Tag: relationship advice

Is interactive porn cheating?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

A friend of mine has been with her boyfriend for over a year. They are happy and seem to be totally in love.

Recently she went through his emails – (he is very open with her and she has all of his passwords… he says he has nothing to hide and she can access whatever she wants) – and found an email to a company that allows you to access xxx content on snapchat. You pay a monthly fee and can watch pornstars on your snapchat and are given access to explicit content. The reason he emailed the company is because the credit card payment was not going through, so he emailed the help desk.

She is very upset. She doesn’t care if he watches porn, (as most men do), but this seems to be a little different. She doesn’t know if she is over exaggerating and has not confronted him yet.

What do you think? Is this a form of cheating?

-Curious… For a friend

Dear “Curious…  For a friend,”

Christ!  I can’t stay on top of the porn game to save my life! Lol…  Paid porn on Snapchat?  Well, I don’t know much about that service, but given your girlfriend’s approval of “traditional” porn, I’m going to assume that this company provides a more personal, interactive experience.  (Otherwise, all he’s guilty of is stupidly paying to see boobies when many sites offer them for free. )  So, yeah, I get it.  While most people have made peace with their partner using pornographic video and images to stimulate their imagination during “me time,” when it comes to the newer, private, “shouldn’t that be something only you and I do together,” interactive stuff, many gals and guys are left wondering, “Is that cheating?”

To begin with, each couple has the power to define the rules of their relationship for themselves, so cheating can only be called out by a person within the relationship when they feel the other has violated their agreement.  Sure, the act of romantically being with someone other than your mate is usually considered cheating, but that’s not always the case; and if one truly wants to establish a fair playing ground it’s best to lay out all the rules up front.  But as you’ve pointed out, while most may know what they consider cheating to be physically and emotionally, not everyone knows what it is pornographically.  And in that case education and knowing one’s self is the key.

When considering the topic of porn, it’s important to remember that interactive experiences aren’t anything new.  From the moment Eve covered herself with a fig leaf and Adam got her to flash him for a berry we’ve had strip clubs.  And rumor has it that during early tests, Alexander Graham Bell rang Mrs. Bell in the other room and when she picked up asked, “So what are you wearing?” thereby inventing phone sex before the first telephone was ever sold.  But since strip clubs are public and phone sex lacks visuals, partners who have made peace with them usually do so on those grounds.  Now, however, we live in an age where our mate can go into the other room, look, talk and experience sexual pleasure with another via things like webcams and text messages, and feel good about it because the girl or guy on the other end is a stranger and not Becky or Jim from work.

And is that cheating?  Well, it depends on one thing:  How you feel about it.  To be fair to fans of “the webcam” not all subscribers care to interact.  Some are more fascinated by the fact that it’s live and just want to watch.  So back and forth communication could be a line you draw if it’s the interacting that bothers you more than the looking.

However, if you’re uncomfortable with how the whole interactive medium easily lends itself to a more personal experience – (after all, they sometimes do lead to real-life meetups as in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols“) – you can draw a line on the whole darn thing if you want.  The established, more common rules of cheating that you’ve already adopted are based on your feelings anyhow, so why set them aside now?  Your mate has plenty of other options, and since these are newer mediums he or she should have no trouble sticking to, or returning to, his or her original sources.

If interactive porn doesn’t bother you or your partner at all, and, like the hippy parents of a pot-smoking teen, you’re cool with whatever goes on as long as it stays in the basement, then this activity will be free of the cheating label in your relationship.  It really does come down to how each person feels about it, and the decision the couple reaches as a result.

In closing, only your girlfriend can know what she’s okay with or not in a relationship, so encourage her to be honest with herself about how something makes her feel, and establish her boundaries from there.  If her partner feels the same way, sweet.  If he doesn’t, but decides rocking with her is more important than playing with live action porn stars, double-sweet.  Either way, once she knows what she likes, she’ll have the answer as to whether or not interactive porn is, for her, cheating.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And for anyone interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Goodbye, mother who disowned me. Hello, abandonment issues…

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Just over 8 years ago, my mother rang me up to tell me she no longer wanted me to be in her life. I had recently turned 30. We’d had a difficult relationship for many years and I believe this was an extreme maneuver to get me to beg her to keep me in her life and thus establish her as being in control of me again – that’s how she tends to like things.

I was deeply crushed but certainly did not grovel to be taken back. My pride and dignity just wouldn’t allow me. My mother is a complex mix of 20% loveliness and the other 80% is composed of aggression, volatility, unpredictability, and the list goes on. She was such a lovely mother in my early childhood, but she appeared to change and become very aggressive and violent after I turned ten.

The biggest problem in all of this is the fact that I find it really difficult to be open to having a proper relationship with a man as I fear he may not be able to fully understand my family circumstances as it’s quite unusual to be in this situation. I literally don’t know anyone else who shares my circumstances so it feels quite isolating at times. It’s also hard for me to imagine how anyone would be able to love me if my own mother isn’t able to feel proper love for me. I really want to be able to move on with my life and be part of a loving relationship, but these barriers seem to hold me back.

This is me speaking from having a lot of therapy over the years. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

-Disowned 😦

Dear “Disowned,”

Yep.  Crazy mothers…  You are soooo not alone in having to deal with one; and when it comes to the “disownment” department, I got your back in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”  Been there, done that.  As your time in therapy has shown you, it’s tough to find something that can take away the feelings of pain, disappointment, alienation, and unworthiness of love that a mother who walks out on you can cause, but as someone who’s been in your shoes I’m grateful for the opportunity to share with you the things that have worked for me on my journey to trust in love again.

To begin with, I want you to know that it’s important for you to allow the little girl inside of you, the girl who just wants her mommy, to grieve over her absence.  It’s like a death, and all transitions of that sort require a painful mental shift that must be given its proper respect.  The pain is a sign that you actually did value the relationship, and there’s no shame in that.  So cry.  Ugly cry.  Stay in bed.  Write a letter to your mom detailing the hopes and dreams you had for a loving mother-daughter relationship, and your disappointment in them not coming true.  Give it to her, don’t give it to her, do whatever you feel like doing during this grieving process.  All that matters is that you get it out.  And write a letter to the little girl inside of you, as well.  Let her know what you’ve got her back and will be the one taking care of her from now on.  Tell her that she’s safe, and can rely on you.

Once you’ve gotten all that out and feel ready to move forward, you and your tired-from-crying eyes can now focus on the next step.  This is where you understand that the pain, disappointment, alienation, unworthiness, etc that you’ve been feeling has less to do with your mom actually leaving, and more to do with the story you’ve told yourself about what her leaving says about you.  Whatever emotional wounds your mom had before you were born were still there after you were born.  And for all we know her staying in your life could have done more harm than good, while her leaving could have been the most loving thing she’s ever done for you, (well, outside of allowing her body to be used to bring you into this planet).

There are many parents who have stayed in their child’s life only to abuse them physically, mentally, and/or emotionally, and when you make up the story that your mom’s disownment means that she doesn’t love you, or that you’re somehow unworthy of love, you experience the pain that comes with the lie “Something is wrong with me.  I don’t deserve love.”  And no matter what your circumstances are in life, if you tell yourself that crap, AND BELIEVE IT, you’re gonna hurt like a motherf*cker, (no pun intended).

“Okay, so my mom not being around is more of an expression of love, and given her f’ed up mentality, she (consciously or subconsciously) removed herself and her toxic ways from my life in an effort to give me a chance at creating the happy life that has always eluded her.”  That becomes your new, empowering story.

Now, while that shift in perspective is a crucial step in the healing process, it most certainly isn’t the last.  Why?  Because it doesn’t change the fact that there are times in life when you still just want your frickin’ mommy, or hell, even a mommy.  So, what do you do next?  You give to others the very thing you crave.

You want to feel love, guidance, and support?  Find a kid out there who can use it and give it to him or her; or if you have children give it to them.  That way you not only can participate in the loving exchange you’ve always wanted, but you give meaning to the pain you’ve felt over your mother’s absence.  You see, the key to overcoming these challenging situations in life is not to try and get rid of the pain, but to transform it into love.  Notice how your mom walking out has allowed you to value things like reliability and unconditional love more than you might have otherwise?  Well, bring that gain from the situation, not the pain from whatever you think you lost, to your current relationships.  And appreciate the loving relationships you create.  Be present with them.  

Then appreciate the loving, compassionate woman you’ve become as a result of having a mother who could only love you from a distance.  When you do that, the guy you meet and like won’t be turned off by your distant relationship with your mom, but rather inspired by what you’ve done with the tough cards life dealt you, (not to mention grateful to be the beneficiary of the depth of love you developed as a result).

So, to sum it up, (#CheatSheet), my advice is to: (1) let yourself grieve the loss of your ideal mother-daughter relationship, (2) change your abandonment story to one that empowers you, (3) give away whatever you feel you didn’t get and appreciate the exchange while it’s happening, and (4) focus on what you gained in terms of sensitivity and values from your mother’s absence so that the disownment becomes an asset to your future relationships instead of a liability.

Lastly, remember that this is a process.  Some days will be better than others, but before you know it you’ll not only have made peace with your relationship with your mother, but realize that you’re able to do kick-ass stuff like respond to letters from strangers asking you for help on overcoming some of life’s biggest challenges. And all because your mother never fully left you.  Only the 80% dysfunctional side of her did.  The rest of her – the best of her – she left inside of you.  Even if she only had 20% ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Is true love easy and effortless?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

This question is in my head a lot at the moment. I’m struggling to decide if my ex just wasn’t the one, or if we both put walls up and didn’t try hard enough to push through them, (I know I certainly did). 

One month after the breakup, I know where I went wrong, I just wouldn’t “let him in.”  He tried to help me with this, but I was way too careful about protecting myself.  Now that I’ve got nothing left to lose I realize that I should have trusted him and opened up. Maybe things would be different. He was also careful to guard himself, though, but in a different way. There was clearly a lack of communication. I think he was more aware of this than me, at the time anyway.  

When I last spoke to my ex just after the breakup I said, “I know I didn’t try hard enough but I was scared.” He replied, “You shouldn’t have to try.”  Do you agree? 

Does true love just happen?  Should it be easy and effortless, or do you still have to work through some issues?  And if you do, how do you know if the relationship’s one to work on, or one to walk away from? 

-Deep in Thought

 

Dear Deep in Thought,

Good questions!  And given your introspective, what-do-I-need-to-learn-from-this-breakup way of thinking I’d say you’re definitely on track to experiencing the “true love” you seek.  All I hope to do now is help you separate fact from fiction so you can recognize that quality relationship when it’s in front of you. Does true love just happen?  Should the relationship be easy and effortless?  And if relationships do require work, how do you know which one to work on, and which one to walk away from?

To begin with, I feel your pain.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I mention the many “you’re cute and all, but not worth the trouble” wolves – (that’s guys for all you newcomers) – that came in and out of my life.   They’re there for a fun ride, but can’t handle the speed bumps that inevitably occur during the “intimacy freak-out” stage – (that’s when you start to get close, become uncomfortable when more vulnerability and trust is required, and then do something dramatic to create a bit of distance between the two of you in an effort to feel safe and secure again).  “It should be easy,” is usually one of the last things those guys say when everything’s over; and, left feeling like damaged goods from childhood wounds and past relationships, you wonder, “Should it?”

Well, to answer your first question, is true love effortless? YES.  Are relationships? NO.  Now stick with me while I go deep for a second.  (Tee hee, “that’s what he said.”  Okay, serious face.)  “True love,” to be clear, is a force, or energy, or whatever you want to call it, that naturally exists in the universe.  You don’t have to do anything to gain access to it just as you don’t have to do anything for the sun to rise in the morning.  It’s your birthright.  You did nothing to deserve it.  It’s just there.  Enjoy.  One day you’re born, and boom, you can feel love for whatever, and whomever, (including yourself), whenever you’re open to it.  If you’re like most of us you may have developed beliefs about yourself and your fellow human beings that often block your ability to perceive love, but it’s still there.  And the second you let your guard down, forget your hindering story of unworthiness, and accidentally look your pet, child, or dying parent in the eye, bam! You feel it.      

However, when it comes to love relationships, well that’s another story.  Consistently staying open to love and directing it, (through loving actions), towards someone with their own unique set of needs, expectations, and desires requires not only work, but a lot of it.  While you can love anybody, in order to have a mutually loving relationship with someone – involving things like sight, sound, and touch – you both need to come to understand each other in an out, learn what makes the other tick, and develop a game plan on healing whatever wounds you both bring to the table that block the flow of love between the two of you.  So yeah, work, or as you put it “effort,” is involved.  As well as time, understanding, compassion, patience, pain, dedication, some trials by fire, trust, vulnerability…

If you’re wondering how much work, well, the amount of effort involved is directly correlated to how prepared and experienced each person is in the process of cultivating love.  The more experience both people have at loving themselves and others before they enter the relationship the smoother things will be. (And as “practice makes progress” most past and – gulp – current relationships serve as that experience.)  But no pain, no gain.  So no matter how good at “loving” either party is coming in, if anyone is to grow from their current state and experience the deeper love your specific union offers, both people can expect to encounter some “growing pains” as conflicting beliefs or habits are exposed and shed. 

And now for your other brilliant question, “How do you know if you’re in a relationship that’s worth working on, or one you should walk away from?” Well, you stay when what’s being asked of you is something that will allow you to experience love in a deeper way, and you go when there’s no more room for growth.  

If staying means that you have the opportunity to practice letting go of a behavior and/or belief that has previously prevented you from experiencing intimacy and love in a safe environment, unpack your bags, put on some tea, and get to talkin’.  Conversely, it’s time to go when staying feels like stagnation or regression.  When the solution to whatever issue you two are having won’t help you to experience love in a deeper and fuller way, go.  Even if it just feels like something’s off.  Go.  Deep down you know what’s good for you.  And since there will always be another opportunity to grow in love you risk nothing when trusting yourself.  Your gut will never steer you wrong.

Lastly, on the journey to your amazing love affair, it’s important to remember that “Everything that has left you couldn’t stay, and everything that has stayed couldn’t leave you.”  You’ve lost nothing and no one necessary to fulfill your purpose and live the life of your dreams.  You’ve only gained things, like clarity.  Stay open to love.  And stay committed to loving yourself.  When you do that you’ll attract someone who will also love you, and he will stick.  No amount of trouble you give him will be able to drive him away – (trust me, I know).  He’ll be well-equipped for it.  Winston Churchill said, “I like a man who grins when he fights,” and it is that man, NOT the one who says, “it’s supposed to be easy,” who will stick it out with you, fight past you guys’ demons with you, and help co-create a loving relationship with you.  So chin up, girl.  True love is on its way.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Help! I’m torn between two guys! Which one do I choose?

tashacaufield3 Comments
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Neither look like Channing? Read on…

Dear Megan,

I am going crazy because I have no one to talk to and no idea what to do. I have been best friends with who I’ll call “C” for a few years and we are very close. About a year ago he confessed that he was in love with me, however I had just started dating my current boyfriend, “T”. So fast forward to now, C is still in love with me, we work together and hang out all the time and he is my true best friend, and he is deeply in love with me still and tries every way he can to be with me.

My boyfriend and I live together and he is great. He is handsome and tall, and we have great sex and don’t fight much. However, in the beginning of our relationship we did have problems because he lied to me and talked to other girls, but that ended and hasn’t been going on for over a year now. Bottom line is, I am torn because I have developed feelings for C and they just keep getting stronger, to the point where I have considered breaking up with T… But every time I try to break up with him, I feel horrible and think of all the good things and I wonder why I’m even doing this. But then later I regret not breaking up with him because I see C and talk to him and I just want to kiss him so bad.

I don’t know which man I will be happier with, and I don’t know how I will ever decide. I don’t want to make a mistake because I will lose one of them no matter what 😦

-Torn

 

Dear “Torn,”

“Oh no, I have two guys fawning over me!  How ever do I choose?”  Lol.  Life’s so hard, isn’t it?  Haha.  But seriously, “Torn,” I feel you.  For those of us who know that there are a ton of nice, eligible bachelors out there this is, indeed, our reality.  And the question then becomes, as you’ve stated, “How do I know which one I’ll be happier with so that I can pick the right one?”

In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” my girls say, “it takes a village,” and it seems that you’re dabbling in that philosophy, as well.  You’ve got one need, (your emotional need), being met by a wolf, er, guy, (sorry, old habit), who’s masquerading as a best friend; and another need, (your physical need), being met by your boyfriend.  On the surface it sounds like one connection is deep and the other is superficial, but I’m not convinced that that’s the case given the fact that your best friend’s conflict-causing agenda leaves little room for soul satisfaction; and the details you didn’t provide about “the good things” you have with your current boyfriend may, in fact, be very meaningful.  At any rate, I’ll just do what I was probably going to do anyway, and that’s teach you how to fish.

When torn between two guys, it’s first important to get clear on what you want in life and in a relationship, (and I’ll explain why later).  Imagine the best version of yourself.  You living out your dreams and doing things you find very fulfilling, things that feel good.  Now, which guy do you see by your side helping you brainstorm solutions to problems that come up, celebrating your victories, and carrying you through moments of let-down and doubt?

And since the flow of love is not just about receiving but giving, you’ll also want to look at which guy has a vision for his life, as well as a decision-making process you respect, that you can get behind.

You should also want to touch, and by touch I mean tooouucchhhh, your man; but know that “decent” sex-lives can get better, while shared visions and mutual respect are either there or they aren’t.

With all that said, if you want to live “happily ever after,” the most important thing to look for in a man you have chemistry with is, not just a willingness, but a capacity to do the hard work relationships require for growth over time.  Does he meet relationship challenges, (not just work-related ones), head on; or does he run for the hills or avoid?  Most guys are great during the fun times, but for you to make it through the tough times you’ll have to have someone who’s committed.  Right now you know more about how your boyfriend handles conflict, and him changing his untrustworthy ways in the beginning of your relationship is a good sign that he knows how to take ownership and adjust his behavior for the sake of a relationship.  Your best friend may also be a committed guy, but you won’t know that until you actually date him.

Which brings me back to why your first assignment is getting clear on who you are.  You see, your real question, “Should I leave a good relationship for one that might be better for me?” is a question you can ask in any relationship – (even one you might take up with your current best friend) – until infinity.  So the goal is really to get so in touch with yourself that your dream guy becomes as clear to you as your dream career, or your dream house, vacation, best friend, etc.  You then eliminate the notion of a “better” partner, and become left with – dare I say it – an unmistakable soul mate…  “This is my man,” you’ll be able to proudly declare. “This is the one who is in harmony with my soul and my deepest desires.”  And from that standpoint either a guy will fit the bill or he won’t.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

So get clear on who you are, “Torn,” and you’ll see that the guy you end up with was never an option, but, in fact, The One.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Ugh, My boyfriend wants to start splitting the bill!

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

Okay, I’ll try to keep this short and sweet. Last night my boyfriend and I had a discussion about our financial situations. We’re both in our 20’s and he makes more money than I do. We’ve been dating for almost 7 months. We’re both trying to build up our savings. I have a ton of bills, he has none because his family company pays for them. We live in the Deep South so the man paying for meals and dinners is more of a common thing, (as it should be right?), almost expected.

Well, last night he asked me to start splitting checks for meals and dinners. We split things very rarely. I agreed even though I felt uncomfortable about him asking me to do that. He said he felt bad about asking me to do that because he knows my financial situation and he feels obligated to pay for dinners. Literally an hour after this conversation he says he’s going to get sushi! I was mind blown. He then asked me if I was going to eat and I told him no because I just cooked at home. I went to spend time with him, but I sat there and watched him eat sushi right in front of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a spoiled brat, nor am I expecting anything from him. I’m very independent. But I also expect my boyfriend to pay for dates. We only go on dates once a weekend. So 4 times a month and they’re never really expensive. I mean after all, we aren’t just friends. I feel like his priorities are sort of mixed up. It seems to me like he would rather spend money on himself and make me pay for my meal, rather than eat at home and save money like he said he’s wanting to do. I’m super confused on his thought process. He says he’s wanting to save money, but then he’ll go out to eat and buy this and that without batting an eye, yet he doesn’t want to pay for both of us when we go to eat. I haven’t talked to him about it yet. By the way, I am totally okay with us cooking at home together. I’d rather do that than go out and spend money on food!

Am I crazy for feeling this way?

-Damsel in Dutch Distress

 

Dear “Damsel in Dutch Distress”

There are many men out there who view their role in a relationship as financial providers and laugh when you pull out your wallet when the bill comes – unfortunately for you your boyfriend is not one of them. And to answer your question: Am I right for not wanting to split the bill? Well, yes and no. You’re not wrong for wanting your beau to pay for you when out on dates. But the rub lies in wanting this beau to pay for you when out on dates.

You see, when it comes to this guy, his priorities aren’t mixed up. (He wants to save money, like you, and has decided that the way to do so is to get you to pay your own way when out on dates.) Your priorities, on the other hand, are. You’d rather make him feel comfortable than enforce your standard of old-fashioned chivalry.

Oh, if only I could donate to you a free meal for every man I begged to become what I wanted opposed to just partnering with one who shared similar views and expectations. You’d be set for a while! Don’t feel you have to shoulder all the blame for your current predicament, though, as this was a case of bait and switch. He picked up the bill the first few months, and now that he’s got you he’s hoping your feelings for him will excuse him from your standards. Your willingness to work with him would be admirable had his financial situation become dire. That’s the stuff true partnerships are made of. And in your case you might be the only one of the two of you who gets that.

Now, do you have to have a conversation with your man about this whole thing? Yes, but first you must make peace with your standards. If you ask the peanut gallery (i.e. those of us on the internet and the women at the hair salon), you’ll get a plethora of opinions, all shaped from others’ life experiences, values, beliefs, etc., but the only person who gets to decide what goes on in your life is you. You know what feels good and right to you and what doesn’t, and if not having to worry about money when your man is around is something you value then don’t back down from that desire for anyone, not even your current beau.

When you let your boyfriend know what type of woman you are he’ll either withdraw from his current stance and return to picking up the checks, or he’ll decide he rather be with someone he can go Dutch with on dates, which will free you up to be with someone closer to your tastes. Either way, at least one of you will be holding true to his or heart’s desires. Why let it just be him?

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

I’m scared I’m going to cheat! What do I do??

tashacaufield2 Comments

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Dear Megan,

I’ve been dating the most amazing guy for almost 11 months now – (gay relationship, btw). I’ve never met anyone who I’ve been more compatible with on an emotional level. We have great conversations, have never argued, he’s very affectionate and romantic, and I’ve never doubted for one second how he feels about me. We even moved in together a couple months ago, and it’s been great.

The problem is that the frequency of sex has declined since we’ve moved in. When we didn’t live together we used to have sex maybe 3-4 times a week. However, the last time we’ve had sex is a week-and-a-half ago, and a week before that. The quality of the sex is still amazing. But we’re just not doing it a lot, and so my needs are not fully being met. When I was single, I had a few friends with benefits, (FWB), so sex was never an issue for me. When I became exclusive with my current boyfriend, I cut off all my FWBs. However, I currently find myself fantasizing about them frequently and have been fighting the urge to send one of them a message.

I haven’t discussed this with him as we still kiss and make out, and, again, we’re both very affectionate. So I wouldn’t necessarily say we’re roommates, lol. It’s just that I’ve never been in a relationship where sex was this infrequent. This has been my longest relationship, so I’m not sure if this is a thing, either.

I’ve never cheated in my life, although I’ve been cheated on once before. I’ve been in an open relationship before. I didn’t really enjoy it, although one benefit is that it did make me less jealous in that it desensitized me seeing my ex message or interact with other guys. But I know for a fact that my current bf is too traditional for that.

Help! I don’t want to do cheat, but I feel I may slip up. How can I go about this?

-Potential Cheater

 

Dear Potential Cheater,

I so wanna quote my favorite movie, (“Cool Hand Luke”), and say, “What we got here is a failure to communicate,” but we got soooo much more than that. So I’ll quote me and say, “What we got here is a failure to commit,” (or what’s more popularly known as a “commitment issue.”) And once you get past that issue my advice would be to just talk to him, find out what each other’s turn ons are, and develop a game plan for implementing them to get your freak on more often. But first let’s deal with your commitment issue.

So you’ve done some things that suggest you want a committed, monogamous relationship. You two verbally committed to each other, and you even moved in together; but now, my friend, you have to make the decision to mentally, spiritually, and emotionally commit to your partner if you don’t want to cheat. And that is going to take a level of vulnerability you haven’t had to entertain in your shorter and open relationships.

To commit on that deeper lever you’re first going to have to get honest about how ready you are for a monogamous relationship. Take an inventory of your last relationships and go over what you liked and didn’t like. What dream relationship have your former relationships helped you create? Then, write down your vision for the relationship you want, share it with your partner to make sure you two are on the same page, and commit to your role in carrying out that vision.

I can name a million and one reasons that support a committed, monogamous relationship; but the truth of the matter is that if you don’t want, or are not ready for, that type of commitment you’ll just keep torturing yourself with split energy every freakin’ day you wake up. Commitments to others require a willingness and ability to making decisions with their well-being in mind; and while most of us like the benefits of committed relationships, not all of us are willing or ready to pay that price.

The good news is that if you find that you’re still in your exploratory phase and want to sleep with other people not cheating is really easy. You simply break up with the person you’re with first and “voila!” You, once again, dodge the cheater label, (along with a potential ass-whoopin’). However, if you find that you are, indeed, ready for a committed, monogamous relationship all it takes is a choice to do the things that honor your vision during moments of doubt. Don’t beat yourself up over unfaithful thoughts or moments when you want to bail. In the end it’s the actions we choose that determine how good of a partner we are to our significant others. Doubts and other challenges are inevitable, but you win when you show commitment to your vision.

So get honest with yourself about what season you’re in in your life. Are you in one where you still play with others, one where you commit to one, or maybe even one where you seek out some sort of mix of the two? Then continue your tradition of doing right by yourself, and the people who enter your world.

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in more on creating a cheat-proof relationship, feel free to check out this article!

Already cheated and want help coming clean?  Click here!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

She’s got trust issues and wants to be “just friends.” Will I get stuck in the friend zone?

tashacaufield4 Comments

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Dear Megan,

I met this girl 3 months ago at my buddies wedding. We slept together the first night and had a “fling” for about 10 days. Spent a lot of time together and connected emotionally.  I went back home to my country and we kept in touch daily for the last 3 months. Sharing stories, photos, I love you’s.

She is an attractive model with her own dating site as a dating coach and gets hit on constantly, but she chose to give me a chance.  However, I was acting aloof and mysterious and fun when I met her.  Over time, I became too needy, “fell for her”, sent her too many gifts and professed my love to her too soon, too much. She recently backed off the last month. Less texting on her part.

A few days ago, I went back to see her in her country, to see if there was anything left. My best friend lives in the same country so it’s a dual-purpose visit. She and I spent the night together at my hotel, but no sexual intercourse together. We just talked all night long.

She said she couldn’t trust me and men, because they all seem to just want to sleep with her and not really care about her.  Plus, she’s been adopted and never had a father in her life.

So she felt even more distant towards me/men. She said she really likes me. Wants us to be close and friends.

Since I was acting needy too, she told me she wants a Strong man in her life. But just not right now, as she is focused on her career and doesn’t want any relationships right now.  She kept saying that she is very attracted to me when I act strong, though. It felt like she was giving me instructions on how to win her over, in time. She even told me she told her brother about me, who she is very close to.

What I felt she was telling me was, basically, man up, don’t act too needy, don’t over-pursue her, give her time, be patient, be her friend… Then we could possibly pursue something in the future.

She said a ton of guys hit on her daily but I “won” her over. I was different. She saw potential in me to be great. She had posted a dating video on her site and in 3 days, received over 100,000 views. Plus, she showed me her phone and how many guys messaged her daily. It was overwhelming.

The last communication I had with her was I texted her a few hours after she left.  I told her I’m going to take a break from her and us. Go work on my insecurities, and re-connect with her in the future. She said, “Yes, definitely. Thank you for all your love.”

My question is: If I just be her friend, and not try to pursue her romantically, will that help me in the long run? I really do care about her. She has had a rough upbringing and I respect the hell out of her and do wish that we can be together in the future… Even if it does take time.

I can see why she doesn’t trust men, so I can agree to just being friends for now, but on the flip side, I don’t want to be friend-zoned forever.

Thanks for reading.

-Mr. Friend-zoned

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Mr. Friend-zoned,”

Ahhh, sex symbols and the men who love them…  God bless ya.  Now on to your question: “If I just be her friend, and not try to pursue her romantically, will that help me in the long run?”

I hate to tell you this, Mr. Friend-zoned, but friends don’t have hidden agendas, so what you’re really asking is, “How far will pretending that I don’t have a romantic interest in this girl get me?”  And that I can answer.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” this sort of unintentional, yet long-term deceit – which plays right into her trust issues, by the way – would classify you as a gentleman wolf.  (Don’t worry, there are worse.)  I’ve been in this situation many ‘a times, and it always reminds me of one of the baddest boys I ever dated.  His catch phrase to me was, “But you like that, don’t you?”  Anytime I complained about his behavior he let me know that my sticking around was a vote for more of the same.  The way he saw it was that if I didn’t leave I must like it.  I had no better teacher in weaning myself off of bad boys than him.  (If only we could all be so lucky!)

And now, the girl you believe you have fallen in love with, is asking you to become one of the “bad guys,” or be doomed to the dreaded friend zone…  “Act aloof,” she encourages you, (and undoubtedly her dating site pupils), in your quest to gain the heart of an emotionally unavailable woman.  “Be distant – like my father.”  Her instructions on how you get past her trust issues and into a relationship with her are the result of her trying to have a relationship with her father, not you.  So the real thing you have to figure out is this:  Do I want to learn to act like a man who left his little girl and scarred her emotionally, or do I want to continue to be the outwardly expressive, loving guy I am, and hope that she comes around.  (Only slightly rhetorical, right?)

You two are both nice, semi-self-aware people, (like the best of us), you just got a shitty situation to deal with.  In relationships, many people want what they have yet to figure out how to create.  Yes, she may have spotted your good heart and intentions, and want a loving relationship with you, but asking you to act less loving only shows that she is not yet capable of creating one.   So in the meantime she’s asked you to be her friend.  If you can’t act like the bad boy she thought you were in the beginning, then you can at least stick around for when she hopefully tires of them and can better receive you.  And you want to know the chances of her coming back around and settling down with you? (Drumroll, please.)   33%…  Hope that helps!

For one, you’d have to wait a while as the fact that her asking you to tone down your love, (opposed to her rising up to it), shows that she’s still a ways off from being able to receive you.  And given how many men she’ll eat in the meantime, your flame has little chance of surviving.  Furthermore, in the end if she did choose you the whole thing would reek of settling, so she’ll probably do you both a solid and just get some fresh meat to avoid the stench. There is a slight chance that she’ll ultimately pick you, though, as anything is possible when – like a high-profile industry – you’ve got your foot in the door.

It’s amazingly insightful of you to gather that you may want to work on your insecurities from your interaction with her.  Most wolves, er, guys, I’ve dealt with get so caught up in flattery that they fail to examine why they’re willing to do so much for it.  “There’s a lid for every pot,” and if I’m being totally honest I’d encourage you to choose someone who’s fueled by your love, not someone who finds it draining.  And since you’ve got a taste for “bad girl blood” now, feel free to ignore anything we say and just watch what we do.  You’ve found The One when you have no need to consult others on your chances of things working out ;).

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Help! I’m in the perfect relationship but can’t get over the age difference!

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I can’t seem to get past our 14 year age difference. I’m 30, he’s 44. He was my boss for a year and a half before we started dating about 10 months ago. He’s funny, caring, great in bed, understanding and would literally do anything for me. When I first started seeing him, I kept looking for a catch because how could he be so sweet and perfect and never been married? He has no kids and neither have I. I want kids. I told him this right off the bat and he was all for it. I asked him why he’d never had kids and he said it just didn’t happen but he is open to it, he just hadn’t thought too much about it.

Long story short, we spent 10 wonderful months together. Probably the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. I can’t stress what an amazing man he is. I love him. So naturally I broke up with him 4 days ago because no matter what I do I have not gotten past the fact that he is 14 years older. And he could not have been sweater or more understanding about it. When I asked him if he was angry at me he said “Absolutely not. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone. I’m heartbroken, disappointed, but there is no anger toward you. All I ever wanted was your happiness.” It was heart-wrenching. Didn’t make this any easier.

We are both adults. It’s not like I’m 20 and he’s 35, but ever since we got together I have not fully been able to get past the age thing. I only pushed it aside because he was so good to me and made it easy to forget that there was an age gap. Still the thought that he might die before me made me anxious. My father was 45 when I was born, and I love him to death, but it was sometimes very different growing up with an “older” dad, and not always in a good way. I’m not positive I want my kids to have an “older” dad like I did— OR is this completely insane and irrational?? I know I should not feel this way, especially after 10 months of dating AND because I’m 30, not a child, AND he would marry me and knock me up tomorrow if I asked him to . I guess I thought the feeling would subside by now and when it didn’t I realized I would have to break up with him before I got more attached (although I’m not sure that’d be possible). So I did last week and I’ve been a wreck ever since. So has he.

My question is, am I being crazy? Is 14 years too much? I should not be so hung up on this, especially because it’s ridiculous to assume that just because he’s older he’s going to go before me. I know how insane I sound. Especially because WHY do I worry about what MIGHT happen in the future if I am happy in the present? I don’t know! But I worried about it enough to break the heart of someone I love and who loves me beyond words. I have never been put in a situation (or put myself in that situation) before and it’s affecting me deeper than I thought it would.  I’m looking for some feedback.  Tell me to get a grip or SOMETHING because I just broke up with a one in a million man simply because of our age difference…. but I’m just as heart broken as if I had been dumped!

Thanks,

-Feeling Crazy

 

Dear “Feeling Crazy,”

For Christ’s sake, it’s not like you asking for a guy to be a centaur (half-man half-horse), you just want him to be closer to your age! Lol…  Okay, let me slow it down…  First, let me say that everything you are experiencing is perfectly normal.  And you are right to point out that at 30-years-old, when you’re more aware of who you are, and what you want (and want to give) in a love relationship, you’re most likely mature enough to be able to date an eighty-year-old and not be taken advantage of.  However, I believe that what you are really torn up about is not the age difference at all, but the fact that you feel you can’t trust yourself in picking a suitable mate.  And that’s what I want to help you reconcile.

I’ve been in several “May-December” relationships; and, like your guy, most of them treated me better than any fairy tale I could have ever conjured up.  However, love isn’t about grabbing on to a random guy who treats you amazingly well and holding on for dear life.  That’s “lack-based thinking” (e.g. “There aren’t many good ones out there,” or “All the good ones are taken.”)  You want to shift to “abundance-based thinking,” where there are plenty of great guys out there, (so turn off your TV), and all you gotta do is pick the one your pretty little heart desires (and add “I’ll know it with every fiber in my being” to your wish list, por favor.)  Otherwise, with lack-based thinking you’ll find yourself constantly fighting to free yourself from a fear-based love life.  And who wants to spend an entire relationship asking the peanut gallery, (i.e those of us on the internet, co-workers, and the bored homeless guy outside the grocery store), to remind you how good you have it so you stay; or worse, looking at other guys/couples and wondering if you threw in the towel too soon.

In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” I talk about the dilemma of using your head versus your heart, and how in reality the two can work together.  This is a great example of that.  Your brain is telling you that you want great treatment and love from a guy close to your age.  But your brain can only take you so far as contradictory thoughts (i.e. doubts) are sure to make their way in.  Now you think you’re silly for wanting someone closer to your age, and even trying to rationalize it with concerns of abandonment via death or giving your child a dad with old, washed up balls, etc; but in reality the heart wants what the heart wants.  Your desires are directly linked to your unique destiny, not anyone else’s, so quit making yourself wrong and trust yourself.  When you trust yourself, you’re trusting in the wisdom that created you.  You may not know why you want something, but wanting it is enough.

I might be telling you something different if the age difference never bothered you, and you were, say, doing something sneaky like making up a problem to avoid intimacy.  However, you said you were never comfortable with it but pushed it aside in hopes that you, basically, would come to want something different.  We’ve all heard stories of times when that happened to people, so I don’t blame you for trying, but, tough shit, nothing happened.  It’s okay to want a guy closer to your age, and I wouldn’t try to talk you into staying with this 44-year-old anymore than I would an 88-year-old who also treated you well.  And if for some reason your heart does, in fact, want this 44-year-old man, guess what, his age won’t matter.  Let your brain digest that, and get on board with your heart.

Additionally, I’d like you to know that the process of dating is a honing process where, if you’re doing it right, the closer you get to knowing and receiving what you like the tougher the breakups will be.  But don’t worry, when you get to the right one he will stick.  Wild horses won’t be able to keep you two apart.  In choosing someone loving and kind you’ve already shown yourself that you know how to honor your heart’s desires so why stop at “he treats me good and is willing to give me babies.”  You deserve, and can have, more than that.  And as I said in the beginning, it’s not like you’re asking that your dream guy be Justin Bieber (as that’s impossible since he’s taken by me), you just want the dude to be at a similar stage in life as you.

Just because this wonderful man has come into your life and shown you that there are guys out there who will treat you as you desire doesn’t mean you have to pledge your life and love to him.  So thank him and go get your man!  You’re so close already!  You’ve done most of the hard work by setting your standard for great treatment, now all you have to do is be open to receiving it from the young, mysterious guy who currently resides in your heart.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.