potentially take half of their shit. So, here, we gotta give it to the fellas and their long-sighted approach.

Now, what this means for you is that while, technically, your concern that he’s putting it off is right, that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong. While many women in your shoes would see his hesitation as a sign of commitment issues, or something like that, the truth of the matter is that many times, when a man is holding off from marrying a woman he loves and does want to have a future with, it’s because he’s afraid of one thing and one thing only: a bad marriage. (And, unfortunately, nagging only feeds any fear of being stuck in a bad marriage with a selfish, demanding devil-woman. Crikey.)

Yep, as strange as it is, despite their dimness in many other areas, a lot of men often figure out earlier than women that there’s a difference between being married and being happily married. And your guy’s lack of urgency is most likely due to him just wanting to make sure that things start out on the right foot.

So, my advice? Instead, of pressuring him to do something that he is in some way not ready to do, use this time to focus on making sure you have the right foundation for a life-long marriage.

Make sure your values when it comes to top marriage-killers – like money, religion, infidelity, illness, and kids – are aligned. Double-check your intimacy needs and each other’s capacity and willingness to satisfy them. Participate in relationship counseling in person or with a book like “Getting the Love You Want,” by Harville Hendrix, in order to get to know each other on an even deeper level. And come up with a solid game plan for how you’re going to deal with life’s unexpected challenges together.

Once everything checks out, and both of you are confident that you have what it takes to go the distance, communicate your engagement time-frame desires to your beau, and find out what his are. If both of you are on the same page, you should be able to come up with a “by Christmas” or “by summer” type of date that you both feel good about. Then, let it go, and enjoy your life. After all, the real secret to a good marriage is two, happy and whole people coming together and enjoying the shit out of life with each other.

If, however, you two can’t settle on a “by” date, or you do and he backs out of it?… Well, time to start working on your Beyoncé “Single Ladies” wave, and picking winners.

Best of luck, and congratulations on your engagement in advance. It looks like you got a good one.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Heading to Home Depot and Lowe’s to try and meet men… Good idea?

September 21, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufield1 Comment

Dear Megan,

On a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to go to a hardware store like Lowe’s or Home Depot to meet a man?

Break it to me gently.

-Looking for the Honey in a “Honey Do List”

Dear “Looking for the Honey in a ‘Honey Do List,’”

Allllll right… Since I’ve previously shared hot spots for meeting select wolves, I guess I’ll be game and give you my two cents on hardwood stores. So here it is:

First off, real men go to Ace Hardware. Lol, just kidding… In all seriousness, don’t worry. You actually picked an understandable spot in said hardwood stores. Any woman worth her salt knows that walking into a Lowe’s or Home Depot is like stepping into a post-apocalyptic world where all the women are dead and the remaining, somehow slightly more attractive men welcome you with double takes, bright eyes, and bushy tails… Sexual tension abounds, and you find yourself thinking, “Man, why don’t I come here more often?”

But, on a scale of 1-10, how good of an idea is it to actually go to a Home Depot or Lowe’s to meet men? I’d give it about a 2.5.

It’s true. The place is packed with testosterone, and some of that testosterone will be single and available – (hence the points I gave it). However, I can’t recommend the place in good conscious due to the fact that: (1) given the wide variety of men who go there, any guy who fits what you’re looking for in a man will be in the extreme minority, (2) it’s simply too hard of a place for your needle-in-a-haystack man to naturally start a conversation with you that has enough legs to ask you out, and (3) the place is boring AF. (And as far as I know, going about your business, enjoying your life, and not walking around looking “thirsty” is still the best way to meet a man.)

My suggestion? Go on a dating site and put terms like “fix things,” “working on my house,” “working with my hands,” and “handy” into the keyword search to meet your Home Depot-prowling fella. Then, if you see someone you like, hit him up with something like, “Hey, nice profile. Any idea how to fix [your fake broken thing around your place]?” If he likes what he sees, he’ll keep the conversation going. If not, you’ll at least have saved yourself gas money and an unnecessary application of heat to your hair.

However, if you’re tired of the online thing, I recommend either choosing something you might enjoy from this list, or something else you find fun and easy. Because while walking around being bored is not the ideal way to meet a man, walking around being fun and easy is. (Well, not easy in that way… Ugh, stupid, catchy endings that don’t work… Anyway, you know what I mean.) Happy dating!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

I’m depressed and don’t enjoy life anymore… What now?

September 7, 2017July 22, 2020 tashacaufield4 Comments

Dear Megan,

I’m starting to not enjoy my life anymore. I have no friends, no one to talk to that actually understands me, I hate the way I look… my body, my hair… and I just hate myself. I walk around with my head low almost every day.

I feel like I do nothing right, I’m a failure, unwanted, unneeded, and all around I just don’t feel like myself or a person anymore.

All the things I’ve enjoyed doing, I don’t enjoy anymore. I used to love going shopping, drawing, listening to music, and just being myself. Now, I can’t get myself to get up and be active or go anywhere. I’m not gaining weight really or anything, but I’d like to be more active that’s for sure….

I just don’t have motivation to be myself anymore or do anything. I go to work and that’s probably about it. I don’t have a life at all whatsoever, and it is because of my previous abusive relationship.

What do I do to gain happiness again? I have none…

-Stuck in “FML” Mode

Dear “Stuck in ‘FML’ Mode,”

Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays… Lol. Just kidding. No need to throw your computer, haha. In all seriousness, I’m so glad you asked this question. It’s not only a problem most, if not all, of us have dealt with from time to time, but it’s one that’s often met with a lot of stock, BS, internet answers like “Sounds like you might be clinically depressed,” “Just get out there and start doing stuff!” and “Stop thinking of yourself and start thinking of others. Go volunteer!” And while those answers are potentially helpful at other times, if you’re anything like me, you’ve found them to be completely useless in your “darkest hour.”

Furthermore, since I was only able to show you how I dealt with this type of depression in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” I’m grateful for the opportunity to elaborate on what has helped me get out of similar funks in the past, and finally get to the point where I never get “stuck” in them again. So let’s get to it, shall we?

To begin with, I’m just gonna give it to you straight. The only way to rid yourself of depression, or any other “negative” emotion for the most part, is to embrace it. “What the? How come?” Because when you feel depressed, etc. nothing has gone wrong, but your thinking that something has is the primary thing causing you to overstay your welcome and stay “stuck in its grip.”

Still confused? Okay, great, because I’m itching to break this down, (without writing a whole book on the topic, of course). After all, knowledge is power; and in order for me to help you control your emotional experience I must first relay that: (1) Depression is just another emotion/feeling, and (2) all emotions/feelings are tied to your thoughts, (i.e. things you tell yourself about what you’re observing).

Additionally, if you have a soul, and feeling anything, (even if it’s numbness), is a good indicator that you do – okay, let’s just say that you do – you should also know that (3) your feelings, both “good” and “bad,” will alert you to whether or not the thought you’re currently thinking is in alignment/agreement with your soul’s beliefs. It does that so you have the opportunity to live out your life according to your soul’s deepest desires. (And don’t worry, even if you can’t remember what they are, your soul/inner being does, which is why people often say stuff like, “Deep down I know [blank]…”).

So, what does that all mean for you? Well, when you think a thought that your inner being/soul agrees with it’ll say “true,” and that resonation will cause you to feel good. When you think a thought that your inner being/soul doesn’t agree with, it’ll say “false” and that discordance will cause you to feel bad. You simply can’t think thoughts counter to what your “deep down,” inner being/soul thinks about the same thing and feel good.

“Why?” Man, you have a lot of questions. Because your soul’s ultimate desire is to feel good. It’s actually why we do or want anything, tbh. We think doing or having it/him/her will make us feel better in some way or another (including – earmuffs kids – doing not-so-safe stuff like drugs at certain times). For whatever reason, your soul just wants you to feel good.

Consequently, anytime you think a thought that doesn’t support your ultimate goal of feeling good, you disconnect yourself from your inner being/soul’s agenda, and you receive an alert for that disconnect in the form of a “negative” emotion like depression, anger, resentment, numbness, etc. In that way your feelings serve as an “emotional guidance system” for your deepest desire of joy; and, “Stuck in FML Mode,” your current feeling of depression is simply a sign that your “emotional guidance system” is working perfectly.

“Yay?” you say. No worries. There’s more. Now that you got the (painful) message from your inner being that you’re thinking all sorts of stuff it doesn’t agree with, you’re wondering how long you have to go around feeling shitty, right? Well, the answer to that is as long as you keep thinking shitty – (I mean “un-seconded by your inner being”) – thoughts.

“You mean I can’t just go around hating how I look, feeling like I do nothing right, and that no one gives a shit about me, and feel good?” you ask. Nope. Well, not as long as your inner being/soul has a different opinion. Whenever you have an “off” thought your inner being’s contrasting thought will sound the alarm in the form of emotional discomfort, and if you want it to go away you’ll have to find a way to slow the momentum of the negative thought train, and begin to turn it around in a positive direction. And that, my friend, requires opening up to thoughts that your inner being can get on board with (no pun intended).

In your case, the good news is that you’re already on the path to “seeing in color” again, as you’ve already accomplished the first step in turning the train around, which is to care about how you feel. For most of us we often just get tired of feeling crappy, but sometimes there are other motivators, like wanting to be able to be there for someone else. No matter the case, you have to value how you feel in order to feel better, and you inquiring on how to do so confirms that you’ve already achieved that step.

Then, you have two routes. If you’re up for being aggressive, you can actively work through your “negative,” inaccurate-from-your-soul’s-point-of-view thoughts with exercises like those found in Byron Katie’s method called “The Work.” There you challenge individual thoughts with questions like “Is it true?” “Can I absolutely know that it’s true?” “How do I react/what happens when I believe that thought?” and “Who would I be without that thought?”

However, you can also decide to just relax and think broader, slightly better thoughts. In your case, thoughts that work here will be one’s that entertain or make room for your inner being’s apparent belief that: you do have friends out in the world, even if you aren’t aware of them yet; you can be understood, even if it’s primarily by yourself; your body, hair, and the way you look are fine, after all, they’ve done their job perfectly in helping you experience life on this planet; you do plenty of things right, including allowing others to feel less alone by sharing how you feel with the world; and your alot-has-to-go-right-for-you-to-exist presence here is enough proof that you are wanted and needed, and as time goes by it will become clearer to you as to why.

Also, keep in mind that your inner being sees you as a creator, not just an observer, so if you’re not using your creative power to change an undesirable situation that it knows you’re capable of changing, your soul will do its thing and send you a not-so-friendly reminder that your thinking is “off.”

So, now that you have the skinny on depression and what needs to occur thought-wise for you to feel better, what do you do physically while you wait for the gradual shift back to feeling good to occur? You chill. Read a book, or don’t read a book. Watch TV, or don’t watch TV. Write, or don’t write. Stay under the sheets, or don’t stay under the sheets. Doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you don’t add more momentum to your negative thoughts. That means no listening to sad songs and/or talking all day to others about how much something sucks, (okay, I’ll give you 2-3 days to do that stuff, if you really want to and are cool with taking on a few more days of depression).

Once you quit milking negative thoughts they’ll die out from the loss of momentum that carried them. You’ll get bored, and eventually you’ll be inspired to do something other than sit around and feel sorry for yourself.

Again, the only way out of depression is to embrace it. Don’t add fire to it, which includes both milking it and begrudging it. Just let it be. Don’t make feeling depressed itself a bad thing, no matter what the commercials tell you. As we’ve established, it’s just your body’s emotional response to a “negative” thought. And thinking a thought that makes your body wrong for doing its job will only exacerbate the situation as, once again, you are thinking something counter to what your inner being knows to be true, which is that nothing has gone wrong, (it just has some new and improved information for you).

Finally, I hope you’ve realized by now that my answer to your question is not about getting rid of the feeling of depression forevermore, (as it’s a necessary guide in satisfying your deepest desires). Instead, it’s about not getting stuck in it, (which is not how you’re meant to experience life).

So, rest easy in depression’s transformative nest, and allow thoughts that are truer than the one’s you’ve been thinking to be made clear to you while there. For, before you know it, like a mother bird, your new thoughts and their accompanying positive feelings, will force you out, causing you to soar once again. Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!