Tag: relationships

To settle or not to settle? Gay/bi man on dating women. Help!

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

I’m not able to find much of this on the internet as most searches direct me to gay men married to women who don’t know their husbands are gay, and my question is about gay/bi men who ultimately decide to date women again.  So hopefully you can help.

I’m gay. I find women attractive, and enjoy sex with them, but my preference is for men by far. I would like to find a man to share my life with, but since starting to come out a few years ago I’ve had a difficult time finding a guy that knocks me off my feet. I have a female friend – she’s a coworker, close friend, and we actually briefly dated- who knows I’m gay. She’s been trying to date and is having a horrible time meeting the right guy, as well. We’re both in our 30s. We’re both looking, unsuccessfully.

We’re both lonely. We share a lot of values and goals. We have a lot in common as far as friends, lifestyle, and coworkers go. But I don’t know what kind of passionate sex would be there… Would it be crazy to entertain dating her if I’m honest with her?

I acknowledge that this could be playing with fire. I’m more curious if this is a pattern that others have observed. Lonely gay man and lonely straight female find love and companionship in each other. I don’t want to call it a marriage of convenience, but after a long conversation with her today about our trials and tribulations with dating, it crossed my mind and got me wondering…  Thoughts?

-Don’t Call Me Will Truman

 

Dear “Don’t Call Me Will Truman,”

Wowzers.  It’s not every day I get to introduce a gay man to WAG (“Will & Grace”), but I can assure you that if you binge watch the 1998-2006 revolutionary hit sitcom this weekend you’ll have your answer…  But perhaps you want a more personal response than a lazy “Now, remember kids, what did TV teach you?” one, so here it goes.

According to you, you’d like to find a man to share your life with but can’t seem to meet a wolf that knocks you off your feet.  In comes your female coworker friend.  You get along well… you’re both in the same boat… you have similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc… and now it’s got you thinking, “Maybe we should just be together…”

No, you’re not crazy to entertain the thought.  For, gay or straight, your logic has taken you to the same place everyone who gets tired of dating ends up, and it’s called the land of settling…  To settle or not to settle, that, indeed, is the question.

Interestingly, the answer to your question of settling is two-fold.  When it comes to whether or not you should pursue your female coworker friend, the answer is no.  Why?  Because you declared that you want to share your life with a man.  Period.  End of story.  Thanks for coming.  It’s been fun.  (Hey, don’t get mad at me that you let a clear desire slip from your pen and I refused to overlook it in your state of confusion…  But alright, you got me. There’s more.  After all, I did say the answer was two-fold…)

However, you are right in letting this female friend run interference in your love life.  You see, not only have you given yourself an awesome partner to help combat your loneliness and do “couple stuff” with while you wait for Mr. Right, but you’ve allowed yourself to see that you’re capable and ready to be more open in your dating criteria and, well, let’s just say, “adjust” your standards.  With that knowledge, you can then extend the criteria you used to consider settling down with this female coworker to men instead of limiting Mr. Right to someone who knocks you off your feet.

When you focus on cultivating more friendships, like the one you’ve developed with your coworker, with men, you’ll increase your chances of meeting like-minded souls with similar values, goals, friends, lifestyles, etc., who also fit your desire to share your life with a man.  And, don’t worry, you don’t have to give up your desire to be with someone who knocks you off of your feet, just know that “knocked off your feet” moments don’t always come in the beginning.  Sometimes they come after you’ve already started to get to know someone, and sometimes they even take a couple years!  Hence the surprise.

So, do follow the criteria you have with your coworker and “settle” for a deeper connection with the man you see yourself sharing your life with when you close your eyes.  And don’t let dating fatigue discourage you from starting fresh, staying open, and enjoying the harmonious relationships you’ve cultivated in your life thus far…  At least until you’re 87.  Settle all you want then.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Should we break up over “cheating” before we were official?

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

Before my boyfriend and I “officially” became a couple, we spent a year getting to know each other. During this period we were intimate, so I wasn’t dating any other guys and was pretty serious about building a relationship with him. During most of this period, however, I ended up finding out that he was dating several girls, being intimate with all of them, and deceiving all of them by not telling any of us he was also hooking up with other girls. Basically, he was a Player.

However, as time went on, him and I became very, very close; and I was sure that he had stopped talking to all the other girls because he told me “he wasn’t pursuing anyone else,” and a couple months later he asked me to be his girlfriend. And we have had the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship for the last year and a half.

So, yesterday I found out that during the couple months right before we officially became a couple, he in fact WAS still seeing other girls. “Not pursuing anyone” meant that he wasn’t hooking up with anyone new, just the same old lineup. What’s worse, I found out he was hooking up with his best friend’s girlfriend, who is my friend too!

Here is my dilemma: We have had the most wonderful relationship since we became a couple. He wants to marry me, and I know he would never cheat on me. But constantly finding out about more and more girls that he hooked up with while we were dating really bothers me and has put a strain on the relationship. Especially recently finding out about him hooking up with other girls during the period I thought we were exclusive.

It hurts me because I didn’t know he was the type of person that would do that, especially with his best friend’s girlfriend. He apologizes endlessly, but says that since we weren’t “official,” it’s irrelevant. However, I feel that if I knew about all his deceitful actions at the time, I would have ended it then and we wouldn’t be in this great relationship we have today.  

So, should I break up with him over things he did before we were officially a couple? It REALLY bothers me, and I feel like I don’t want to be with someone that could have done that to me, even though things are so much different now. I feel like enough is enough. There have been plenty of opportunities during our relationship to tell me everything, but I still keep finding out more and more. I don’t really trust him anymore, and feel like our relationship was built on lies and deceit. I feel like I want to end the relationship over this, but is that unfair?

-Feeling Duped

 

Dear “Feeling Duped,”

Excuse me as I place a stethoscope around my neck, shine a small flashlight into your ear, hold your tongue, and make you say “Ahhh…” Yep, see this all the time… What we have here is a classic case of “Girl who wanted real exclusivity, settled for a vague expression of one, and got hurt when she later found out that she, in fact, wasn’t her one-and-only’s one-and-only.” Okay, you can put your tongue back in.

Now, let’s get the obvious out of the way before getting to the nitty gritty of your dilemma. As your question suggests, you already know that unless a guy specifically asks for exclusivity, or for you to be his gIrLfRiEnD, (tee hee), you both are free to entertain other lads and lasses as you please. (And if you want things to be extra clear, it’s always nice to even state that expectation – you know, that he’ll have to ask for exclusivity – upfront, once you two realize you’re starting to like each other.)

So, since we here at sex symbol central know to NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING, you know this wolf technically didn’t do anything wrong. Hell, he may have even done something RIGHT, as, according to you, your ignorance of what he was doing allowed you two to have “the most wonderful, loyal, perfect relationship” for the last year and a half.

However, fact remains that now you’re not only not-so-ignorant of his past behavior, you’re even repulsed by it. And to answer your question, I can confidently say, no, it is not unfair to want to break up with him over things he’s done in the past.

Just because someone technically didn’t do something wrong doesn’t mean that you have to like what they did. And given what you know today, it’s totally okay for you to question if this is someone you want to be with.

Do you want to be with someone who sleeps with his best friend’s girlfriend?

Do you want to be with someone who uses lawyer-like tactics to get out of being completely open and honest with you about what he’s doing?

Do you want to be with someone who doesn’t view sexual intimacy as sacredly as you do?

You’re totally entitled to re-evaluate the relationship based on what you now know.

However, since you already have a relationship you enjoy, and none are perfect, (despite your earlier claim), you may want to just use what you now know to create some new agreements and clarify expectations that were never articulated up until this point.

If you choose that route, you’ll want to make sure it’s clear to him that you want him to be open and upfront about what he’s doing, and that withholding information will not suffice as a form of truth in your book.

When it comes to addressing his promiscuity in the months post-“vague” exclusivity, pre-“official” exclusivity, you’re first going to have to accept it as the price you have to pay for allowing a vague expression of exclusivity to get past you – I know, bummer – and second, learn from it. Reiterate your new agreement for a clear, “full-disclosure” form of communicating that honors the “intent of the law,” not the letter of it, and be prepared to stand by whatever consequence you two agree on for violation of your agreement.

Lastly, when it comes to sleeping with his best friend’s girlfriend, well, you’ll want to further pick his brain there. If his best friend gave him the thumbs up, then, while many loyal wolves would have probably still steered clear, he’s once again only guilty of having an approach to sex that leaves a bad taste in your mouth. If, however, this was a betrayal on his part, you’ll want to hear him out so you gain insight into his views on loyalty and see if they align with your own.

I say all this to not only remind you that you have legitimate options, but to help you to realize that ultimately the right choice is dependent on how you feel. Consequently, the only decision you have to make is to simply do what feels better. If staying with him, creating new agreements, and learning to accept a less than picture-perfect past feels good, do that. If walking away and holding out for someone you believe you can co-create a more open and honest foundation with, and whose approach to sex and relationships/friendships is one that aligns more with your own values feels better, do that.

At the end of the day, it’s important to trust your intuition, even if you can’t rationalize it. After all, unlike lovers, it doesn’t need an “official” agreement to always have your back ;). Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in creating a cheat-proof relationship from here, feel free to check out this article!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

As a guy, should I state my income on online dating profiles?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

So I decided I’m gonna try online dating, and here’s my important question – do I put my income on there??

Sites like Match.com have a section for it, and I’ve read in a study that men who make over $100k-$150K are 10 times more likely to receive responses on dating sites. I work in sales, where the average income in my industry is 40K, so just putting the field I’m in could be misleading as I make significantly more than that.

I’m not worried about attracting gold diggers – I’m very good at judging people and their behavior. And I don’t want somebody high maintenance. A super cute and sweet girl-next-door, teacher-type who makes around $60k a year would be perfect. I don’t want anybody who works crazy hours. Someone with a 9-5 would be great as I work way too much, myself.

I’m only going to go out with women who are super nice/super sweet, but surely even super nice girls want a very successful/kind/loyal man? Who wants to get married to a guy who can’t afford a comfortable lifestyle?? What do you think?

-State to Get a Date?

 

Dear “State to Get a Date?,”

Welp, it seems like you’ve already gotten it all figured out, “State!” According to the study you read, you already know that you should state your income if: (1) you make over a certain amount, and (2) you want more responses… Oh, but wait. (My eyes are squinting now) … Perhaps you’re asking me for something that study didn’t provide… Like whether stating your income will increase your chances of hearing back from “super cute” and “super sweet” girls, (who just so happen to not be gold-diggers)…

Ah, well if that’s the case kudos to you for looking beyond the statistics and staying focused on nabbing the girl you want, not just many girls. For in the world of online dating if you’re looking for a more authentic, soul-to-soul connection, you have to be willing to trade quantity for quality. And that means creating a profile, long or short, that reflects your soul’s deepest desires. Your profile should be tailor-made for your soulmate. And quite possibly so unique it gets you a “10x less” response rate.

So, with that said, will stating your (high) income range in the assigned section of your profile increase your chances of hearing back from the super cute and super sweet girls you want to date? Yes. (Provided you have a “typical” profile.)

You see, sweet girls are a dime a dozen. Many of us are nurturers by nature who can be heard uttering the word “awww…” at least once a day. But when you throw the criteria of “super cute” into your wish list, well, now you’re entering elite territory.

I don’t know why – perhaps God did it to level the playing field for average-looking girls, or maybe it’s a girl’s natural reaction to a life of “pretty privilege” – but, often, the cuter we get, the not-so-consistently nice, (and sometimes even crazier), we get.

Consequently, the pool of “super-hot girls who volunteer at the local animal shelter and genuinely want to know how your day went” is pretty small, while the line for them remains exceptionally long. Therefore, to stand out in the crowd, you’re going to want to pull every “attractive-trait” card you have, including the one that says you can “afford a comfortable lifestyle.” For while most women don’t require a man make a certain amount of money, the truth of the matter is that having a high income is still an attractive trait, which is what the “10x more responses” statistic reflects.

HOWEVER, if you don’t want a super cute, super sweet girl who over-values what’s in your wallet, (aka a “gold digger”), you mustn’t either. List it, knowing it’s an attractive attribute to partnering with you, but in all your interactions focus on promoting the other traits you have to offer, like your kindness and loyalty, in order to attract girls who are looking for more.

And to further get your high quality, sweet and lovely Belle, you must also reign in any shallowness on your part and not over-value her looks. Appreciate her beauty, but dig deep to discover her interests, passions, and values. After all, cute and sweet aren’t attributes that will love you through thick and thin – (although you might get a good “awww…” for an unfortunate situation) – but compassionate, honest, and loyal attributes will, so focus on those.

So, yeah, go ahead and list your “ballin’ out” income to increase your appeal amongst your target demographic of ladies. But remember, money can’t buy you love, so don’t oversell it. Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

 

Should I make the first move on a guy I’m interested in?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

So, there’s a guy, (30), that I’ve been interested in for some time now, (I’m 23). We’ve known each other for about 8 years, but have never been close or anything. I always found him attractive but never pursued anything until earlier this year when we ran into each other randomly and decided to grab lunch together. We talked and got to know each other a little better and I realized he and I have so much in common and that we have very similar personalities.

We communicate more than we used to now, mostly over Facebook, but it hasn’t become flirtatious or anything. He comments on pretty much every one of my posts, and people are always asking me “who is that guy who’s all over your Facebook page?”

He and I have both been single for quite a while, but I know that both of us are looking to get back out into the dating world. I don’t know if he’s interested, but I think even if he isn’t now, he might be if he knew I was interested in him…

I asked him to help me out with my blog because he’s good at that kind of stuff, and he said he’d love to, so we’re going to be doing that next week, and I’m considering asking him if he’d like to grab dinner or a drink afterwards… not necessarily a date, but at the very least an excuse to spend more time getting to know each other. But I’m afraid that might be too forward.

In my experience, whenever I’ve pursued a man or tried being direct about my interest in them, they get scared off, even if they already liked me… It’s like they immediately lose interest if winning someone over is no longer a challenge. So now I’m deathly afraid of making my interest known, and I feel like as the woman I have to just sit around and wait for men to ask me out. But I also worry that he may not make a move if I’m coming across as disinterested. So I guess I would like to ask two questions:

Have you ever made the first move, and was it successful?

-Confused and Bashful

 

Dear “Confused and Bashful,”

Christ, the last guy I made the first move on – (and by “first move” I mean said “hi” to first) – I had to marry to get rid of, haha… So yeah, it can be “successful…” if done properly.

In the world of financial trading it is said that “A decision NOT to trade (a stock) is also a trading decision;” and it seems that you, my dear, have yet to learn that when it comes to being a woman, a decision NOT to make a first move is also a first move.

You see, guys don’t become interested in a girl once they know she’s interested. That’s not how they work. They know what they like. They know what they want. And they’re either interested in you, or not.

Consequently, as a woman, your “first move” is simply to expose yourself to him – (and I’m not talking about in a snapchat kind of way, either, despite how effective that is scoring a Netflix-and-chill kind of night) – which you’ve done.

If he’s attracted to your beauty and/or brains it won’t take long for him to realize it. And you definitely won’t have to try and sneak your way in through the friend-zone – (I shudder at the thought!). Resist your customary urge to pursue – (good God, resist it!) – and just keep on going about your business and being your fabulous self.

Know that this is not about passively sitting around and waiting for men to ask you out, either. This is about patiently and actively learning to like the men who like you enough to risk rejection and ask you out. Trust me, you’ll need that level of passion and conviction in a guy down the road for you two to get through tough times.

So have faith, chica. Faith that your guy will see you, want you, and do what he has to do to not let you get away. Don’t chase, chill… And get one of those big, red “easy” buttons. That way when you’re resting comfortably in the arms of your future boo you can lean over, press it, and hear the sound of the automated guy saying, “that was easy.” Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How do I let my ex know that I’ve moved on when he is still in love?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

A couple weeks ago, I was in a long-term relationship with “Tim,” let’s call him. However, after I moved for college a few years back, the distance eventually caught up and my feelings for him slowly faded this year. However, since Tim suffers from severe depression and is very sensitive, I was nervous about breaking the “bad news.” I just couldn’t stand to see him go through another breakdown, (especially after the recent death of his father).

So, I made up the excuse of being very busy with my dentistry courses, and essentially just not having enough time for a relationship. Therefore, it was a very smooth breakup, as he didn’t think I loved him any less. I thought it was over, until he continued sending “I love you” and “Can’t wait until we’re over this break” messages. He thinks we’ll be back together once classes finish up. He’s also been talking about visiting me this summer, so I don’t have a lot of time.

This is giving me so much anxiety because I can’t just say “Sorry, I don’t love you anymore,” you know? But I also can’t keep going on like this, it isn’t fair to either. I haven’t been saying “I love you” back, etc., or regularly responding, but he doesn’t understand. However, Tim did mention that if I happened to meet someone else, to let him know, and recently I did become good friends with a colleague and have a little crush/am interested. I think it’d be strange to mention though, since Tim’s messages are so lovey dovey…

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Update: Right after I sent that, Tim messaged me about how he has taken a few weeks off of work in the summertime to come visit. Now I feel even more terrible. I definitely won’t do this again. Do you have any suggestions or advice about what to say to him now that he has already taken time off to come see me?

-Mrs. Bad News Bearer

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Mrs. Bad News Bearer,”

Oh man…  Brutal…   I know how you feel, girl.  It absolutely, 100%, sucks when you have to tell someone who’s convinced that you’re their “One,” and who’s been nothing but good to you, that you’d kinda, sorta, rather eat a dirt sandwich than continue your relationship with them.  Sigh…  Nonetheless, it’s a dirty job and somebody’s got to do it.  So, unless your mom, his best friend, or Simon Cowell owes you a favor, it looks like that person will have to be you.  (Just kidding, it was always you, >serious face<.)

Alright, to begin with, the old saying, “honesty is the best policy” definitely applies to letting someone know you’re ready to move on from your relationship.  However, how specific you need to be depends on how much time you two have spent together.

If it’s a fairly new relationship I’ve always found it best to keep things general, (unless you want a debate, or to inflict unnecessary pain on the person, of course).  Things like “I’ve realized I’m not in the right mental space for a relationship right now,” “I’ve decided to focus my time and energy on someone I feel more of a connection with,” or “I don’t feel enough chemistry to continue seeing each other,” will suffice.  I would then follow that first explanatory sentence with an expression of gratitude for the time they spent getting to know me, and let them know that I appreciated our time together.

On the other hand, if it was a long-term relationship, and you’re past the “getting to know each other” phase, in my opinion, the person is entitled to a little more of an explanation as to “what went wrong.”  If only to assure them that you had good intentions and weren’t just stringing them along for sport, (which could land you as the victim on a male-version of the show “Snapped,” by the way.)

Consequently, in a relationship like yours, where you two have been together for years, you’ll want to get specific, yet concise, during your “we need to talk” talk.  In short sentences, (in an effort to avoid drama), let him know: “Sorry I haven’t been upfront with you.  I care about you and wanted to spare your feelings.  However, I’ve realized it’s more important for me to be honest with you…  So, first, I want to say that I appreciate you taking time off work and trying to bridge the distance gap to maintain our relationship.  However, after I moved and got settled into my new career path I realized that I’m also wanting to meet new people and explore new romantic connections…  Thank you for all the wonderful experiences we’ve shared together.  I’ll always treasure them.”

If you’re open to being friends, let him know that someday, perhaps after a year or two when you both have rebounded emotionally, you can reconnect and have a friendship together, but avoid the temptation to dive into one right away.  Fresh wounds need time to heal, and in the case of relationships, that includes space.

Now, after you’ve said your piece, be prepared for any and all reactions.  Everyone handles “rejection” differently; and in my experience, about 50% of wolves respond kindly, and the other 50%, sourly.  No one will feel good at this moment, (as it’s a sucky conversation to have), but it helps things if you stay general when answering any of his questions.  And unless you want a debate or to stay together, never give in to any “Please let me know what I did wrong” requests.  Even if he asks them under the guise of self-improvement.  Trust me, it’s an argument trap.  Focus on the fact that your decision to move on is based on your needs and desires.  His perfect match is out there, same as yours.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that everyone is allowed to change his or her mind about who they want to be with, at any time, no matter how painful that decision may be to another.  And being honest and kind with each other during that process is the best we can all hope for.  So, keep “keepin’ it real,” and in time both of your hearts will heal.  (Yeah, that was meant to rhyme.)  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Should I keep the expensive gift my ex got me?

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

My husband and I have been separated for 2 months after a 7-year relationship.  It was our anniversary a week ago, and my birthday tomorrow.  I went to his place today to take care of our dogs, (who are living with him), while he is out of town, and he left me a gift…  A really expensive Cartier watch.  I think he bought it about 5 months ago, so before we were separated.  I like the watch, of course.  Do I give it back to him?  Do I keep it?  I don’t want to do the wrong thing.

-Did I Mention it’s a Cartier Watch?

 

Dear “Did I Mention it’s a Cartier Watch?,”

Okay, listen to me, and listen to me very carefully.  Take the Cartier watch, put it in a box, and mail it to me at Megan Moore, P.O. Box 555…  Lol, okay, you got me…  But in all seriousness, I get your confusion.  When it comes to relationships, sometimes gifts that start out with good intentions can lead to slashed tires and an appearance on the show “Cops” if you’re not careful.  And since I’m all about avoiding the drama, (as showcased in this answer on cheating), as well as preserving beautiful skin, (stress causes wrinkles, not to mention “Resting B*tch Face”), I’m definitely up for offering my two cents in this situation.  So here ya go.

To begin with, I’d first check with your ex and make sure that he actually did intend to give you this gift now and didn’t just, say, leave it out.  (Wolves can be quite careless, you know.)  And then, if he did, I’d ask him why.

In my book, the rule on accepting a gift is: if it’s attached to a condition, situation, intention, or hope you don’t want to fulfill or encourage, it’s best to politely decline; however, if you can wholeheartedly get behind the affection that the gift symbolizes, by all means graciously accept the darn thing and enjoy!

Additionally, if the person broke their back getting you a gift you may want to decline if your level of gratitude doesn’t match their level of sacrifice.  Appreciation itself is a form of reciprocation; and, acting as such, if both sides of the ledger don’t balance out you may actually end up in debt.  Hence why it’s so important to only accept a gift if both the giver and receiver are on mutual wavelengths.  This isn’t a moral decision, this is a “I don’t want to get my ass kicked if this seemingly selfless giver turns into a bill collector” one.

In your case, if the Cartier watch is something your ex wants to give you for your anniversary/birthday out of love – no strings attached – and you can appreciate and adore it as such, you may have just come up on some nice, new wrist bling.  If, on the other hand, it’s attached to an expectation or hope you don’t want to encourage at this time, you may have to find another way to acquire your latest fashion find.  Either way, you gotta love First World problems, right. Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

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Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

Oh great, I became “The Other Woman…” Help, please.

tashacaufield2 Comments

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Dear Megan,

I am 26-years-old, and work with someone who I had an immediate connection with in another department I work closely with. Months went by and I knew he had a girlfriend, so I never initiated anything. We were strictly friends at work. However, last month he expressed he had feelings for me and I knew he was unhappy in his current relationship. (His relationship moved too quickly with his girlfriend and her 1.5-year-old son – they moved in together and he quickly became the breadwinner and the son’s dad.)

We had become very close, and before I knew it we were seeing each other, (mostly at work or after work). He was looking into getting out of his lease – (they had just moved in together) – and then suddenly on Father’s Day his girlfriend, (who doesn’t know about me/us), gets him all these presents.  Suddenly she’s appreciative of everything he does, plans a “family” vacation, and has become a completely different woman. This obviously confused him, and he chose to give her a chance even though the relationship had been toxic and he was not being treated very well.

Now we barely speak.  He told me he wants to be with me, but that he had no choice but to try and make things work because he feels guilty. He keeps apologizing to me, and I know he did want to be with me. But we work together and seeing him pains me. 

I do not believe he is happy – I believe he is settling. He told me numerous times he loves her but isn’t in love with her. I am obviously going to keep my distance from him, but I do not know what to do otherwise. He says I make him happy but that he needs to focus on his relationship, which is understandable. I just do not know if I really believe him or not. 

How do I move on when we work together? How do I forgive myself?

-Rhymes with Lewinsky

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Rhymes with Lewinsky,”

I’m sooooo reminded of why some wolves prefer us when we’re young and inexperienced when I read your story.  We fall for a lot more B.S. then, lol…  But don’t worry.  I’ve seen, heard, (and probably done), a lot “worse.”  Fortunately, there’s great hope for you as your actual questions reflect that you haven’t extended the victim status you gave this dude to yourself.  And given that, I believe my response might provide you with the answer you’re looking for.  So let’s get to it.

How do you move on and forgive yourself after you’ve been “The Other Woman?”  Well, the answer’s actually really simple: You get the lesson the experience was there to teach you.  Easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Got it!  No, not really?  Christ, I do this every week.  Okay, “here’s how…”

To begin with, you must first get that there’s a difference between “I did something bad,” and “I am bad,” and that huge difference is guilt versus shame.  (See Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly” for more on that f’ed up dynamic.)  If you make who you are wrong, (shame), it’s going to take you a helluva lot longer to get over this incident than just acknowledging the truth, which is that you did something wrong, (guilt).  (And note: I’m coming to the conclusion of “wrong” and “bad” based on your desire to forgive yourself for helping this lovely lad cheat on his girlfriend.  IMO judgement calls are subjective.)

The good news for you is that if you’re starting in shame you’re already on the right track to getting rid of it.  How the heck do I know that, you ask?  Well, you’ve shared your embarrassing story!  Shame likes to live inside us and sorta dies upon its introduction to fresh, clean air.  Just make sure that you continue to tell your story to people who’ve earned the right to hear it.  Otherwise their reaction will just make it worse – (and between you and me, a lot of the people on this here World Wide Web haven’t earned it…  Frickin’ high and mighty weirdos…  But don’t worry, everyone on this site’s pretty cool ;)).

Also, don’t forget to be mindful of your self-talk.  If you’re saying mean stuff to yourself – you know, the kind of stuff that you wouldn’t say to someone you love in your situation – cut it out.  It’s all about accepting that you did something you’re not proud of, not that you aren’t still the miraculous, awesome, super-lovable creation that you are.  Over the shame yet?  Sweet.  Welcome to the awesome world of feeling like a guilty son-of-a-b*tch.

Here, you accept the late, great Maya Angelou’s mantra, “When you know better, you do better.”  And here you get your lessons…  Awesome sauce.  If you’re like most people on this planet, you haven’t yet read “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” which is cool.  I’m not bitter.  Swear.  But given that, accept that you just didn’t know my rule to “Never listen to what a wolf says, just watch what he does.”  If you did know that, all you would have seen in your situation was a guy living at home with his girlfriend and her son, taking care of his family.  Sure, he might want to fool around with other women, (in this case you), in order to get other needs met, or blah, blah, blah; but focusing on his actions would have made who and what he’s actually committed to crystal clear.  And it’s with that information, and that information only, could you have made an informed decision that you wouldn’t have regretted later.

So, lesson: put more faith in someone’s actions than you do their words.  Get that, and the fact that you can’t learn something before you’re taught it, and you’ll be able to let go of your guilt and forgive yourself.

“Rhymes with Lewinsky,” know that if a guy truly, (not sorta or kinda), wants to be with you he’ll move heaven and earth to do so.  And, yes, if kids are involved that may include taking time to get his ducks in a row, but someone who cares for you will never ask you to dishonor yourself and settle for less than what you want and deserve in the meantime. They’ll want to preserve your trust and respect, and not hold you up in the pursuit of your dreams while they eagerly pursue theirs, (which in this case would mean doing what they need to do to get you).

And finally, once you get your lesson and forgive yourself, you’ll have no problem working with this guy.  You’ll feel renewed.  Empowered even.  Your growth will make your fling with him seem like just another thing you got caught up in on your road of self-discovery.  So get up, adjust your crown, and get on back in that office.  You’ll be alright, “you saucy minx, you…” Lol.  Best of luck.

-Megan 🙂

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

She’s super attractive… and super boring

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

So, I’m a guy, and I’m talking to a girl that I am SUPER attracted to. We laugh and joke here and there for the most part, but overall she is boring as hell. Been on a few dates and they go decently enough.  She always says she had fun, always is ready to hang out again…  But when we do I feel like I have to lead conversations.

I’m not a super talkative person, but I can fake it pretty well.  She answers my questions and all, and will have random follow up questions; but, again, it’s me doing all the work… I feel like we have better conversations via text than in person, but how can you get anywhere with that type of dynamic?

On top of that she has no sense of adventure.  In order to have a little more fun on our dates I suggested we go to the gun range.  She came, but would barely shoot.  I suggested we go jet-skiing.  She said she would never do that.  There have been a few more things she said she just won’t do, and I’m just sitting there like oooook.

Problem is, I’m attracted as hell to her physically.  Just don’t have much in common, I guess, which sucks.  Is it so wrong to be shallow sometimes?  I’m recently out of a 5-year relationship, so not looking for anything serious by any means, which she is aware of… Isn’t this the little bit of time I am “allowed” to be shallow? 

-Bored and Shallow Hal

 

 

Dear “Bored and Shallow Hal,”

Finally!  An easy question!…  Thank goodness… Lord knows I was due for one.  Alright, you seem like a simple wolf with simple pleasures, so I’m going to answer the two questions you posed as simply as I can.

Yes, you’re allowed to be shallow.  And yes, you can get somewhere with that type of dynamic: the bedroom.  She knows you’re not looking for anything serious, which means she’s not looking for anything serious.  (Note: even if a girl says, or even thinks she is, if she’s fooling around with an emotionally unavailable guy, guess what, she’s not.)

So, assuming you’re not a millionaire, (in which case this phenomenon can easily be chalked up to a solo interest in your dough and an inability to fake otherwise), here’s your takeaway from this – (earmuffs, mom):

When an attractive girl who’s sometimes lively, (a la “laughing and joking here and there” and participating in engaging text conversations), turns down her personality when around you, AND keeps wanting to get together with you and your “not-ready-for-anything-serious” heinie, it’s for one reason and one reason only: she’s looking to get her pipes cleaned.  No, she’s not suddenly shy, or reminded that she comes from a reserved culture, she’s just not up for pretending to be that into you and your fun, adventurous ways.

Quit trying to drag her around town to do stuff; or worse, hope that she’ll match your adventurous tastes like the ideal girlfriend you’re not ready for.  Let her get what all your fresh-out-of-a-relationship, emotional unavailability promises – a quiet, “Netflix and chill” night with a seemingly decent guy.

Most single girls, (usually the smarter ones), only care to have interesting conversations, and create bond-forming memories via adventurous activities, with guys they see at least some sort of future with.  So given the stage you’re in, unless you’re willing to settle for the friendzone, or have the swag and/or pockets of Iron Man, the best you can hope for amongst single, hot, and fun are a couple great dates before someone else catches her eye, or a girl in a similar boat as you whose adventurousness conveniently stops at exploring new “D,” (that’s wiener for all you baby boomers).

Outside of that, rest assured that when you’re ready for more you’ll attract a steady companion who has, and is willing, to offer more. In the meantime, happy romping.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

 

How to turn your crappy dad into the perfect wingman

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

I… sort of have a history of destructive relationships, and last Father’s Day I felt a sudden bitterness towards my own father for abandoning me that led me to do a lot of reflecting.

My father left my mother before I was born, and we’ve spoken a total of, like, 3 times. Last time was about 8 years ago.

I always feel like I had a very healthy and whole childhood. I had people who loved me, and I never felt like I missed anything by virtue of not having my father around.

My relationships with men, however, are a different story. I broke up with my last real boyfriend because I felt he was too engaged, too interested in being in a more serious relationship. We had a bunch of other issues that I don’t think were any less important, but at the heart of it, I knew I wasn’t in it for the long run and it was just best to walk away.

My subsequent relationships have been casual, where I try to keep a distance and not be too involved. And I know I seek out men who aren’t all that good to me. I find a certain thrill in the chase of seducing a man and being the one who draws lines and says the whole thing is casual and uncommitted… Then I turn and feel abandoned and rejected when they are casual about me.

I don’t want to think that all my self-esteem issues and insecurities come solely from my father’s abandonment. Everyone has insecurities, even if they grew up in married parent’s homes. But lately I’m starting to think that it did affect me more than I ever thought it did.

In the end, if I don’t know what being in a healthy relationship looks like, how can I be what I didn’t see?

-Yep, Daddy Issues

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Yep, Daddy Issues,”

You already know I L.O.V.E. this question…  And not only because I wrestled with the very same confusion for years and consequently put it at the heart of my latest book, “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” but it’s also a perfect question for Father’s Day weekend!  Go us!

“How does one create a loving relationship with a man when one was never given a proper model?”  It’s an all too common problem among us women with similar backgrounds.  But don’t fret, in addition to making my book free for you this holiday weekend, I’ll also share with you here another trick that will help you break free from any bloodline filled with crappy relationships so that you can receive the loving one that’s waiting for you on the other side.

To begin with, it’s important to understand that for a very, very long time you’ll have at least some level of attraction to guys with negative traits similar to your father.  Ugh.  I know…  As the renowned creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, Harville Hendrix, points out, those, often not-so-obvious, similar traits are actually what subconsciously draw you to a person in the first place.  It’s what we call chemistry.  (For more on that and why you like the guys you like, and play the games you do, I highly recommend checking out Hendrix’ book, “Keeping the Love You Find.”)

So from here on out, accept the notion that its only until after you’ve burnt out of dating guys who aren’t good for you that you’ll be fully committed to learning to like the ones who are.  That’s right, in order to achieve the loving relationship you want, and be content in it, at some point you’re going to have to go against your current nature until it becomes your new nature.

Now, let’s say you are tired of the B.S. and ready to create that loving relationship.  Well good!  I didn’t devise this three-part plan for my health!  Lol.  Here’s what I recommend you do.

First, drumroll, please…  Turn your crappy dad into the perfect wingman.  And by that I mean to use his crappy behavior, and how it made you feel growing up, as your guide in picking out guys who are good for you.  Had a dad who was distant, unreliable, controlling, neglectful, disloyal, mentally, physically, verbally, or emotionally abusive?  Well, thank your crappy dad for showing you what sh*tty behavior looked like so that you can give your attention to guys who only display intimate, communicative, reliable, supportive, devoted, emotionally available, kind, and loving behavior.

At times you’re going to have to play some Jedi mind tricks on yourself to have the conviction necessary to walk away from poor behavior, and here’s a good one:  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” I said to never listen to what a wolf says, just watch what he does; and now I’m adding that, upon observation of his actions, ask yourself, “Would this be okay if he did it to my child?”  Sure, you can wait around forever for him to show up, but would you want your kid to?

Even if you don’t have or want kids, use it as a reminder of what you deserved when you were a kid, and don’t settle for anything less now that you’re an adult and have a choice.  There is no need to keep emotionally, physically, or mentally abusing or neglecting yourself.  “You’s free now.”

So use your father’s unloving, contrasting behavior of what you don’t want to point you towards a guy whose behavior is something you and your soul do want.  “Thanks, wingman.”

Now, don’t worry, I still remember what you’re up against: Nature.  And she can be a stubborn b*tch.  She’ll cause you to only be genuinely attracted to the distant/elusive, controlling/demanding, or unfaithful, etc. wolves, while the ones that are good for you will struggle to maintain your attention.  After all, their “good deeds” can only get them so far before they start to feel boring, smothering, or creepy AF.

So here’s where the second part of the plan comes in:  When you start to feel uncomfortable with the “good guy,” don’t fight the guy fight the discomfort.  Sit with the uncomfortable feelings and acknowledge them to yourself.  Write about them or talk with someone you trust.  Remind yourself that what you are feeling is normal and to be expected.  After all, the changes you’re making will have a generational impact akin to changing your DNA, and that’s no easy, pleasant feat.  If it were, the generations before you would have bypassed all the suffering their choices caused and just done it themselves.

Then, allow yourself to focus on all the wonderful qualities the guy you’re interested in has, and the life you two can create together as a result of sticking it out.  With that said, you don’t have to stick things out with every nice Tom, Dick, and Harry who treats you well.  This isn’t a guy you date just because he’s nice and you’re tired of dating jerks, you date him because you feel drawn to him.  If you feel good, safe, and like you can be yourself with him, fight through the moments of doubt, boredom, fear, etc.  If you’re looking up “101 ways to fake your death” before your dates together move on.  He’s not the one. (And for more on picking a guy check out this question I answered.)

Finally, the last step in attaining this loving relationship you never saw is to not only fully accept and appreciate the “good guy” you get for who he is, but to support him in who he is.  Now, it might take you a thousand guys to get this step down, but it’s essential.  Here, you resist the urge to play games and behave badly in a subconscious effort to try and change him into the jerks you’ve found more attractive.  You also don’t test him in ways that’ll make him prove to you he won’t abandon you just like your dad.  If he’s really a loving person, he’ll love himself enough to not put up with your abusive behavior and leave because of that.

Instead, treat him the way you want to be treated.  Mimic his openly loving, kind, and generous behavior.  Support him, even when others take advantage of his nature, and know that in a world that can be very harsh you two have something very special. And why?  All because of your sucky, wingman dad.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

P.S. For more help on connecting and locating these “good guys” check out this question I answered.  And don’t forget to download “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” for free on the 17th-18th!

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.