Tag: relationships

Where to find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men

tashacaufield2 Comments

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Dear Megan,

Where do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men?  Seems like a pretty tall order! Yet here I am asking. Where can I find these quality men to date? I’ve decided I am 100% done with Tinder, (I seem to attract and be attracted to the exact opposite man I’m looking for in terms of a relationship there), and am not too keen on the other online dating sites. I have tried a few of them, but I’m wondering what other options there are these days. I’m a working professional with a master’s degree, fit and attractive, and 28. My field is mostly female dominated, but I’d actually like to date someone in a different field anyway. I’m taking a bit of a hiatus from dating right now, but I’d like to look forward to better matches when I am ready to date again. 

Any ideas?

-Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

 

Dear “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places,”

I see what you did there…  You tried to stuff the perfect, (and rare), alpha-beta blend into three seemingly all-encompassing words! Lol…  Yeeeaaaahhh, you gotta wake up pretty early to get one past me.   But I’ll play your game since your criteria is a good place to start. Just know that I’ll be here when you find this dream boat but come back wanting to expand your “I just what a man who’s…” list to include:

SINGLE, doesn’t have a face kids want to wear as a Halloween mask, shows up on time, doesn’t want to pee on you (or have some other weird fetish), couldn’t have gone to grade school with your grandfather, will stick things out through the tough times, doesn’t have a drug/porn/work/food addiction, doesn’t have a gang ‘o kids, won’t require a magnifying glass to see his frank and beans, isn’t a member of Hell’s Angels, doesn’t live in Prague if you live in Philly, wants to have (or not have) kids like you, is (or isn’t) adventurous like you, is attracted to you and your particular brand of tea, isn’t a stripper, isn’t a “furry,” is somewhat of a decent communicator, isn’t a polygamist, doesn’t look pregnant, doesn’t have a relationship with his mom that creeps you out, isn’t gay (or if you’re a gay guy, is gay), speaks English, isn’t in federal prison, is disease-free, has at least some sort of sense of humor, is over 5’9”…

Aaaannnddd we’re back at wanting “Mr. Perfect.” 

It’s a slippery slope when you focus on anything other than how a wolf makes you feel; but if we’re honest, most of us have external criteria we condition our love on, and I’m not here to judge, so here’s some help.

To being with, the short answer to your question, “Where do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men,” is: everywhere.  The more relevant answer to your question, however, is: wherever you are open to receiving one.  In life you get what you expect, (even if it’s subconscious).  If you go into a certain place, whether online or in-person, thinking your guy couldn’t possibly be there, guess what?  He won’t.  But if you go into a situation with an open mind, you’ve made room to receive him.  Consequently, since you can find these men anywhere, the better question is “When do I find emotionally available, financially successful, and kind men?”  And the right timing requires two things.

Since like attracts like, you must first become the three things you want to attract.  It’s the only way to form a long-lasting connection with a man who embodies all three.  Fortunately, and despite what most of us have been taught, financial success is a mindset.  If you see yourself as prosperous, having more than you need, (the very definition of abundance), you are free to declare yourself financially successful anytime you choose to.  When it comes to kindness, feedback from others will help you adjust anything there, if necessary.  And if the feedback isn’t good, and you’re at a total loss on where to get help being kinder, uh, maybe try Goofus and Gallant in “Highlights for Children?”

The big kahuna that stumps most people is the emotionally available part.  Therefore, let this be your guiding principle:  You’re emotionally available when the men you’re attracting are emotionally available.

UPDATE: CLICK HERE FOR MY YOUTUBE/VIDEO VERSION OF THIS ANSWER

I hate to say it, but if the wolf you’re talking to is blocking love in some way, and you stick around for more than, say, a date or informative conversation, it’s because you’re emotionally unavailable in some way, too.  Bummer.  Don’t fret though, if you really want a quality relationship you’ll burn out of the dead-end guys.  And after taking a deep look inside of yourself, you’ll come out no longer willing to put up with anyone’s elusive, flaky, overly sex-driven, not-over-his-ex, perfectionist, controlling, and/or commitment-phobic behavior.

Okay, say you are all three of those things, the second thing you’ll need, as stated above, is to be open to meeting this guy wherever you go.  That openness and lack of expectation is why many people say you’ll meet him when you least expect it.

Now, with all that said, there are places where your chances of meeting a man with all three qualities are higher than others.  Sure, one can meet such a man in the casual encounters section of Craigslist, (or in what I consider its newer version, Tinder), but who’s got time to try and find a needle in that haystack.

So, without further ado, here is a list of meet-and-greet places I’ve found men with all three qualities to be more likely to frequent.  It is based on my experience and observations, not some stock internet list, so know that this list is “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” approved.  (And, side note, I’ve intentionally left out tennis clubs and yoga studios as those men seem to be a bit weird upon closer inspection.)  Enjoy!

-Megan 🙂

 

Where to Find Emotionally Available, Financially Successful, and Kind Men

(In order of preference)

 

  • Charity events
  • Volunteer work
  • Workshops/lectures by your favorite spiritual/financial/motivational/educational teachers
  • TED Talks
  • The bar area of a high-end restaurant
  • Friends and family who know you and your taste
  • The bar area of a high-end sports bar
  • Great seats at sporting events, (and/or access to exclusive areas)
  • Performing arts venues, (including bars with live music in nice neighborhoods)
  • Paid online dating sites
  • Trade shows and conventions
  • Walking/exercising at beaches and hiking trails in really nice areas
  • The bar area of any restaurant with good food in a nice area
  • The golf course, (but if you can’t play better to stick with the range… and if you can’t hit worth a lick better to stick with the bar at the country club)
  • Food and wine festivals
  • High-end gyms (if you have a game plan for if things don’t work out)
  • Airplanes, airport lounges, and airport bars
  • Boat and car shows
  • Cigar bars (if you can stomach how they make your hair and clothes smell)
  • Casinos (…but keep it classy, please)
  • Stuck in your, or your girlfriend’s, friend-zone

 

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Real guy vs fantasy guy… Help, please.

tashacaufield1 Comment

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Dear Megan,

Okay, here goes. I’m a 24-year old girl with anxiety, and I’m dating a very nice man. We had three dates and tomorrow will be the fourth. I have never had a boyfriend before, never been kissed, etc… He is very nice and understanding of all that, but I am scared.

First of all, I love being single. Second, I always had/have celebrity crushes. I know it sounds immature. It’s so embarrassing. I have to grow up. But these crushes are perfect!  They won’t hug me and kiss me. Never. But fantasizing about them is so safe and good. I really like fantasizing and daydreaming about them. It’s better than reality. And I am so scared that my expectations are so high that I won’t be able to love somebody who doesn’t look/sound like my celebrity crushes.

I know I have to live in reality, but giving up this dream world is scary. Maybe I have fantasized so much that I will be unable to live in reality?  I feel like I now have to give up these crushes as my single life is changing, and it makes me anxious. I told this man about my anxiety since I know I should choose a real man and not an imaginary one, and he accepts it. When I am with this man, I feel good, but when I am alone with my thoughts, I am filled with doubts and anxiety.  What do I do???

-Stuck in Fantasyland

Dear Stuck in Fantasyland,

I actually like this question!  (And not just because it gave me an excuse to look at, like, a thousand Justin Bieber photos… [where’s a heart emoji when you need one]).  Sure, on the surface it sounds a little cray cray – just keepin’ it real – but underneath, your “problem” is super common.  So common, in fact, that it’s at the heart of every disappointment in every relationship, whether it be a romantic one, a family-related one, or a platonic one.  You see, when people get hurt in a relationship it’s for one reason and one reason only: the other person didn’t live up to their fantasy, (which usually consists of something they would have liked their partner to have done).  So as nuts as you may feel about the semi-extreme way your fear of getting hurt is playing out, trust me, you’re tackling a big and common issue, and I applaud you for doing it head on.

Before we get to the meat of it, let me just say that part of your anxiety stems from feeling like you have to give up more than you do.  When it comes to how your celebrity crush looks and sounds, well, you can keep that.  I not only know of cases where people found a mate who fit their celebrity crush’s physical description, but I, myself, have dated about eight replicas!  However, once you have more experience with men I’m willing to bet you’ll start to value more important qualities.  Tragic.  I know.

Additionally, you should know that you don’t have to give up anything before you’re ready.  Since you “love being single” and find comfort in these fantasies more than the idea of dating a real wolf (I mean “guy,” sorry, old habit), I recommend dreamin’ on for now.  Relationships require too much work to enter before you’re “all in.”  And since the ultimate goal of being in one is to feel good, and you already found a way to do that being single, why bother fixing what isn’t broken.  Being single is only a problem if you don’t want to be single.

BUT, let’s say you do want a real, in-the-flesh relationship.  You know, for sh*ts and giggles.  The good news is that you also don’t have to give up how the fantasy guy makes you feel – (excited… frisky… and like you are very much a woman, he he) – just know that the real guy won’t make you feel that way all the time.  Which brings me to the only thing you do have to give up: your unwillingness to cope with the fact that your real guy is going to do something that your fantasy guy will never do, and that’s disappoint you…  A LOT.

Since you feel good when you’re with the guy you’re currently dating, but doubtful and anxious of the relationship when away, I’m going to guess that you’re ready for a “real” relationship but have experienced some trauma that has left you extra-sensitive to the disappointment that inevitably comes with intimate relationships.  Consequently, the game plan that I’m going to recommend to you is two-fold.

First and foremost, pick a guy whose intentions you feel you can trust.  This trust is built not just on a dialogue that affirms a shared vision for the relationship, but on consistently thoughtful behavior that supports said vision.  Sure, he’ll have minor slip ups at times because he’s not a mind reader, (or he’s tired of your sh*t on a particular day), but once you express your grievance, (or he gets his energy back), he’ll be eager to make things right by you.  This is the most important step, by the way – picking a guy you feel safe with – and by “minor slip ups” I mean anything that isn’t, say, physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive.  Never allow anyone to demean you in any way.

Second, pre-determine your process for dealing with the inevitable disappointment and/or anger his slip ups will cause.  If you find that your emotional reaction doesn’t fit the crime due to your extra-sensitivity, first clarify with yourself that his behavior is just reminding you of something hurtful someone else once did.  He most likely (unintentionally) hit an emotional sore spot.  Here, your ability to trust his intentions will allow you to calm down, breathe deeply through your emotions, and develop a new plan of action moving forward.

If, however, your hurt or rage is proportionate to the “crime,” then as your first step I recommend finding a place  (away from the knives) where you can calm down and absorb what all just happened and how it made you feel.  Sit with those thoughts and feelings, write them down and/or talk to someone with a track record of healthy relationships.  Then accept what happened, and, when ready, return to him for his side of the story.  Hear him out and what he was thinking, and share your side, taking breaks if/when things get heated.  If you picked a guy with nothing but good intentions for you and your relationship, thoroughly discussing the issue will allow both of you to develop a deeper understanding of each other and strengthen your relationship.

If you picked the wrong guy, and he did something like, say, up-and-left you, well, I guess the good news is that you don’t have to do the last step?  (Silver linings, people!)  But you do have to join in on the final step which is to learn the lesson the incident taught you.  What do you now know about yourself, him, and your relationship that will make you stronger and better moving forward.

Briefly, when it comes to losing someone to a difficult-to-manage illness and/or death, and “life” becomes the focus of your disappointment, I know it sounds cliché but all I recommend in that case is time.  Time to grieve, heal, and feel the range of emotions, (or seemingly lack of emotions), that pass through your heart.  The running thread I’ve noticed among survivors of deep losses such as those is that it taught them how to love deeper and differently.  So there will be treasure waiting for you on the other side of your grief, but in the meantime all you can do is take things day by day.

So, as you can see, Stuck in Fantasyland, your fears and hesitancy to trade in your celebrity crushes for real life relationships are justifiable.  Real relationships come with pain and disappointment; but know that with that pain and disappointment come tools that help us grow.  We become better lovers who can then go on to experience love on deeper and deeper levels.  But if you’re still not sure if all this is for you I have one last piece of good news: When you’re ready to make the switch, the very idea of a real relationship will become your new fantasy, disappointing flaws and all.  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.

Goodbye, mother who disowned me. Hello, abandonment issues…

tashacaufieldLeave a comment

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Dear Megan,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Just over 8 years ago, my mother rang me up to tell me she no longer wanted me to be in her life. I had recently turned 30. We’d had a difficult relationship for many years and I believe this was an extreme maneuver to get me to beg her to keep me in her life and thus establish her as being in control of me again – that’s how she tends to like things.

I was deeply crushed but certainly did not grovel to be taken back. My pride and dignity just wouldn’t allow me. My mother is a complex mix of 20% loveliness and the other 80% is composed of aggression, volatility, unpredictability, and the list goes on. She was such a lovely mother in my early childhood, but she appeared to change and become very aggressive and violent after I turned ten.

The biggest problem in all of this is the fact that I find it really difficult to be open to having a proper relationship with a man as I fear he may not be able to fully understand my family circumstances as it’s quite unusual to be in this situation. I literally don’t know anyone else who shares my circumstances so it feels quite isolating at times. It’s also hard for me to imagine how anyone would be able to love me if my own mother isn’t able to feel proper love for me. I really want to be able to move on with my life and be part of a loving relationship, but these barriers seem to hold me back.

This is me speaking from having a lot of therapy over the years. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

-Disowned 😦

Dear “Disowned,”

Yep.  Crazy mothers…  You are soooo not alone in having to deal with one; and when it comes to the “disownment” department, I got your back in “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols.”  Been there, done that.  As your time in therapy has shown you, it’s tough to find something that can take away the feelings of pain, disappointment, alienation, and unworthiness of love that a mother who walks out on you can cause, but as someone who’s been in your shoes I’m grateful for the opportunity to share with you the things that have worked for me on my journey to trust in love again.

To begin with, I want you to know that it’s important for you to allow the little girl inside of you, the girl who just wants her mommy, to grieve over her absence.  It’s like a death, and all transitions of that sort require a painful mental shift that must be given its proper respect.  The pain is a sign that you actually did value the relationship, and there’s no shame in that.  So cry.  Ugly cry.  Stay in bed.  Write a letter to your mom detailing the hopes and dreams you had for a loving mother-daughter relationship, and your disappointment in them not coming true.  Give it to her, don’t give it to her, do whatever you feel like doing during this grieving process.  All that matters is that you get it out.  And write a letter to the little girl inside of you, as well.  Let her know what you’ve got her back and will be the one taking care of her from now on.  Tell her that she’s safe, and can rely on you.

Once you’ve gotten all that out and feel ready to move forward, you and your tired-from-crying eyes can now focus on the next step.  This is where you understand that the pain, disappointment, alienation, unworthiness, etc that you’ve been feeling has less to do with your mom actually leaving, and more to do with the story you’ve told yourself about what her leaving says about you.  Whatever emotional wounds your mom had before you were born were still there after you were born.  And for all we know her staying in your life could have done more harm than good, while her leaving could have been the most loving thing she’s ever done for you, (well, outside of allowing her body to be used to bring you into this planet).

There are many parents who have stayed in their child’s life only to abuse them physically, mentally, and/or emotionally, and when you make up the story that your mom’s disownment means that she doesn’t love you, or that you’re somehow unworthy of love, you experience the pain that comes with the lie “Something is wrong with me.  I don’t deserve love.”  And no matter what your circumstances are in life, if you tell yourself that crap, AND BELIEVE IT, you’re gonna hurt like a motherf*cker, (no pun intended).

“Okay, so my mom not being around is more of an expression of love, and given her f’ed up mentality, she (consciously or subconsciously) removed herself and her toxic ways from my life in an effort to give me a chance at creating the happy life that has always eluded her.”  That becomes your new, empowering story.

Now, while that shift in perspective is a crucial step in the healing process, it most certainly isn’t the last.  Why?  Because it doesn’t change the fact that there are times in life when you still just want your frickin’ mommy, or hell, even a mommy.  So, what do you do next?  You give to others the very thing you crave.

You want to feel love, guidance, and support?  Find a kid out there who can use it and give it to him or her; or if you have children give it to them.  That way you not only can participate in the loving exchange you’ve always wanted, but you give meaning to the pain you’ve felt over your mother’s absence.  You see, the key to overcoming these challenging situations in life is not to try and get rid of the pain, but to transform it into love.  Notice how your mom walking out has allowed you to value things like reliability and unconditional love more than you might have otherwise?  Well, bring that gain from the situation, not the pain from whatever you think you lost, to your current relationships.  And appreciate the loving relationships you create.  Be present with them.  

Then appreciate the loving, compassionate woman you’ve become as a result of having a mother who could only love you from a distance.  When you do that, the guy you meet and like won’t be turned off by your distant relationship with your mom, but rather inspired by what you’ve done with the tough cards life dealt you, (not to mention grateful to be the beneficiary of the depth of love you developed as a result).

So, to sum it up, (#CheatSheet), my advice is to: (1) let yourself grieve the loss of your ideal mother-daughter relationship, (2) change your abandonment story to one that empowers you, (3) give away whatever you feel you didn’t get and appreciate the exchange while it’s happening, and (4) focus on what you gained in terms of sensitivity and values from your mother’s absence so that the disownment becomes an asset to your future relationships instead of a liability.

Lastly, remember that this is a process.  Some days will be better than others, but before you know it you’ll not only have made peace with your relationship with your mother, but realize that you’re able to do kick-ass stuff like respond to letters from strangers asking you for help on overcoming some of life’s biggest challenges. And all because your mother never fully left you.  Only the 80% dysfunctional side of her did.  The rest of her – the best of her – she left inside of you.  Even if she only had 20% ;).  Best of luck!

-Megan 🙂

For my story check out “The Care and Feeding of Sex Symbols” here

To submit your question to “Dear Megan” click here!

“Dear Megan” Home Page

To Subscribe to my YouTube channel click here!

Note: As this column is designed to be a judgement-free zone, only those who have been, (or know someone who has been), in a similar situation are invited to comment; especially if the question is unorthodox or hard for one to relate to.  And for even more relevant insight, those seeking answers are always encouraged to go within.