Author: tashacaufield

I’m scared I’m going to cheat! What do I do??

tashacaufield2 Comments

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Dear Megan,

I’ve been dating the most amazing guy for almost 11 months now – (gay relationship, btw). I’ve never met anyone who I’ve been more compatible with on an emotional level. We have great conversations, have never argued, he’s very affectionate and romantic, and I’ve never doubted for one second how he feels about me. We even moved in together a couple months ago, and it’s been great.

The problem is that the frequency of sex has declined since we’ve moved in. When we didn’t live together we used to have sex maybe 3-4 times a week. However, the last time we’ve had sex is a week-and-a-half ago, and a week before that. The quality of the sex is still amazing. But we’re just not doing it a lot, and so my needs are not fully being met. When I was single, I had a few friends with benefits, (FWB), so sex was never an issue for me. When I became exclusive with my current boyfriend, I cut off all my FWBs. However, I currently find myself fantasizing about them frequently and have been fighting the urge to send one of them a message.

I haven’t discussed this with him as we still kiss and make out, and, again, we’re both very affectionate. So I wouldn’t necessarily say we’re roommates, lol. It’s just that I’ve never been in a relationship where sex was this infrequent. This has been my longest relationship, so I’m not sure if this is a thing, either.

I’ve never cheated in my life, although I’ve been cheated on once before. I’ve been in an open relationship before. I didn’t really enjoy it, although one benefit is that it did make me less jealous in that it desensitized me seeing my ex message or interact with other guys. But I know for a fact that my current bf is too traditional for that.

Help! I don’t want to do cheat, but I feel I may slip up. How can I go about this?

-Potential Cheater

 

Dear Potential Cheater,

I so wanna quote my favorite movie, (“Cool Hand Luke”), and say, “What we got here is a failure to communicate,” but we got soooo much more than that. So I’ll quote me and say, “What we got here is a failure to commit,” (or what’s more popularly known as a “commitment issue.”) And once you get past that issue my advice would be to just talk to him, find out what each other’s turn ons are, and develop a game plan for implementing them to get your freak on more often. But first let’s deal with your commitment issue.

So you’ve done some things that suggest you want a committed, monogamous relationship. You two verbally committed to each other, and you even moved in together; but now, my friend, you have to make the decision to mentally, spiritually, and emotionally commit to your partner if you don’t want to cheat. And that is going to take a level of vulnerability you haven’t had to entertain in your shorter and open relationships.

To commit on that deeper lever you’re first going to have to get honest about how ready you are for a monogamous relationship. Take an inventory of your last relationships and go over what you liked and didn’t like. What dream relationship have your former relationships helped you create? Then, write down your vision for the relationship you want, share it with your partner to make sure you two are on the same page, and commit to your role in carrying out that vision.

I can name a million and one reasons that support a committed, monogamous relationship; but the truth of the matter is that if you don’t want, or are not ready for, that type of commitment you’ll just keep torturing yourself with split energy every freakin’ day you wake up. Commitments to others require a willingness and ability to making decisions with their well-being in mind; and while most of us like the benefits of committed relationships, not all of us are willing or ready to pay that price.

The good news is that if you find that you’re still in your exploratory phase and want to sleep with other people not cheating is really easy. You simply break up with the person you’re with first and “voila!” You, once again, dodge the cheater label, (along with a potential ass-whoopin’). However, if you find that you are, indeed, ready for a committed, monogamous relationship all it takes is a choice to do the things that honor your vision during moments of doubt. Don’t beat yourself up over unfaithful thoughts or moments when you want to bail. In the end it’s the actions we choose that determine how good of a partner we are to our significant others. Doubts and other challenges are inevitable, but you win when you show commitment to your vision.

So get honest with yourself about what season you’re in in your life. Are you in one where you still play with others, one where you commit to one, or maybe even one where you seek out some sort of mix of the two? Then continue your tradition of doing right by yourself, and the people who enter your world.

-Megan 🙂

P.S. And if you’re interested in more on creating a cheat-proof relationship, feel free to check out this article!

Already cheated and want help coming clean?  Click here!

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

She’s got trust issues and wants to be “just friends.” Will I get stuck in the friend zone?

tashacaufield4 Comments

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Dear Megan,

I met this girl 3 months ago at my buddies wedding. We slept together the first night and had a “fling” for about 10 days. Spent a lot of time together and connected emotionally.  I went back home to my country and we kept in touch daily for the last 3 months. Sharing stories, photos, I love you’s.

She is an attractive model with her own dating site as a dating coach and gets hit on constantly, but she chose to give me a chance.  However, I was acting aloof and mysterious and fun when I met her.  Over time, I became too needy, “fell for her”, sent her too many gifts and professed my love to her too soon, too much. She recently backed off the last month. Less texting on her part.

A few days ago, I went back to see her in her country, to see if there was anything left. My best friend lives in the same country so it’s a dual-purpose visit. She and I spent the night together at my hotel, but no sexual intercourse together. We just talked all night long.

She said she couldn’t trust me and men, because they all seem to just want to sleep with her and not really care about her.  Plus, she’s been adopted and never had a father in her life.

So she felt even more distant towards me/men. She said she really likes me. Wants us to be close and friends.

Since I was acting needy too, she told me she wants a Strong man in her life. But just not right now, as she is focused on her career and doesn’t want any relationships right now.  She kept saying that she is very attracted to me when I act strong, though. It felt like she was giving me instructions on how to win her over, in time. She even told me she told her brother about me, who she is very close to.

What I felt she was telling me was, basically, man up, don’t act too needy, don’t over-pursue her, give her time, be patient, be her friend… Then we could possibly pursue something in the future.

She said a ton of guys hit on her daily but I “won” her over. I was different. She saw potential in me to be great. She had posted a dating video on her site and in 3 days, received over 100,000 views. Plus, she showed me her phone and how many guys messaged her daily. It was overwhelming.

The last communication I had with her was I texted her a few hours after she left.  I told her I’m going to take a break from her and us. Go work on my insecurities, and re-connect with her in the future. She said, “Yes, definitely. Thank you for all your love.”

My question is: If I just be her friend, and not try to pursue her romantically, will that help me in the long run? I really do care about her. She has had a rough upbringing and I respect the hell out of her and do wish that we can be together in the future… Even if it does take time.

I can see why she doesn’t trust men, so I can agree to just being friends for now, but on the flip side, I don’t want to be friend-zoned forever.

Thanks for reading.

-Mr. Friend-zoned

 

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

Dear “Mr. Friend-zoned,”

Ahhh, sex symbols and the men who love them…  God bless ya.  Now on to your question: “If I just be her friend, and not try to pursue her romantically, will that help me in the long run?”

I hate to tell you this, Mr. Friend-zoned, but friends don’t have hidden agendas, so what you’re really asking is, “How far will pretending that I don’t have a romantic interest in this girl get me?”  And that I can answer.  In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” this sort of unintentional, yet long-term deceit – which plays right into her trust issues, by the way – would classify you as a gentleman wolf.  (Don’t worry, there are worse.)  I’ve been in this situation many ‘a times, and it always reminds me of one of the baddest boys I ever dated.  His catch phrase to me was, “But you like that, don’t you?”  Anytime I complained about his behavior he let me know that my sticking around was a vote for more of the same.  The way he saw it was that if I didn’t leave I must like it.  I had no better teacher in weaning myself off of bad boys than him.  (If only we could all be so lucky!)

And now, the girl you believe you have fallen in love with, is asking you to become one of the “bad guys,” or be doomed to the dreaded friend zone…  “Act aloof,” she encourages you, (and undoubtedly her dating site pupils), in your quest to gain the heart of an emotionally unavailable woman.  “Be distant – like my father.”  Her instructions on how you get past her trust issues and into a relationship with her are the result of her trying to have a relationship with her father, not you.  So the real thing you have to figure out is this:  Do I want to learn to act like a man who left his little girl and scarred her emotionally, or do I want to continue to be the outwardly expressive, loving guy I am, and hope that she comes around.  (Only slightly rhetorical, right?)

You two are both nice, semi-self-aware people, (like the best of us), you just got a shitty situation to deal with.  In relationships, many people want what they have yet to figure out how to create.  Yes, she may have spotted your good heart and intentions, and want a loving relationship with you, but asking you to act less loving only shows that she is not yet capable of creating one.   So in the meantime she’s asked you to be her friend.  If you can’t act like the bad boy she thought you were in the beginning, then you can at least stick around for when she hopefully tires of them and can better receive you.  And you want to know the chances of her coming back around and settling down with you? (Drumroll, please.)   33%…  Hope that helps!

For one, you’d have to wait a while as the fact that her asking you to tone down your love, (opposed to her rising up to it), shows that she’s still a ways off from being able to receive you.  And given how many men she’ll eat in the meantime, your flame has little chance of surviving.  Furthermore, in the end if she did choose you the whole thing would reek of settling, so she’ll probably do you both a solid and just get some fresh meat to avoid the stench. There is a slight chance that she’ll ultimately pick you, though, as anything is possible when – like a high-profile industry – you’ve got your foot in the door.

It’s amazingly insightful of you to gather that you may want to work on your insecurities from your interaction with her.  Most wolves, er, guys, I’ve dealt with get so caught up in flattery that they fail to examine why they’re willing to do so much for it.  “There’s a lid for every pot,” and if I’m being totally honest I’d encourage you to choose someone who’s fueled by your love, not someone who finds it draining.  And since you’ve got a taste for “bad girl blood” now, feel free to ignore anything we say and just watch what we do.  You’ve found The One when you have no need to consult others on your chances of things working out ;).

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Help! I’m in the perfect relationship but can’t get over the age difference!

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I can’t seem to get past our 14 year age difference. I’m 30, he’s 44. He was my boss for a year and a half before we started dating about 10 months ago. He’s funny, caring, great in bed, understanding and would literally do anything for me. When I first started seeing him, I kept looking for a catch because how could he be so sweet and perfect and never been married? He has no kids and neither have I. I want kids. I told him this right off the bat and he was all for it. I asked him why he’d never had kids and he said it just didn’t happen but he is open to it, he just hadn’t thought too much about it.

Long story short, we spent 10 wonderful months together. Probably the healthiest relationship I’ve been in. I can’t stress what an amazing man he is. I love him. So naturally I broke up with him 4 days ago because no matter what I do I have not gotten past the fact that he is 14 years older. And he could not have been sweater or more understanding about it. When I asked him if he was angry at me he said “Absolutely not. I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone. I’m heartbroken, disappointed, but there is no anger toward you. All I ever wanted was your happiness.” It was heart-wrenching. Didn’t make this any easier.

We are both adults. It’s not like I’m 20 and he’s 35, but ever since we got together I have not fully been able to get past the age thing. I only pushed it aside because he was so good to me and made it easy to forget that there was an age gap. Still the thought that he might die before me made me anxious. My father was 45 when I was born, and I love him to death, but it was sometimes very different growing up with an “older” dad, and not always in a good way. I’m not positive I want my kids to have an “older” dad like I did— OR is this completely insane and irrational?? I know I should not feel this way, especially after 10 months of dating AND because I’m 30, not a child, AND he would marry me and knock me up tomorrow if I asked him to . I guess I thought the feeling would subside by now and when it didn’t I realized I would have to break up with him before I got more attached (although I’m not sure that’d be possible). So I did last week and I’ve been a wreck ever since. So has he.

My question is, am I being crazy? Is 14 years too much? I should not be so hung up on this, especially because it’s ridiculous to assume that just because he’s older he’s going to go before me. I know how insane I sound. Especially because WHY do I worry about what MIGHT happen in the future if I am happy in the present? I don’t know! But I worried about it enough to break the heart of someone I love and who loves me beyond words. I have never been put in a situation (or put myself in that situation) before and it’s affecting me deeper than I thought it would.  I’m looking for some feedback.  Tell me to get a grip or SOMETHING because I just broke up with a one in a million man simply because of our age difference…. but I’m just as heart broken as if I had been dumped!

Thanks,

-Feeling Crazy

 

Dear “Feeling Crazy,”

For Christ’s sake, it’s not like you asking for a guy to be a centaur (half-man half-horse), you just want him to be closer to your age! Lol…  Okay, let me slow it down…  First, let me say that everything you are experiencing is perfectly normal.  And you are right to point out that at 30-years-old, when you’re more aware of who you are, and what you want (and want to give) in a love relationship, you’re most likely mature enough to be able to date an eighty-year-old and not be taken advantage of.  However, I believe that what you are really torn up about is not the age difference at all, but the fact that you feel you can’t trust yourself in picking a suitable mate.  And that’s what I want to help you reconcile.

I’ve been in several “May-December” relationships; and, like your guy, most of them treated me better than any fairy tale I could have ever conjured up.  However, love isn’t about grabbing on to a random guy who treats you amazingly well and holding on for dear life.  That’s “lack-based thinking” (e.g. “There aren’t many good ones out there,” or “All the good ones are taken.”)  You want to shift to “abundance-based thinking,” where there are plenty of great guys out there, (so turn off your TV), and all you gotta do is pick the one your pretty little heart desires (and add “I’ll know it with every fiber in my being” to your wish list, por favor.)  Otherwise, with lack-based thinking you’ll find yourself constantly fighting to free yourself from a fear-based love life.  And who wants to spend an entire relationship asking the peanut gallery, (i.e those of us on the internet, co-workers, and the bored homeless guy outside the grocery store), to remind you how good you have it so you stay; or worse, looking at other guys/couples and wondering if you threw in the towel too soon.

In “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols,” I talk about the dilemma of using your head versus your heart, and how in reality the two can work together.  This is a great example of that.  Your brain is telling you that you want great treatment and love from a guy close to your age.  But your brain can only take you so far as contradictory thoughts (i.e. doubts) are sure to make their way in.  Now you think you’re silly for wanting someone closer to your age, and even trying to rationalize it with concerns of abandonment via death or giving your child a dad with old, washed up balls, etc; but in reality the heart wants what the heart wants.  Your desires are directly linked to your unique destiny, not anyone else’s, so quit making yourself wrong and trust yourself.  When you trust yourself, you’re trusting in the wisdom that created you.  You may not know why you want something, but wanting it is enough.

I might be telling you something different if the age difference never bothered you, and you were, say, doing something sneaky like making up a problem to avoid intimacy.  However, you said you were never comfortable with it but pushed it aside in hopes that you, basically, would come to want something different.  We’ve all heard stories of times when that happened to people, so I don’t blame you for trying, but, tough shit, nothing happened.  It’s okay to want a guy closer to your age, and I wouldn’t try to talk you into staying with this 44-year-old anymore than I would an 88-year-old who also treated you well.  And if for some reason your heart does, in fact, want this 44-year-old man, guess what, his age won’t matter.  Let your brain digest that, and get on board with your heart.

Additionally, I’d like you to know that the process of dating is a honing process where, if you’re doing it right, the closer you get to knowing and receiving what you like the tougher the breakups will be.  But don’t worry, when you get to the right one he will stick.  Wild horses won’t be able to keep you two apart.  In choosing someone loving and kind you’ve already shown yourself that you know how to honor your heart’s desires so why stop at “he treats me good and is willing to give me babies.”  You deserve, and can have, more than that.  And as I said in the beginning, it’s not like you’re asking that your dream guy be Justin Bieber (as that’s impossible since he’s taken by me), you just want the dude to be at a similar stage in life as you.

Just because this wonderful man has come into your life and shown you that there are guys out there who will treat you as you desire doesn’t mean you have to pledge your life and love to him.  So thank him and go get your man!  You’re so close already!  You’ve done most of the hard work by setting your standard for great treatment, now all you have to do is be open to receiving it from the young, mysterious guy who currently resides in your heart.

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.