Tag: relationship advice

Should I make the first move on a guy I’m interested in?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

So, there’s a guy, (30), that I’ve been interested in for some time now, (I’m 23). We’ve known each other for about 8 years, but have never been close or anything. I always found him attractive but never pursued anything until earlier this year when we ran into each other randomly and decided to grab lunch together. We talked and got to know each other a little better and I realized he and I have so much in common and that we have very similar personalities.

We communicate more than we used to now, mostly over Facebook, but it hasn’t become flirtatious or anything. He comments on pretty much every one of my posts, and people are always asking me “who is that guy who’s all over your Facebook page?”

He and I have both been single for quite a while, but I know that both of us are looking to get back out into the dating world. I don’t know if he’s interested, but I think even if he isn’t now, he might be if he knew I was interested in him…

I asked him to help me out with my blog because he’s good at that kind of stuff, and he said he’d love to, so we’re going to be doing that next week, and I’m considering asking him if he’d like to grab dinner or a drink afterwards… not necessarily a date, but at the very least an excuse to spend more time getting to know each other. But I’m afraid that might be too forward.

In my experience, whenever I’ve pursued a man or tried being direct about my interest in them, they get scared off, even if they already liked me… It’s like they immediately lose interest if winning someone over is no longer a challenge. So now I’m deathly afraid of making my interest known, and I feel like as the woman I have to just sit around and wait for men to ask me out. But I also worry that he may not make a move if I’m coming across as disinterested. So I guess I would like to ask two questions:

Have you ever made the first move, and was it successful?

-Confused and Bashful

 

Dear “Confused and Bashful,”

Christ, the last guy I made the first move on – (and by “first move” I mean said “hi” to first) – I had to marry to get rid of, haha… So yeah, it can be “successful…” if done properly.

In the world of financial trading it is said that “A decision NOT to trade (a stock) is also a trading decision;” and it seems that you, my dear, have yet to learn that when it comes to being a woman, a decision NOT to make a first move is also a first move.

You see, guys don’t become interested in a girl once they know she’s interested. That’s not how they work. They know what they like. They know what they want. And they’re either interested in you, or not.

Consequently, as a woman, your “first move” is simply to expose yourself to him – (and I’m not talking about in a snapchat kind of way, either, despite how effective that is scoring a Netflix-and-chill kind of night) – which you’ve done.

If he’s attracted to your beauty and/or brains it won’t take long for him to realize it. And you definitely won’t have to try and sneak your way in through the friend-zone – (I shudder at the thought!). Resist your customary urge to pursue – (good God, resist it!) – and just keep on going about your business and being your fabulous self.

Know that this is not about passively sitting around and waiting for men to ask you out, either. This is about patiently and actively learning to like the men who like you enough to risk rejection and ask you out. Trust me, you’ll need that level of passion and conviction in a guy down the road for you two to get through tough times.

So have faith, chica. Faith that your guy will see you, want you, and do what he has to do to not let you get away. Don’t chase, chill… And get one of those big, red “easy” buttons. That way when you’re resting comfortably in the arms of your future boo you can lean over, press it, and hear the sound of the automated guy saying, “that was easy.” Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How do I let my ex know that I’ve moved on when he is still in love?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

A couple weeks ago, I was in a long-term relationship with “Tim,” let’s call him. However, after I moved for college a few years back, the distance eventually caught up and my feelings for him slowly faded this year. However, since Tim suffers from severe depression and is very sensitive, I was nervous about breaking the “bad news.” I just couldn’t stand to see him go through another breakdown, (especially after the recent death of his father).

So, I made up the excuse of being very busy with my dentistry courses, and essentially just not having enough time for a relationship. Therefore, it was a very smooth breakup, as he didn’t think I loved him any less. I thought it was over, until he continued sending “I love you” and “Can’t wait until we’re over this break” messages. He thinks we’ll be back together once classes finish up. He’s also been talking about visiting me this summer, so I don’t have a lot of time.

This is giving me so much anxiety because I can’t just say “Sorry, I don’t love you anymore,” you know? But I also can’t keep going on like this, it isn’t fair to either. I haven’t been saying “I love you” back, etc., or regularly responding, but he doesn’t understand. However, Tim did mention that if I happened to meet someone else, to let him know, and recently I did become good friends with a colleague and have a little crush/am interested. I think it’d be strange to mention though, since Tim’s messages are so lovey dovey…

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Update: Right after I sent that, Tim messaged me about how he has taken a few weeks off of work in the summertime to come visit. Now I feel even more terrible. I definitely won’t do this again. Do you have any suggestions or advice about what to say to him now that he has already taken time off to come see me?

-Mrs. Bad News Bearer

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Mrs. Bad News Bearer,”

Oh man…  Brutal…   I know how you feel, girl.  It absolutely, 100%, sucks when you have to tell someone who’s convinced that you’re their “One,” and who’s been nothing but good to you, that you’d kinda, sorta, rather eat a dirt sandwich than continue your relationship with them.  Sigh…  Nonetheless, it’s a dirty job and somebody’s got to do it.  So, unless your mom, his best friend, or Simon Cowell owes you a favor, it looks like that person will have to be you.  (Just kidding, it was always you, >serious face<.)

Alright, to begin with, the old saying, “honesty is the best policy” definitely applies to letting someone know you’re ready to move on from your relationship.  However, how specific you need to be depends on how much time you two have spent together.

If it’s a fairly new relationship I’ve always found it best to keep things general, (unless you want a debate, or to inflict unnecessary pain on the person, of course).  Things like “I’ve realized I’m not in the right mental space for a relationship right now,” “I’ve decided to focus my time and energy on someone I feel more of a connection with,” or “I don’t feel enough chemistry to continue seeing each other,” will suffice.  I would then follow that first explanatory sentence with an expression of gratitude for the time they spent getting to know me, and let them know that I appreciated our time together.

On the other hand, if it was a long-term relationship, and you’re past the “getting to know each other” phase, in my opinion, the person is entitled to a little more of an explanation as to “what went wrong.”  If only to assure them that you had good intentions and weren’t just stringing them along for sport, (which could land you as the victim on a male-version of the show “Snapped,” by the way.)

Consequently, in a relationship like yours, where you two have been together for years, you’ll want to get specific, yet concise, during your “we need to talk” talk.  In short sentences, (in an effort to avoid drama), let him know: “Sorry I haven’t been upfront with you.  I care about you and wanted to spare your feelings.  However, I’ve realized it’s more important for me to be honest with you…  So, first, I want to say that I appreciate you taking time off work and trying to bridge the distance gap to maintain our relationship.  However, after I moved and got settled into my new career path I realized that I’m also wanting to meet new people and explore new romantic connections…  Thank you for all the wonderful experiences we’ve shared together.  I’ll always treasure them.”

If you’re open to being friends, let him know that someday, perhaps after a year or two when you both have rebounded emotionally, you can reconnect and have a friendship together, but avoid the temptation to dive into one right away.  Fresh wounds need time to heal, and in the case of relationships, that includes space.

Now, after you’ve said your piece, be prepared for any and all reactions.  Everyone handles “rejection” differently; and in my experience, about 50% of wolves respond kindly, and the other 50%, sourly.  No one will feel good at this moment, (as it’s a sucky conversation to have), but it helps things if you stay general when answering any of his questions.  And unless you want a debate or to stay together, never give in to any “Please let me know what I did wrong” requests.  Even if he asks them under the guise of self-improvement.  Trust me, it’s an argument trap.  Focus on the fact that your decision to move on is based on your needs and desires.  His perfect match is out there, same as yours.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that everyone is allowed to change his or her mind about who they want to be with, at any time, no matter how painful that decision may be to another.  And being honest and kind with each other during that process is the best we can all hope for.  So, keep “keepin’ it real,” and in time both of your hearts will heal.  (Yeah, that was meant to rhyme.)  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Should I keep the expensive gift my ex got me?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

My husband and I have been separated for 2 months after a 7-year relationship.  It was our anniversary a week ago, and my birthday tomorrow.  I went to his place today to take care of our dogs, (who are living with him), while he is out of town, and he left me a gift…  A really expensive Cartier watch.  I think he bought it about 5 months ago, so before we were separated.  I like the watch, of course.  Do I give it back to him?  Do I keep it?  I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

-Did I Mention it’s a Cartier Watch?

 

Dear “Did I Mention it’s a Cartier Watch?,”

Okay, listen to me, and listen to me very carefully.  Take the Cartier watch, put it in a box, and mail it to me at Megan Moore, P.O. Box 555…  Lol, okay, you got me…  But in all seriousness, I get your confusion.  When it comes to relationships, sometimes gifts that start out with good intentions can lead to slashed tires and an appearance on the show “Cops” if you’re not careful.  And since I’m all about avoiding the drama, (as showcased in this answer on cheating), as well as preserving beautiful skin, (stress causes wrinkles, not to mention “Resting B*tch Face”), I’m definitely up for offering my two cents in this situation.  So here ya go.

To begin with, I’d first check with your ex and make sure that he actually did intend to give you this gift now and didn’t just, say, leave it out.  (Wolves can be quite careless, you know.)  And then, if he did, I’d ask him why.

In my book, the rule on accepting a gift is: if it’s attached to a condition, situation, intention, or hope you don’t want to fulfill or encourage, it’s best to politely decline; however, if you can wholeheartedly get behind the affection that the gift symbolizes, by all means graciously accept the darn thing and enjoy!

Additionally, if the person broke their back getting you a gift you may want to decline if your level of gratitude doesn’t match their level of sacrifice.  Appreciation itself is a form of reciprocation; and, acting as such, if both sides of the ledger don’t balance out you may actually end up in debt.  Hence why it’s so important to only accept a gift if both the giver and receiver are on mutual wavelengths.  This isn’t a moral decision, this is a “I don’t want to get my ass kicked if this seemingly selfless giver turns into a bill collector” one.

In your case, if the Cartier watch is something your ex wants to give you for your anniversary/birthday out of love – no strings attached – and you can appreciate and adore it as such, you may have just come up on some nice, new wrist bling.  If, on the other hand, it’s attached to an expectation or hope you don’t want to encourage at this time, you may have to find another way to acquire your latest fashion find.  Either way, you gotta love First World problems, right. Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Oh great, I became “The Other Woman…” Help, please.

tashacaufield2 Comments

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Dear Megan,

I am 26-years-old, and work with someone who I had an immediate connection with in another department I work closely with. Months went by and I knew he had a girlfriend, so I never initiated anything. We were strictly friends at work. However, last month he expressed he had feelings for me and I knew he was unhappy in his current relationship. (His relationship moved too quickly with his girlfriend and her 1.5-year-old son – they moved in together and he quickly became the breadwinner and the son’s dad.)

We had become very close, and before I knew it we were seeing each other, (mostly at work or after work). He was looking into getting out of his lease – (they had just moved in together) – and then suddenly on Father’s Day his girlfriend, (who doesn’t know about me/us), gets him all these presents.  Suddenly she’s appreciative of everything he does, plans a “family” vacation, and has become a completely different woman. This obviously confused him, and he chose to give her a chance even though the relationship had been toxic and he was not being treated very well.

Now we barely speak.  He told me he wants to be with me, but that he had no choice but to try and make things work because he feels guilty. He keeps apologizing to me, and I know he did want to be with me. But we work together and seeing him pains me. 

I do not believe he is happy – I believe he is settling. He told me numerous times he loves her but isn’t in love with her. I am obviously going to keep my distance from him, but I do not know what to do otherwise. He says I make him happy but that he needs to focus on his relationship, which is understandable. I just do not know if I really believe him or not. 

How do I move on when we work together? How do I forgive myself?

-Rhymes with Lewinsky

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Rhymes with Lewinsky,”

I’m sooooo reminded of why some wolves prefer us when we’re young and inexperienced when I read your story.  We fall for a lot more B.S. then, lol…  But don’t worry.  I’ve seen, heard, (and probably done), a lot “worse.”  Fortunately, there’s great hope for you as your actual questions reflect that you haven’t extended the victim status you gave this dude to yourself.  And given that, I believe my response might provide you with the answer you’re looking for.  So let’s get to it.

How do you move on and forgive yourself after you’ve been “The Other Woman?”  Well, the answer’s actually really simple: You get the lesson the experience was there to teach you.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Got it!  No, not really?  Christ, I do this every week.  Okay, “here’s how…”

To begin with, you must first get that there’s a difference between “I did something bad,” and “I am bad,” and that huge difference is guilt versus shame.  (See Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” for more on that f’ed up dynamic.)  If you make who you are wrong, (shame), it’s going to take you a helluva lot longer to get over this incident than just acknowledging the truth, which is that you did something wrong, (guilt).  (And note: I’m coming to the conclusion of “wrong” and “bad” based on your desire to forgive yourself for helping this lovely lad cheat on his girlfriend.  IMO judgement calls are subjective.)

The good news for you is that if you’re starting in shame you’re already on the right track to getting rid of it.  How the heck do I know that, you ask?  Well, you’ve shared your embarrassing story!  Shame likes to live inside us and sorta dies upon its introduction to fresh, clean air.  Just make sure that you continue to tell your story to people who’ve earned the right to hear it.  Otherwise their reaction will just make it worse – (and between you and me, a lot of the people on this here World Wide Web haven’t earned it…  Frickin’ high and mighty weirdos…  But don’t worry, everyone on this site’s pretty cool ;)).

Also, don’t forget to be mindful of your self-talk.  If you’re saying mean stuff to yourself – you know, the kind of stuff that you wouldn’t say to someone you love in your situation – cut it out.  It’s all about accepting that you did something you’re not proud of, not that you aren’t still the miraculous, awesome, super-lovable creation that you are.  Over the shame yet?  Sweet.  Welcome to the awesome world of feeling like a guilty son-of-a-b*tch.

Here, you accept the late, great Maya Angelou’s mantra, “When you know better, you do better.”  And here you get your lessons…  Awesome sauce.  If you’re like most people on this planet, you haven’t yet read “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” which is cool.  I’m not bitter.  Swear.  But given that, accept that you just didn’t know my rule to “Never listen to what a wolf says, just watch what he does.”  If you did know that, all you would have seen in your situation was a guy living at home with his girlfriend and her son, taking care of his family.  Sure, he might want to fool around with other women, (in this case you), in order to get other needs met, or blah, blah, blah; but focusing on his actions would have made who and what he’s actually committed to crystal clear.  And it’s with that information, and that information only, could you have made an informed decision that you wouldn’t have regretted later.

So, lesson: put more faith in someone’s actions than you do their words.  Get that, and the fact that you can’t learn something before you’re taught it, and you’ll be able to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself.

“Rhymes with Lewinsky,” know that if a guy truly, (not sorta or kinda), wants to be with you he’ll move heaven and earth to do so.  And, yes, if kids are involved that may include taking time to get his ducks in a row, but someone who cares for you will never ask you to dishonor yourself and settle for less than what you want and deserve in the meantime. They’ll want to preserve your trust and respect, and not hold you up in the pursuit of your dreams while they eagerly pursue theirs, (which in this case would mean doing what they need to do to get you).

And finally, once you get your lesson and forgive yourself, you’ll have no problem working with this guy.  You’ll feel renewed.  Empowered even.  Your growth will make your fling with him seem like just another thing you got caught up in on your road of self-discovery.  So get up, adjust your crown, and get on back in that office.  You’ll be alright, “you saucy minx, you…” Lol.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

She’s super attractive… and super boring

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

So, I’m a guy, and I’m talking to a girl that I am SUPER attracted to. We laugh and joke here and there for the most part, but overall she is boring as hell. Been on a few dates and they go decently enough.  She always says she had fun, always is ready to hang out again…  But when we do I feel like I have to lead conversations.

I’m not a super talkative person, but I can fake it pretty well.  She answers my questions and all, and will have random follow up questions; but, again, it’s me doing all the work… I feel like we have better conversations via text than in person, but how can you get anywhere with that type of dynamic?

On top of that she has no sense of adventure.  In order to have a little more fun on our dates I suggested we go to the gun range.  She came, but would barely shoot.  I suggested we go jet-skiing.  She said she would never do that.  There have been a few more things she said she just won’t do, and I’m just sitting there like oooook.

Problem is, I’m attracted as hell to her physically.  Just don’t have much in common, I guess, which sucks.  Is it so wrong to be shallow sometimes?  I’m recently out of a 5-year relationship, so not looking for anything serious by any means, which she is aware of… Isn’t this the little bit of time I am “allowed” to be shallow? 

-Bored and Shallow Hal

 

 

Dear “Bored and Shallow Hal,”

Finally!  An easy question!…  Thank goodness… Lord knows I was due for one.  Alright, you seem like a simple wolf with simple pleasures, so I’m going to answer the two questions you posed as simply as I can.

Yes, you’re allowed to be shallow.  And yes, you can get somewhere with that type of dynamic: the bedroom.  She knows you’re not looking for anything serious, which means she’s not looking for anything serious.  (Note: even if a girl says, or even thinks she is, if she’s fooling around with an emotionally unavailable guy, guess what, she’s not.)

So, assuming you’re not a millionaire, (in which case this phenomenon can easily be chalked up to a solo interest in your dough and an inability to fake otherwise), here’s your takeaway from this – (earmuffs, mom):

When an attractive girl who’s sometimes lively, (a la “laughing and joking here and there” and participating in engaging text conversations), turns down her personality when around you, AND keeps wanting to get together with you and your “not-ready-for-anything-serious” heinie, it’s for one reason and one reason only: she’s looking to get her pipes cleaned.  No, she’s not suddenly shy, or reminded that she comes from a reserved culture, she’s just not up for pretending to be that into you and your fun, adventurous ways.

Quit trying to drag her around town to do stuff; or worse, hope that she’ll match your adventurous tastes like the ideal girlfriend you’re not ready for.  Let her get what all your fresh-out-of-a-relationship, emotional unavailability promises – a quiet, “Netflix and chill” night with a seemingly decent guy.

Most single girls, (usually the smarter ones), only care to have interesting conversations, and create bond-forming memories via adventurous activities, with guys they see at least some sort of future with.  So given the stage you’re in, unless you’re willing to settle for the friendzone, or have the swag and/or pockets of Iron Man, the best you can hope for amongst single, hot, and fun are a couple great dates before someone else catches her eye, or a girl in a similar boat as you whose adventurousness conveniently stops at exploring new “D,” (that’s wiener for all you baby boomers).

Outside of that, rest assured that when you’re ready for more you’ll attract a steady companion who has, and is willing, to offer more. In the meantime, happy romping.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How to turn your crappy dad into the perfect wingman

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

I… sort of have a history of destructive relationships, and last Father’s Day I felt a sudden bitterness towards my own father for abandoning me that led me to do a lot of reflecting.

My father left my mother before I was born, and we’ve spoken a total of, like, 3 times. Last time was about 8 years ago.

I always feel like I had a very healthy and whole childhood. I had people who loved me, and I never felt like I missed anything by virtue of not having my father around.

My relationships with men, however, are a different story. I broke up with my last real boyfriend because I felt he was too engaged, too interested in being in a more serious relationship. We had a bunch of other issues that I don’t think were any less important, but at the heart of it, I knew I wasn’t in it for the long run and it was just best to walk away.

My subsequent relationships have been casual, where I try to keep a distance and not be too involved. And I know I seek out men who aren’t all that good to me. I find a certain thrill in the chase of seducing a man and being the one who draws lines and says the whole thing is casual and uncommitted… Then I turn and feel abandoned and rejected when they are casual about me.

I don’t want to think that all my self-esteem issues and insecurities come solely from my father’s abandonment. Everyone has insecurities, even if they grew up in married parent’s homes. But lately I’m starting to think that it did affect me more than I ever thought it did.

In the end, if I don’t know what being in a healthy relationship looks like, how can I be what I didn’t see?

-Yep, Daddy Issues

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Yep, Daddy Issues,”

You already know I L.O.V.E. this question…  And not only because I wrestled with the very same confusion for years and consequently put it at the heart of my latest book, “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” but it’s also a perfect question for Father’s Day weekend!  Go us!

“How does one create a loving relationship with a man when one was never given a proper model?”  It’s an all too common problem among us women with similar backgrounds.  But don’t fret, in addition to making my book free for you this holiday weekend, I’ll also share with you here another trick that will help you break free from any bloodline filled with crappy relationships so that you can receive the loving one that’s waiting for you on the other side.

To begin with, it’s important to understand that for a very, very long time you’ll have at least some level of attraction to guys with negative traits similar to your father.  Ugh.  I know…  As the renowned creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, Harville Hendrix, points out, those, often not-so-obvious, similar traits are actually what subconsciously draw you to a person in the first place.  It’s what we call chemistry.  (For more on that and why you like the guys you like, and play the games you do, I highly recommend checking out Hendrix’ book, “Keeping the Love You Find.”)

So from here on out, accept the notion that its only until after you’ve burnt out of dating guys who aren’t good for you that you’ll be fully committed to learning to like the ones who are.  That’s right, in order to achieve the loving relationship you want, and be content in it, at some point you’re going to have to go against your current nature until it becomes your new nature.

Now, let’s say you are tired of the B.S. and ready to create that loving relationship.  Well good!  I didn’t devise this three-part plan for my health!  Lol.  Here’s what I recommend you do.

First, drumroll, please…  Turn your crappy dad into the perfect wingman.  And by that I mean to use his crappy behavior, and how it made you feel growing up, as your guide in picking out guys who are good for you.  Had a dad who was distant, unreliable, controlling, neglectful, disloyal, mentally, physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive?  Well, thank your crappy dad for showing you what sh*tty behavior looked like so that you can give your attention to guys who only display intimate, communicative, reliable, supportive, devoted, emotionally available, kind, and loving behavior.

At times you’re going to have to play some Jedi mind tricks on yourself to have the conviction necessary to walk away from poor behavior, and here’s a good one:  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I said to never listen to what a wolf says, just watch what he does; and now I’m adding that, upon observation of his actions, ask yourself, “Would this be okay if he did it to my child?”  Sure, you can wait around forever for him to show up, but would you want your kid to?

Even if you don’t have or want kids, use it as a reminder of what you deserved when you were a kid, and don’t settle for anything less now that you’re an adult and have a choice.  There is no need to keep emotionally, physically, or mentally abusing or neglecting yourself.  “You’s free now.”

So use your father’s unloving, contrasting behavior of what you don’t want to point you towards a guy whose behavior is something you and your soul do want.  “Thanks, wingman.”

Now, don’t worry, I still remember what you’re up against: Nature.  And she can be a stubborn b*tch.  She’ll cause you to only be genuinely attracted to the distant/elusive, controlling/demanding, or unfaithful, etc. wolves, while the ones that are good for you will struggle to maintain your attention.  After all, their “good deeds” can only get them so far before they start to feel boring, smothering, or creepy AF.

So here’s where the second part of the plan comes in:  When you start to feel uncomfortable with the “good guy,” don’t fight the guy fight the discomfort.  Sit with the uncomfortable feelings and acknowledge them to yourself.  Write about them or talk with someone you trust.  Remind yourself that what you are feeling is normal and to be expected.  After all, the changes you’re making will have a generational impact akin to changing your DNA, and that’s no easy, pleasant feat.  If it were, the generations before you would have bypassed all the suffering their choices caused and just done it themselves.

Then, allow yourself to focus on all the wonderful qualities the guy you’re interested in has, and the life you two can create together as a result of sticking it out.  With that said, you don’t have to stick things out with every nice Tom, Dick, and Harry who treats you well.  This isn’t a guy you date just because he’s nice and you’re tired of dating jerks, you date him because you feel drawn to him.  If you feel good, safe, and like you can be yourself with him, fight through the moments of doubt, boredom, fear, etc.  If you’re looking up “101 ways to fake your death” before your dates together move on.  He’s not the one. (And for more on picking a guy check out this question I answered.)

Finally, the last step in attaining this loving relationship you never saw is to not only fully accept and appreciate the “good guy” you get for who he is, but to support him in who he is.  Now, it might take you a thousand guys to get this step down, but it’s essential.  Here, you resist the urge to play games and behave badly in a subconscious effort to try and change him into the jerks you’ve found more attractive.  You also don’t test him in ways that’ll make him prove to you he won’t abandon you just like your dad.  If he’s really a loving person, he’ll love himself enough to not put up with your abusive behavior and leave because of that.

Instead, treat him the way you want to be treated.  Mimic his openly loving, kind, and generous behavior.  Support him, even when others take advantage of his nature, and know that in a world that can be very harsh you two have something very special. And why?  All because of your sucky, wingman dad.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. For more help on connecting and locating these “good guys” check out this question I answered.  And don’t forget to download “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” for free on the 17th-18th!

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Where to find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men

tashacaufield2 Comments

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Dear Megan,

Where do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men?  Seems like a pretty tall order! Yet here I am asking. Where can I find these quality men to date? I’ve decided I am 100% done with Tinder, (I seem to attract and be attracted to the exact opposite man I’m looking for in terms of a relationship there), and am not too keen on the other online dating sites. I have tried a few of them, but I’m wondering what other options there are these days. I’m a working professional with a master’s degree, fit and attractive, and 28. My field is mostly female dominated, but I’d actually like to date someone in a different field anyway. I’m taking a bit of a hiatus from dating right now, but I’d like to look forward to better matches when I am ready to date again. 

Any ideas?

-Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

 

Dear “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places,”

I see what you did there…  You tried to stuff the perfect, (and rare), alpha-beta blend into three seemingly all-encompassing words! Lol…  Yeeeaaaahhh, you gotta wake up pretty early to get one past me.   But I’ll play your game since your criteria is a good place to start. Just know that I’ll be here when you find this dream boat but come back wanting to expand your “I just what a man who’s…” list to include:

SINGLE, doesn’t have a face kids want to wear as a Halloween mask, shows up on time, doesn’t want to pee on you (or have some other weird fetish), couldn’t have gone to grade school with your grandfather, will stick things out through the tough times, doesn’t have a drug/porn/work/food addiction, doesn’t have a gang ‘o kids, won’t require a magnifying glass to see his frank and beans, isn’t a member of Hell’s Angels, doesn’t live in Prague if you live in Philly, wants to have (or not have) kids like you, is (or isn’t) adventurous like you, is attracted to you and your particular brand of tea, isn’t a stripper, isn’t a “furry,” is somewhat of a decent communicator, isn’t a polygamist, doesn’t look pregnant, doesn’t have a relationship with his mom that creeps you out, isn’t gay (or if you’re a gay guy, is gay), speaks English, isn’t in federal prison, is disease-free, has at least some sort of sense of humor, is over 5’9”…

Aaaannnddd we’re back at wanting “Mr. Perfect.” 

It’s a slippery slope when you focus on anything other than how a wolf makes you feel; but if we’re honest, most of us have external criteria we condition our love on, and I’m not here to judge, so here’s some help.

To being with, the short answer to your question, “Where do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men,” is: everywhere.  The more relevant answer to your question, however, is: wherever you are open to receiving one.  In life you get what you expect, (even if it’s subconscious).  If you go into a certain place, whether online or in-person, thinking your guy couldn’t possibly be there, guess what?  He won’t.  But if you go into a situation with an open mind, you’ve made room to receive him.  Consequently, since you can find these men anywhere, the better question is “When do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men?”  And the right timing requires two things.

Since like attracts like, you must first become the three things you want to attract.  It’s the only way to form a long-lasting connection with a man who embodies all three.  Fortunately, and despite what most of us have been taught, financial success is a mindset.  If you see yourself as prosperous, having more than you need, (the very definition of abundance), you are free to declare yourself financially successful anytime you choose to.  When it comes to kindness, feedback from others will help you adjust anything there, if necessary.  And if the feedback isn’t good, and you’re at a total loss on where to get help being kinder, uh, maybe try Goofus and Gallant in “Highlights for Children?”

The big kahuna that stumps most people is the emotionally available part.  Therefore, let this be your guiding principle:  You’re emotionally available when the men you’re attracting are emotionally available.

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

I hate to say it, but if the wolf you’re talking to is blocking love in some way, and you stick around for more than, say, a date or informative conversation, it’s because you’re emotionally unavailable in some way, too.  Bummer.  Don’t fret though, if you really want a quality relationship you’ll burn out of the dead-end guys.  And after taking a deep look inside of yourself, you’ll come out no longer willing to put up with anyone’s elusive, flaky, overly sex-driven, not-over-his-ex, perfectionist, controlling, and/or commitment-phobic behavior.

Okay, say you are all three of those things, the second thing you’ll need, as stated above, is to be open to meeting this guy wherever you go.  That openness and lack of expectation is why many people say you’ll meet him when you least expect it.

Now, with all that said, there are places where your chances of meeting a man with all three qualities are higher than others.  Sure, one can meet such a man in the casual encounters section of Craigslist, (or in what I consider its newer version, Tinder), but who’s got time to try and find a needle in that haystack.

So, without further ado, here is a list of meet-and-greet places I’ve found men with all three qualities to be more likely to frequent.  It is based on my experience and observations, not some stock internet list, so know that this list is “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” approved.  (And, side note, I’ve intentionally left out tennis clubs and yoga studios as those men seem to be a bit weird upon closer inspection.)  Enjoy!

-Megan 🙂

 

Where to Find Emotionally Available, Financially Successful, and Kind Men

(In order of preference)

 

  • Charity events
  • Volunteer work
  • Workshops/lectures by your favorite spiritual/financial/motivational/educational teachers
  • TED Talks
  • The bar area of a high-end restaurant
  • Friends and family who know you and your taste
  • The bar area of a high-end sports bar
  • Great seats at sporting events, (and/or access to exclusive areas)
  • Performing arts venues, (including bars with live music in nice neighborhoods)
  • Paid online dating sites
  • Trade shows and conventions
  • Walking/exercising at beaches and hiking trails in really nice areas
  • The bar area of any restaurant with good food in a nice area
  • The golf course, (but if you can’t play better to stick with the range… and if you can’t hit worth a lick better to stick with the bar at the country club)
  • Food and wine festivals
  • High-end gyms (if you have a game plan for if things don’t work out)
  • Airplanes, airport lounges, and airport bars
  • Boat and car shows
  • Cigar bars (if you can stomach how they make your hair and clothes smell)
  • Casinos (…but keep it classy, please)
  • Stuck in your, or your girlfriend’s, friend-zone

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Real guy vs fantasy guy… Help, please.

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

Okay, here goes. I’m a 24-year old girl with anxiety, and I’m dating a very nice man. We had three dates and tomorrow will be the fourth. I have never had a boyfriend before, never been kissed, etc… He is very nice and understanding of all that, but I am scared.

First of all, I love being single. Second, I always had/have celebrity crushes. I know it sounds immature. It’s so embarrassing. I have to grow up. But these crushes are perfect!  They won’t hug me and kiss me. Never. But fantasizing about them is so safe and good. I really like fantasizing and daydreaming about them. It’s better than reality. And I am so scared that my expectations are so high that I won’t be able to love somebody who doesn’t look/sound like my celebrity crushes.

I know I have to live in reality, but giving up this dream world is scary. Maybe I have fantasized so much that I will be unable to live in reality?  I feel like I now have to give up these crushes as my single life is changing, and it makes me anxious. I told this man about my anxiety since I know I should choose a real man and not an imaginary one, and he accepts it. When I am with this man, I feel good, but when I am alone with my thoughts, I am filled with doubts and anxiety.  What do I do???

-Stuck in Fantasyland

Dear Stuck in Fantasyland,

I actually like this question!  (And not just because it gave me an excuse to look at, like, a thousand Justin Bieber photos… [where’s a heart emoji when you need one]).  Sure, on the surface it sounds a little cray cray – just keepin’ it real – but underneath, your “problem” is super common.  So common, in fact, that it’s at the heart of every disappointment in every relationship, whether it be a romantic one, a family-related one, or a platonic one.  You see, when people get hurt in a relationship it’s for one reason and one reason only: the other person didn’t live up to their fantasy, (which usually consists of something they would have liked their partner to have done).  So as nuts as you may feel about the semi-extreme way your fear of getting hurt is playing out, trust me, you’re tackling a big and common issue, and I applaud you for doing it head on.

Before we get to the meat of it, let me just say that part of your anxiety stems from feeling like you have to give up more than you do.  When it comes to how your celebrity crush looks and sounds, well, you can keep that.  I not only know of cases where people found a mate who fit their celebrity crush’s physical description, but I, myself, have dated about eight replicas!  However, once you have more experience with men I’m willing to bet you’ll start to value more important qualities.  Tragic.  I know.

Additionally, you should know that you don’t have to give up anything before you’re ready.  Since you “love being single” and find comfort in these fantasies more than the idea of dating a real wolf (I mean “guy,” sorry, old habit), I recommend dreamin’ on for now.  Relationships require too much work to enter before you’re “all in.”  And since the ultimate goal of being in one is to feel good, and you already found a way to do that being single, why bother fixing what isn’t broken.  Being single is only a problem if you don’t want to be single.

BUT, let’s say you do want a real, in-the-flesh relationship.  You know, for sh*ts and giggles.  The good news is that you also don’t have to give up how the fantasy guy makes you feel – (excited… frisky… and like you are very much a woman, he he) – just know that the real guy won’t make you feel that way all the time.  Which brings me to the only thing you do have to give up: your unwillingness to cope with the fact that your real guy is going to do something that your fantasy guy will never do, and that’s disappoint you…  A LOT.

Since you feel good when you’re with the guy you’re currently dating, but doubtful and anxious of the relationship when away, I’m going to guess that you’re ready for a “real” relationship but have experienced some trauma that has left you extra-sensitive to the disappointment that inevitably comes with intimate relationships.  Consequently, the game plan that I’m going to recommend to you is two-fold.

First and foremost, pick a guy whose intentions you feel you can trust.  This trust is built not just on a dialogue that affirms a shared vision for the relationship, but on consistently thoughtful behavior that supports said vision.  Sure, he’ll have minor slip ups at times because he’s not a mind reader, (or he’s tired of your sh*t on a particular day), but once you express your grievance, (or he gets his energy back), he’ll be eager to make things right by you.  This is the most important step, by the way – picking a guy you feel safe with – and by “minor slip ups” I mean anything that isn’t, say, physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive.  Never allow anyone to demean you in any way.

Second, pre-determine your process for dealing with the inevitable disappointment and/or anger his slip ups will cause.  If you find that your emotional reaction doesn’t fit the crime due to your extra-sensitivity, first clarify with yourself that his behavior is just reminding you of something hurtful someone else once did.  He most likely (unintentionally) hit an emotional sore spot.  Here, your ability to trust his intentions will allow you to calm down, breathe deeply through your emotions, and develop a new plan of action moving forward.

If, however, your hurt or rage is proportionate to the “crime,” then as your first step I recommend finding a place  (away from the knives) where you can calm down and absorb what all just happened and how it made you feel.  Sit with those thoughts and feelings, write them down and/or talk to someone with a track record of healthy relationships.  Then accept what happened, and, when ready, return to him for his side of the story.  Hear him out and what he was thinking, and share your side, taking breaks if/when things get heated.  If you picked a guy with nothing but good intentions for you and your relationship, thoroughly discussing the issue will allow both of you to develop a deeper understanding of each other and strengthen your relationship.

If you picked the wrong guy, and he did something like, say, up-and-left you, well, I guess the good news is that you don’t have to do the last step?  (Silver linings, people!)  But you do have to join in on the final step which is to learn the lesson the incident taught you.  What do you now know about yourself, him, and your relationship that will make you stronger and better moving forward.

Briefly, when it comes to losing someone to a difficult-to-manage illness and/or death, and “life” becomes the focus of your disappointment, I know it sounds cliché but all I recommend in that case is time.  Time to grieve, heal, and feel the range of emotions, (or seemingly lack of emotions), that pass through your heart.  The running thread I’ve noticed among survivors of deep losses such as those is that it taught them how to love deeper and differently.  So there will be treasure waiting for you on the other side of your grief, but in the meantime all you can do is take things day by day.

So, as you can see, Stuck in Fantasyland, your fears and hesitancy to trade in your celebrity crushes for real life relationships are justifiable.  Real relationships come with pain and disappointment; but know that with that pain and disappointment come tools that help us grow.  We become better lovers who can then go on to experience love on deeper and deeper levels.  But if you’re still not sure if all this is for you I have one last piece of good news: When you’re ready to make the switch, the very idea of a real relationship will become your new fantasy, disappointing flaws and all.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

The dirty little secret to living the life of your dreams

tashacaufield2 Comments
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But at what cost?

Dear Megan,

I’m in a bit of a pickle. I am a 22-year-old woman living with my 23-year-old fiancé. I’m about to finish my degree, and once it’s completed the two of us will be moving back in with his parents until the wedding, and then we plan to move abroad after a long honeymoon in India.

Where the problem comes in, is the future we have paved for ourselves. For a long while, even before the two of us met, I’ve not been enthused by the 9-5/office job lifestyle. I’ve always wanted to travel for extended periods, earning money whilst seeing the world.

When we got together of course I had to make some serious considerations in my head. Once we’d been together for a while, and I knew this was going to be for the long-haul, I brought it up with him and it was clear that he didn’t want to join me in this venture. Which is fair enough, we’d essentially be moving from country to country every 6-12 months, living my dream, with my partner following me around from job to job. It’d be unfair on him. Later, we came up with a compromise. We’d spend a few months in India for our honeymoon. Great stuff.

However, the more time goes by, the more I realize that a few months in India isn’t going to satisfy this urge. I find myself looking at teaching English abroad every month or two, places to go, qualifications to attain, etc. But after a couple of hours I always end up saying, “Well, it’s not actually going to happen, it’s just a dream, so stop wasting your time, you fool.” Then I sort of give up, feeling a bit deflated.

This keeps happening, and more and more frequently. So now I seem to be stuck in this horrible dilemma of: Do I set aside my dreams, perhaps regretting never even trying years from now? Or do I leave my fiancé, whom I love so much, and perhaps regret that years from now?

Sincerely,

Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe

Dear “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe,”

A pickle indeed, you are in! (Sigh. Yoda impersonations never work via text.) Anywho, if you know me, you know I’m all about giving you the tools to make the best decision for yourself. So, what I’m about to share with you will not only do just that, but it’ll change your life. (#HumbleBragging.) I could break all the information down for you here, but my brother-from-another-mother, Srinivas Rao, did it so eloquently in his article “5 Things I Had to Give Up to Be Successful,” it’d be a shame not to refer you to it.  I encourage you to check it out here.

From it, you’ll learn the dirty little secret to living the life of your dreams: “There’s an opportunity cost to everything worthwhile in life.” And while we all may get that mentally, it’s only after we fully accept it that we can embrace who we are and set a solid foundation for living contently ever after.

You see, your question is so much bigger than “Should I do this?” or “Should I do that?” It’s “How do I live the life of my dreams and be 100% okay with it?” And the answer to that comes down to not only knowing, but accepting the cost of your dream. After all, regret, lack of conviction, and feeling guilty about who and how you are can spoil any well-planned, globe-trekking adventure or marriage.

As Rao points out, if you want to be a doctor you’ll give up basically a decade of your life to training. And if you want to be an entrepreneur you give up, amongst a thousand other things, the need for certainty and security through a steady paycheck. If you want kids you give up the ability to take more risks and financial freedoms. And, as you’re finding out now, if you want to travel the world you give up familiarity, time with friends and family, and a sense of belonging and community. Gulp. That’s a lot.

In my case, I chose travel over everything else and it was worth it because, as Prince Ea beautifully points out in this video, we don’t necessarily have dreams, they have us. When it came to giving up other things to live the life of my dreams, some things were easier to let go of than others. I was fortunate enough to learn early on that I had to give up other people’s definition of success in order to find the peace I sought after intimately observing my millionaire mentors struggle with personal fulfillment; but as you can see in my book “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” giving up baggage related to past experiences took “a little” longer.

So, here’s the tool I want to give you to help you solve this, and similar, dilemmas as they arise. When you find yourself really wanting something write down what it is and put it in one column. Then, write down what belief, habit, etc. you’ll have to give up in order to achieve it in another column. Finally, if you’re willing to pay the cost, in the last column write down what you’ll need to do physically and/or mentally to support your desire in light of its cost. From this process you will also get how creative you can be with your compromises, and when something is so far of a reach that it no longer supports who you are as a person.

All this, my dear, is a great secret for you to learn at your age. It will serve you greatly in achieving contentment whilst being your most authentic self. And it will also help you build the proper foundation for a life that fulfills your deepest desires. And once you have that foundation the rest will fall into place. Best of luck, and when in Venice stop in Harry’s and have a Bellini for me ;).

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.